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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I deal with his estranged wife?

68 replies

BostonIvy · 01/10/2014 10:21

My partner and I have been together for 3 months, although we've been friendsr for years.

He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ago. Things had been bad throught teh marriage, there was violence on her part throughout the marriage, followed by begging, threats and emotional blackmail.

His wife now texts him around 10 times a day begging and pleading for him to come back, then abusing him, then pleading again. He hasn't told her he is in a relationship as doesn't want to drive her over the edge but I am really struggling with the situation.

OP posts:

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 01/10/2014 11:29

I would back off I'm afraid, he needs to prioritise getting his separation, divorce and access to his child sorted out before bringing another relationship into the mix.

QuintessentiallyQS · 01/10/2014 11:29

And a grip. And possibly an extendable barge pole.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2014 11:31

You do NOT wanna be his rebound.
He may be describing her as unstable and abusive, but maybe he's lying and maybe there are very good reasons for this that you may soon find out???

hellsbellsmelons · 01/10/2014 11:32

Badly worded, sorry.
I did not mean there are ever good reasons for DV.
Hopefully you get the gist though.

wafflyversatile · 01/10/2014 11:36

It's a shame that men (the system?) in abusive relationships don't seem to feel able,or that it is right to leave with the children so we get these situations where the violent/abusive partner has main custody which they will abuse. When abused women leave they tend to take the children with them and the abuser gets limited access.

Could you refer him to www.mankind.org.uk/? And abusive partners do not make good parents. For his child's sake he needs to look into getting custody. Were the violent incidences reported?

Meerka · 01/10/2014 11:37

basgetti the law stands on the side of the women regarding children. It's very difficult to extricate the child(ren) from an abusive woman if she's clever. Sadly.

boston going from one relationship directly into another is asking a lot of himself. It takes time to get over a relationship especially if she was abusive.

Just a question - are you quite sure he doesn't tick the Red Flag list? one checklist here He may be fine but it's worth just taking a glance.

But trust your instincts here. You feel it's too soon and I think you're absolutely right.

Also, there might be good reason for it but he's acting as if your relationship is something to keep hidden. That can only go on for so long, say a year or so. Longer than that and it'll be as if he's ashamed of you. Any woman, any man deserves to be in a relationship where the other half can present them proudly to the world.

It looks odd as it is. From one abusive relationship jumping immediately into another relationship; rather clinging to you ("won't let her come between you") but won't acknowledge you openly. Yes, trust your instincts.

I wouldn't invest too much into him, into the relationship, until he can be fully open. If he senses that, you could tell him that the secrecy is uncomfortable and that until that's resolved, you have to protect yourself. Any decent man will agree with that. if he doesn't, I'd be very, very careful around him. A decent mature man would understand an adult woman's need to look after herself.

SweetErmengarde · 01/10/2014 11:37

So you were not the OW....but your relationship began the instant he left his wife.

His wife is a physically and verbally abusive bitch queen from hell.....but he is happy to leave his very young child in her care.

When you suggest stepping back, he is determined "not to let her come between you".....but refuses to acknowledge your relationship to her (or anyone else?).

I would be questioning pretty much everything he tells you, including how "estranged" he and his wife really are.

AuntieStella · 01/10/2014 11:38

Well, I read this as either OP being economical with the truth (how close friends were they?) or him being a real chancer, asking someone out exactly as he leaves his wife.

Either way, you stand clear, let him sort out the end of his marriage and ensure he lives independently (to sort out his baggage). If he jumps from one relationship to another without pause to reflect and learn from the experience, he may well repeat unhealthy patterns with you.

Foolishlady · 01/10/2014 11:38

Er, if he left his wife 3 months ago and started a relationship with you 3 months ago then he did leave her for you. Going out with someone with kids is hard and it's doubly hard in these circumstances - understandably the ex is going to be a lot more distraught! How is access going with the children?

basgetti · 01/10/2014 11:44

basgetti the law stands on the side of the women regarding children. It's very difficult to extricate the child(ren) from an abusive woman if she's clever. Sadly.

That may be the case, but I wonder how much of the last 3 months he has spent seeking legal advice or speaking to SS if what he is saying about his wife is true. It seems like his priorities have been elsewhere.

GirlInASwirl · 01/10/2014 11:45

Its very soon after his break up and they are probably both still quite emotional about it all. They both have personal processes to go through before agreements are made and things start to settle (best case scenario). There may also be the possibility that it could take years to resolve. I agree with other posters that you only have one side of the story.

Please resist the urge to get in the middle - its something that you will have to ride as part of your current relationship but its more his concern. You could tell him how things impact on you - just so he is aware; but that may or may not change things.

I think break ups are a great opportunity for new partners so see how bfs deal with conflict/resolution in general. After all; its not if he has problems (that's life) its how he sets about resolving them. This he brings to his relationship with you.

