I Am Very Unattractive And I Feel Like My Boyfriend Is Out Of My League

[MrsAlexanderSkarsgard]

Growing up, I was always made to feel that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, clever enough etc etc. This has never really changed as I have become an adult and I understand, through talking with a therapist, that these feelings are “hard-wired” inside me and are unlikely to ever completely disappear.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months and we are now living together.
I promise I am not stealth-boasting but he is gorgeous. What he sees in me, I have no idea. If you saw us together you would definitely see that I am punching above my weight.

He is constantly telling me how beautiful I am, how proud he is to be seen with me and how much he loves me, which is lovely to hear but I just can’t quite believe it. When we are alone together, I feel confident with him, but outside, in public, all those insecurities come rushing to the surface.

We went to a family gathering at the weekend and one of his cousin’s was there with his girlfriend. She is the total opposite to me – younger, prettier, and thinner.
At the end of the evening, when everyone had probably had enough to drink, she cornered my boyfriend and they were together talking intimately for around 20 mins. They were about 2ft away from where I was sitting and she kept looking over at me, obviously to make sure I was looking.
We left shortly after and he was in a rage because she had been winding him up about me. In a nutshell how I was lovely but not really the one for him and alluding to the fact that I was not good enough or what he wanted and that he could do a hell of a lot better.
He says he was defending me, trying to get her to see what he sees and that he told her that I was the love of his life.
She is known to be a serial stirrer and I’ve been told by him, his sister and his mum to ignore ignore ignore.
BUT I can’t let it go. Firstly, if anyone spoke to me about him like that, I would have told them were to stick their opinion and not spent 20 mins trying to get them to change their mind.
Secondly, I think may be she is right. He’s younger than me, better looking, in great shape and I just think that may be there is someone better for him out there.

I can’t talk to him about this anymore as he just gets angry and says that I am looking for a way to bail on him. I’m not, I love him but I don’t know how to get over this. I know it’s pathetic and I should just grow up but that little voice inside my head just won’t stop.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Thank you in advance.

She feels superior to you because she's better looking (she thinks). I wish you could feel superior because you're actually a nice person who would never in a billion years (I presume) actively try to make someone else feel like you did.

It doesn't really matter how he responded assuming he didn't agree. YOU could've moved somewhere else. You could've concentrated on being a lively party guest having fun. You are allowed to take charge of your own self-esteem. Get a new counsellor. That one is WRONG. You don't have to be downtrodden all your life. No one's saying it's easy but It's NOT inevitable.

I'm not entirely sure why the OP's BF is getting such a hard time. Two points:

1. OP, did you raise the subject with him because you'd seen the cousin's GF's behaviour. Or did he raise the subject with you because he'd not only experienced the cousin's GF's behaviour but had spotted you noticing?

If neither of these, then I might be wondering why he raised it.

2. He's been the OP's BF for 8 months. If a BF of mine of 8 month's tenure wasn't mature enough to behave in a socially appropriate manner in a social gathering with his GF's family, that I would consider worth questioning.

By which I mean that I have never heard it to be "the norm" to jump straight into telling virtual strangers to STFU rather than displaying and modelling good manners.

I think the b/f is getting a hard time because the correct response to .... 'I think you could do better than your munter of a girlfriend' (I paraphrase) ... is 'I think you are way out of line and I suggest you keep your opinions to yourself while I go and give all my attention to said girlfriend'.... not 'let me chat to you for 20 minutes about her relative merits while you keep casting glances her way...'

Okay so the most important thing I have learnt from your update is that you should be reporting your "counsellor" to whatever board or organisation he is signed up with.

Him telling you the best thing to do to improve self esteem is to "have a baby" is ludicrously unprofessional, and potentially EXTREMELY damaging. I'm relieved you saw through that bullshit.

But honestly, this man should NOT be practising. Please please lodge a formal complaint.

I wonder if he tells other (female, of course!!) clients that they would be happier if they did more housework

Sorry, I'm at work, so will try and answer everyone but it's going to be here and there . . .

