I Am Very Unattractive And I Feel Like My Boyfriend Is Out Of My League

[MrsAlexanderSkarsgard]

Growing up, I was always made to feel that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, clever enough etc etc. This has never really changed as I have become an adult and I understand, through talking with a therapist, that these feelings are “hard-wired” inside me and are unlikely to ever completely disappear.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we are now living together.
I promise I am not stealth-boasting but he is gorgeous. What he sees in me, I have no idea. If you saw us together you would definitely see that I am punching above my weight.

He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how proud he is to be seen with me and how much he loves me, which is lovely to hear but I just can’t quite believe it. When we are alone together, I feel confident with him, but outside, in public, all those insecurities come rushing to the surface.

We went to a family gathering at the weekend and one of his cousin’s was there with his girlfriend. She is the total opposite to me – younger, prettier, and thinner.
At the end of the evening, when everyone had probably had enough to drink, she cornered my boyfriend and they were together talking intimately for around 20 mins. They were about 2ft away from where I was sitting and she kept looking over at me, obviously to make sure I was looking.
We left shortly after and he was in a rage because she had been winding him up about me. In a nutshell how I was lovely but not really the one for him and alluding to the fact that I was not good enough or what he wanted and that he could do a hell of a lot better.
He says he was defending me, trying to get her to see what he sees and that he told her that I was the love of his life.
She is known to be a serial stirrer and I’ve been told by him, his sister and his mum to ignore ignore ignore.
BUT I can’t let it go. Firstly, if anyone spoke to me about him like that, I would have told them were to stick their opinion and not spent 20 mins trying to get them to change their mind.
Secondly, I think may be she is right. He’s younger than me, better looking, in great shape and I just think that may be there is someone better for him out there.

I can’t talk to him about this anymore as he just gets angry and says that I am looking for a way to bail on him. I’m not, I love him but I don’t know how to get over this. I know it’s pathetic and I should just grow up but that little voice inside my head just won’t stop.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thank you in advance.

He sounds nice and was probably too angry to let her get away with speaking about you in that way. Your cousin's girlfriend sounds horrendous.

I think you have to accept who you are. Warts and all. Once you accept that he is the better looking one in the couple you need to understand why you think that is wrong?

Also are you really as out of balance on looks as you think? Lots of women have to work hard at looking good, eyebrows, hair, make up, watch what they're eating etc so there are things that can be done that might boost your esteem.

Also different people find different things attractive. He obviously finds you attractive.............

I think he's right - you are looking for a way to bail on him. You think you're not good enough but actually that's not your decision to make - it's his but you're making it yours.

There are unattractive women with very attractive men and vice-versa, it's not looks that make you love someone. Have you ever met someone good-looking who became uglier because they just weren't a very nice person or someone you thought was lovely because of their personality.

Unattractive/attractive is a perception and not a reality. He thinks you're lovely and he's the one who has decided that you're lovely enough to be with.

Maybe you should change counsellor. I find it bizarre that a counsellor would say "well yes you are desperately insecure, but it's just how you are. Bye now!"

In the long term, you need to build confidence in yourself that is unrelated to your boyfriend. Do things which you can look back on as achievements. Train and run a half marathon. Or a full one if you like. Learn a new skill that yo enjoy I'm always recommending languages).

If you do interesting things, then even if you don't feel like much has changed on the outside, you will prove to yourself that you are an intelligent, capable person, and your confidence should grow.

For this woman - she may look nice on the outside, but you already know what people actually think of her. For all her looks, people are telling you that she's a shit stirrer, and worth ignoring.

Don't be too hard on your boyfriend. Often when it's people you know (or don't know), the desire to not kick up a fuss is very strong. So you try and rationalise with the person until at one point you just snap and give up.

Stop relying on your boyfriend, and work on your own issues. Just enjoy the time you spend with him. Even if it doesn't work out years or months down the line, at this rate you will take it as a personal confirmation of whatever you think of yourself. And that's not right. Sometimes things just don't work out.

Your therapist sounds a bit lazy telling you that you're "hard wired" to have low self esteem. Sure early experiences which shape your attitude to yourself are hard to override but not impossible. You dont just have to accept a life of not feeling worthy.

Your are worthy. Without meaning to sound nasty- lots of people wouldn't find your partner attractive. He might be off the front of a health magazine- conventionally beautiful- that's not what some people want. Equally this spiteful woman might be the female equivalent.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

More importantly, though, there is so much more to sexual attraction than appearance. You must appreciate that? Your partners perceived handsomeness isn't the only reason you're with him, no?

The other woman sounds spiteful and shallow. Hardly attractive.

I am a bit skeptical about why your partner told you what she said but then attempted to insist you not take it to heart. Of course that will make you worried/self conscious. And yes he should have told her to fuck off and left not spent 20 minutes justifying why you were attractive.

I think you need to work some more on your self esteem and self worth. I'm not talking about realising how physically attractive you are (though I am sure you are)- I mean acknowledging that it's a bloody waste of time looking at all people like that. It limits the depth of social experience we are capable of; to judge everyone first on their appearance.

Find a new therapist? Hang on out the feminist forums maybe too. There's lot of feminist literature that makes you question why you care so much/give yourself a hard time.

Sounds like his cousins gf was trying to make a move on him.

I think my DP is beautiful, he thinks I am. I think he's too good for me, he worries I'll find someone better than him. Your bf wants YOU and you alone. Stop pushing him away so you can sit back and say, 'well he would have left me sometime...'. He doesn't or he wouldn't have moved in with you. He can have his pick of women? Good, he chose YOU.

