End of my tether

[Foolishlady]

Ok I generally wouldn't post here cos (no offence ladies and I don't want to put everyone's back up before I start) I sometimes think the boards' sa but quick to recommend breaking up when children are involved - but I'm getting unhappier in my relationship and I don't know what to do. My dh is a good man but he's horrendous with money. We're about to get a house and found out yesterday that we may be refused a mortgage because he has let one of his loans go into serious default. I was printing out our joint savings account this morning and saw that despite jointly saving 800e a month we have less money than last year as he is constantly taking money out. He has more outgoings than me but he is really not on a bad salary at all. I just can't face constantly bailing him out, never being able to trust him with money..,this has been constant since we got married. I work hard and have been lucky enough for my parents to have given some money towards our deposit but some of this is going to be used to pay his debts - and this will never stop. I am maybe too far on the other side in terms of frugality, are we destined to be unhappy? But we have a lovely 21 month old who loves seeing his parents together. Relationship not amazing other than this, we still have a laugh together, but have v different family background and political views, and have had sex less than 10 times in 2.5 years. Some of this is him but recently I've just stopped fancying him. What do I do?

came into a large unexpected windfall last year

Oh love. Isn't it obvious what has happened here? Like duh.

Why is your nn foolish woman btw? (Not being bitchy, just wondering why you chose it)

Don't know what you mean? Large unexpected windfall came 7 years into our relationship and after the previous financial crisis of trust. I did have a big saved best egg even before that though as I said we are at extremes, I am an extreme saver.
Foolish lady nn came when I was talking about my ridiculous crush actually.

Nest egg, not best egg!

You are an extreme saver and he is an extreme spender?

Extreme spender: deffo. He's taken nearly TEN GRAND of shared savings in the last 12 months.

This will not end well.

You both seem to have issues around money.

Can't you see it's because he thinks there's more where that came from? Having no idea about money and all.

What a mess.

There are issues that can be compromised on in a marriage and issues that cannot. Money, specifically utter lack of control of spending, is on the 'cannot' side, IMHO. Everyone is entitled to have a little 'fun money' of course, but when it veers into depleting family savings or endangering the home (either in being unable to purchase or unable to pay the mortgage because a partner squanders money) it's just not something that you can 'meet in the middle' about.

Just to point out he didn't steal from my parent's fund.

My bad that should have said wedding fund: the money he took needs to be paid back. Not holding him to the money he takes simply enables him to take more, with no incentive to change. And if you use your parents' fund to pay off his debts, that must be paid back too. Personally I don't think you should let him have it, I think he should simply get himself a debt repayment plan.

You say that he paid off a credit card debt with 'winnings' I infer that must mean from gambling? My hunch is that this is not about overspending on coffees and meals out, he may well have a concealed gambling habit.

You also say that previous advice here was overly pessimistic when you were advised not to have kids with this man. You say you were told he would become a slacker dad and end up primary carer. He may have got a job, but he's still a slacker and I think the advice was correct. Your life would be a lot eaiser if you'd dumped him and married someone sensible with money. People here don't have a crystal ball, but I'm surprised how accurate that advice was. Now you're stuck with someone you can't respect and don't even fancy.

I do not think the advice you're receciving about the current issue is pessimistic either, simply realistic.

Lastly, it's simply not true that your son will likely favour his dad, he's 21 months old! He loves both of you. And when he's old enough to see what his father gets up to, he will not respect him.

Can I ask what he earns OP?

Don't want to say exactly what he earns but well above average salary. The winnings are v far from being gambling. Earned through his talent & are almost annual at this stage (though not guaranteed). I usually persuade him to use it some of it to pay down his credit card, he complains but doesn't seem to get if he didn't run up the debt in the meantime he wouldn't have to. Is looking like his project should also pay enough back to pay money back eventually (really, external agencies interested).
He came back last night & unprompted he said he had been thinking and could said he was thinking and could understand why I wanted to protect my money, he would probably want to do the same. He is still balking at the one third/two third ownership split I was proposing (you see ladies I am listening to you somewhat) as he thinks I'll throw my great ownership share at him if we ever argue ( I would not, in fact i'ld be less resentful if my greater contribution was recognised) but is open to considering something.
He was scared witless this week, the idea of telling everyone (particularly my family) that the house had fallen through because of him was terrifying. Don't know if it'll cause long term change though.

"honestly believe my son will always favour his dad over me"

Why do you persist in believing that piece of fiction?. You've written similar before.

Either way OP, his compulsive spending pattern is akin to gambling - he is essentially losing money. Even if he doesn't literally fritter it away in the horses, he fritters it away on other things.

I think you should tell your parents and have everything out in the open. There would be then far more incentive for him to avoid further embarrassment.

You realise that the argument line vis a vis the one third/two third ownership is just an excuse right? He wants a better deal for himself financially, and it sounds like he will feel disadvantaged without it. But would be just as likely to bring up the fact that he pressured you not to ring-fence your portion against your better judgement.

When I introduced the concept of gambling I was using it metaphorically. I was using it to suggest the you were the gambler or perhaps the "mark"(another metaphor, since I assume H isn't really a conman) in the context of this thread. My apologies if you thought I was denigrating H's career. I was not.

I think the OP might have been responding to my question above as to whether 'winnings' he paid off his credit card with were from gambling.

Personally, I think he has gambling spending patterns even if he is not literally placing bets. He's taking risks with money and frittering it away.

"Is looking like his project should also pay enough back to pay money back eventually (really, external agencies interested)."

So, he is gambling. Gambling that some hypothetical future "earnings" will pay off when it's not been earned or received yet.

He's either foolishly optimistic, which could get you both in terrible trouble if it becomes a pattern, or a bloody fool.

But what is clear is that he's appropriated monies which were intended for both of you (wedding gifts) and he's taken money out of your joint-savings without consulting you. This makes him devious and very dishonest. I could forgive the foolishly optimistic bit at a push but not the dishonesty.

If your parents are in any way contributing to the purchase of this home, then (IMO) they deserve to know the truth. It's only fair that they know that their money (even if it is a gift) may very well go right down the rat hole due to your husband's spending.

I know that I would resent it if my son took money to buy a home knowing that their spouse had a huge spending problem that may result in the loss of that home or our having to bail them out at a later date to keep it from foreclosure.

Sorry if that sounds harsh.

He's relying on being bailed out. He thinks there is a huge pot he's married into and expects said pot to be everlasting, covering every indulgence, he is entitled to it, it belongs to him, it is his. I don't think he has any concept of monetary boundaries and already has that money in his possession in his head. He probably thinks parents are mean not to share it around. I wish i could say this is my opinion.

Definitely tell your parents. He should be on a lead strict budget with no access to extra funds. Forget one third, he should have zero until (?) he gets it, until he understands money: what it is, where it comes from, who it belongs to [not him].

totally what springydaffs has said .. and many others too, looking back very quickly ...