Finally hoping I have the courage to tell him to go.

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I have posted before on this board, infrequently and the last time was probably some time ago now. But I need a new thread where I can gather my thoughts and support my decision making.

All advice, support, shared stories, unMNy hugs and arse kicking is welcome!

As background, DP and I have been together for 8 years. We live together and have a DS who is 6.
Last night and today I have made the decision to end the relationship. This isn't the first, or even the second time I have decided this and yet, here I am, still here.
The first time I left was very early on in the relationship, before DS. DP and I had a row and he smashed up my car. He subsequently begged for forgiveness and I took him back (more fool me).
Since then I have tried to end it at least four or five times for various reasons; drinking, abusive behaviour, gambling. And each time he has talked me round.
This time there isn't one single issue or incident that has caused me to want to separate, I just feel like I can't take anymore. I feel like I can't carry on pretending our relationship is normal. I can't carry on enabling his behaviour. I can't let our DS grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship. I deserve better.
I am terrified though. Terrified I am too weak to go through with it. Terrified that he will emotionally manipulate me into changing my mind again. I don't even believe in God, but God give me strength to see it through this time so I can build a better life for me and my son.

Oh well done you

Well done you! If you don't see movement from him in the next 48 hours, I'd give him a date to be gone. It may be that he's thinking 'yeah, yeah, I can just wait her out'.

Well done!

Thanks for all your supportive messages.
Today is not a good day. I'm angry and sad. He said last night that as we are splitting up he will only be able to have DS on Sundays. This isn't true, if he made a few sacrifices we could easily have joint custody. He knows full well that by only having him one day a week that I won't be able to work full time anymore. I think he hopes that I will agree to stay together so I don't have to struggle financially. He always finds time to pursue his hobbies around his work but he won't make the effort for this.
As I said, angry and sad.

Your ex is a toad who will also use access to his child to further get back at you.

I would formalise all access through the courts now seeing as he is already stating such rubbish. Informal arrangements are not going to work out.

You may still be able to work if you look at variety of child care options, but you may also get help as a single parent, check out entitledto website to get an idea of what you might be able to claim and speak to someone at CAB or WA about benefits claims. Try not to take notice of whatever crap he's spouting, he's just saying anything that'll upset and stress you x

This is just another ploy to try to control you.

Don't let him control you, take the power back and say fine go and say I will be in touch when it's convenient for you to see your dc.

Well, if he won't make time to watch his own child to enable you to work, then he should pay sufficient support for you to pay for childcare! His choice.

I agree, he's trying to box you in so that you can't 'do without him'.

Apply for any/all benefits to which you are entitled. Talk to your employer about the possibility of rearranging your work days if that would help. Enlist help (until things settle) of any family and friends who may be able to help you with childcare. You may have to cobble something together at first, but it will be worth it!

Thanks again everyone. I will definitely look at what I might be entitled to benefits-wise, can't believe I'm on the brink of being a single mum on benefits at the age of 34.

Today has gone from bad to worse. ExP is out for the day with DS (see, he is able to make the effort when it suits him) but my work situation is awful. I manage a team of about 15 people. One of them is already off on long term sick. I've managed to cover his hours these last few weeks but now another person came to me today and told me she has to go back to her home country indefinitely in two weeks time. I would normally just pick up the slack and do extra hours but now this isn't realistic if I can't really on ExP for childcare.
I was already dreading ringing my line manager on Monday to tell her about it but now I really don't know what I'm going to say to her.

Don't give up hope yet. It may be that he will step up after he realizes that his threats aren't changing your mind. What if you TOLD him that DS WILL be dropped off at his rather than asking? Also, remind him that his failure to step up now and show that he is a responsible father may affect his access later!

All you can do is tell your line manager the truth. I hope she's the sympathetic type. And if you are able to, delegate tasks to the other team members rather than picking up the slack all on your own.

Thanks Acrossthepond. I hope he will come to realise how serious I am and eventually we can reach a sensible, civilised agreement. I expect there will be a lot of foot stamping and attempts at emotional blackmail and manipulation before we get there though.

I do think my line manager might be sympathetic, she's a single mum herself. But she is also incredibly career focused and driven, so we will have to see.

