Can't even think of a thread title - too complicated but really need advice.

[Canshopwillshop]

I will be as brief as possible. Rewind to April 2012, my sister and I lost our lovely dad. Both of us were devastated, especially as we lost our mum 6 years earlier. In the August, my sister found out that her husband of 13 years had been unfaithful to her around the time of dad's death. She admitted that she had played a bit of a part in this as she was having some doubts about their relationship and, though she had not been unfaithful, she had thought about it and had been playing a few 'mind games' with him I.e. going out after work with friends on a Friday and being vague about where she was going/when she would be back, and ignoring his phone calls/ texts when she was out. Sooo - on one of these Fridays, the weak fuckwit goes to their local pub, gets pissed and decides to shag local barmaid!!!

After much heartbreak and angst, sister and BIL agreed to try and save their relationship. Things came to light about lies told by barmaid to husband about my sister. Barmaids sister was actually one of my sister's best friends and barmaid told my BIL that my sister had told hers that she was having an affair with someone.

Tragically, in August last year, my sister died after several months of illness. BIL and I have been supporting each other until yesterday when I found our that he is still seeing the fucking barmaid!!! (thanks Facebook). I am so upset. That bitch made my sisters last year on earth fucking miserable. I don't begrudge BIL happiness or a new relationship but not with her! If I ever see her again I won't be responsible for my actions! BIL doesn't know that I know yet and I don't know what I am going to say to him. I know it's no longer my business what he does with whom but I know my sister would be crushed if she knew that he had ended up with this woman and I can't help feeling crushed on her behalf .

If you are still with me - any advice on how to handle things?

Just try and make sure you don't get yourself into trouble. I am positive this would not be what your sister would've wanted.

DBIL., the barmaid, and everyone else knows exactly what has happened. Everyone will, no doubt, have the same opinion on the situation as you. DBIL and barmaid have to live with it, knowing what they have done.

I totally get your anger. I would want to brain the two of them too. I really feel for you. All that pent up anger must be really debilitating. Is there any other way of letting it out? May sound like a pathetic suggestion, but exercise might be good for you. Running is said to be a good way to clear your head (I wouldn't know ) or maybe even a boxing class of something? Imagine the punchbag to be his and her face.

Or maybe bereavement counciling?

good luck in whatever you decide to do or not do

Agh - very sensible advice. I definitely need to get back into exercising, I used to do a lot. I am also looking at getting some bereavement counselling. Never gone for it before but I think this is way beyond what I can expect my friends to help me work through.

Oh god. If it were me, that barmaid would be rotating gently on the fattest beer tap by now so I'm maybe not the best to advise.

I'm really sorry about your losses :(

Gosh, thanks Humblepie monster - took a lot of effort to be so fucking sensitive towards the situation

No, actually, you're wrong. I merely stated the facts. If you want me to be annoyed because a bereaved husband is having sex with a woman he was already/had already been in a relationship with, you're being unreasonable.

Humble, I am guessing, from your posts, that you have been through something similar? Perhaps you were that grieving widow? If so, I can understand why you would have that point of view. If not, then I am appalled at your lack of compassion and empathy for the op.

Actually, even if you have had a similar experience, nothing can account for your rudeness and insensitivity towards someone who has done nothing wrong. The op is going through an awful time, she doesn't need snippy remarks off some stranger on the Internet.

If you are 'appalled' by me in any way, let me reassure you that it makes not one jot of difference to my point of view or to my life.

Good for you, humble. Good for you.

Not so humble but plenty of monster...

does that mean that you take after the latter part of your name, frog?

You have had a very bad day monster. ?
Don't worry we all get them. Have some and a

please proffer your head for patting, frog...

SO not about us, people! Give it a bloody break!

I know, I apologise to canshop, I shouldn't have bitten but it just riled me. Sorry

I hope you're okay, op

Yep op sorry from me too. Should never have bitten. Was riled too!

Let humble bridge dwell.

I'm so sorry can't I know I couldn't hold my tongue so kudos for being so restrained.

It would be different if this was a new woman he'd met after your sister died but it is the same one he cheated on her with. How he could do that to her memory I have no idea.

Keep your distance and if he asks why tell him and walk away--you no longer have any need to keep in contact with him.

So sorry for your loss :(

Monster - yes, anyone can state the facts but most decent human beings also display empathy and understanding towards each other (yes, even those they don't know!). I can only guess that you have been robbed of those qualities and for that, I feel deeply sorry for you.

Everyone else (particularly the lovely Argh) - thank you.

I'm lying in bed trying to sleep but can't until I post this.

It usually takes a lot to rile me but this thread has.

I wouldn't usually post on a thread like this, as I haven't yet experienced the death of a loved one and I never feel qualified to comment.

But after I read the op and the following comments I couldn't believe my eyes.

Here was a grieving woman, obviously very angry and upset. People came on and goaded her. Someone came on to comment about a previous post making her day, with a big smiley face no less. On a thread about 3 deaths and someone asking for help.