WannaBe · 01/10/2014 11:46

two things here.
Firstly if a woman said she had left a violent relationship nobody would be questioning whether that was true. So why is it ok to question it if a man says the same? it isn't.

op says she was not the ow, while it can be understandable to think that if a relationship starts soon after another one ends it is automatically an ow situation, that's not necessarily the case. While it might be self destructive to enter into a relationship so soon after another one ends, it does happen, and op has come here for aupport not to be accused of being the ow/a lier and to have her new partner's claims that his wife was violent called into question. Men are victims of dv too - if anyone did that to a woman on here they would be lynched and rightly so, even if it was a claim made by another party.

Op - you need to ask yourself whether this is really a situation you feel you can stay in. While I feel that your dp may be reluctant to tell his ex about you for now, it's not a situation which is sustainable in the long term, so you need to have a conversation about whether this really is the right time to be in a relationship. As you say you've known him for years, presumably if you put things on hold until his situation with his ex resolves to a more amicable one you could re-assess the relationship in the future? Putting things on hold for now would then also mean you would retain the friendship you currently have, whereas if you continue like this it may destroy everything you've had in the past.

QuintessentiallyQS · 01/10/2014 11:47

Very few women leave abusive relationships without their babies....

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 01/10/2014 11:49

Well, I think you don't deal with his wife at all. He 'deals' with her. Probably best done by being very calm and clear and setting out appropriate terms re child contact, and division of assets, but that's up to him. If he's worried about access he should be working to formalise matters as soon as possible, using court if necessary.

And by the way, I agree with other posters that it sounds like a less than ideal situation for everyone. Including you. Be very careful not to get drawn into his mess.

wafflyversatile · 01/10/2014 11:52

Like abused women on here many abused men convince themselves their abusive partner is a good parent. And the impression given by the system is that women keep the children. And an abusive woman is very likely to reinforce the idea that she will get the kids if they split.

I was looking at a web page giving advice to abused men a few weeks ago and was really annoyed to see it didn't at all suggest that the man should leave with the kids but that they should just leave and can rebuild a relationship with them over time. That a site specifically supporting abused men said this is very discouraging.

dollius · 01/10/2014 11:52

He is NOT your partner, you have only been together for three months. He does not need to tell his wife or anyone for that matter about you, you are merely dating.

You are the OW if he left 3 months ago and you got together 3 months ago.

If she was abusive, why has he left her with their child?

Something doesn't add up here.

dollius · 01/10/2014 11:54

X-post. Well that is interesting, Waffly. So maybe she was abusive but ETF is he doing leaving his wife and immediately launching himself into a new relationship? He should be putting his child first.

Castlemilk · 01/10/2014 11:58

Either way, she's barly even his estranged wife. 12 weeks ago they were together with their child.

I would step right away from this situation and leave him to it.

wafflyversatile · 01/10/2014 11:59

Dunno. Maybe the way we are socialised means that men are less likely to find much emotional support from male friends so get support from a new partner or a female friend who then becomes a new partner? Men generally seem more likely to find a new relationship quicker than women, or not leave until they have someone to go to.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 01/10/2014 12:01

If she is violent/abusive at all, he should be moving to formalise their separation and making moves to formalise access, as pp have said.

If he doesn't do this, I would suggest you take him with a massive pinch of salt, if not the entire salt cellar.

LEMmingaround · 01/10/2014 12:03

This is why grammar is so important.

He left his wife three months ago and coincidentally fell for you three months ago!

He is spinning you a line, at best.

You don't need this shit

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 01/10/2014 12:10

I see only three possibilities:

Wife is abusive and violent. However, since this man has nevertheless left this child with her, he is a shit.

2.Wife is abusive and violent. This man has nevertheless left this child with her, because he is inadequate, chaotic and a bit selfish.

Wife is not abusive. So this man has lied, and he is therefore a shit.

In none of these scenarios is the man actually a catch. Please tread carefully.

Dirtybadger · 01/10/2014 12:11

I first.misread and thought like someone else the relationship finished 2 years ago. 3 months. Different story.

Get out of there.

I think it shows bad judgment on his part and a lack of consideration for his child to have jumped immediately into another relationship. Overlap or not. If she was abusive (he says so, you think so, fine) then support him as a friend (I assume you were friends before?) to get some help so that he can build healthier relationships in future. Don't be the experiment.

If he was posting on here about leaving an abusive marriage and jumping straight in with another woman/man everyone would be telling him to hold steady he was making a mistake and rushing!

He needs to and should focus on himself and his child. Access. Housing. Whatever.

I wouldn't be surprised if he soon realises this and you end up on the wayside anyway (i.e. Are a rebound).

Dirtybadger · 01/10/2014 12:14

Oh and of course you don't deal with her. She's not your wife. 3 months into a relationships I imagine you see each other once or twice a week. I'm surprised he's even told you about the texts. I'm not sure why he wouldn't try and sort it and keep quiet. Seems a little heavy to be telling someone after 3 months.

Fenton · 01/10/2014 12:16

I cannot see why you would agree to a date/relationship with someone who had just left his wife, knowing he had, and knowing how difficult their relationship had been.

Where is he living OP? And how often do you see him?

If there's to be any hope of this working in the long term you really need to cool things off and allow him (and his wife) the time to get their heads around being apart.

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