Joint account?

[Littleburgundyboots]

Ok. Background,

Dp and I have lived together 3 years. We have a 6 mo baby. We are not married and aren't planning on getting married (neither of us that keen on weddings) but maybe one day to share the same name.
We rent and are lucky to pay low rent as property is owned by a member of my family.
We have separate bank accounts and I have read that we should have a joint one now but not sure why it's necessary? But I would like one.
I am receiving maternity allowance as my employer did not have to give me SMP. I am not returning to work there or at all for the foreseeable future due to childcare issues. I am happy to not be working (didn't have a career as such) and happy to do the large chunk of household chores, shopping, cooking and raising our child. Dp is happy for me to do this and says he will cover all bills and rent (currently 50/50) when my MA stops in a couple of months. He will give me an amount of money each week for food/nappies/incidentals and is happy for me to ask for more if I need it (new clothes etc).
Child benefit goes straight into a savings account in my name to be saved for baby. When my MA stops I will have nothing coming into my own account at all bar what he gives me.

Wise ladies of Mumsnet. Is this ok? Or should I ask for a joint account? And if I do... What reason do I give?

Hmmm.

Why wouldn't you want a joint account? It leaves you less open to financial abuse long term - everything is transparent and you can withdraw money without having to ask your dh. I also think (and I say this as a sahm myself) it confirms the idea that you are both equals and doing an equal job, rather than feeling like he is giving you "pocket money" as such.

Would be agree to a joint account? If not why not? Will you both have equal spending money - you should do.

Adding a name to an account to make it joint is very easy and just takes a few seconds at the bank.

*he not be

IMO having to ask another adult for money gives them too much power over you. Even if that other person is very kind and gives you exactly what you want, it turns them into the parent in the relationship and fucks with the power balance.

If you are at home doing all the housework and childcare then you deserve equal access to any family money. You shouldn't have to put your hand out and beg for it or receive an allowance like a child.

I'm a SAHM and I would not tolerate separate accounts waiting for DP to put some money in for me, and I wouldn't want to have to ask for extra money for clothes etc. We have a joint account and totally equal access to all finances, I think that is the only acceptable arrangement if one half of the couple is a SAHP but others may not agree.

I think you need more than a joint account if you're making yourself 100% financially dependent on someone else and you're not planning to get married. Even if you have no direct source of income beyond Child Benefit or Maternity Pay I suggest you keep a personal bank account on principle as an expression of independence. You also need a joint account because you need equal title to family money... It can't be entirely his money to dispense.

Then you need to think more widely about your financial security and that of your baby. What would happen, for example, if your partner died? You're not his next of kin. What would happen if the relationship failed? (However unlikely, you have to consider the possibility) As an unmarried person you have precious few rights in the event of a split. What is the housing arrangement? Do you have an equal stake in law?

In short, whatever you think of marriage as an institution, don't be naive about finances

As you will be the stay at home parent it makes it far easier to have a joint account just for simple things like shopping, or paying Bill as you don't have to juggle money from one account to another, also if anything happens to him then if you cannot access any money because it's in his account you and baby will be in dire straits. When my father died everything money wise was paid into his account, and my mother had to borrow money to buy a black dress for his funeral because she was temporarily left penniless

Ow do you think he would react if you asked for joint access?

Oops that was supposed to say how!

Dp is happy for me to do this and says he will cover all bills and rent (currently 50/50) when my MA stops in a couple of months.

Does he take home the same amount as your MA is?

He will give me an amount of money each week for food/nappies/incidentals and is happy for me to ask for more if I need it (new clothes etc).

If you had a joint account, his money would go in to that, and you would both have access to it for food and nappies (why does he need to give you that money, surely you both shop for things like this?).

I also think the idea of having to "ask" for money for clothes etc is awful. What happens if you want something and he thinks it's too expensive?? I'd hate to have someone else have a say about what I buy.

The way we do it is everything into joint account, all bills and groceries out of joint account, savings and debts paid from joint account and then whatever is left is split equally between us to spend on whatever we like.

Thanks for the replies, I agree with most of the things said. I want a joint account so I dont have to ask for money, I'm not going to go nuts and spend all his money on frivolous junk but I feel I should have equal access as an equal partner?

Our living arrangement is secure. If we split he would go to his parents and I would stay here (my family own the property and would allow me to live here rent free until I sorted things out) so I'm not worried about that. If he died... I don't know.

I mentioned it as a "what are we going to do? Are we going to have a joint account?" And he said we didn't need one, he'd just give me money. I'm obviously not happy with this but I can't pinpoint why, other than I don't want to 'ask' for money. His parents have completely separate finances and his dad gives his mum housekeeping each month so that's where he gets the idea from I think, but she worked and has her own pension now as well.

Vivacia no he earns more than my MA.

But he is self employed and as such we never know how much is coming in or going out of his account each week so it would be impossible for us to split money properly. I think he's worried giving me direct access to his account will make it harder to keep track of what he has available at any time rather than knowing how much he's given me and when iyswim? But we both have mobile banking apps etc. Can keep track very easily and I wouldn't make big purchases without consulting him.

