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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boundaries - new guy

98 replies

Nothappening · 26/09/2014 08:40

I am not comfortable with this - what do you think?

I have been chatting to a guy (younger than me) online and he has been bombarding me with messages, telling me how wonderful I am, etc.

In a week, things have progressed from discussing when to meet up for a coffee to him coming to my place in a taxi, never having met before, and staying the night. He has been pushing me for this saying how well we would get on, what he's going to do to me in graphic detail, how exciting it would be...

I have told him over and over I won't do this and was expecting to meet up with him a few times first. He says he is not available, even for a quick drink, until the night in question.

Now it turns out my dc will be at home after all and I have a babysitter arranged. I suggested meeting up, having a few drinks on the town, see how it goes. At first he said, great, whatever you want. Then he said we will get a hotel room. I said I have to get back home. Then he suggested finding somewhere secluded! Now he is pushing to meet up in a pub close to my home then wants me to sneak him in my house, spend the night together, and then he gets an early taxi home. He is saying things like, 'I want you this weekend.'

My point is, I have never met the guy, how do I know I will remotely be attracted to him? Why won't he accept I just want to meet up first? He is doing a very good persuasive job on me, flattery, etc, but when I step away I know it's not right. And even if I am overwhelmingly attracted to him, I am not going to bring him to my home on the first night with my dc in bed, am I?

I need to cancel, don't I?

OP posts:

LineRunner · 26/09/2014 09:23

Ok, fair enough. Then maybe your issue is not being able to link stuff you know is wrong with an appropriate response?

rainbowinmyroom · 26/09/2014 09:24

If you are this easily manipulated then online dating is not for you.

Original poster

Nothappening · 26/09/2014 09:26

He hasn't just said, let's meet for sex. He has told me I'm beautiful (I'm not!), we have such a connection, etc. Bed this weekend, cinema next, full-on relationship, luring me in. I can't help thinking about how many others might have fallen for it.

OP posts:

rainbowinmyroom · 26/09/2014 09:26

Ditto if you find yourself unable to tell cretins like this anything other than fuck off.

rainbowinmyroom · 26/09/2014 09:27

He has just told you, over and over, 'I want to shag you and I won't take no for an answer.' Why on Earth even waste time with this reject?

notthatshesaid · 26/09/2014 09:28

This happens a fair bit on online dating. In my much younger days I met up with a couple of men like this, very stupid of me, but I just thought they were a bit over enthusiastic. Honestly, it is the most awkward thing. Suddenly they're a real human being in front of you, you might have zero chemistry, they can be very pushy....all sorts of scenarios are possible. A great rule of online dating is don't meet anyone who tries to sext with you/plan sex before you've even met. It's very disrespectful behaviour, especially of you are telling them to back off and they manage that for all of 5 minutes.

wfielder · 26/09/2014 09:29

He needs arresting, not dating.

rainbowinmyroom · 26/09/2014 09:30

You would have to be completely thick to fall for it.

ChasedByBees · 26/09/2014 09:30

He sounds like a rapist. Block him OP. He's bad news.

GoldfishCrackers · 26/09/2014 09:34

He doesn't care what you want. He doesn't care what you say. Sounds like he'd be shit in bed and shit as a partner. He actually sounds dangerous. Block and delete.

Jayne35 · 26/09/2014 09:38

Do cancel and block OP. There are sites for sex hook up's but the problem is that some men treat all online dating sites as such and they aren't!

Maybe if you report him his account will be deleted.

Arcadia · 26/09/2014 09:40

I know. And she had consensual sex with him previously. It was horrible, we had all warned her that his behaviour was really inappropriate and strange but she hadn't dated much before so was naive. It scares me that he is still 'out there'. She didn't feel able to report him because of the circumstances (which I don't feel able to go into here obviously).
End this now OP. Don't be flattered by him, this is grooming behaviour.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 26/09/2014 09:40

I think you should report this to the dating website.
Consider what does he know about you? Real name? Phone numbers? Email? Location?Address? Any personal info on your profile, such as a recent photo ?

You cannot ever agree to have him visit your home as in his head that is agreeing to sex. Stop contact and if he doesn't take the hint, file a report with the police.

zippey · 26/09/2014 09:47

He is married and wants you for a one night stand - maybe a no strings attached affair.

