Can't even think of a thread title - too complicated but really need advice.

[Canshopwillshop]

I will be as brief as possible. Rewind to April 2012, my sister and I lost our lovely dad. Both of us were devastated, especially as we lost our mum 6 years earlier. In the August, my sister found out that her husband of 13 years had been unfaithful to her around the time of dad's death. She admitted that she had played a bit of a part in this as she was having some doubts about their relationship and, though she had not been unfaithful, she had thought about it and had been playing a few 'mind games' with him I.e. going out after work with friends on a Friday and being vague about where she was going/when she would be back, and ignoring his phone calls/ texts when she was out. Sooo - on one of these Fridays, the weak fuckwit goes to their local pub, gets pissed and decides to shag local barmaid!!!

After much heartbreak and angst, sister and BIL agreed to try and save their relationship. Things came to light about lies told by barmaid to husband about my sister. Barmaids sister was actually one of my sister's best friends and barmaid told my BIL that my sister had told hers that she was having an affair with someone.

Tragically, in August last year, my sister died after several months of illness. BIL and I have been supporting each other until yesterday when I found our that he is still seeing the fucking barmaid!!! (thanks Facebook). I am so upset. That bitch made my sisters last year on earth fucking miserable. I don't begrudge BIL happiness or a new relationship but not with her! If I ever see her again I won't be responsible for my actions! BIL doesn't know that I know yet and I don't know what I am going to say to him. I know it's no longer my business what he does with whom but I know my sister would be crushed if she knew that he had ended up with this woman and I can't help feeling crushed on her behalf .

If you are still with me - any advice on how to handle things?

ArghtoAHHH - I can see that you genuinely have the OP's interests at heart, so this isn't trying to get into a fight with you. But I do have to take you up on your comment upthread about "I am positive this would not be what your sister would've wanted."

I don't see where you get off making statements like that when you have literally no knowledge WHATSOEVER about the person in question. It is an extremely irresponsible thing to say, and seems to be designed to guilt trip the OP into taking the approach that YOU consider most appropriate.

The OP might find it helpful to think about what her sister would want - and obviously a large part of that would almost certainly be to be happy, and grieve at the pain she is going through. But aside from that ONLY the OP can make definitive statements about "what her sister would have wanted".

It beggars belief, it truly does.

As I said - I'm not saying that you did this maliciously, or that you are deliberately trying to manipulate the OP. All I'm saying is that those words ARE manipulative.

I can see that you take umbrage at many people's posts on here. Which is your prerogative. NO-ONE is advising the OP to break the law. NO-ONE is advising that she harass or assault anyone.

What people are saying is that there are two approaches - one is to keep it all in and try and resolve through alternative ways, and the other is to vent and let it out. NEITHER of these is "wrong". The only "wrong" approach is one that the OP feels pressured into - and that goes for either direction.

The sister pretending she was up to no good was asking for trouble. I am sorry for your loss, but that sort of behaviour made many a insecure person paranoid and act out accordingly.

Update - I have still not spoken to BIL but I have decided that I cannot let this woman signal the end of our relationship. The major reason for this is that he and I were the closest people to my sister. He was with her for over 25 years and brought her 2 children up as his own. After all the losses I have suffered, I can't afford to lose this shared history between us - he is a link to the memories of my sister. He is also my children's uncle and I don't want them to suffer.

When I do speak to him it will be along the lines that he is a free agent to do whatever he wants. Obviously I wish he had chosen someone different but as long as I don't have to see her or socialise with her then its up to him.

I am so glad I posted as I have found this thread hugely helpful in reaching my decision (and realising that I do indeed need some counselling). Thank you all .

Kaykay - you say you don't want to get into a fight with me, and follow up with a confrontational "I don't see where you get off" and "it beggars belief"?

If I am manipulating OP to stay calm and composed, then you are doing the exact opposite, and I quote:

I'd probably also slap him or spit on him, but I might be a little extreme when it comes to family.

My first thought was "I would destroy the barmaid's entire life and probably castrate him", so at least I've got it to within legal perimeters..

OP - There are some times in life when it is better to bite your lip, keep it inside, and take the high road.

This isn't one of them.