Also if we open a joint account should I show my commitment (don't know if that's the right word) by depositing the contents of my current account into it to share? That would be right, right?

I would still keep my account open to show the independence/ in case I needed it one day, but would have no money going into it.

Vivacia no he earns more than my MA.

So why do you think going 50-50 is fair?

his dad gives his mum housekeeping each month

Why? Does his mum give his dad housekeeping for the housework he does? I'm trying to make the point that the language is incredibly unhelpful and sets up norms and expectations that are unlikely to work.

I think he's worried giving me direct access to his account will make it harder to keep track of what he has available at any time rather than knowing how much he's given me and when iyswim?

No, that's not how adult partnerships work. What have you done that has led him to believe that you can't be trusted with finances and must be treated as a child?

It's this simple. Income goes in to the Joint account. Joint outgoings come out (and nappies are a joint outgoing). A direct debit puts a set amount in each of your Individual accounts for individual spending and a set amount in to savings.

When our baby comes along at the end of the year, I will become a stay at home Dad.
Currently we don't have a joint account and don't plan on getting one. Having discussed this subject, we have agreed that my wife will deposit a certain amount in to my account each month for my "pocket money"! which is mine for watever. The amount is equal to what my wife will have as her "pocket money".
All the other bills will be paid from my wifes account and we have a joint credit card to use for everyday things like shopping ect, this will also be paid off each month by my wife.

I have no problem with this set up and don't feel it would lead to any sort of financial abuse ect. I trust my wife to do excatly the right thing by our family.

out of all of my unmarried friends who have had children they all started with the attitude you had. then they all got joint accounts, wills and got married. they said I was old-fashioned and it didnt matter and then reality set in.

I think of it like this, my DH and I chose to form a lifelong partnership whereby what is mine is his and what is his is mine. we have joint accounts and no one controls the money. we have both taken time out to raise the children and we both realise that is a F/T job in itself. so to be given an allowance by a DP, is massively insulting, unfair and unequal.

You have to think about career progression and pensions too, why should your dP have the luxury of a live-in nanny, cook and maid and hardly any knock on effect to his future career, earnings and retirement. Yet if you do this you will be harming yours. you dont want to end up nearing retirement, with little financial power or savings to do with as you wish whilst your DP has a really high income. you will have unequal status in your partenrship and I feel a greater risk of splitting up.

if I were you I wouldnt give up working unless you got married, a joint account, and a firm understanding that you are now are a financial unity whereby there is no his/hers money.

Also to avoid arguments over spending on personal items etc, we take what"s left in our joint account each month and split it 50/50 to do what we like with.

"Pocket Money"? Again, that doesn't sound like an adult-adult relationship.

It's the being self employed that will cause confusion I think. He doesn't pay himself a salary so never knows how much money he will have for 'him' (bills and personal) each month so I don't know how we would be able to split it evenly iyswim.

I am the sensible one with money out of the two of us and have never given him reason to not trust me.

I will ask him if I can be added to his account so I can pay bills/buy groceries using it because I don't want to be 'given' money and then ask what he thinks should be done regarding money for clothes etc for both of us and see what he is thinking.

Why should nappies come out of your allowance OP?

Anything the baby needs or wants is a household expense - not yours!

Did you have any kind of discussions like this before the baby was born or you quit your job? What was said at that point?

Could he set up a separate business account and then you have a joint account which he transfers a set amount too every month, and that's where the bills are all paid and you get your fun money and the money is business account is just for business related expenditure

Or....you could have a joint account and he could just say to you "its a lean month this month" or "ooh lots of work on this month!" So you know whether to be a bit.more frugal?

Ill be honest, i think it is dangerous to be an unmarried unemployed adult in the relarionship.

If it's an undetermined amount each month then you need to have an income/expenditure sheet for household amounts just the same as for the business account, with each months "pocket money" drawn from the preceding months profit, that way you don't overspend on a tight month, also factor in unexpected costs like replacing a lost shoe!. It's far easier to do from one account than two, and also reduces the risk of arguments over fairness as you can both see what the other has spent and on what (I have been there and worn the t shirt)

Well it might be useful to have a separate business account for tax reasons, that way you can set aside your tax etc

So basically you will have no access to any money whatsoever other than what he gives you? Or the Child benefit?

Why would you do that?

Think about it, if you did split up and he went home, or if he died, you would have to dip into the Child Benefit to buy food!

What happens when you go out for lunch? Or trips with the baby whilst he's at work? Who buys the tickets? What happens when you see an adorable outfit in the shops for the baby but all you have is money for food and nappies? What if you ask him for extra for the little outfit and he tsks tsks and says that she has enough clothes?

What happens when you see a pair of boots in New Look & he makes a remark about the amount of shoes you have already? Do you then have to sit down and justify why you need brown boots???

There have been a lot of cases seen on here where women were literally ground down by years of having to justify quite reasonable purchases. In the end you just stop asking, as you couldn't be bothered with the conversation. Meanwhile, they never have to ask you if they want to buy a bloody winter jumper. They just appear with it.

I honestly don't think you have thought through a) what "incidentals" mean when you have a child, or how many there are, or b) that every single non-essential purchase you make will have to be justified now.