I was warned that my BiL looked like an Armani model, he does. But he does nothing for me, he's attractive but I just don't fancy him.

Stop making problems that are in your head and don't build your life together with constant doubts.

Please please ignore that stupid moo. You sound lovely as does your boyfriend. Don't push him away with your insecurities.... he loves you.

Hmm, not sure about this. Personally I would have told anyone who said that about my DP to shut up (or even STFU! If I had had a few cocktails) and cut such a horrible convo off within one minute. I certainly wouldn't have told my DP because it would hurt them and make them feel even more insecure, I take it he knows how you feel?

When I first met dp people thought he was too good looking for me. Pah... What do they know. We are soulmates abd even now 3 stone later he fancies the pants off me.

She is the total opposite to me – younger, prettier, and thinner.

Even if that were true, you forgot bitchy.

Different times, different cultures place different values on what is considered appealing, desirable.

Certain types of loveliness are transient, give it another decade and that cousin's gf might look altogether different to how she is today.

Please don't let some random female tip you further into brooding over whether you are or aren't attractive enough to suit DP. You've been with him 8 months, this isn't a flash in the pan hook up, he evidently wants to be with you.

Ultimately, obsessing about perceived lack of looks becomes as tiresome as vain people gloating in their beauty.

Beauty is only skin deep - as your 'delightful' cousins GF has blatantly proved.
Your BF loves you for who you are. That's what we all want in life.
You love him - it's win/win here.
Stop putting yourself down.
He's telling you things so please listen to him and believe him.
Change counsellors.
You sound lovely and beauty comes from within!

Why did your "gorgeous" boyfriend need to tell you this? Why did he not shield your feelings? Why did he listen to her? Why did he let you sit there on your own for 20 minutes while she was being unpleasant about you and glaring at you?

I'm a little worried about your bf telling you all of this in such detail. It's a red flag for me I'm afraid - almost like he is reminding you that there is a perception that he is too good for you and reinforcing your low self-esteem. A little bit controlling for me - he could have defended you and then glossed over the conversation to protect you.

It's bollocks by the way - I bet you are great!

Perhaps boyfriend wants to be completley honest? I'd rather know.

I think your first reaction is right. Your boyfriend should have told Little Miss Troublemaker to piss off immediately rather than waste all that time. Then again, if you were sat so close and you could see it was an intimate conversation, couldn't you hear what she was saying? Didn't you feel able to interrupt? If she's known to be a serial stirrer, it sounds like she is long overdue being taken down a peg.

Your self-confidence will not be improved by being with someone who listens to those who are putting you down and then gets angry with you for being offended. Whether he's 'out of your league' is extremely debatable but I don't think he handled that situation particularly well either. When you're with the right person, you will feel secure both at home alone and out in public.

I don't think he should have let her continue once she started or told you in detail about it.

It could be a total honesty thing or it could be he wants you to keep that insecurity.

"I just think that may be there is someone better for him out there."

I honestly think there may be someone better for you out there.

He may be good looking, but as you know that is not the most important thing about a person.

Why did he entertain her for 20 mins while she was bad mouthing you? That would concern me.

Cognito, I read it as he was raging about the conversation with the cousins gf afterwards and gets angry with the OP when she raises doubts about their relationship being unbalanced lookswise.

But I do agree. My DP would have cut her off after the first word and told her to fuck right off.

I agree with the 2 previous posters. No way would I have carried on with a 20 min chat about how awful my partner was and I certainly wouldn't be repeating the details to him as I know how much it would hurt him.

Oops thread had moved on. I meant Quint and Cedric.

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it

I know in my heart of hearts I am being stupid. This girl is a cow (trying to be nice) and she hasn’t even had one conversation with me, so she’s obviously basing everything on my looks. Hey ho . . .

Gilbert She is horrendous. I’m annoyed that I’ve let her get in to my head.

Quitelikely I don’t think I mind being the less attractive one – I hadn’t really thought about that. I do work hard to look attractive – I think I dress well and I always make an effort with my hair, nails and make up. I need to lose weight and I don’t think that is helping my self-esteem.

Enb76 Point taken :)

Kaykay and Dirty – I have seen that counselor for a long time now. The last time I saw him, he told me the best thing for me to do would be to have a baby. I lost heart after that.
You are right in that I need to work on myself – I can be honest and admit that a lot of my feelings of self worth come from how I am perceived by other people. His close family has been so lovely to me and very complimentary about me and how happy I have made him and yet I choose to focus on this.

Stupidhead I said that about her making a move on him and her alluding to the fact that she was more in his league. He didn’t dismiss it but just said that she could do what she liked he wasn’t interested.

Furcoat, Donkey and Hellsbells Thank you

NickiFury He told me as he is very big on honesty and no secrets (his ex cheated on him) and he knew that keeping me in the dark would give her an excuse to use it to hurt me. I think he’s right.
He knows how I feel and knew I would be upset. He has tried to re-assure me and make me feel better. As I said, he is frustrated with how insecure I am over this and can only see that I am trying to use this as an excuse to walk away.

Oooh this has moved on a bit - will be back with answers

But he wouldn't need to tell you all this detail OR keep you in the dark if he'd just ended the conversation firmly. What did he get of it? I couldn't listen to someone slag off my DH for 20 minutes at all, let alone whilst he was sat nearby.
A cousin's girlfriend? Hardly his parents staging an intervention. She should have been told to get to fuck.

Maybe the whole 20 minutes wasn't about the OP? Or maybe she'd drip feed bits here and there. Anyway, if I was a bitch...(heh)...I'd be hinting to his cousin, his mum, his sister how said gf was 'all over him'...but I'm not a bitch...