You can tell he is married because:

he is only available on a certain date(s) - maybe his wife is away then?
He only wants to meet at yours or in a hotel. He doesn't want to meet at his where there will be evidence of other people living there.
He doesn't want to meet on other nights even for a quick drink - because his wife will get suspicious as to what he is doing.

NickiFury · 26/09/2014 09:48

Oh those loads of these losers about, sadly. There's only one thing you need to know about him; he watches a TON of porn. He sees on line dating as an ever revolving buffet which he can dip into whenever he feels the need. Personally I find the immediate mention of sex with some random deeply unattractive and tend to never, ever speak to them again. If I feel like it I might send a message telling them how ridiculous they're being but usually I never speak to them again.

It's not just Online dating though I have mainly had these kinds of messages from MARRIED men on FB that I have known for years and they've found me on FB . I'm single and obviously fair game for men who are a bit bored with being married. Of the ones I told off, only one has ever had the grace to apologise. The others became aggressive and unpleasant, usually after I asked them what their wife would think if I forwarded their messages to her.

zippey · 26/09/2014 09:52

I should say married or has a partner, sorry.

If you are both after the same thing, whether its sex or a relationship, then that's fine. But this person wants to have sex with you on the first date. He has told you, so believe him when he tells you. He isn't even being subtle about it.

Then its up to you to decide if you want the same thing.

Vivacia · 26/09/2014 09:53

OP it sounds as though you want things such as a trip to the cinema and, longer term, a relationship. Therefore, that's the bottom line. You do not compromise and you do not agree to sex. This man has told you what you want to hear in order to get you to have sex.

Why you'd consider letting him in to your child's home I do not know.

I wish you'd answer this,
What personal details does he know about you? Real name? Telephone number? Address?

CarryOnDancing · 26/09/2014 09:55

He's not even saying he wants sex with you because he like you (how could he, he's never met you!), he's just trying to persuade you to lend him your vagina. You could clearly be anyone to him.

His attempts would actually be amusing if he wasn't actually out there trying this crap with everyone.

I bet he just has a list of cut and paste messages/responses.

You need to think very seriously about this-there should not be a single thing that a man could say that would let him into your house with your children on first meeting him. Seriously, how were you even considering this for a second?!!!

He's a creep, how is that remotely attractive to you? Please be safe.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/09/2014 10:04

He has told me I'm beautiful (I'm not!)
OK - Stop that nonsense right now!

You KNOW this is very wrong and you should definitely cancel and block and delete as previously mentioned.

It worries me that you even had to ask though. You need to really set those boundaries and delete anyone from your life who crosses them.

If you need to know a lot more about red flags, warning signals, abusive men, then please do the Freedom Progamme.

If this man gets weird and stalker-ee when you reject him then please do let the police know. He sounds like one of those types!

GhettoFabulous · 26/09/2014 10:08

Even in my casual dating/no strings days I would not have had a man to my house. I've heard of men like this just randomly turning up at your door on the off chance of a shag.

My rules of internet dating:

Move it along to face to face quickly if you feel you might like someone. There's no substitute for looking someone in the eye.

Be clear about what you want. If you want a relationsip don't settle for anything else.

Meet in a public place, and the first time keep it brief like a coffee or drink. If it's going well you can extend it, and if it isn't you can get away.

Have a separate phone and only give out the number when a date has been confirmed. Don't get suckered into texting prematurely.

zippey · 26/09/2014 10:19

Have you spoken to him on the phone?

YonicScrewdriver · 26/09/2014 11:37

Rainbow, can you lay off the OP now?

Lweji · 26/09/2014 11:41

Have you already told him to sod off?

Prepare yourself for abuse. I hope he doesn't know where you live.

borisgudanov · 26/09/2014 11:56

What a colossal twat. I'd do more than just cancel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he is to fuck right off and disappear up his own arse. If he then pesters you again for sex tell the police. Oh, and get him kicked off the site, as well. Entitled scumbags like him deserve to get their bollocks chopped off. Eeeugh.

HampshireBoy · 26/09/2014 12:01

I think it is obvious that you know that you should tell him to leave you alone and you want nothing to do with him, please do it.

He probably has a string of other women that he is sending exactly the same messages to, men like this have a method and stick to it.

There are plenty of men out there who are looking to build a relationship and will treat you with respect, don't settle for something you don't want.

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