Hi,
I have a friend who I've known for 25 years whose company I enjoy but she is always trying to "improve" me.
On the one hand, I'm going through a tough time at the moment and she's been really concerned and helped in concrete ways.
On the other hand, I met her for lunch today and she asked me if I had ever considered plastic surgery.
I'm almost 49 and well past the first flush of youth but I have come to accept my wrinkles, and if men don't like them, I couldn't care less!
I know I have smokers' lines around my mouth and they do annoy me but that's a problem you can't correct with surgery. I said to her that "some" celebs (though not all) who'd had stuff done to their lips/mouth area end up looking like the Joker in Batman, so I'd "rather keep my wrinkles and age gracefully."
She said: "Did you used to smoke?" and I said, "No, I have never smoked in my life. It's just bad luck."
Then she said: "You should go back to the gym and try to lose weight." I'm a size 16 and have recently started going to the gym, so she said, "But you haven't lost weight. Don't you want to be healthy?"
I said that my weight was nobody else's business and that looking perfect was not everyone's priority. Instead of focusing on their appearance some people might want to study quantum physics or the works of Plato, for example (though not I) and that owing to time constraints, something had to give. Waistlines, perhaps.
She's lost a good few friends over the years, some mutual, and today she told me that those who remain don't call her so often and wondered why.
I am tired of her remarks - as this has gone on years (even when I was thin and smooth skinned!) - and want to tackle it but I'm not sure about the best way to go about it.
First there's the adult approach: I email or text her in the next few days saying that while I value her friendship and the concrete help she's given me in my current difficulty, I find her comments about my appearance hurtful?
However, she will justify it, say she never meant to cause offence and imply that I'm hypersensitive.
Or should I try a different approach and do nothing until the next time I see her, wait for the barbed comment, then say, "Remember when you told me last time we met that some friends never called you? Perhaps this is the reason...." etc
Or should I try the same tactic back and say... "Hmm, given all the exercise you do you do still have a large bottom and I wondered how you felt about that? Would you ever consider a bottom lift?
I risk our friendship, yes, and feel a bit churlish after the way she's helped me with my difficulty (which I don't want to go into), but really don't want this to continue. Even if I had a friend who was 30 stone and looked 100 I would never, ever pass comment about it or bring it up in any way.
Thanks for reading, mumsnetters.