How to deal with friend who criticises my appearance?

[stargirl04]

Hi,

I have a friend who I've known for 25 years whose company I enjoy but she is always trying to "improve" me.

On the one hand, I'm going through a tough time at the moment and she's been really concerned and helped in concrete ways.

On the other hand, I met her for lunch today and she asked me if I had ever considered plastic surgery.

I'm almost 49 and well past the first flush of youth but I have come to accept my wrinkles, and if men don't like them, I couldn't care less!

I know I have smokers' lines around my mouth and they do annoy me but that's a problem you can't correct with surgery. I said to her that "some" celebs (though not all) who'd had stuff done to their lips/mouth area end up looking like the Joker in Batman, so I'd "rather keep my wrinkles and age gracefully."

She said: "Did you used to smoke?" and I said, "No, I have never smoked in my life. It's just bad luck."

Then she said: "You should go back to the gym and try to lose weight." I'm a size 16 and have recently started going to the gym, so she said, "But you haven't lost weight. Don't you want to be healthy?"

I said that my weight was nobody else's business and that looking perfect was not everyone's priority. Instead of focusing on their appearance some people might want to study quantum physics or the works of Plato, for example (though not I) and that owing to time constraints, something had to give. Waistlines, perhaps.

She's lost a good few friends over the years, some mutual, and today she told me that those who remain don't call her so often and wondered why.

I am tired of her remarks - as this has gone on years (even when I was thin and smooth skinned!) - and want to tackle it but I'm not sure about the best way to go about it.

First there's the adult approach: I email or text her in the next few days saying that while I value her friendship and the concrete help she's given me in my current difficulty, I find her comments about my appearance hurtful?

However, she will justify it, say she never meant to cause offence and imply that I'm hypersensitive.

Or should I try a different approach and do nothing until the next time I see her, wait for the barbed comment, then say, "Remember when you told me last time we met that some friends never called you? Perhaps this is the reason...." etc

Or should I try the same tactic back and say... "Hmm, given all the exercise you do you do still have a large bottom and I wondered how you felt about that? Would you ever consider a bottom lift?

I risk our friendship, yes, and feel a bit churlish after the way she's helped me with my difficulty (which I don't want to go into), but really don't want this to continue. Even if I had a friend who was 30 stone and looked 100 I would never, ever pass comment about it or bring it up in any way.

Thanks for reading, mumsnetters.

I don't think you owe her anything. 25 years you have bent over and took it up the arse. You need a medal or a slap and I don't know which

It is abusive to treat you this way, the person who said that to you was dead right.

Why do you want her in your life if all she does is put you down? You deserve better than that.

if you really wanted to stay friends with her (god knows why you would, but if you did) then perhaps saying something like "Can you just stop there, I haven't asked for your opinion and I don't want it. I don't like it when you start to pick me apart and you need to stop doing it right now."

Although I bet if you did stand up to her, she'd have a massive tantrum and play the victim.

But if you're lucky, she might stop talking to you, so problem solved

Tell her to get stuffed?

my jaw hurts after your first post from it hitting the floor...

'have you considered plastic surgery?'

This is UNBELIEVABLE.

helping you in the past does not mean she can now insult you!

tell her that you'll meet again when she promises not to be so rude.

Yes, the plastic surgery thing is quite a zinger. I've just been telling a mate at work about it and she couldn't believe it.

She very kindly said that there was no way I needed plastic surgery, that I had good skin and that my friend must have a problem.

I quite like the idea of provoking the frenemy into a row and then if I'm lucky she'll stop speaking to me

I know this sounds nuts, and I am quite possibly nuts, but I actually feel sorry for her and over the years haven't had the heart to tell her to get stuffed. And I kind of admire her toughness in a way as I lack assertiveness, confidence and self-esteem.

I realise how sad that sounds.

But I've decided I am just going to avoid her to start with, put some distance between us, and then when the time comes to tell her how her insults make me feel, it will be face to face.

stargirl thats what my acquaintance would say "that shes only trying to help"

stargirl two days ago when i had the same shit from my frenemy i felt pity for her too to some extent.

I've had two frenemies, OP; one at school and one as a young adult.

The former I phased out, which was easy because our lives were going in different directions anyway (and I had extra incentive after her father hit on me when I'd babysat her kid sister!).

With the latter, I said over the phone, after a straw broke the camel's back, that I thought we weren't really compatible as friends. She took this newfound assertiveness rather badly and was very unkind in retaliation.

So I'd say do whatever you think will be the least hassle, but do it soon. Life's too short for other people's shit.

Does she see you as a "charity" friend, as in isn't she being so charitable to be your friend? That would fall in the superiority category. Helping out, being a savior and expecting adoration in return? Perhaps a little narcissistic, if not, then just mean.

It is mind boggling that she targets your appearance for years...And after you decline all of her advice, she won't take the hint and stop it!