I know looks aren't important and are superficial. Looks fade and it's "you" /your personalities that hold you together. I am obviously just as superficial as her as I am basing all this on my looks. Not how much we have in common, how much we laugh together, how he makes me feel. This is more about my failings than his.

Yes they were chatting together for 20 minutes, he says I only cropped up near the end as they had started off talking about his cousin and their children. I wasn't sitting on my own, I was with his sister and another cousin. We were chatting and generally having a good time. There was loud music and so whilst I was close, I have no idea of the actual conversation other than what he has told me.

The last time I saw (the counsellor) he told me the best thing for me to do would be to have a baby.

Good grief.

I don't agree that there is only one correct response. A lot of genuinely nice people are utterly staggered by the rudeness of others. He may have also felt "on trial" by the family and so was minding his Ps & Qs.

But its actually my first point that I feel is the more relevant. How or why did the subject even come up later? I don't find it necessary to tell my partner the details of every conversation I have about them (or any one else for that matter) at any social gathering.

But do agree that the counsellor suggesting having a baby as a solution is bizarre. Are they approved/registered with any particular body? If so, a written complaint is worth making, even if they may have a different recall/notes of the session. It can happen, but a body of complaints will be taken seriously. If they're not, please go and see one who is.

I didn't ask him what they were talking about. When they finished their conversation, he came over to me and asked me if I was ready to leave. It was very late and I could tell by the look on his face that all was not well, so I agreed and we said goodbye and left.
When we got outside, he grabbed me and held me really tight. He said he needed to tell me about what he had just been talking about and he couldn't believe what a "fcuking bitch she was". He had had a lot to drink, so it seemed to go in circles but eventually he told me exactly what she'd said. When I asked him why he had carried on the conversation as I would have just told her where to go, he kept going on and on about trying to get her to see what he does and make her understand how he feels about me and that she needs to keep her nose out.

As I've said, I don't get this. But we are different. I wouldn't have given her 5 mins of my time. He's nice to everyone (much like his mum).

There is more to relationships than just looks.

It sounds like your boyfriend appreciates you as a person and finds your personality a bigger draw than perhaps the more obvious attractions of the supposedly conventionally pretty.

Also, it sounds like your boyfriend didn't want to be confrontational with this woman and couldn't find a way to get out of the conversation - also she sounds pretty persistent. It may also be your boyfriend isn't used to telling women to get lost (a lot of men who will happily tell a bloke to get stuffed won't do the same to a woman).

I'm known for being the tiniest bit confrontational and a lot of DH's mates find it baffling that he is with me (I equal hard work apparently) while they are with more docile females. But DH and I are together because we have a great a time and get on really well.

I do think you should dump your counsellor - how did she qualify?

I'm the same (as your BF and his Mum OP), as are the majority of my family. Admittedly I would've kept my mouth shut noted the cousin's GF as one to avoid at future gatherings.

I'd also definitely prepare myself with one of those fabulous MNet statements of the "do you realise how rude you've just been" type for any future repeat.

All I can say is that b*tch is clearly very insecure and jealous of you...!

It was his family at the gathering, not OPs. His mother and sister have told OP that the cousin's girlfriend was out of line and a stirrer.

I apologise as I read the OP to mean he listened to twenty minutes of slagging off.

I still feel he could have said 'I disagree and I don't want you to talk about my DP like that,' the polite version of fuck off, really. I wasn't being literal. The cousin's girlfriend was being rude if he wants to be rude back I wouldn't judge him.

At a party years ago, I heard an admittedly very attractive woman telling someone how he could do better than his current girlfriend. He politely but firmly said 'We will have to agree to differ on that one' and walked away. Job done.

Just a bit of back ground on my ex-psychiatrist. I was referred to him via my GP and I saw him under BUPA (presumably they wouldn't have paid for me to see him if wasn't registered?)
He has the following letters after his name - BSc, MB BCh, FRCPsych
and is also a member of The Royal College of Psychiatrists

I stopped seeing him about 3 years ago - the baby comment was the nail in the coffin really. I didn't feel I was making any progress - in fact I used to get in a bit of state just going to see him. I felt no better, no stronger and still as much as a mess than when I started seeing him.

