How do I deal with his estranged wife?

[BostonIvy]

My partner and I have been together for 3 months, although we've been friendsr for years.

He left his wife of 2 years 3 months ago. Things had been bad throught teh marriage, there was violence on her part throughout the marriage, followed by begging, threats and emotional blackmail.

His wife now texts him around 10 times a day begging and pleading for him to come back, then abusing him, then pleading again. He hasn't told her he is in a relationship as doesn't want to drive her over the edge but I am really struggling with the situation.

like it or not, by dating you immediately upon moving out, before even beginning to deal with a divorce or PR questions, he has made you the other woman. Especially if no one knows about you. The minor difference of officially becoming a couple before or after he moved out is really unimportant, especially if you were friends before that. You may be strictly defining your relationship as having gone from friend to partner a day or a week after his move, but knowing you were friendly and available and likely may well have prompted the move.

Even so, the advice is the same as for an abused wife, except he can skip the part of worrying for his safety if she suspects he is leaving and proceed directly to the SHL for DV and PR plans. yes, courts do favour women, and yes, it's a tough fight for a dad to come out unscathed, but that is all the more reason why he has to be pro-active, especially in proving she is violent toward him and is likely to cause mental or emotional harm to the dc, if not physical harm. Because I think he really must go into it with a belief that he should be custodial.

Women can be violent to a partner who is emotionally abusing them. Just saying.

Agree with dollius' 4. - that this isnt adding up. You were friends for a long time, then he left his wife, then coincidentally started a relationship with you almost immediately. Then tells you terrible stories about her. Which were 'common knowledge'.

You're lying to yourself if you think you aren't the OW.

1. Wife is abusive and violent. However, since this man has nevertheless left this child with her, he is a shit.

2.Wife is abusive and violent. This man has nevertheless left this child with her, because he is inadequate, chaotic and a bit selfish.

Many women having left abusive relationships voluntarily share custody with their ex. Do you say the same of them?

Something isn't adding up here, and to be perfectly frank, I think you are much better off getting out of this relationship pronto.

He says that you shouldn't let her "come between you"?

I'm very confused about that to be honest. You shouldn't let his - very recently left - wife get in the way of a brand new relationship that he is keeping secret from her? And of course she would flip out - even the sanest, most rational woman would be very angry to learn that her "DP" who left her for whatever bullshit reason they gave at the time, in reality, started shagging another woman pretty much instantaneously after leaving.

He probably doesn't want her to know because she could divorce him on grounds of adultery!

I also find it very odd that this man's priority has been getting into the pants of a new woman ASAP, rather than - oh I don't know - getting social services involved with his child, pressing for custody from an abusive woman, getting the police involved on harassment charges.

The point is, you don't leave an abusive relationship and immediately embark on a new relationship. 'Tis all wrong.

Some of them, I probably would.

Wife is abusive and violent to her ex, not the kid

Has he moved in with you?

Wife is abusive and violent to her ex, not the kid

Luckily the sort of people who are abusive to their partners usually make great parents who would never be abusive to their children. phew.

"The point is, you don't leave an abusive relationship and immediately embark on a new relationship. 'Tis all wrong."

Not necessarily. I left an abusive marriage, with every intention of enjoying a long time being single.. didnt plan on starting a relationship with someone who I had known as a friend for a few years less than two weeks after leaving my husband, but it happened. That was 5 months ago and I can honestly say I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, after 14 years of being in a draining, often verbal and occasionally physically abusive relationship. Due to circumstances we also started living together almost immediately, and again, its the best thing that could have happened. We are both extremely happy, and know we have done the right thing.

As for the OP, she doesnt need to do any dealing with the wife, she should however advise her partner to see a solicitor, start divorce proceedings and not give the wife any false hope that he will be going back to her. He also needs to speak to the solicitor to sort proper access arrangements too. OP, help him but do not get involved directly.

You were friends with him for years, then 3 months ago he decides to leave his wife and suddenly you two 'get together'?

You're saying there was no relationship of a romantic/sexual nature prior to his decision to leave his wife?

Sounds quite hard to believe TBH.

Were you also 'friends' with his wife?

I think he's wrong. How much worse will it be if she discovers he is seeing you (especially as it was immediately) and he didn't tell her. No good comes of keeping secrets.
Your 'partner' (really? 3 months and he is married to someone else) needs to man up, tell her the truth, get divorce started, get proper legally set visitation and you need to stay out of it. If it bothers you its because he is telling you too much, not sorting it himself and hasn't fully committed to you.

"Things had been bad through the marriage, there was violence on her part throughout the marriage, followed by begging, threats and emotional blackmail."

So he says. But I wouldn't necessarily be buying it.

Of course, all this begging and pleading by text is possibly the reaction of a shocked and deserted wife who had no inkling that he was preparing to leave her. Much more likely.

In any case the answer to your question "How do I deal with his estranged wife?" is that you do not. The only thing which is likely to happen is for a great deal of fanning-of-flames. And more breaking-of-hearts. Maybe even yours.

Sometimes people do have an exit affair or start a new relationship immediately on leaving an abusive one. It's not necessarily a bad thing. A person who is being abused by a partner may find that it's only the positive attention/affection/obvious lust from someone else that provides the strength necessary to leave the abusive situation.

But I would still suggest you back off, OP. Tell him that you will be his friend and support him while he sorts himself (and his child) out, and see what happens later on. If he tantrums at this then, well, you'll have a clearer picture of the sort of man he actually is.

How do I deal with his estranged wife? Simple answer. You don't.

He hasn't even told her he started dating you the instant he left her. Can you imagine her if you decide to deal with her?

He hasn't even told her he is dating you. Are you a little secret just from her for from everybody or anybody who may know her and pass back that little bit of information.

All you can deal with is him and him keeping you this secret.

It's all too much and too soon.

I'd step as far away as possible and let the pair of them sort their own emotional grief out. 3 months is far too soon to be expecting a calm and measured response from both parties.

Agreed basgetti the OP hasn't said anyting about how he's speaking to a solicitor or trying to look after / get access / protect his child.

The OP hasn't posted again ... kind of wondering if she's reading the posts