Good luck, will keep my fingers crossed manager is understanding, and yes, tell him when he'll be looking after his son, he should be doing half the care or as close to it as you can arrange. Deep breaths when it feels overwhelming, you'll find more answers as you move through it, just feels awful and scary to start with as it's a big change. Be kind to yourself

I have just been told that if I want him to move out I need to give him seven thousand pounds as this is half the mortgage payments we have made since we moved in here. Part of me wants to say "see you in court then." The other part thinks it would be a small price to pay to get the fuck rid of him. And just to see the look on his face when I say, "cheque or bank transfer?"

Is he on the mortgage? If not, he can bog off!

No, he's not. The whole thing is in my name only.
I think I need to see a solicitor.

As I understand it, if he has made payments towards the mortgage, he may well be entitled to some equity in the house, even if it is in your sole name.

That is why people who are cohabiting are advised to split the bills so that the homeowner pays the mortgage, but the other person pays for food, car expenses, utilities, that sort of thing.

If your house has increased in value over the time he has lived there, half the mortgage payments could well be cheap.

Definitely see a solicitor as soon as possible.

Work out how much rent he would have had to pay, deduct thst and give him the balance

Don't give him anything if he wants money then He can go to a solicitor for it, he will be paying maintenance so umm err I don't think so. It's a scare tactic the sooner you realise and immunise yourself to it the better.

Get him out change the locks your,name your rules, he will have to fight for every penny I doubt he will though he's bluffing.

Personally I would go down the "change the locks, see you in court" option, because a man who doesnt have enough in the bank to pay a deposit/first months rent will not be able to afford the exhorbitant legal fees he would need to pay to get this to court.

However, I would be tempted too as I think he is using this to try and stay there until you have backed down again. You saying yes leaves him with no come back. So if you do decide to pay him off then I would offer him £3k (as has been pointed out, he would have had to pay rent if he wasnt living with you) up front if he signs a legal document to agree that he will not pursue any further claims on your house or your money. If he is as strapped as he sounds he will probably take it.

Thats when you slap him with a claim via the CSA!

My understanding is that the rules are very different if you are cohabiting or if you are married. Since you refer to him as 'P' rather than 'H' I assume you are NOT married. I think that means he cannot claim anything as far as the house goes. You should see a solicitor asap to confirm since I'm only going on what I've read on other threads about people cohabiting being pretty much left with nothing because their names weren't on the house and others being told NOT to marry because it would give the spouse an interest in their house, but cohabiting wouldn't.

So, don't give him a penny or offer him anything until you confirm with a solicitor. If you are told he is due nothing, then just show him the door. If it turns out that he 'may' have some type of interest due to sharing housing costs, then you'll need to determine if it's in your interest to buy him off before he realizes it!

Please don't give him money before you've spoken to a solicitor and got your legal position worked out firmly in your head.

Well, it didn't take long. It all turned nasty this morning.
He wanted to take DS to work with him but because they got in so late last night DS was tired and didn't want to go. I said to ExP that if DS didn't want to go it was ok because MIL would have him instead.
ExP then basically shouted at DS "Well if you don't want to come with me the first of our Sundays together then we can just forget about it!"
I went through with ExP into the other room and asked him what all that was about, seeing as how he hadn't moved out yet I didn't think the whole "only on Sundays" thing had started yet? He said he was moving out tonight so it had started. I said okay then. Then he said "so you'd better give me that seven grand tonight." I said I was planning on taking legal advice first before I handed over that kind of money and that anyway, where did he expect me to find seven grand from on a Sunday?!
He then went back into DS, who he had already upset by shouting at him, and asked him again if he would spend the day with him. DS said no. Then ExP said well I don't know when I'll see you again, maybe never. DS started crying and said, why never. ExP said "because mummy wants me to move out so I don't know when I'll have the chance to see you ever again." Then he asked DS again if he wanted to come to work with him. DS was clearly frightened and upset and said "no thank you."
At which point ExP turned to me and screamed at the top of his voice "I fucking hate you, you cunt."
And now I have had to explain to a tearful six year old that Daddy is cross with me, not with him and that we both still love him very much.
What a fucking mess.
And before anyone worries, I'm definitely not going to stay living with anyone who calls me a fucking cunt in front of a child.

What a dreadful specimen. You'll both be well shot of him.

I hope his mother finds out about this op ide be disgusted if that was my son. I. Might even phone the police and have him done for threatening and abusive behaviour, especially in front of your son, I hope he manages to calm down poor little mite

I'm sorry that happened. At least it reinforces how right you are!!