Can't even think of a thread title - too complicated but really need advice.

[Canshopwillshop]

I will be as brief as possible. Rewind to April 2012, my sister and I lost our lovely dad. Both of us were devastated, especially as we lost our mum 6 years earlier. In the August, my sister found out that her husband of 13 years had been unfaithful to her around the time of dad's death. She admitted that she had played a bit of a part in this as she was having some doubts about their relationship and, though she had not been unfaithful, she had thought about it and had been playing a few 'mind games' with him I.e. going out after work with friends on a Friday and being vague about where she was going/when she would be back, and ignoring his phone calls/ texts when she was out. Sooo - on one of these Fridays, the weak fuckwit goes to their local pub, gets pissed and decides to shag local barmaid!!!

After much heartbreak and angst, sister and BIL agreed to try and save their relationship. Things came to light about lies told by barmaid to husband about my sister. Barmaids sister was actually one of my sister's best friends and barmaid told my BIL that my sister had told hers that she was having an affair with someone.

Tragically, in August last year, my sister died after several months of illness. BIL and I have been supporting each other until yesterday when I found our that he is still seeing the fucking barmaid!!! (thanks Facebook). I am so upset. That bitch made my sisters last year on earth fucking miserable. I don't begrudge BIL happiness or a new relationship but not with her! If I ever see her again I won't be responsible for my actions! BIL doesn't know that I know yet and I don't know what I am going to say to him. I know it's no longer my business what he does with whom but I know my sister would be crushed if she knew that he had ended up with this woman and I can't help feeling crushed on her behalf .

If you are still with me - any advice on how to handle things?

Stop supporting him and tell him why. People who behave despicably really don't deserve to have others worrying about them and how they are coping, and they most certainly don't deserve to happily ride off into the sunset without a backward glance.

Other, more reasonable and sensible heads will probably tell you to keep your dignity intact and say nothing.

You're directing your anger in the wrong direction. The bar maid - although what she did was wrong - does not have a commitment to your sister your BIL does.

He is the reason your "sister's last year on earth fucking miserable". Not the barmaid.

I can't imagine how hard it is but it was your BIL who betrayed your sister. Not the barmaid. She didn't force him to have sex with her. He did it on his own.

It is disrespectful that they are now together but they are adults and it is a free country even though I agree it's a massively shitty thing to do.

Do nothing. You are still grieving and I am so sorry for your losses as it must have been and still will be devastating to lose the people closest to you in such a short space of time.

You cant dictate who your brother in law can have a relationship with, that is his choice. But you can withdraw your friendship and cut ties with him.

Thanks everyone. My 2 nephews are not BIL's children - they are from her previous marriage and in any case , they are grown men now with whom I have a good relationship. I am not going to contact him for a while and just see how things unfold.

No one forced your BIL to be with the barmaid. It could have been anyone. Blame HIM and not her. Even though your sisters part in all this game playing wasn't admirable, it still didn't warrant her husband to do what he did. If he wants to now be with the barmaid, let him. I'm sorry to hear about your sister's death, but he doesn't have any moral obligation to his wife's memory (even though it stinks). Let him live his life as he pleases and forget about him if it hurts you. He couldn't do the right thing in the marriage and it sounds like he can't do the right thing out of the marriage either.

Of all the women in all the world...! Can see why you're fuming. Even when you know that it's out of your control. Your DSis had decided to give her marriage another chance. Perhaps that shocked you. You didn't have any say in the matter back then nor now but you can give BIL a wide berth from now on - you don't need him as a link to DSis.

He can go with whoever he likes. He's a widower. He doesn't have to be faithful to his late wife. He needs sex to remind him he's alive.

Good plan not to contact him. You need to let go. He's not your husband.

The barmaid is not your business. She never made a commitment to your sister or to you.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through, losing your Mum, Dad & Sister all so close to one another is a lot to cope with.

A lot of people can't be on their own, a lot of people will go with anyone when it's offered on a plate. I can totally understand why this feels like you've been kicked while you are down and I know I'd feel the same. I think you should just send him a message, tell him that you know about the barmaid and you think now is a good time for you to each go your own way. it is unreasonable for him to be crying on your shoulder when he's doing this. I hope you have other people who are there for you x

Gosh, thanks Humblepie monster - took a lot of effort to be so fucking sensitive towards the situation!! He obviously went wherever the hell he liked before my sister was even dead - pity he didn't have the balls or imagination to stray further than their local pub! I know he's not my husband (thank God!) but can't you see how this set up might be a teensy bit upsetting for me? He has been part of my family for 25 years so a bit more than just a friend - he is also my children's uncle. On top if all our other losses and in the face of our ever dwindling family, it is all a bit too much!

