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Original poster

Is it never ok to have an affair?

62 replies

Empress · 08/04/2004 15:06

I've read so many of these threads and its always the man having an affair, but I'm having one myself. I still love dh, nothing will change that, its just so exciting to be with someone new and it makes me notice how stale things were getting at home. The affair will not last long because we are moving away to a different area soon. Can a short fling really screw things up that much, is an affair ALWAYS a bad thing to do?

OP posts:
mummytojames · 08/04/2004 15:12

it dont feel like a bad thing at the time but it can be dangerous because you got to put yourself in your husbands shoes and think how he would feel if he ever found out. i think your best bet wuld be to end the affair now before it gets out of hand and try and spice up the relationship you and you husband got after all this guy aint going to be around when you move so why dont you try and sort out your feelings and what you want before you move so the move can be a fresh start in more ways than one sorry guess you didnt want to here that but thats how i feel a affair ended my marrige (both of us had a affair) and still to this day i ask mysself why

Thomcat · 08/04/2004 15:13

Well only if you wouldn't be hurt if he did it to you and you know you wouldn't destroy his life if he found out I suppose, I suppose then it would be okay!

Personally, however short the 'fling' was, it's the deceit I'd find hard to live with.

If you love your husband why not ry and do things to make the relationship less 'stale' rather than risk losing him forever for a short fling?

Not judging you, you do what you want with your life and I hope everything will be okay for you whatever happens, just personally I can't understand how if you love someoneyou can justify sneaking around behind their back. But hey that's just me!

mummytojames · 08/04/2004 15:17

thomcat you are right in a way but dont every girl want to feel that extra bit special i think its just people got different ways of finding it

Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:18

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Original poster
Empress · 08/04/2004 15:19

Mummytojanes: thanks for your non-judgemental response. sorry to hear that you speak from experience. which one of you had an affair first? did you try to spice up your married life and why did it not work out? hope you don't mind me asking but advice from someone whos been there, done that, is a valuable thing.

OP posts:
mummytojames · 08/04/2004 15:22

he had the affair first with my best friend so i slep with his brother as revenge then he threw me out then to move his ex back in and yes i did loads to try and spice up the relationship but it was a one sided kind of thing he didnt want to know hey im glad to be rid of him after i found out with that s* i wouldnt let him near me scared of atching something

Thomcat · 08/04/2004 15:22

Errr, so sneaking around and risking breaking up the family unit, even though you DO love your husband, becasue you want to feel a bit special is ok. no sorry - you and buy a pair of bloody shoes or something!

If my partner had an affair and i found out and he said 'but baby i do love you, I just wanted to feel special' i'd be devestated, furious etc. Take some time out together as a couple get the magic back, work at it, don't just someone else.

No sorry, i think the only time to have an affair is when you want it to end your relatinship, ie, it'll be discovered and force you out of an unhappy relationship.

Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:24

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oxocube · 08/04/2004 15:26

Well, Empress, I can only give my honest opinion and that is that while you are married to someone/in long term relationship, you should not have sex with anyone else. I couldn't ever feel comfortable with the fact that I was treating someone I loved like this (and you did say you loved your husband). I know if my husband deceived me by having a 'fling' (doesn't sound as bad as 'affair' somehow), and I found out, I would be devastated. Like Thomcat, I am not judging you but cannot understand what you are doing.

Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:27

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mummytojames · 08/04/2004 15:28

thats sometimes where the problem comes in like with me i wanted to save the marridge he basicaly didnt care and after 2 years of someone not careing whethere you alive or dead but want to stay married to you because its the right thing to do then a girl can only take so much and before anyone asks why didnt i leave him because i felt obliged to stay with him for better or for worse and it turned out to be the worst thats what i ment by some times a girl needs to feel special

Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:28

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happycat · 08/04/2004 15:29

Agree with thomcat too.I couldn't have a fling and be intending to stay with my husband.Things wouldn't be the same for me even if he didn't find out.I can't say I wouldn't have an affair if things were bad and I didn't love him anymore and didn't want to be with him,but then an affair is not the same as a fling I suppose.