Regarding the plastic surgery comment, perhaps she already has had a procedure given her obsession with appearance, and thus felt entitled to promote that...clutching at straws...But the further interrogation does suggest otherwise. [anger] It is something you just don't say to people. She must be lacking in social awareness.

My sister is somewhat like this. She would say to me about my other sister "she dresses like nobody loves her". Maybe I was supposed to take the hint and dress better myself. Never did, ha! I ultimately tapered contact and am now no contact. My self esteem was used up and got to the point that it simply wasn't a renewable resource.

I doubt you will miss her.

Jesus. I feel sorry for her. I'd be insulted that my friend thought it appropriate to essentially insult what I looked like...but more than that I'd be insulted that they particularly cared so much. It is a bit sad that "attractiveness" matters so much to her. I suppose pitying her may make you feel better.

I'd ditch her. But that's just as much about her being rude as you sounding "incompatible". You clearly have very different values/outlook. Since when did being a size 12 instead of 16 equate to being "healthy"? Or losing 3lbs, whatever. As an approach I'd go for the pitying softly softly but be happy to back it up with a more blunt rebuttal if she wasn't getting it. Ultimately though maybe that's best reserved for group social situations and you'd do better to get some distance. Life is much better without people who claim to care for us pissing all over us.

If none of the indirect approaches work send her a letter stuffed with photos of her with rings around the less than ideal bits, like they do in the magazines.

It's your turn.

stargirl if it wasn't for the age gap I'd be convinced we were talking about the same person!!

My 'Frenemy' also believed herself to be very left wing and liberal. But in reality she was very closed minded and judgemental. She was certainly prejudice (especially towards 'bloody immigrants' as she would call anyone who wasn't British living in England) and just downright racist sometimes! It was that which gave me the impetuous to cut her off totally in the end. I realised that despite how much fun she was, the good bits were being far outweighed by the bad bits. I just didn't like her, not just because of the way she made me feel about myself but because I disagreed with virtually everything she said. And what with the development of social media I started to 'see' her thoughts and views on a daily basis which really opened up my eyes. I just didn't want to be associated with her anymore.

I'm trying now to think when her more radical views on things started, I can't believe I ever tolerated that. But I think it was so subtle to begin with and worsened so gradually I didn't notice until it became extreme. And perhaps I was so used to focussing on her good points I was in denial.

But it still took 5 years to get her permanently out of life. In the end, completely ignoring her with no explanation was all I felt able to do. I don't care if she's left wondering why. She has a massive superiority complex and I don't think that will ever change. I also don't care what she thinks about me, she has so few friends I'm not concerned about her spreading rumours or anyone taking any notice of what she says. I'm just pleased I never have to see her again and that she will never meet my child.

My mum always said when we were children "that girl makes friends quickly but loses them quickly" I'm the only friend she kept from her childhood, so maybe that's why she was so keen to cling on to me despite being so disapproving of me! I kind of feel sorry for her for that now.

Actually, It's just occurred to me that her boyfriend is a very unconfident and shy. Poor bloke.

I just hope she never has children.

I find the concept of a 'frenemy' somewhat bizarre. Do men have 'frenemies'? I strongly doubt it. Most would regard the idea of a 'frenemy' as the stupidest thing they had ever heard.

Perhaps sometimes we could learn a few things from men's more straightforward approach.

I've just re-read this thread and there are some brilliant answers here, plus ones that made me laugh! The MN community is fab!!!

I've taken some time to think about this and I actually do NOT want to see her anymore. At all.

Trouble is, she isn't going quietly, having been in touch with me on four occasions since. She'd obviously rung my mobile and because I hadn't answered she rang my land line. I put her off saying I was going on holiday (true) and had stuff to organise etc. Which bought me some time to think.

After my holiday, I thought about the direct approach, telling her that I've had enough of her insults, etc, but she is vindictive and I think she will go nuts. And there is sensitive information that she knows that I don't want coming back on me.

She's texted me three times since. First, to ask if I wanted to meet up soon, then to ask if I'd received that text, then to ask if everything was ok - as I didn't reply to the first two texts. The third I replied to 24 hours later with a fib about my phone being out of action. Again to buy me thinking time.

Because she's a nutter, I need to handle this carefully.

Having given this a lot of thought, and spoken to friends in RL, I've decided NOT to confront her, but just to be unavailable by always being "busy", and hopefully that way I'll never see her again.

Of course, I could always tell her that I'd prefer to see her after I've lost weight and had a facelift, in order to meet with her approval and avoid further criticism. haha...

Ideally, she'll become pissed off with my flakiness and lack of interest, and tell me to get stuffed and can live happily ever after thinking that she's in the right. A win-win situation.

Some more reasons I don't want to see her again:

1. I bought some new lipstick in Boots while waiting for her recently and put it on.

"What do you think?", I asked her, showing off my glistening lips.

"Yes, it's nice. You don't look so 'dead'."

1. I was discussing a friend of mine (who cut my frenemy loose years ago) and her daughters. Despite never having met the daughters, both teenagers, she referred to them as "bitches".

