Mortified. It MUST have been him that downloaded swingers app!

[Seishan]

Yesterday I'm flicking through the iPad and notice an app on there called chance mingle. I clicked on it and it is as dodgy as it sounds, it's a swingers app. So my immediate thought is "dp wouldn't be stupid enough to download such a thing and leave it there!! Naughty ds has been messing on the iPad!". I went down to DP and told him what "ds had done". He reacted in a dry, weak voice saying " you're joking ... " and in hindsight, it was the voice of a man thinking "shit!".
Now, I didn't really think much of it ... But I've just been laid awake and it suddenly came to me "hang on, you need the password to download apps ... Ds doesn't know the password. I have trouble putting it in right half the time ... Does this mean it MUST have been DP?? I've looked on it and it seems to be set to our home city but I can't log in, no username or password has been saved.

Now for a bit of background info ... 3 years ago dp was found out on casual sex sites and chat sites. He swears he never intended to actually do anything and wouldn't do it again. 3 years later I find this. He knows I know all his email addresses etc so if he is re-registering on such sites he's using a new, secret email address and bring extremely careful with computer/phone history as I've checked all that out.

Is there any way he DIDNT download the app?? Only us two know the App Store password but to leave it on there for me to find??

Op I can't get past the fact you caught him on dating sites 3 years ago and STILL stuck with him.
Why didn't you leave right back then? He had full intentions of cheating and how do you know he hasn't? I'm sorry but you knew what he was about, it's not surprising.

Are you seriously still residing with this twunt tonight....

Eeeeuuuuuuu

What's happening OP ? Hope you are ok . Know that I would have to confront him and resolve the matter . He will have compartmentalised his extra curricular and probably won't see how it would impact you . He will say it's meaningless blah blah and he will mess with your head if you let him. He will also blame you so be ready to deal with all this nonsense . You need to tell him to go for any hope of sanity ! He really does think he is attractive to teenagers . Midlife crisis or whatever excuse . I know it's hard to believe and you will still be in shock.

You're focusing on a mouse when there's a fucking big elephant in the corner.

You don't need any more details than you already have. You don't need to listen to his pathetic " it was just for a laugh" / "I was curious" / "my mates must have done it" bullshit excuses for why those apps have appeared.

Supportive, respectful partners don't act like this. At best he's a wannabe cheater who sends dick photos to strangers and teenagers. At worst he's a cheater who times the sending of his dick photos to maximise the chances of screwing up your university success. Do either of those men sound like someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?

Get your ducks in a row and get out. Why prolong the inevitable - you're not going to find anything that paints him in a better light, are you?

What an absolute sleaze of a man, you know he's never stopped since last time you caught him out, probably because there was never a real consequence.

Instead of pulling out more dirty details concentrate on moving on with your life now, he has and is still showing you what he is about and it aint about loving you for the rest of your life, sorry, don't mean to sound harsh but you have all the proof you need that this man is not committed in the slightest to you our a future with you.

Please, Seishan, you need to emotionally detach from this pond scum. Then you will be able to scrape him off and out of your life.
You already have enough information, enough proof, enough reason, enough justification to end this sham of a "relationship".

"Having a bit of fun with him" by signing up on these websites yourself to trap him will not answer anything. You want schadenfreude, you want revenge, and at his expense...It is great in a fantasy, but in reality: this makes you just as low as he is. That is what he is doing to you, and that's why you need to just get away from him.

Also, keep in mind the staying power of what you do on line (can we really trust anonymity claims:at your own risk!)...these activities may come back to you at a later date in wrecking job interviews/opportunities.

Have some self respect. Have some dignity. He is doing this. He is not going to stop. He is not sorry. Stop caring about him, he doesn't deserve your care. He wore your care out. Enough is enough.
And get the STI check, pronto.

I'm amazed this is even being debated. So guilty.

I confronted him. He denied it totally. When I put it to him that there was no other possible explanation as to how these apps appeared a) on the iPad and b) in purchase history and then deleted themselves(!!) he said "ok but I don't remember doing it".

I put it yo him that these apps were only downloaded a few days ago and
A) you don't "forget" downloading certain apps, especially not those types and b) certainly not just days later he decided that if he had downloaded them, he was obviously very drunk or it was accidental (clicked accidentally off a porn site he suggested). Obviously it's all a bit "bullshit central" and I really can't be arsed with him anymore.

Take my word for it that I can't just leave now though. Instead, any advice on how to start emotionally detaching?

Ah he was drunk or....'oops' pressed the wrong box....when he was wanking over his 'regular' porn maybe....poor Lamb

I couldn't even stand such a conversation at this stage. How degrading.

You want to emotionally detach....

Get yourself checked for std's....
Your dp has been using contact sites for sex....and goodness knows what else....

Does that detach you slightly??..

Why can't you just leave now?
Would you be able to if it was texts to another woman he was trying to shag?
How is this so different? These are apps to other women he is trying to shag, or has.

