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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I deal with his estranged wife?

68 replies

BostonIvy · 01/10/2014 10:21

My partner and I have been together for 3 months, although we've been friendsr for years.

He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ago. Things had been bad throught teh marriage, there was violence on her part throughout the marriage, followed by begging, threats and emotional blackmail.

His wife now texts him around 10 times a day begging and pleading for him to come back, then abusing him, then pleading again. He hasn't told her he is in a relationship as doesn't want to drive her over the edge but I am really struggling with the situation.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 01/10/2014 10:23

He could tell her to stop or he will report her for harassment?

Did he leave her for you?

newbieman1978 · 01/10/2014 10:26

He deals with it by getting a divorce and having no other contact with his ex wife.

Simples!

Very similar situation I found myself in with my now wife. She did the above and everything has been great.

Original poster

BostonIvy · 01/10/2014 10:29

They have a child together and he is terrified if he tells her about me she will make access difficult, which is completely understandable. He doesn't always reply to her and does nothing to encourage her.

He didn't leave her for me.

Sorry, I don't mean to drip feed.

OP posts:

newbieman1978 · 01/10/2014 10:32

Oh dear that changes things somewhat.....forget my above post!

If there is a child involved then sadly he/you are going to have to work towards some sort of amicable relationship.

kaykayblue · 01/10/2014 10:37

I don't understand OP.

You say he didn't leave her for you, but then on your timescales you say that you two have been together for three months, and he left his wife three months ago.

Flyawaylittlebutterfly · 01/10/2014 10:43

Stay out of it. He needs to sort this out himself, he needs to find a way to develop an amicable relationship with his ex and it's going time for them to move to that stage. A new girlfriend barging into the middle of it while everything's still raw will only cause more problems.

You don't know what went on in their relationship and you're only hearing his side about what's going on now. Which may not be very truthful.

If his concern is his kids, he needs to focus on that. Involving you in dealing with his ex or anything to do with his kids is one way to guarantee that she'll do everything she can to keep them away from him and especially you.

springydaffs · 01/10/2014 10:44

RTFT. 2 years 3 months ago he left his wife.

Not much hope for you op if posters don't RTFT so early on.

I predict this will drag on indefinitely. I think this could be called 'baggage' and is at the high end. Ie untenable. Sorry op.

SanityClause · 01/10/2014 10:44

TBH, I would be protecting your own interests, here.

He has just left his wife. He needs to sort out the issues arising from that. When they have both moved on sufficiently from the breakup, he will be in a position to have a relationship with someone else. That might be you.

I'm not saying not to date him, but he comes with too much baggage to start a committed relationship right now.

SanityClause · 01/10/2014 10:45

RTFT indeed.

He left his wife of 2 years, 3 months ago.

OwlCapone · 01/10/2014 10:46

RTFT. 2 years 3 months ago he left his wife.

That's not what the OP says. It says He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ago.

OwlCapone · 01/10/2014 10:48

So, you've been together 3 months and he left his wife 3 months ago and you, and he, think she should be over him by now? Really??

If the timescale is correct, you need to leave the relationship until he has sorted this out and things have settled down

HattyMonkey · 01/10/2014 10:50

He left his wife of 2 years, 3 months ago.

He did leave 3 months ago and they have been in a relationship for 3 months so it was a fair question.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2014 10:53

If you've known him for years, did you ever witness any unreasonable behaviour from his wife when they were together? She may well be an abusive person but it's also possible that he's either a liar, exaggerating her behaviour to make himself look like an innocent victim, or he is, himself, the most appalling passive-aggressive abusive man.

It's not at all uncommon for a woman to start a relationship with a divorced/separated/newly-single man, believe all his stories about what a bitch and a cow his ex is, and then find out that, actually, she had good reason for being angry with the man. Maybe he's seriously unfaithful, maybe he's immensely selfish and lazy, maybe he lies a lot or likes to wind a partner up just so he can look like a saint and a martyr.

I would advise treading carefully, OP. Is this man really worth any hassle?

QuintessentiallyQS · 01/10/2014 10:57

"He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ago. "

So they have only been married 2 years, they have a child. There is domestic abuse involved. You have dated 3 months.

So, he left her for you?
He fled an abusive relationship leaving his baby behind?

You have known him for years, so clearly you know his wife, how did their relationship seem before he jumped ship?

Can you please explain?

SanityClause · 01/10/2014 11:09

Where does it say it was an abusive relationship?

Okay, the OP uses the term "abuse", but from the context, it appears to mean she first sends pleading texts, then angry ones.

(I think the wife needs MN, right now. She needs to be told "detach, detach, detach!)

SanityClause · 01/10/2014 11:10

Oh, sorry, yes, there was apparently "violence on her part". Ignore me!

basgetti · 01/10/2014 11:14

Why has he left his child with a violent woman? And why isn't he focusing on sorting out all the issues that surround leaving a marriage when there is a child involved, before pursuing a new relationship which seems to have begun the second he left her?

springydaffs · 01/10/2014 11:16

Oh!

Far too soon op. FAR too soon. I'm also not convinced of his story about her tbh.

Mammanat222 · 01/10/2014 11:18

"RTFT 2 years 3 months ago he left his wife"

I think you’ll find the OP actually says He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ag

Mammanat222 · 01/10/2014 11:18

*ago

QuintessentiallyQS · 01/10/2014 11:19

I think Springy gets it now. She got the wrong end of a very confusing and slippery stick.

Original poster

BostonIvy · 01/10/2014 11:25

She was violent towards him on occasion, she was verbally abusive. They had a very rocky relationship and this was common knowledgge. She's never been violent towards anyone else.

I have explained that I feel it may be too soon judging by her behaviour but he says I can't let her come between us. He's not prepared to tell her about me because he thinks it's too soon, and it will make her worse, or she will cause problems with access to their son.

OP posts:

IrianofWay · 01/10/2014 11:26

What a cow! FFS! Surely 3 months is enough time to get over her H leaving her for another woman...oops, sorry leaving and then coincidentally getting together with another woman immediately

DrankSangriaInThePark · 01/10/2014 11:27

I think we've all R and Understood TFT now.

And all this information about the terrible violent wife, you have got from him, I presume?

I'd be taking one ginormous bucket sized pinch of salt, and then, I'd be letting him deal with his estranged wife. You stay well, well out of it.

Truth will out.

You might find things are quite as one-sided as you've been led to believe.

IrianofWay · 01/10/2014 11:28

Agreed. Stay out of it and get some salt.

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