1. Ranting on about benefit scroungers and how her tax is supporting them.

1. a) Going to a restaurant with her is an excruciating experience. She always grabs the comfy leather chair by the window, while I am left with the stick chair next to the toilet or the draughty door.

b) I spent much of the time cringing in embarrassment as she is unremittingly rude to waiting staff, so much so that I am obsequiously nice to them to compensate for her rudeness.

c) She always finds an excuse not to leave a tip so I always leave more - to compensate.

There have been countless incidents over the years. I'm not looking for sympathy, as it is useful to write this down as a reminder of how awful she is.

Mainly, I am annoyed with myself for being such a pathetic and willing victim for so many years. And also for feeling a small measure of sympathy for her - for her ineptitude and social disability.

I don't think it will be easy to get rid of her. But if I don't give her any ammunition, ie by voicing my true feelings, then she can't use that against me. So I'm going to stick to my plan of always being too busy to see her. Like a stuck record, over and over.

Thanks for reading x

I don't blame you, and given what you've written I think the being unavailable tact is a good one. We've got Christmas and new year coming up so plenty of excuses to be had.

She sounds like a horror story. I ditched a 'friend' who made me feel awful. Best decision ever.

For the record stargirl, I think you sound lovely.

Bollocks Jessiem.

What do you mean she will go nuts?

Other people have managed it, why should you spend the next year trying to get out of meetings etc? Just fucking tell her that you realised she is really not a nice person to spend time with and as such, you won't be spending time with someone who spend the whole time insulting you and everyone around you.

If you want to spin it positively say 'I won't be meeting up with you again, I have decided to spend time with people who like me and who enjoy my company. I will not be responding to phone calls or texts again. Have a nice life. Smiley face.'

I really don't think you need to waste any pity on her, because unlike the rest of us she clearly isn't even aware that she is socially inept etc. She just goes happily bulling through life, trampling on other people. She won't suffer anything more than frustration by losing you, and will never agonize about why you wanted to cut her out; she'll just decide something is wrong with you and tell her next victim all about how weird you are (and how terrible your face looks, and possibly how amazingly diplomatic she was in pretending she liked that awful lipstick you smeared on).

I have a member of my family who used to be like this OP. She's a similar age to me and used to constantly try and give me "advice" on clothes and "makeup", I.e. Laugh at what I was wearing and make me dress/act more like her.

Earlier this year after one dig too many, I snapped and said "you know, I'm quite happy with my style, in fact maybe it's the reason I'm getting married and you're not".

I did feel very bad after saying it but she hasn't made a dig since.

Put off every meeting with a text:

Sorry, can't meet you. I'm in the gym, trying to shift the weight you told me about.

Sorry, can't meet you. I've having botox on those wrinkles you told me about.

Sorry, can't meet you. I'm having plastic surgery, as you recommended.

Not acceptable behavior from her at all no wonder she's got no other friends. I don't think it's anyone's place to criticise someone else's appearance like that..

You just need to tell her straight that her comments are hurtful and ask her her not to make them anymore. Simple solution.

She sounds fucking abusive and you are totally doing the right thing. I havent seen my college "friend" since the week i posted my thread and thats the way i like it.

I quite like Imperial's approach.

OP, life is too short for people like her. But you already know that. Hope you'll feel a weight lifted once you're shot of her.

Or u could say "we could meet up, but i feel good about life today and i dont want to be told how wrinkly and fat i am!"

It is a very good thing to see, finally see, this dynamic in the cold light of day. It is her, not you. It is a triumph of the little grey cells.
Cutting her out of your life is the best thing to do. You sound emotionally detached already (save the residual anger that will dissipate with re-processing the history of the relationship in light of this knowledge).

Disconnecting can be a bit of a dance. Have a whole menu of excuses ready as you have been doing. I think that is the best way, she will eventually "get it", but as pps say, she will lay all the shame and blame at your door to deflect attention away from her/her behavior. "Saving face" will be so important to her...That she will twist your complaints around back onto you (you are ungrateful because she was just trying to help, you are too sensitive, you are misunderstanding her all the time, etc).

If you should find yourself in her presence by accident, you can monitor her behavior as an analyst would, which will help you remain emotionally detached in the moment. A bit of bingo? Reward yourself if you can detect five put downs.

If she is insistent, and pesters you, it might work to say that you would like to take a break from the friendship. It would be a good time to say how completely worn out you are from her disrespectful, dismissive, and degrading behavior towards you...but don't expect her to hear you. (The person I dealt with would not listen and instead would be forming her dismissive rebuttal after I had spoken 4 or 5 words.) A "break"would not sound so permanent (even though you know otherwise).

Good luck

Be prepared. People like this flip from bully to victim and back again. When I quietly ditched the uni friend who did this to me, she went around to mutual friends wailing 'But why doesn't Monstrous want to see me?'

One or two did fall for it and suggest I was being unkind. The rest remembered the endless stream of digs and put-downs and shrugged her off.