Finally hoping I have the courage to tell him to go.

[CardiffUniversityNetballTeam]

I have posted before on this board, infrequently and the last time was probably some time ago now. But I need a new thread where I can gather my thoughts and support my decision making.

All advice, support, shared stories, unMNy hugs and arse kicking is welcome!

As background, DP and I have been together for 8 years. We live together and have a DS who is 6.
Last night and today I have made the decision to end the relationship. This isn't the first, or even the second time I have decided this and yet, here I am, still here.
The first time I left was very early on in the relationship, before DS. DP and I had a row and he smashed up my car. He subsequently begged for forgiveness and I took him back (more fool me).
Since then I have tried to end it at least four or five times for various reasons; drinking, abusive behaviour, gambling. And each time he has talked me round.
This time there isn't one single issue or incident that has caused me to want to separate, I just feel like I can't take anymore. I feel like I can't carry on pretending our relationship is normal. I can't carry on enabling his behaviour. I can't let our DS grow up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship. I deserve better.
I am terrified though. Terrified I am too weak to go through with it. Terrified that he will emotionally manipulate me into changing my mind again. I don't even believe in God, but God give me strength to see it through this time so I can build a better life for me and my son.

Well he's blown it now. No, you don't hand him any money - the fucker can whistle for it. Why should he have lived there rent-free?

on your and your DS's behalf.

What a bastard for treating you and DS like that!

Especially DS - you basically know what's coming... - 6 years old, must be so upsetting and confusing for him to have that kind of treatment from his dad.

I am on your behalf.

And what kind of proposal is that?! Come with me to work?! That'll be a barrel of fun for your son.

Stick to your guns! good luck!

By the by, I,m LP, have been for years -DS grown up now pretty much - and there's nothing so calming and peaceful than having an evening by yourself doing exactly what you want when you want and not having some sullen moody bastard sitting across from you on the sofa giving you dagger looks. (had DV too).

Are you keeping notes of his behaviour? It will be very helpful when he has left and tells you what contact he wants (it will almost certainly be the most inconvenient for you that he can think of). Good notes of his behaviour etc will help you a lot when the shit hits the fan.

Good luck. Am I the only person who thinks it's unlikely he's actually going tonight?

So I assume he's a work now then? Is there any way you can pack a bag for him and drop it at his work with a note to NOT come home since he can't make a scene there? Or leave it on your doorstep and text him to pick it up and stay away. After that little scene with your poor son (let alone what he called you) he does NOT need to be back in the house!! Your son is now frightened of him and needs peace and quiet. If you tell him to stay away, will he?

I agree with calling the police and at least logging the incident. Tell them that you are at the beginning of what appears to be a bad breakup. There may be nothing they can do, but at least it starts a paper trail in case he escalates. They may also know whether or not you can legally bar him from the house.

Depending on what your relationship is like with MiL, you may want to talk to her, especially if you are going to have to depend on her for childcare until you get things organized. But only if she will be on your side (or neutral) and only to reassure her that she will still be in her grandson's life. Do not tell her anything that may end up biting you in the bum. Do not discuss the house, money, or future plans. After all, he is her son and her loyalty would probably end up with him. Or at the very least she may let something slip to him in trying to be helpful to you.

Oh, OP. I am a bit worried about you - this man is dangerous. Please don't underestimate the risk he poses to you. Time to get serious. Do NOT give him money - he will just find something else to try and blackmail you with.

If he won't leave, have him removed by the police. Change the locks. Get your address logged with your local police force. Now it is time to protect that boy of yours.

Hugs to you.

I'm now worried about you too, Cardiff. There is no way you can allow this man back into your home at all, ever again. Time for door locking I believe. I would also phone 101 and ask for advice. get yourself noted as being possibly in need of urgent help later. Much as Summerbreezer has said.

What an absolutely appalling turn of behaviour. Don't even think of giving money to this odious man. He can just sod off and sort himself out. Your poor son.

Thank you all for your concern and good wishes. I did debate getting a locksmith in and changing the locks while he was out.
I decided not to, I am at MILs house now with DS and my parents are coming to meet me here shortly. When I do return home I will have my parents with me, so when he does come home from work I won't be alone with him.
I want him to leave tonight. I'm reluctant to involve the police, although I can't articulate quite why.
In all the 8 years we've been together he's never actually been violent towards me, aggressive and destructive of my property but never physically towards me. I'll see what my mum thinks when she gets here.

Thank you all again.

You are so welcome, Cardiff. I'm glad you will have your parents with you later. Don't hesitate to call the police if it becomes necessary. I would go ahead with the locksmith, actually. Even if he leaves, your parents either stay or go home .. there will be a Much Later when he may decide to behave badly.

Anyhow, I wish you luck and hope you will update us so we know that you're safe.

If he won't leave then you will have to call the police and you are fully entitled to.

You are not married and it is your house so he is just some random bloke you are asking to leave your property in the eyes of the law.

I wouldn't bother paying for a solicitor - why should you bear the cost. Tell him if he wants any money he will have to see a solicitor and explain to you why you have any legal obligations to him.

The way he is behaving makes me think he is not going to fulfill any monetary obligations to his child so I would not give him a fucking penny.

And CHANGE THE LOCKS!

He isn't your responsibility. Best of luck.

Have you checked out what tax credits you will be entitled to once he goes? Might make childcare easier?

You really aren't going to want to be relying on him are you?

I understand why you are reluctant to involve the police. Just remember that:

a.) Violence to property is still domestic violence - the aim is to frighten and intimidate you

b.) The most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they leave.

Glad your parents are with you.

Oh and as a lawyer - he is on to a hiding to nothing legally getting the money back. Was he having to pay rent to you whilst living in your property? Didn't think so.

But can you force him to leave once he is physically inside his 'legal' residence? I know I've read horror stories about live-ins that can't be removed because they are considered a 'tenant' & must be legally evicted. He's already shown that he will force his way in where he isn't wanted. I'd call the police (hopefully before he's home) and ask them. If they say they can't do anything unless he becomes violent or abusive, then it would be better to NOT let him enter the home at all. And to change the locks. Don't ask the police about lock-changing (as in you can't lock-change on a legal tenant). If you aren't supposed to you'll be able to plead ignorance.

Aggressive and destructive of your property is one very slippery step away from aggressive and destructive of YOU. Trust me, I've been there! 'He wouldn't hurt me' turned into bruises in the blink of an eye!

It isn't his legal residence unless he is married, on a tenancy agreement or on the deeds of the house.

Otherwise he has the same rights to live in OPs home as I do.

Please call the police and warn them that there may be problems tonight when you tell him to go. You need to ensure your ds is not subjected to any more trauma, and I doubt your parents' presence will help if your h decides to kick off, shout, break things, kick doors etc.

If you won't do it for you, do it for your ds. Let him sleep peacefully tonight after the day he's had.

Thanks hampton for the info. I was reading stories about 'squatter's rights' and 'tenant rights' where people parked themselves in others's homes and it just seemed that UK law said 'Well, if you're IN there, you can STAY there!'. We even had a case here (US) where a nanny refused to move out and the former employers were going to have to formally evict her & we have pretty strong 'home is castle' laws.

Good to know the OP can order him out and he can't do anything to stop her.