God he really doesn't like you much does he OP?

So drunk he 'accidentally' pulled his wallet out of his pocket, found a bank cases, input all the details correctly and then clicked on the verification email or screen? Gosh. He thinks you are completely stupid or so hung up on him that it doesn't matter. Or both.

Sorry, bank card not cases. Although that sort of proves my point that it is hard to type on a phone and get the right info in the right place when sober!

The only real way to emotionally detach is not care about him any more along with totally removing him from your life. No obstacle is insurmountable (why can't you just leave now though?) and he is a really poor role model for your child too. This young person knows all too well what is happening at home.

Ok, I'll take your word you can't leave right now

You don't share a bed, you don't eat together, you do none of his laundry, shopping chores etc

Get an sti test and make him have one

Detach your life from him as much as is possible to do whilst still under the same roof. In the meantime, you get legal advice as to how to protect yourself and dc in the event of a split

When both of you realise what a miserable existence that is, one of two things will happen . Either of you will find a way to leave. Or you will sweep it under the carpet and he gets to carry on as normal. Decide now which you prefer.

Why should you leave? He should. He's bloody dangerous especially with children in the house. One day your child come across this nonsense. He's obviously some kind of immature idiot who gets his self esteem bolstered by sending pictures of his dick. He probably is on his way to a serious crime? Get rid of this disgusting individual . He won't stop. He leads a double life which is more important to him than you . He is sick and needs help but not from you .

Do you really and honestly think he hasn't met up with women ? Of course he has and for years . Believe me.

By the way how can you ever know all email addresses of someone ?

Sleep in separate rooms for a start, do not do any household/domestic chores for him. Live like he is a lodger in the house, business-like.
It will be emotional hell keeping that up though!
Why can't you just leave/kick him out? He will be OK, they always are.

I signed up and it's full of teenagers. Why the fuck would a 43 year old man download such a thing?

I think the answer's in the question, OP . Can only echo other posters who are telling you to protect yourself, protect your assets and protect your children with a view to GingTFO as soon as is humanly possible. This man doesn't respect you at all, and he's putting you at risk with his disgusting behaviour.

I signed up and it's full of teenagers. Why the fuck would a 43 year old man download such a thing?

I think the answer's in the question, OP . Can only echo other posters who are telling you to protect yourself, protect your assets and protect your children with a view to GingTFO as soon as is humanly possible. This man doesn't respect you at all, and he's putting you at risk with his disgusting behaviour.

OMG of course you can leave, a friend's couch would do, in fact I'd sleep in a shed.

Looks like he will sweet talk you again, pleading ignorance, drunkenness, either way, he's disgusting and why you want to even know the gory details, which he will never reveal, is beyond me.

Good luck, try thinking about yourself now and why you deserve so much more than this sleaze ball.

I am sorry you are going through this, Seishan.
The holy grail of detachment is complete indifference. Think of it as an absence of any connection. The mountain to climb here is getting past the anger and hatred. Anger and hate are a connection. Do not spend any emotional energy on him.

You may need to communicate with him. As said above, do it in a business-like manner as a point of administration. Casual chit chat is a no go. Do not depend on him for anything and do not let him depend on you for anything. Do not share anything with him and do not accept anything from him.

"Whatever", as irritating as it is, may be your new favorite word. That is being dismissive but is an excellent way to brush him off.

With all certainty though, please do not ever have sex with him again for ANY reason. Have you made your appointment for your STI lab work yet? Do not delay, do not think STI s couldn't happen to you, do not risk your future health by not tending to this. It is important for you to get tested; there is no one here that can do it for you. Please come back and tell us you made (and will keep) the appointment.

I don't mean to sound heartless but it sounds like he's a bit of a dick anyway.

IF he was making your life amazing I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt... heck, I once signed up to a marry a millionaire website when I'd had a few (and I put in a credit card number) after a bit of a tiff with ex. Never once thought of following through with it after that, but got tonnes of messages for years. All I'm saying is, please don't underestimate the power of fantasy to make yourself feel better after a riff, or throw anything away because your other half did something idiotic. (And not necessarily physical).

But if you're not happy and you don't trust him- what are you doing? And you think if he's not cheating he wants to make you drop out of university? That in itself sounds so ultra-wrong I'm very concerned.

Someone who is supposed to love you would not make you feel like sh*t so you would stop doing something that makes you happy....

The really worrying thing is it sounds like you wanted to find an excuse for his behaviour (and that i get, been there- no judgements I bloody swear).
I don't think you'll find an excuse for it from us though.

Either chose to forgive and ignore, or leave, but in the meantime my advice is to download a big swinging dong app with loads of huge penises on and make HIM feel a bit insecure.

And blame it on the cat... see how he feels after a lame excuse lol.

Well, I think I solved your problems by talking you to death...!

I hope things get better for you xx

god I'm so sorry I had a couple of windows open and posted this in the wrong place and I have no idea how to delete it. please ignore.xxx