I'm so sorry OP.

I would be absolutely livid in your place. It is absolutely disrespectful, shitty, awful behaviour from your brother in law.

In your place, I would most likely give him a piece of my mind - tell him I no longer want anything whatsoever to do with a pathetic, snivelling fuck like him, he has proved what an utter cunt he is by besmearing your sister's name both in life AND in death, and you hope he is happy with his ugly, vaccuous bar maid whore.

I'd probably also slap him or spit on him, but I might be a little extreme when it comes to family.

My first thought was "I would destroy the barmaid's entire life and probably castrate him", so at least I've got it to within legal perimeters..

Realistically there's not much you can do. You could express to him how unhappy you are about being left in the dark over his new romance.

The other thing is its on his conscience about seeing the barmaid. It's his life, his choice. Grief does funny things to ppl and you admitted that your sister had been treating him less than nice herself.

I think you should live and let live. Let go of BiL.

Kaykay - you made me smile. That is exactly what I feel like saying and doing!

Could make Xmas and birthdays a bit awkward

I'm tempted to agree with kaykay (whose name my phone autocorrected to 'jacksy'!!) he's being extremely disrespectful to your sisters memory and he is unreasonable to expect your support while he's behaving in such a way. Let's not forget that this woman has lied about your sister and called her morals into question, causing a rift in her marriage. That's quite unforgivable in my book.

I'd be giving him a piece of my mind too.

hello Canshop,

I'm so so sorry for your losses . To experience 3 deaths within close family in such a short period of time - well I cannot imagine it. No wonder you are fuming. Perhaps if this anger wasn't directed at DBIL, it would be directed somewhere else? He is just the perfect candidate as he has been insensitive, hurtful and is not being respectful of your late sister.

Have you thought about whether he has and always did, have real feelings for this barmaid? Perhaps they are in love (sorry if this is hurtful to read).

I do think a few replies on this thread have been needlessly rude and insensitive. The OP has gone through what must be hell...cut her some slack for gods sake.

OP - I do hope you find a way to overcome your anger and can move to the next stage of grieving. I think you should cut ties with DBIL from now. Its not worth the agony.

Kaykay you've made my day!

Maybe he is 'in love' with the skanky lying barmaid, maybe not. What's that to do with anything?

I am so sorry to hear of all your losses in such quick succession. It must be very hard for you, op.

I would make it hellish for them both tbh - I'm sure a way to do that will come to mind fairly quickly. Eg do people know she's been carrying on with a dying woman's husband? People take a dim view of such things. They're both total skanks. I wouldn't hold back iiwy.

OP - There are some times in life when it is better to bite your lip, keep it inside, and take the high road.

This isn't one of them.

The trick is to make sure you get it out of your system in one fell swoop. Once. Just once.

Don't have a massive rant at him, then think of something else a few hours later and text him with "OH AND ANOTHER THING YOU PIECE OF WANK..." because that way a harrassment order lies, and that would probably suck balls.

I can't understand why people are advising the OP to exact some sort of revenge. I'm not sure it would help her in the long run.

Yes, there may be a moment of satisfaction, but at the end of it, she will have still lost her mother, father and sister.

Getting revenge and acting hatefully is not, in my opinion, going to do anyone any good (not least of all you, Canshop). I would be dignified and just never speak to him again. Avoid them both. If they ever ask you about it, then yes, tell them what you think, but I would imagine they both already know.

Canshop - you should try and concentrate on grieving and forget all this horrible bullshit.

Maybe I am taking crap? Who knows what is best for the OP. Just putting it out there.

OP - what would your sister say about it? What way would she want you to act upon the situation?

I think bereavement is a time you can legitimately go mad. No pussyfooting around - which, anyway, is 'head' activity; at a time when the guts, instinct, reign. For good reason imo.

Short of breaking the law, let them have it. Take them down.

Agh - thank you . Actually it is helpful to think about how my sister would want me to deal with it ( though my gut feeling is that she would be on Kaykay's wavelength!). Still not sure how to deal with it but you've all given me food for thought and also confirmed I am right to think he is being a complete bastard!!

Springy - I do feel quite unhinged ... Not sure I can be held responsible for any action I may or may not take.

Argh - you sound like a lovely person

Springydaffs - I do feel quite unhinged and I'm not sure I could be held responsible for any action I may take ... (Sorry Agh - you sound like a lovely person ).

Oops - sorry for double post!