Finally hoping I have the courage to tell him to go.

[CardiffUniversityNetballTeam]

I have posted before on this board, infrequently and the last time was probably some time ago now. But I need a new thread where I can gather my thoughts and support my decision making.

All advice, support, shared stories, unMNy hugs and arse kicking is welcome!

As background, DP and I have been together for 8 years. We live together and have a DS who is 6.
Last night and today I have made the decision to end the relationship. This isn't the first, or even the second time I have decided this and yet, here I am, still here.
The first time I left was very early on in the relationship, before DS. DP and I had a row and he smashed up my car. He subsequently begged for forgiveness and I took him back (more fool me).
Since then I have tried to end it at least four or five times for various reasons; drinking, abusive behaviour, gambling. And each time he has talked me round.
This time there isn't one single issue or incident that has caused me to want to separate, I just feel like I can't take anymore. I feel like I can't carry on pretending our relationship is normal. I can't carry on enabling his behaviour. I can't let our DS grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship. I deserve better.
I am terrified though. Terrified I am too weak to go through with it. Terrified that he will emotionally manipulate me into changing my mind again. I don't even believe in God, but God give me strength to see it through this time so I can build a better life for me and my son.

I am sorry but nobody can talk you round when they've been doing what your dp has done to you, you are in a very abusive and damaging relationship, this will impact on your child too, in time.

Instead of making excuses and assuming he has more control of your life than you do yourself, take the control and find a happy life for yourself, you can make all the excuses in the world to stay but you now yourself the right thing to do is to get out, it doesn't sound anywhere near like a normal relationship. I'd love to know what hold he has on you.

If you do not do it, you will regret it.

This time you will do it because your ready to.

I was in a similar position DV EA and the thing that made me leave was something very minor compared to the rest. He complained Id give myself more food than him on my plate. I was ready to leave. So I did.

It was bloody hard though- he was crying and phoning , I thought my heart would actually break, I could feel real pain. But the thought that I knew he was wrong for me and dd kept me going.

Is it your place or shared? Will he leave ?

It's very strange how much you will put up with- my ex put my hand on a red hot cooker ring was serverly burned . I went back because he was crying and I felt sorry for him!

Start imagining your life with out him, imagine yourself free, happy and settled. Imagine your dc happy because your happy and how much settled they will be. Hold on to that thought

Knowing that my son would turn out similar to his father would be enough to spur me on. Keep that in mind.

I have just made the same decision - after 23 yrs together (so don't beat yourself up over 8). The last time I was leaving was in the summer, I allowed myself to be talked round (things'll be different, he'll change etc etc) but although they did get a bit better, not enough for me to want to stay.

I think we wait for a catalyst because then when we tell others why we're leaving there is an actual reason - but there doesn't need to be and it is OK just to say "enough is enough". I have 2 teenage DS and talk to them all the time about how mine and their DF relationship is not normal (lots of EA) - that I suddenly thought, what must they think of me that I accept it? It only took one "minor" incident after that (on Friday so this is all very raw still) for me to make my mind up. And it is made up - kids told - Mum told - manager in work told (in case i need time off), it is further than I have ever gone previously and I feel completely different in my head and heart. I can imagine my life moving forwards and am nervously excited about it.

It's encouraging to hear others of you out there also finding the strength to say, enough is enough.
I don't know what hold he has over me, it's very hard to articulate. It's not that I don't know that I would be able to manage without him. Perhaps now I've finally woken up and realised that he won't ever change and that even if he did, I'm not sure I'd stay anyway. I think I've finally had as much as I can take.
The house is in my name. I am going to ask him to move out. My parents have offered to give him enough money for a rental deposit. If he refuses then I will move out, but then I will sell the house and he will have to move out anyway. So hopefully he will take the money from my parents and I can stay here.

Surely if the house is in your name and you aren't actually married then it is your asset and he hasn't got any choice but to move out if you ask him.

Surely it's cheaper and quicker to change the locks on your house than sell it and disrupt both your like and that of your son.

Please exercise extreme caution! Violent and abusive partners can and will step up the abuse to new levels once they are acquainted with the fact that you want the relationship to end. Because of this, do not expect him to go quietly and put to up no resistance. He thinks he has a hold over you because the past his confirmed this to him. That is why you have found it so very difficult to escape his clutches before.

I would advise you to have other people present to protect you when you break this news. Have all of his shit packed up ready and have the locks changed beforehand. I would advise you to have your parents there and the police at hand. Call them on the 101 number and tell them that he's been violent in the past and that "you fear a breach of the police".

Expect an extreme reaction and for him not to be willing to take this lying down. Violence, harassment, possibly stalking. Expect the worst and hope for the best.

Oh OP I am here to wish you strangth and luck that it all goes smoothly. You CAN do it - promise. And you will, for your DC

You can indeed do it! Read some of the stories in here, take courage and strength from those woman who are currently fighting their way to freedom from abusive stbxs, talk to WA would be a very good idea, and the police to ensure you're safe. Talk to people in RL, do you have family / close friend you can confide in so they can support you? And the women on here are fab for icing support, advice, boosting your strength when you feel it ebbing and just being generally great in being there for you.

You CAN do this!