Hadn't ever thought about reporting him. He did say that if his colleagues heard him telling me to have a baby, it wouldn't go down very well.

Hmmmm, the last bit indicates that he is a Fellow of the Royal College of Psychiatrists; its not clear whether the two previous are specialist qualifications in psychiatry. But the FRCPsych isn't a mickey mouse accreditation as: "Fellowship is awarded to a Member who has made a significant and distinctive contribution to psychiatry."

I don't know if BUPA cover counselling and psychotherapy, or if psychiatry is the only form of talking therapy offered. For counselling or psychotherapy you could try either BACP or UKCP

Well, to give your bf the benefit of the doubt, it sounds like he was pretty pissed. I still find it very weird that he needed to unburden something so hurtful on you - he could easily have kept his mouth shut. And yy to just closing down the conversation without being rude. Pretty easy IMHO, and I am a big people pleaser.

Cedric" From what I've heard about her, she would probably use my lack of knowledge as a way to stir things further. At least I know everything now - I know I can't trust her one little bit, I know to avoid her like the plague and I know she is a massive btch.

Oops BOLD fail. Sorry Cedric

The thing is you are attractive. You have friends and a very good looking bf that love you and as there is no picture of you I can't comment on your looks.

I have some stunning friends who don't realise how good looking they are and focus on some minor flaw that isn't really a flaw. If you've been criticised growing up then it's hard for you to realise that you are attractive.

But if course ignore the bitch. What kind of pathetic disgusting excuse for a human being slags off a woman she hasn't met? All it means is that she's the insecure one and us lacking in something.

Ignore and enjoy your relationship and start realising how attractive you are xx

Your boyfriend is obviously 'into' you. You respect him (I hope) so respect that in his eyes you are beautiful, alluring, witty and admirable.
The bitch is a shallow, insensitive, insecure , gossipy poor excuse of womanhood with apparently only the qualities of being thin and the looks she was born with. Her personality sucks it would seem.
Also, do practice accepting you are good enough to date whoever the hell you're drawn to (mutual feelings allowing).
Beauty is a fleeting construct. Don't pin your life to it. That woman has (I guess from her need to publicise her own shallowness) and it has got her nowhere.

Thank you all very much for your kindness

I bet you are a lot better looking than you think you are.

Some women are just cows like this one. Your bf is probably just too nice to tell anyone to do one.

Ignore her, let the chat go as you wondering what they were talking about will be her 'game'.

Enjoy your lovely relationship and stop thinking you are punching above your weight because THAT will destroy your relationship.

Sometimes when a conversation takes a very unexpected turn and someone says something completely outrageous you are so taken aback you don't know how to respond. I think this is how your boyfriend felt so please dont be critical of him.

He clearly loves you and doesn't see your perceived faults, so just pretend you don't either.

I did read somewhere that people who dwell on the negative things in life whether real or perceived have more lack of self esteem and depression, and those who just shut the memories away and didn't ruminate on them were much happier and mentally healthier. Maybe it's something you should try?

Lots of good advice here. I know people who aren't good-looking on paper. Their features aren't perfect, they're a bit overweight or whatever... yet they are massively attractive and have people after them all the time. Some people just have "it".

Possibly cowbag woman senses this in you and is jealous.

Secondly, you said it yourself, you are hard-wired to think less of yourself and not be able to see your own beauty, so how you feel about your looks is very psychological and may have very little to do with what you actually look like. What to you seems ugly or wonky, too big too small etc may be features that other people admire. Not being able to objectively assess your own looks is very common. Maybe you're an absolute stunner!

I can understand it must be frustrating for your boyfriend if you are insecure about him and slag off or fret about your own appearance a lot. What you need is confidence, both in what you look like – whatever that is like - and in who you are.

The counsellor saying you should have a baby was soooo unprofessional! Would he say that to a man???