I Am Very Unattractive And I Feel Like My Boyfriend Is Out Of My League

[MrsAlexanderSkarsgard]

Growing up, I was always made to feel that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, clever enough etc etc. This has never really changed as I have become an adult and I understand, through talking with a therapist, that these feelings are “hard-wired” inside me and are unlikely to ever completely disappear.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we are now living together.
I promise I am not stealth-boasting but he is gorgeous. What he sees in me, I have no idea. If you saw us together you would definitely see that I am punching above my weight.

He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how proud he is to be seen with me and how much he loves me, which is lovely to hear but I just can’t quite believe it. When we are alone together, I feel confident with him, but outside, in public, all those insecurities come rushing to the surface.

We went to a family gathering at the weekend and one of his cousin’s was there with his girlfriend. She is the total opposite to me – younger, prettier, and thinner.
At the end of the evening, when everyone had probably had enough to drink, she cornered my boyfriend and they were together talking intimately for around 20 mins. They were about 2ft away from where I was sitting and she kept looking over at me, obviously to make sure I was looking.
We left shortly after and he was in a rage because she had been winding him up about me. In a nutshell how I was lovely but not really the one for him and alluding to the fact that I was not good enough or what he wanted and that he could do a hell of a lot better.
He says he was defending me, trying to get her to see what he sees and that he told her that I was the love of his life.
She is known to be a serial stirrer and I’ve been told by him, his sister and his mum to ignore ignore ignore.
BUT I can’t let it go. Firstly, if anyone spoke to me about him like that, I would have told them were to stick their opinion and not spent 20 mins trying to get them to change their mind.
Secondly, I think may be she is right. He’s younger than me, better looking, in great shape and I just think that may be there is someone better for him out there.

I can’t talk to him about this anymore as he just gets angry and says that I am looking for a way to bail on him. I’m not, I love him but I don’t know how to get over this. I know it’s pathetic and I should just grow up but that little voice inside my head just won’t stop.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thank you in advance.

I am wondering has anything ever happened between this girl and your bf? She seems quite jealous doesn't she?

Hello all again! You have all been so kind and I really appreciate your good advice.

DP does get very cross when I put myself down - he has said that he would never allow anyone to say anything nasty about me and that includes not allowing me to say it about myself. I think this "thing" at the weekend is an extension of that.

Changeling There is no history between them, however DP's ex and his cousin (the bitch's partner) did have an affair and I have wondered whether if this would be her way of extracting revenge on her DP.

Just going to stand up for the boyfriend here, give another perspective. If someone were to start saying horrid things about my DP, I would stand there and defend him and be strongly pointing out all his wonderful qualities. I wouldn't immediately tell them to piss off because I'd want to put the record straight.

OP, for what it's worth, I know how you feel. My DH has been telling me for the two years we've been together that I'm sexy and gorgeous etc and I still don't believe him. Please try to accept how he feels about you. By telling him you're not attractive enough for him you're basically telling him he has bad taste and that how he feels about you is wrong. Sorry if that sounds harsh!

I know all about this sort of insecurity, though I'm on the other end of it. DH and I have been together for 20 years, married for 15, two fantastic children -- and he's still got it in the back of his mind that I'm out of his league and there is someone better out there for me. In point of fact, he's gorgeous, clever, kind, funny, talented, etc. etc. He just can't see it.

I would never hang around for 20 minutes while someone slagged him off, but I don't much care about being polite at all costs (any more) and I've known DH for a very long time and understand and have accepted his insecurities. Your boyfriend may have felt he had to extricate himself from the conversation politely rather than telling his cousin's girlfriend to get lost family parties can be tricky. He also probably finds it difficult to understand just how deeply it upset you. In his mind you're gorgeous and you're living together what is there for you to be insecure about?

I know how you feel OP. I've never really considered myself to be attractive, although plenty of people tell me otherwise. When you have low self esteem it doesn't matter how many people say nice things about you, you only hold onto the horrible things.

Whenever I say anything negative about myself dp will say "don't talk about my girlfriend like that!" standing up for me, even against myself!

I know he has had conversations with his friends where he tries to tell them why I'm so special to him, as admittedly an older, slightly overweight divorced woman with 3 DCs may not seem like such a catch for someone who has always been considered to be very attractive and has had his pick of girlfriends. His ex (and mum to his DCs) is thin, blonde, outgoing - everything I'm not, but that may well be what he likes about me!

Try to see yourself through his eyes, list the wonderful qualities that he sees, both personality and physical traits. I agree that by putting yourself down you are criticising his taste as well as yourself, so give him credit for choosing someone who is loving and kind, fun to be with and beautiful. Who would settle for less?!

Aww OP, this post made me really sad. How dare his cousin's GF speak about you like that. She is clearly a jealous little bitch with no thoughts or feelings for you, or your DP. What's it even got to fucking do with her anyway? How does his choice of partner affect her life?!

I had a similar situation a while ago with my DH (not to do with my looks though, but similar issues) and we are either NC with those people now, or they have been told in no uncertain terms that they can say/think what they like but me and DH are NOT going to break up anytime soon so like it or lump it.

I am wondering why he chose to share so much of the hurtful stuff with you, but I guess he is just being honest and upfront, so it's not been said behind your back.

Oh - and FWIW very few people are actually 'ugly' in my opinion - people just have differing tastes in partners...and clearly your boyfriend loves you for you, and is attracted to you, so never think you're not good enough.

The girl is a cunt and you sound lovely. Not all men are attracted to chocolate box supermodel looks you know, some men are attracted to women who may not be considered conventionally attractive but they have something about them. My friends are often surprised at my taste, I don't find the usual Brad Pits and George Clooney's of this world attractive, I like quirky men, that other women don't usually fancy, I'm attracted to me with big noses! Some people just ooze sex appeal, this has nothing whatsoever to do with their looks, it's innate, natural and comes from within, perhaps OP this is what you possess and that's why your boyfriend fancies you! You don't have to be beautiful to be sexy!!

And I agree with Iomega, your boyfriend over shared and should have considered the impact of what he was saying on your feelings.

We all look at things in different ways. The important bits I read from your posts are that a man you truly love and consider physically and emotionally gorgeous told you he loves you deeply, 'you are the love of his life'!

Wow. You are an incredibly lucky person - I hope that somehow you are able through reading the thread to realise that.

Mean while other events were happening in the rest of the world including another insecure women, you don't really know and who is not an important player in your life, demonstrating the extent of her own insecurities by trying to big herself up by playing on what she correctly guessed are your insecurities.

I can understand how, as others have pointed out, he could develop an insecurity that you're looking for ways to end things due to your reaction.

You love someone? Who loves you. That is very special. Grab it, embrace it, celebrate it and don't let go.