Posters have been unsympathetic and almost jokey about the situation in the main. not talking about everyone, but it's the feeling I get from the thread. There have been people encouraging op to get herself in trouble. Not in the op best interest, I believe.

and then downright nasty comments too.

talk about kicking someone when they're down.

I've never despaired about a thread before. Never taken anything seriously enough.

But this is ridiculous and it's actually upsetting to read. I hope I'm not the only one to feel this, if I am, I'm going mad, and I apologise to everyone in advance.

Canshop, keep posting. Sorry if I've derailed the thread but I had to say something. Have you decided what you are going to do?

Argh - I am so touched by your concern. Thank you but sorry you were losing sleep over this.

Just to update you I have sent BIL a message (can't talk to him yet) just saying that I wish he had told me himself about the relationship instead of me finding out via Facebook. I have told him that I don't know what to say to him but I think he is well aware of how I feel about this woman. I am leaving it at that for now - at least he knows that I know and I hope that it is making him feel uncomfortable. Very tame I know but I am just biding my time.

One of my cousins had 'liked' the incriminating photo on FB so I also messaged him last night to put him in the picture. I don't want him thinking how lovely it is to see BIL in brand new lovely relationship when the details behind it are rather more sordid!

I have also emailed a bereavement counsellor to ask for an appointment.

canshop well done on all three counts. I hope you get to see a BC before too long. I don't know how you are coping without this crap from your BIL. Stay strong - or fall apart on a good friend

Yes, you've done really well. You've kept your composure, it must have been massively difficult.

Sorry for the rant last night

fall apart on a good friend

Or on here smelling salts withstanding

We're all different, and it's important you know you have a choice - from a huge breadth. Bereavement is, can be, raw in tooth and claw; add to that heinous betrayal [tautology!], which also excites animal rage, you'd do well to explore all that, all your choices: we can do any of them, it is our choice. We may then choose a more refined approach - most do, which is only healthy if it really is our choice, not an inhibited choice in response to the flutterings of the uninitiated. An anonymous forum like MN is a good place to explore all that eg in the company if those who know what it's like, are not fazed by it; as well as voices of reason, flavour etc.

Ime of bereavement(s), we didn't recline on our beds, curtains drawn, solemn. Yy there was a fair bit of that but there was also a lot of laughter, watching the telly, cooking supper: life carried on - from the outside you wouldn't have known we were grappling with the meteor strike of bereavement. That was unsettling for some - some were even offended by it (as if it had anything to do with them tbh). But they had no idea of the reality of bereavement, how vicious and unseemly it can be; how important it is to have the space to let that roll through.

Thanks springydaffs - I am so sorry that you have also experienced bereavement. I have some very good friends to fall apart on but none of them truly understand what I am going through and i have fallen apart so often that I worry our friendship wont survive. Thats why I have finally decided on counselling and I have just arranged the appointment for next Thursday.

I think I am quite good at compartmentalising things and only letting the scary shit out when I have the space and time to do so. I find myself screaming at the top of my voice when driving alone - sometimes I don't even know its coming - I just start to let myself think about stuff and it comes flooding out before I then put the lid back on and carry on with my normal day. I have accepted (I think) the loss of my mum and dad but I just cannot accept my sister - she was my only sibling and my best friend. Losing parents is the natural order of things but I thought my sister and I would grow old together . I didn't see her every day or even every week because we lived about 45 minutes drive away but we spoke often on the phone and caught up as regularly as we could. I kid myself that she is still around carrying on her life - going to work, going out, going on holiday and then the fresh realisation hits me like a train.

Sorry, I am waffling now but feel better for writing it down.

I really am appreciating the support I am getting. Thank you.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, but try to do so gently, as you are so upset.
Firstly, do you know if BIL is 'still' seeing her? As in they continued their relationship since the affair. Because, if they have just renewed things, I think that is different. Secondly, there is a good chance that the barmaid believed what she was saying to your BIL. I'm not saying that your sister did have an affair, but this lady may have been told that she was. Things were obviously very rocky in your Dsis relationship at the time and your BIL could well have believed what he was then told.

I hope the counselling helps you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh lovely, soooo painful. 'Painful' doesn't even sum it up - vicious? Savage? Inhuman?

A huge part of my anger is against the immense agony - how can it be fair? 'Fair' , also, is a stupid concept. But who said grief is rational. I just do boil with rage that I am subjected to it -- ON TOP OF - FFS! - the agony of the loss. How is one single human bod supposed to bear it ffs.

I'm glad to hear you're letting it out re howling in the car. Got to. I also think its par for the course to compartmentalise - again, got to. I kid myself about a whole host of things. Got to. Too much to take.

I was goung to say your post made me cry - but you seem a nice sort, a good egg, kindly. I am not as nice eg i can't be thinking about, looking after, those who are upset by my loss. Don't you, eh. You've enough to be going on with. Time to be selfish. You can't be carrying, smoothing over, others' distress at your loss.

I'm sounding prescriptive here - sorry, do what you like! What's right for me may not be right for you.

I'm so sorry you have lost your beloved sister. Not fair! NOT FAIR.

How are you, OP?