Is it never ok to have an affair?

[Empress]

I've read so many of these threads and its always the man having an affair, but I'm having one myself. I still love dh, nothing will change that, its just so exciting to be with someone new and it makes me notice how stale things were getting at home. The affair will not last long because we are moving away to a different area soon. Can a short fling really screw things up that much, is an affair ALWAYS a bad thing to do?

I can speak from experience that affairs hurt! My first husband cheated on me before we were married, but he said he loved me and that it was just a last fling and meant nothing. so I forgave him and we got married. WORST mistake of my life. My marriage was a lie - I found out when I finally got him out of my flat that he was cheating on me from day one of our marriage and with the same girl. I endured 2 years of emotional abuse because I was married catholic and took my vows for better or for worse seriously. I didn't ask him to leave until his drinking got so bad and he wasn't coming home to late every night and using saying he was at his work as an excuse (which I knew he wasn't because I would try and call him to see what time he would be home for dinner) I can't tell you how many dinners were thrown in the trash.

At the end I met a wonderful man (actually my current DH) who made me realise I didn't need to take the abuse! We didn't have a relationship until after I asked my 1st husband for a divorce and asked him to leave. So yes technically I had an affair with my current DH, but my marriage was over to my first husband and I had told him so - he knew were he stood!

I am not judging Empress but affairs are sole destroying and end marriages - so be very careful - as your DH may follow your lead and have an affair himself or find out about yours and leave. At the end of the day you have to be prepared to face the consequences of your actions!

Yes Empress we have got children together.
So far the situation has never arisen, but i just don't think i could resist if temeptation came along.
It will probably never happen as i don't go out enough to meet anyone else anyway.
Hopefully i will eventually have the courage to end the relationship with dp before anything like that happens.

Just wanted you to know that i do know where you are coming from slightly.
Only thing is though, i don't love my dp which is why i would consider na affair. If you still love your husband, i don't quite understand the need for an affair.

Not a troll
not taking the moral high ground
haven't had time to read whole thread so apologies for mis-reading the tone or repeating others

Empress
The general reasons for having an affair have been stated on this thread. The fuel that makes you think you will carry on and see what happens is chemical, your whole state of mind alters when you are on the affair high. Which is why you don't feel too guilty, regardless of your personal moral standards (which I am not judging), the thrill and lust are keeping you in an altered state of realism. But this cannot last.
In answer to your question, if you can live day in day out with a big guilty secret sitting on your shoulder night and day, constantly reminding you, colouring your every action and thought, if you can look at your kids and your DH (you said you would never end the marriage) and be confident that they will never see this beast that is sitting on your shoulder and that you can keep the beast at bay (sorry to come over a bit Hammer House of Horror) then it is OK. And this is for ever, not just for a few weeks, FOREVER, regardless of any other good things about you or how your relationship with your DH changes throughout the years.

Sorry to be blunt but you did ask and I do know what I am talking about.

The basis of any long-term relationship/marriage is total trust. If you are cheating, you cannot be trusted, even though he doesn't know that. So your marriage is based on a lie.

It's all very well asking for advice from mummytojames as she's BTDT, but, if you read her post, that particular relationship died as a result of affairs. Is that what you want?

We all like to feel special, etc., but sometimes our need to feel that way should take second place to the potential for destroying several lives - I presume you have children.

I don't understand how some people can feel that their need to feel special/get some excitement in their lives should take precedence over their family's need for stability and security.

In the early years when D and i were dating, i nearly, had a bit of a holiday fling. When i got home, even though I didn't really do anything, and D and I weren't living together or anything, this was all about 8-9 years ago, I felt so guilty. i kept thinking 'I'm just going to blurt it out'. we'd be having a nice time and I'd think , 'Goid, I was attracted to someone else and was tempted' and the guilt was awful.. So awful that I had to tell him about it, even though it was nothing, i just couldn't live with this between us!

I like the beast on the shoulder anaolgy.

Sorry my typing is SO bad.

