Is this therapist overstepping the mark?

[Roomaloo]

i wasn't really sure where to post this. My H is having psychodynamic therapy and has had about 4 sessions with a new therapist. He always tells me about the sessions after and some things have made me question her, but I'm not sure if that's just what they do?

General examples are she will pull faces to show shock/distaste etc at some things he tells her (usually about his mum) and has made comments along the lines of "Nooooo!" And "She really did that?!" I thought they were meant to stay impartial?

More specifically she said in her opinion there is nothing wrong with watching porn. And that maybe I'm controlling (when my husband said he does not find me controlling she then went on to say maybe he did subconciously!) I was fuming!

Is this kind of thing ok? It's very much more involved than the last lady he saw but that was a different type of therapy

No it's absolutely not ok. Your H needs to stop seeing this idiot right away.

If what he's told you is 100% accurate then he should definitely consider changing therapists, and perhaps reporting her to the organisation she's registered with if she is (ie, BACP etc). I would say though that's based on your DH's account being completely truthful, not saying he'd lie but it's very easy in even normal conversation to genuinely feel you've heard/seen what you wanted to when the other person was saying/reacting in a different way and in therapy, where you're covering difficult issues it can be even easier to misinterpret.

What is the therapy meant to address? I would also wonder if your DH's account is strictly accurate of any exchanges or whether he's hearing what he wants to hear. Most therapists ask questions rather than offer opinions. They usually want the subject to explore their own reasoning & reach their own answers rather than superimpose theirs.

Thanks.
A lot of this was discussed with his previous therapist with no reactions of this type so if he was going to invent stuff I would have expected to hear about it before

The therapy is to deal with EA mother and the effect she has had on his life

And the stuff my MIL does really would make you want to say those things, but she's his therapist not his friend

I would switch therapists and report her to the board, as suggested by muuum29.

It's really up to them to investigate whether your husband is just lying about it, or whether she is overstepping the mark.

Reporting her had crossed my mind. He was going to see her once more and if she said anything odd bring it up with her and stop seeing her but maybe I'll show him this thread and suggest he doesn't waste the money

Thanks

I suppose the irony is lost on you that you are 'fuming' at the suggestion that you might be controlling on the one hand.... and then insisting he drops his therapist on the other?

Do you believe him?

I think that is key here.

Yeah I do, he completed a course with someone else (over 10 sessions) and she remained totally impartial. And I saw her once so I know that was her style

I think he could tell you anything about his sessions, couldn't he? Therapist becomes a 'cat's paw'. I think your husband is telling you what he wants you to hear but without him being cast as the 'bad guy'.

The stuff about his mother, well he wants validation, doesn't he? So it's quite easy to see or present these 'faces' and noises of approval as having happened.

You have no right to tell him to change therapist though, it's his session, not yours.

If he is that disgusted with her he should take steps to change.
Otherwise, it just sounds like validation for him, particularly regarding porn. "See, I'm a good guy and I am stunned, but she said that porn is ok and that you are controlling."

Have you met this woman? I'd be tempted to ask her about the porn issue, just to be sure.

Why is he even discussing this with you? Isn't the point of therapy to come to your own conclusions about life and whatever it is you are having issues with.

do you ask him every detail or does he volunteer the information?

I think you need to research this kind of therapy. It may be a shock tactic to elicit an emotional response from your dh. I am not sure but I have a vague memory of this kind of therapy being a bit more 'off the wall' to try and get reactions out of people.

Hmmm...I looked up psychodynamic therapy and I don't think it is the same one I was thinking of.

I think that the only two people who know what really went on in the session and I'm not even certain about that are the therapist and your husband. If that were an objective account of the therapist's behaviour, then some of it feels off the mark, and some of it could fall into the realm of mirroring/reflecting.

I'm not defending what could well be unprofessional behaviour. I'm pointing out another possibility.

Agree with Merry above. I did some counselling training and it was all about being and remaining impartial and using those skills to encourage the client to talk. I have no idea about this branch of therapy and it may be to provoke reactions? Doesn't sound great to me tbh.

Different counsellors work differently and its up to the client to decide if that person is right for them. My DP had counselling at home over a pretty serious issue, one guy came around, saw the flash car, massive motorbike and various musical instruments and openly stated that it showed my DP 'didn't have any problems' while he was plainly jealous and admitted that.