Moomin · 08/04/2004 15:29

I think affairs are usually indicative of deeper problems within the relationship.
I had an affair when I was with my 1st husband. Our marriage had been in trouble but this was when we were supposedly giving it another go. It was extremely exciting and sexually thrilling but I got infatuated with the other bloke and it became too much for him. Me and the bloke split up but then I realised that if I'd had an affair I couldn't feel the way I thought I should towards my husband so the marraige ended. We'd have definitely split eventually without the affair but it was all very sad and I hurt him very much more than I would have if we'd just split without the affair.
I remember feeling very wrapped up in myself at the time and felt very excited with the attention and secrecy.
I spose I'm saying that whatever anyone tells you, you'll only believe what you want to at the moment anyway.

Blu · 08/04/2004 15:31

An affair as opposed to a mutually honest open relationship? I think non-monogamy is okey-dokey if everyone concerned is clear about what is happening, and where they stand.

For me, what is important is the honesty angle - I would really hate to be in a situation where someone else (i.e DP and 'affair-ee) knew something about my relationship that I didn't. I would feel humiliated - so I wouldn't do it to anyone else.

Empress - having realised how stale things are at home, are you planning to use the experience to strengthen your home life, or to move on, or to liven it up a bit more in your new place? That's a genuinely open question. I can see how you get that perspective, but my own choice would be to 'smell the coffee' before the affair actually got going - cos if I did value my relationship enough to want to freshen it up, I wouldn't be wanting to put it at risk. But that's me - hope everything works for you!

Blu · 08/04/2004 15:32

And we need some details here......hope it's not my DP you're messing with!!

bundle · 08/04/2004 15:32

don't people feel bad when they're at it with someone else, that they could be spending time/effort on their children instead??

Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:32

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LonelyGirl · 08/04/2004 15:34

I've changed my name which is probably ver cowardly but anyway.
I have been with my dp for 7 years and i know that if i met someone else i wouldn't think twice about having an affair.
My relationship with my dp is very bad and has been for some time. I know i should just end it but i can't for various reasons.
I feel so lonely in my relationship and so i think that if someone else were to show me some affection and generally take an interest then i wouldn't be strong enought to resist.
I'm not saying it is right at all, but i can understand it at least.

oxocube · 08/04/2004 15:37

Take your point entirely, Galaxy, and agree

Original poster
Empress · 08/04/2004 15:40

Err, Galaxy, wasn't that post before last your last one?! I understand all the things you're all saying, and agree. Who said the 'wake up smell the coffee' thing has it about right i think. at least reading that rang a bell for me. i have been on the other side (partner had affair) and just ended it for all the reasons here, but we didnt have kids, kids make everything so different. i'd never never never leave my mariage, thats never happening. my dh must never find out any of this has happened. so already i've got something to hide. i guess in my mad moments i think 'i've alredy done this, so why not let it run its course and end when it ends'. Please no more attacks, I didnt post this to get everyone on their soapbox about affairs. just feeling confused and dont know what i want.

OP posts:
Janstar · 08/04/2004 15:42

Empress, I think you have posted because you are hoping someone will tell you that what you are doing is okay.

IMO it is absolutely not okay. I would have thought if you have read the threads you say you have you would realise what misery can be caused by affairs and would try and exercise a little self-control.

You have now created a situation where you will need to lie to your dh for the rest of your life if he is not to find out about this. Your dh is supposed to be your nearest and dearest. If you think it so unimportant to deceive him then who wouldn't you lie to and cheat?

What if you fall in love with the other guy? If this comes to an end without any tears you will be very lucky indeed.

You have disrespected your husband totally. If he finds out and you lose him I hope you won't come whining on mumsnet for support.

Original poster
Empress · 08/04/2004 15:42

LonelyGirl - have you got children together?

OP posts:
Galaxy · 08/04/2004 15:46

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Thomcat · 08/04/2004 15:46

Your're so not being attacked, honestly you're not. But you did ask if it's ever okay, so funnily enough people are giving you their opinions and when it's on a topic of this nature people have strong opinions but please don't feel as if you're being attacked okay

I'm actuallu concerned that you don't want to end uour mariage 'never, never, never' and 'he must never find out'. Well you're playing a VERY dangerous game and putting a lot at risk if you vnver want your marriage to break up. what are you doing it for? i don't understand? I'm not getting at you, HONESTLY, but I am just concerned that on one hand you love him, and therefore I assume wouldn't want to hurt him, never want him to find out, but are taking such a huge risk and one that once discovered will put a big strain on your relationship and break the trust. i know he's done it to you, so you've already had to get through this once before and re-build trust and now your risking it all again and this time with chilkdren involved.

Can't you stop this affair now and just really give your relationship a go?