Believe me it will all end in tears empress!! AND they might well be yours.
This will have one of two endings

1. DH will find out - end of marriage lots of tears
2. Yuou will fall in love with this guy who is only in it for the fling - lots of tears and poss end of marriage anyway. Sorry - Not being harsh, can understand what yu are saying but IME one of the above will be true. true

freckle my marridge ended the day we got married basicaly the affair was a god send realy because it gave me away out where i had no other and with my ex if anyone asked me if i would do it again im sorry but i would have to answer because it made me realise what a stupid little girl i was for takeing the rubbish of him if anyone asked if i would do it know with current dp never because he loves me and respect me for who i am and vice verser so realy people shouldnt look at the affair but why that person chose to have the affair in the first place

Empress-read my thread and imagine that you are doing that to your husband.Affairs are NEVER EVER OK. If your marraige is in such a state that you would even CONTEMPLATE it then you need a serious look at it.An affair will achieve nothing other than feed your own selfish ego-out of character though that may be-and hurt the people around you.

Agree with sonnet. You are the one most likely to get hurt. Even if some good can come of it, the pain from one or both of your relationships splitting up can be pretty unbearable for you. (I've posted this on a different thread under a different name some time ago, but I feel confident enough to be a little more direct now.)

Well I know where you are coming from empress. My marriage was stale, dh took me totally for granted, was a total boring tightwad, but other than that a decent chap and wonderful father. But I felt like nothing. He also had a very low sex drive IMO.

I tries allsorts to spice it up but nothing worked. Then i eventually developed a huge crush on a guy at work. Who I then found out had had a huge crush on me for years. Once I had kissed him I felt I had to tell my DH, who I felt I wanted to leave by then. He was totally stunned and devastated.

All I wanted to do was leave the marriage but I knew I had do do it right because of the kids. So I told him I wanted to have an affair and had met someone else. I organised for us to go toRelate for counselling, to help us through the split. Weeks and Weeks of it. Gradually despite my infatuation I decided staying with my husband was what I wanted. Not least because he changed, which he wouldn't have done without the counselling. I also realised that to put up with what I was doing he must really, really love me even though his actions for years said otherwise (though he did tell me, somewhat mechanically, every night)

It took weeks before he could even see that there had been a problem! Eventually he asked if my 'affair had been sexual - it hadn't at that point.

Eventually I decided if I didn't 'do it' I might always regret it....and be tempted again. So I did.

I do wish I hadn't done it, truly, and he doesn't know what happened, and he would leave me if he did. But I'm sure I would have always regretted it if I hadnt and maybe I woiuld have been tempted later. The guy left where we work and moved away, thank goodness. I feel sure I wouldnt do it again.

Our marriage is IOK now, great actually, and I feel like I had a lucky escape, because I would have left him and then regretted it.

So I would say get some counselling. Fast. Because evryone says if you have done it once it is easier to do it again. Moving won't solve anything because there will always be men around ready to have an affair. The only thing to do is to have counselling to sort your stale marriage out.

But it is so hormonal, that total chemical crush feeling is like steamroller.

I don't think it's helpful to label having an affair as being good or bad really. Certainly it's symptomatic that something is missing within the main relationship for the person who is having the affair, and it's for that person to examine themselves in order to find out what that is.

I would say that it is wrong to cheat on someone you are supposed to love, but throwing stones at such a person doesn't help. Far better to help them uncover the reason they feel the need to do it in the first place.

I do speak from experience btw.

Spacemonkey, I understand what you are saying but IMHO, having an affair is bad - simple as that. You only have to read the heartbreaking threads of Bugsy and more recently Spook and others to see the havoc and pain they cause both to partners and children. It may be very tempting to 'spice up' a boring marriage in this way, but that doesn't make it right IMO. Sorry, but I agree with others who say that this energy should be focussed towards exploring the problems in the marriage and deciding whether it can work better or work at all. I am thinking of the number of times I have been reduced to tears just reading what some other Mumsnetters are going through. Empress did ask the question can a short fling really screw things up that much. I think most Mumsnetters would say yes

I don't disagree with anything you say oxocube. It's entirely wrong to think having an affair is OK in order to spice things up and YES it can screw things up that much.