If he refuses to move out, you can get him removed. If you leave him there is no guarantee that he won't wreck your home. He will certainly make it difficult for you to sell it. Can you imagine him cheerfully showing buyers around a nice tidy house?

Please call women's aid- they can support you and give you information that you need.

Thanks for all your words of wisdom and kindness ladies.

I'm not hugely worried about him having an extreme reaction, especially if DS is here. He is much less volatile and prone to outbursts since he became a parent. I'm worried he won't believe that I mean it this time. I'm worried, as he works exceptionally long hours, that he will just say he doesn't have time to look for somewhere else to live.
I think that if I just packed up his things and changed the locks then that would generate an extreme reaction. Also, he has hoarding issues so he has more stuff than I could just bag up and leave on the doorstep.
I think I do need to get in touch with Women's Aid. What kind of support do they offer? My MIL, who has been extremely understanding today (he's pretty bloody awful to her too so she is very supportive) thinks I might benefit from some kind if therapy/counselling but I'm not sure if that's really my bag.

I haven't done it yet. Tonight is the night.
He didn't get in from the pub until after I had gone to bed last night. He slept on the sofa and then went out to work this morning before I was awake.
I am determined to say to him tonight, "I need to say something to you and I need you to listen to me. It's over."
I'm scared if I don't do it soon I'll keep minimising all the things he does and talk myself out of it again.

I know exactly what you mean as I am in the same predicament. The things that help me closer to actually doing it are lists:

1. Make a list of all the things he has done to hurt and upset you and get angry about everything he has spoiled for you and your dc
2. Make a list of all the things he would have to do for you to keep him and reflect on it honestly - you'll know that he ain't going to ever change.
3. Make a list of all the things you can look forward to without him bringing you down. It sounds stupid but I love doing jigsaws but he complains when i do one. I have bought a box of jigsaw and a big box of celebrations to treat myself to and am really looking forward to the peace to enjoy them without him giving me grief.

Try and remember all the bad times and look at him through harsh unforgiving eyes. Good luck.

Oh good luck cardiff you deserve to live your life without worrying about someone else's reaction to perfectly normal situations.... That's what tell myself.

Keep coming back for encouragement if you feel yourself wavering

Hi Cardiff. Just my thoughts, but don't move out and leave him there and then try to sell it. What if he trashes the place or is obnoxious to potential buyers. It will leave him in quite a powerful position.

Separately, I hope it's gone well (?) in telling him and that you are safe.

Thanks laco. I will speak to him later when DS is in bed.
In terms of who moves out, my flat is shared ownership through the HA, so I would actually only be selling it back to them rather than on the open market. I'm worried if I tell him to leave he just won't go and we will be stuck here together. At least if I move out it's a clean break and it will be much quicker.

OP..is your house. You want him out and he refuses to go? Call the police who will remove him, even if he isn't causing any problems then and there. Ask them to make sure he hands over his house key (or failing that, put your own key in the lock to stop him entering) and if he returns and you don't want him there, call the police again. The law is on your side, domestic violence/abuse issues are rightly a hot priority with constabularies and you have absolute power and say so over who remains in a house you singularly own or rent in your name. Don't you move out!

I think you are worried about actually explaining why it is over.

But you do know, don't you, that it can be over simply because you don't want to be in a relationship with him anymore. If it doesn't work for you, and it is over for you, then it is over and cannot be argued with.

Perhaps you need a few strong phrases up your sleeve....

This does not work for me anymore.

I don't love you anymore.

I don't want to make it work, I already know it doesn't work for me.

I have made my mind up.

Best of luck sticking to your guns

Remember the old motto "Never complain, never explain". Keep repeating it. You don't have to give him any explanation. Just 'it's over, move out'. To explain opens up the wedge for him to try and talk you out of it. And he's proven that you are vulnerable to his explanations. If you are worried about his reaction, contact 101 explain that you are asking an abusive partner to leave and maybe they can be on alert in case you need to call them.

If you packed up his things and changed the locks, what is the 'extreme reaction' you are afraid of? You will be inside a locked house, he will be outside. If he attempted to get in or stood outside and shouted threats you could dial 999 and probably get a restraining order.

Any update OP?

Well, it's done. I told him. I was so scared......and then no reaction, barely anything at all.
He came in and he had brought me some sweets, so I knew then he realised he was in the shit. Sweets or flowers is the default wordless apology. Although this time I also got a mumbled "sorry" as well.
Then I told him I had something to say and I needed him to listen. I said we were finished and one of us needed to leave. He didn't say anything. I said I would pay a deposit on a place for him if he moved out or I would move out until I sold the flat and then he would need to move out anyway. He just grunted and said, "well you've obviously made your mind up then."
Then he asked if I'd thought about what would happen with our DS. I said obviously I had and that either joint custody or access whenever he wanted.
After that he started mucking around on his iPad and I realised he wasn't going to say anything else and I didn't really have anything else to say right now. So I went to go to bed. On my way I asked him if he would be okay to take DS to breakfast club in the morning. I said "yes, I guess it will be one of the last times I ever see him." I said, that wasn't true and that just because we were splitting up didn't mean he wouldn't be able to see DS.
He just grunted and here I am in bed, wondering what will happen next.

Hope all is still quiet. G'night

Well done. A horrid time, but you will get through it. If he tries to get you into a conversation just stick to 'yes you were right, I have made my mind up.'