The trick is to make sure you get it out of your system in one fell swoop. Once. Just once.

Don't have a massive rant at him, then think of something else a few hours later and text him with "OH AND ANOTHER THING YOU PIECE OF WANK..." because that way a harrassment order lies, and that would probably suck balls.

If I am trying to manipulate OP, then so are you, and so is everyone on this thread, or any thread ever. The only difference being that you would rather she be confrontational and violent, and I would rather she deal with it calmly and with dignity. Ultimately its up to the OP.

I said I didn't think OP's sister would want her getting into trouble, and I stand by that. Why would she? Unless her sister was a horrible person, who wants to see the OP suffer even more?

I'm not trying to "manipulate" the OP - don't be ridiculous. I would like to see her get over her anger in a constructive way that is not going to cause more agony.

Canshop - sincere apologies that the thread has stooped so low. As I asked in my last post - are you OK? I am genuinely concerned for you, in a way I never really have been for a poster on MN.

Canshop - you have dealt with this brilliantly.

Hi OP, I think you are right to continue to try and build a relatonship with your BIL, but it is still very very early days and you are still grieving and raw. The thing with the barmaid, I can't see it lasting tbh. I get why you are angry with her but it would be best for your own sanity to try and ignore this element if you can unless you feel in some way it is harmful to your BIL who may feel vulnerable because of this grief to? Even then, it is difficult to intervene. I lost my brother 15 years ago and still love to see his friends and people who have their own special memories of him It keeps there memory alive and helps you deal with their loss. Grief is a long and lonely road and you have dealt with many losses in a very short space of time. I think your BIL will continue to be very important to you in your future.

Let humble bridge dwell

oh, no, I'd visit you there but I would never stay. I wouldn't feel at home.

Humble - just fuck off. You have nothing meaningful to contribute to this thread.

I return your good wishes. You can bully as much as you want.

Why goad humble? I find your posts...and. . you.. distasteful.

Quitelikely Wed 10-Sep-14 14:06:02
Have only read first few of your comments on the other page.

Your title suggests your married and thinking of having an affair.

If you do then it's likely to end badly. If you marriage was so bad you would end it. Plenty of other folk manage to

Copy and paste of Quite Likelys advice from a thread of mine.

Shes put completely different advice on this thread when it comes to a man cheating though and blamed his wife.

I cheated after being in a sexless marriage for a long time and on my thread she also blamed me......the woman Misogyny 101.

Sorry you are going through this OP I dont think revenge would make you feel any better though.

Darkesteyes you put into one sentence what I have been trying to say in my last few posts!

Not sure I get your other post about quite likely though?

Quitelikely Wed 01-Oct-14 09:54:22
Realistically there's not much you can do. You could express to him how unhappy you are about being left in the dark over his new romance.

The other thing is its on his conscience about seeing the barmaid. It's his life, his choice. Grief does funny things to ppl and you admitted that your sister had been treating him less than nice herself.

I think you should live and let live. Let go of BiL.

I just don't know what is happening on this thread. We're in relationships ffs.
Good goblin/bad goblin SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I've never seen anything like it, for no rhyme or reason its been besieged by wierdos.

Springy - firstly, thank you for all your comments - we are clearly on a similar journey. I agree that there are some weirdos on here but mainly lovely, well-meaning folk, Humble being a notable exception - just sorry I rose to the bait on that one. I am not a self-pitying person but talk about kicking someone when they are down and then being called a bully! Can't quite get my head around that one but I shouldn't have risen to the bait I suppose. Certainly not going to waste any more time or energy fretting about that though.

As I said, canshop, you are too kind. I don't think all is as it appears.

Anyway, that's by the by (however you spell that), as you say. I can understand you needing BIL in your life for now, at least. I hope he respects your feelings and ditches the tart before too long you are a comfort to one another xx

I find it odd you call the guy a weak fuckwit for having a ons when his then wife was trying to make him think she was having an affair. I pity the guy.

Who he is with now is entirely his business. Leave him be.

She never made a commitment to your sister or to you.
I disagree with this sentiment 100%. Any woman or man who knowingly jeopardises someone else's marriage is morally bankrupt. OP, the barmaid is a skank. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm so sorry it's been compounded in this way.