Life isn't black and white, and these things do happen. All I'm saying is it doesn't help to simply condemn.

I understand what you are saying friendofbeetroot.My husband has said to me constantly-when I questioned how he could stay with me if he was so-called "in love" with someone else-that it is possible to love more than one person.But I was the one he made a life-long commitment to and I was the one who he shared 2 children with. And I was the one who's life he has destroyed. I'm afraid the commitment of marraige MUST mean exclusivity,otherwise what is the point?

friendofbeetroot imo men get away without too much trouble more often than women and many women are far more judgemental than men. Have friends who have affairs which are negotiatied within a marriage but it is very difficult. Jealousy can be very damaging.

Mummytojames, you say that your marriage was over virtually on the day of your wedding, so having an affair was hardly comparable to what Empress is saying. Having an affair for you was an expression of what you felt for your marriage. Empress says that she loves her husband and wants her marriage to continue. I don't see how the two things are compatible. If she loves her husband, why would she do something which could cause him so much pain?? And what about the children???? Has any thought been given to what this would mean to them?

I'm sorry if I seem to be judgemental, but I personally think that one's own feelings are not the main priority once you have children.

I have absolutely no doubt that whichever partner has the affair the hurt and destruction it causes will be the same.If someone is that desperately unhappy in a marraige or their partner is not fulfilling their expectations then there are other ways of dealing with it. What could it be about an affair that will save that marraige long term? I understand the "negotiating"bit.An open marraige is an entirely different ball-game.What I think we are talking about here is deceit,betrayal and lies. Whatever the reasoning behind it-how can that ever be right????

I just wanted to acknowlege SpaceMonkey's honest post on this issue. This is just a very emotionally-charged issue and I even hesitated to comment here. I know that I would be devastated if my DH were to have an affair and I myself would not consider it. I feel I have too much to lose, yes, I would love more attention and more sex and many other things I can think of, but they are not worth risking my marriage and relationship. I don't think anyone should tolerate "drying up" and being abused or neglected in any way, but we are responsible in the end for communicating our needs to our partners and, once we are parents the priority (I believe) does need to shift to focusing on our dependents and at times (most times), placing their needs and security first. At the risk of sounding like a martyr, this is my belief. I do not think the issue is black and white for everyone and I think that SpaceMonkey has hit it on the head with her comment. My DH cannot satisfy all of my needs, that is why I have girlfriends to talk to and hobbies and books and Mumsnet, etcI could not possibly expect him to satisfy all of my needsbut I know myself well enough that I would not have "boyfriends" (as opposed to girlfriends) to fill out my spare time and discuss my issues with. Unfortunately, my past experience shows me that someone is always "tempted", all this comparing goes on, and it is very easy to slip into a physical relationship. I hope this doesn't GRATE on Beetroot's Partner (pun intended), but I really don't have many males in my life that fill my friendship rolesthey just seem to get too complicated in the end. My DH does not have a jealous bone in his body and probably would not have a problem with itthis is purely my choice. Sorry if you felt attacked Empress, but it is a very charged subject as you can see and this is near and dear to alot of folks on here who have suffered dreadfully because of a fling or an affair.

I think the kids question is abit of a red herring. Kids are never happy unless you are. If your marriage is not happy then you shouldnt pretend for the kids they will know. I should know have been child on recieving end of this kind of martyrdom. Kids want their parents to be ahppy and content not miserable. Both of them need to be happy as well not just one.

I find it strange that we all think this is new. Poeple have been doing this for years and women have known about it. It is rare to find an animal who is monogomous. I know we are different but there are many reasons apart form bad marriages why we have affairs. Sometimes we really love the other person and cannot bring ourselves to leave our dh.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that this is new. The original question was whether it is always bad and it seems to me from most posts and from my own point of view that the answer is YES.