Psychodynamic therapy is very different in its approach compared to person centred therapy which it sounds like your husband initially had.

Perhaps there are some control issues in your relationship, if the therapist has suggested it and you're now considering reporting her and telling your husband to stop seeing her?

Psychodynamic psychotherapy is therapy that comes from the point of view that a person's past plays a fundamental role in unconscious behaviour, which is then played out in the present both in the client's relationships outside the therapy room, and with the therapist. The therapist is there to be as much of a blank slate as possible, working with what the client is projecting on to them (projecting meaning the placing of unconscious aspects of oneself on to another) or transferring on to them (transference being the placing of unconscious aspects of people from the client's past on to another), and working with 'countertransference' - which are the feelings and sensations that come up in the therapist which originate with the client the client, however, is unable to own them, usually because they are a threat to the ego and psychic stability.

"Shocking" clients is not part of psychodynamic psychotherapy, while "confronting" might be. It is the responsibility of the therapist to confront a client only with what the therapist feels the client is ready and willing to see in his/her behaviours/feelings.

It is based on psychoanalytic, or, popularly, "Freudian" therapy.

So you checked out his previous therapist and are now keeping tabs on what his current one is doing? Do you really think it's a normal thing to do to a grown up man?

I'd like to offer a therapist perspective here (I have namechanged for this, but am not a troll - pombears, naice hame etc etc)

None of what you have written sounds unprofessional, in the sense that:

The faces the therapist makes may merely be part of her empathic reaction to your DH's experiences - if she remained like stone and expressionless whilst hearing some awful experiences from your DH he may find her cold and detached. In order to truly connect with your DH and understand his world, she has to be able to feel his pain a little, and maybe this just shows on her face a little too much for DH to bear? It is possibly a mirroring of some disgust that he himself feels but isn't actually aware of, therefore it makes him uncomfortable? He should discuss this with her - I would imagine it would deepen his understanding of his own process and of the way she works.

normalising his use of porn is also not unethical, in that she may have said 'a lot of people find porn helps them relax/express themselves sexually with their partners' etc etc. She will have been aiming to not make him feel 'bad' about porn and to acknowledge that it is something many people use, without judgement. This is not necessarily her opinion - just her way of giving your DH permission to explore the use of porn and to examine any of his own hang-ups or beliefs about it without the fear of being judged or chastised.

And, as others have said, it's how your DH has interpreted the conversations that really matters. I would advise him to discuss all of these concerns with her. If he ends the therapy now he is basically backing away from a relationship that you both find challenging and uncomfortable and whilst it may be difficult to continue with it, it's a chance to really work at a relationship and resolve deep-seated personal issues. Working with a detached/uninvolved therapist might not offer the same opportunity to uncover deep-rooted material in the same way.

Good luck whatever he decides.

"And that maybe I'm controlling (when my husband said he does not find me controlling she then went on to say maybe he did subconciously!) I was fuming!"

A possible lasting effect of growing up subjected to emotional abuse is that someone goes on to avoid confrontation. Him attributing these words to the counsellor may be his once-removed way of confronting something that genuinely bothers him. 'I'm not saying you're bossy Roomaloo... but my therapist says I might think it subconsciously'. Any mileage in that?

The thing is that porn, drugs etc aren't objectively bad, no matter how strong one person's opinion is of them.

Her personal opinion about porn is totally irrelevant but agree he may have misunderstood her presenting a neutral stance (where porn is neither good nor bad but an issue you need to discuss together.)

I can't stand porn, btw, but I would be surprised if a therapist was insisting that it is inherently terrible, since it's perfectly legal and popular opinion appears to be that it's totally harmless as well. I have to accept that my opinion about porn is just that - opinion - and hence highly subjective.

"Why is he even discussing this with you? Isn't the point of therapy to come to your own conclusions about life and whatever it is you are having issues with.

do you ask him every detail or does he volunteer the information?"

My DH is having therapy for Generalised Anxiety Disorder at the moment. He discusses it with me if he feels like. Why on earth would you not discuss something important that's happening in your life with your spouse?

I don't probe him for details, though, but I will politely ask how his session went.

Why are you exaggerating what the OP has said, Cogito?

OP says "maybe I'll show him this thread and suggest he doesn't waste the money"

and you translate that as "insisting he drops his therapist".

You may well have a valid point but it's lost on me in your quest to paint the OP as a controlling witch.