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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it never ok to have an affair?

62 replies

Empress · 08/04/2004 15:06

I've read so many of these threads and its always the man having an affair, but I'm having one myself. I still love dh, nothing will change that, its just so exciting to be with someone new and it makes me notice how stale things were getting at home. The affair will not last long because we are moving away to a different area soon. Can a short fling really screw things up that much, is an affair ALWAYS a bad thing to do?

OP posts:

Chinchilla · 08/04/2004 19:34

There are many reasons to have an affair, but the 'worst' one MUST be because things are 'stale at home'. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you are a terrible person Empress. Did you try to make the sex at home more exciting before starting this affair?

The thing is, if you ever were to end up with this exciting passionate man, you can bet your bottom dollar that he would become dull as soon as he put his toothbrush by your sink. You are living in a fantasy. Exciting isn't it!? But is it worth it?

glitterfairy · 08/04/2004 19:36

thank you for that freckle. However not sure it is always that easy

twiglett · 08/04/2004 21:04

message withdrawn

tanzie · 08/04/2004 22:57

Get your appetite elsewhere if you must, but always, always eat at home

expatkat · 09/04/2004 00:54

I think affairs are OK IF it's an agreement made by the couple (as mentioned earlier). I'm not judgmental about people having affairs, but from observation it does seem that most end badlyeven when they remain undiscovered. Probably when you move away, Empress, you'll find yourself experiencing some unexpected heartache. It will just be you & your dh, and the shortcomings of your relationship will seem all the bleaker without the "escape" offered by the other man. And even if you think you haven't developed feelings for the other man, you probably haveand it can hurt to find out that the other man was just in it for sex & nothing else. But I'm not judging you. Life is incredibly complicated & though my blood boils at the stories told by Bugsy & other wives on mumsnet who have been cheated on, I'm sure there are some circumstances (such as mummytojames's & maybe yours) when affairs are completely justified.

nightowl · 09/04/2004 02:42

Im not attacking either but im going to say that all ive EVER wanted was for someone to love me as much as i loved them and unfortunatly it hasnt happened yet. If it did id be sure to never do anything to screw things up. Think very carefully about what you do because its not nice to be alone.

bloss · 09/04/2004 04:39

Message withdrawn

girlie · 09/04/2004 22:58

Plip, your experience is so close to mine, I can hardly believe it. I also had massive (mutual) lust for guy at work but after 4 years of struggling with it, we never even kissed. Now he has moved away, I think I will regret it the rest of my life. I did not think this could happen to me -I could never leave my dh and kids.

lavender1 · 09/04/2004 23:12

Hi, the only thing I would ever say is that the only way ever to justify an affair is if the marriage is about to fall apart for various reasons and that it wouldn't make any difference as relationship between to lovers is just not good....other than that if I ever found out if dh was having an affair, or vice versa if not seriously questioning his motives, our marriage would never be the same again..it's about trust (and lust yes) but yes it is exciting to have that feeling when it's all new and you're still chasing each other but if you've been married for 30 years surely it must be so much deeper, more exciting in a way (from someone who has lusted after her boss for a while can very much understand this) but if you really, really love someone, a quick fling could in the end cost you sooo much...the grass is always greener, but after a few years with your lover would you feel the same way?...and also could you hide this from your dh easily? I did something I regret well before dh and I got married and I couldn't hide it from him for any longer...as long as he could cope with this then I guess it is alright but if he found out, it might be heartbreaking for him.

littlemissbossy · 09/04/2004 23:14

empress, you say it's just a quick fling but how are you going to feel when you move ... are you going to miss him? can you really end it there?

Bugsy2 · 13/04/2004 16:54

Empress, feel so sad for you that you had to look outside of the long-term love and security within your family for a fling.
I don't know whether Bumblelion is still around but I'm sure she could tell you what could happen if you have an affair.
You must be compartmentalising your life to be having an affair at the moment. Imagine how desperately hurt you would be if you discovered that your husband had told you hundreds of lies, had kissed another woman, held her, told her she was beautiful etc etc. Imagine him involved in loving intimate acts with another woman and see how sick you feel.
Do you really want to be responsible for potentially causing so much pain?
I really hope that you can work with your dh to reinvigorate you own relationship/

geordiegirl · 14/04/2004 09:16

Just joined this thread, but speaking as the injured party of a recent affair (my dh and someone at his work)I agree with bugsy2 about the compartmentalising life- that's just what my dh did. that's how he managed to carry on at home with me as if nothing was happening elsewhere in his life. BUT reality eventually hits and the pain and sorrow this causes to ALL parties involved is so destructive and takes so long to come back from. An affair is not real, it is exciting and illicit and a fantasy world of its own- we can't live on fantasies not if we want true inner peace/ peace of mind what ever you want to call it.We are now working hard to find that again in our relationship. the trouble with affairs is that emotion takes over logic and nothing of the two can exist together. Reality is the balance of the two and I believe we can only be truely happy when that balance exists. All I would say to those in or looking for an affair is look for the balance in you existing relationship, find a way to bring it back- the destruction of an affair is not worth the emotional boost that it gives you at the time!

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