Please help me get some perspective on this. In laws and DH. Long

[tiredandconfused1]

Hi. I read a lot here but don't post. I really need some advice here I am just so upset and confused at the moment. I don't know if I want to stay in my marriage or continue my relationship with my MIL.

It may seem silly to some but I am actually so upset over this. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws. DH and I haven't been getting on that great at all recently. We have small kids. Anyway DH has hardly spoken to me the last two weeks. He denies this. Very off hand with me, dirty looks, one word answers and no attempts at making conversation. If I ask him what's wrong I get "nothing wrong" in a snappy tone.

It all came to a head on Sunday and we had a row. In laws were around and he spoke to MIL in private. He was quite upset/angry and wouldn't tell me what he said just that he was upset, talked to MIL and that she was now upset and very angry with me. He refused point blank to tell me what he said.

Last night I managed to get out of him that he told her I couldn't cope with the kids. This is not true. I have been stressed the last while over money, DH refusing to learn to drive so that we can move to a more affordable area before kids start school, and DH's overall immaturity and lack of concern for finances or the future. Feel like I am responsible for everything and have no one to share my worries with. I could write another thread on this.

Needless to say I was upset that he said that. I have no problem coping with the kids, it's tough sometimes as they are still small but I'm managing fine.

So today my mother informs me that MIL rang her Sunday night. Went on a big rant about me. Has diagnosed me with PND. Told her several other things. Then told DH and my mother not to tell me about phone call or that they had been sharing/discussing my "issues".

So between my mother and DH I have managed to painstakingly extracted some details of the conversation between DH and MIL on Sunday.

I'll just say that he has painted me in a very bad light. He said a lot of things that make me look bad but conveniently left out important details so that I seem a lot worse and he is the innocent party. Some of the things he said are just not true.

MIL has the biggest mouth in the world and has already repeated everything to the rest of the ILs, to my mother, and probably everyone else she has encountered since Sunday. I am pissed off with her over the phone call, trying to get DH and my DM to keep it all from me, and I am so upset with DH. Because of the things he said and also because he point blank refused to tell me what he said to MIL, which she is now broadcasting to half the town. He didn't tell me until he had to (I already knew a few bits from my DM and bluffed). He is still guarding his phone which makes me think there is more he hasn't told me about. I feel sick wondering what else he has said about me.

We talked and agreed that if he has told me everything we will try and get passed it. But now that I realise he is probably hiding more I don't know if I can. I feel so betrayed.

I don't know what to do or how to make this better. Any advice welcome.

Sorry its so long.

Thanks for reading.

I was going to say leave the lying, immature bastard, but I am so glad to read in your last post that you've decided to leave him. Absolutely the right decision. How can you ever trust a man who makes up lies about you abusing your children? I don't care whether he's depressed, on drugs or on another planet. No one gets to do that and still have a chance at a relationship. This must be very difficult and painful for you, but you'll be so much better off without him and his horrible family. Good luck with this next step, hope you can get real life support from your family and friends. x

It was clear that he said you hit the children from what your BIL said.

You are doing the right thing. He's not on your side, and that is a relationship killer.
Keep in mind that he is damaging the children with this behaviour. And he will probably lie to them as well.

I hope your DS has a good birthday.
And a hug for you.

I rang my parents, his showed up, the four of them talked about this accusation. My Dad said H just stared into space. He eventually left with his parents

^^ that is my FIL. He is a pathological liar. He told mil that the neighbour next door had made a pass at him. In fact it was the other way round. When the neighbour walked in his house and confronted him - he just stared in to space then got up and walked out. Didn't utter a word. He lied. He got cornered and just blanked every one. Mil took another 20 years to leave him, after years of abuse which he convinced her it was her fault. She finally left when she had cold hard facts he had cheated. If you had a tick sheet for a scociopath - he would tick every box.

You deserve better and so do your kds

I suspect your husband has some sort of disorder. His lack of conscience and empathy are alarming and has probably always been present. He told you that he claimed you hurt the kids to hurt you , and probably to get attention from you. The disordered are high conflict and seek to deliberately cause conflict. From your perspective you had a row. From his perspective he probably thoroughly enjoyed himself , getting intense pleasure from deliberately upsetting you. You might find this helpful in understanding what's going on neveraccept.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/smear-campaign_23.html

I think your about to see him , and his awful family with fresh eyes.

On phone so this will be short. Bad, he usually avoids confrontation. Just sulks. We are out for ds birthday. Its hard. I am so sad and so angry and I'm scared about the future. I just want my reliable dependable loyal husband to come back and hug me and tell me it will be OK. Fuck this. I still have bils stupid voice ringing in my head. She beats her kids. Prick.

Conflict can be overt or covert.

You had two weeks of conflict where he sulked at you. You've had several days of conflict, and he created more conflict when on the way home from the party he told you he had alleged you beat your kids. People who cause conflict are often not confrontational. Instead they act poorly and goad YOU into being confrontational. When you do , they claim you are being unreasonable and they are now the victim. This is exactly what happened on the way home from the party.

In your shoes I would examine carefully the conflict in your life and look where it's coming from. Possibly it's been going on a while but at such a low level you didn't notice. Certainly refusing to learn to drive , not being concerned about finances , being immature ect will have caused plenty of conflict between the two of you.

That makes sense I think. Thanks for the link. I'll have a look when kids in bed. I don't know if he is planning on staying away again tonight. I hope so as I don't want to speak to him any more without a third party present. The smallest things over the last few days have been twisted. Him taking something I said and making it into something else, and just making shit up. I just need to get away and stay away. I just hope the in laws don't show up to see ds this evening. I can't take any more of them for now but if I ask them not to come I am the unreasonable one.

I still have bils stupid voice ringing in my head. She beats her kids. Prick.

Yes, but this came from your HUSBAND. Remember the source.

He's not dependable or reliable. He may have presented that front. But he's not. He may have never been. And looking back you may be able to spot the signs.

Or he has a brain tumour - but then he should get himself treated.

I wouldn't leave it up to him to decide whether he is staying or not. He's been deciding enough lately.

I wouldn't let him decide where he's staying either.

Very glad you're getting out of it. This prick isn't worth the paper he's printed on. And I have a feeling that his lovely supportive shit-stirring mother is going to realise that, pretty soon, when she gets to see a lot more of him than she bargained for, and less of you and your influence in the family.

The other thing that I would do, apart from housing, finances, etc. - is call Social Services. I would tell them that you are separating from your husband and one of the reasons is that he has told a lot of lies about you to your respective families, one being that you hit your children.

I would want something here on record, firstly to let him know that actually, what he has done is made a serious, malicious accusation against you, something that could have awful consequences. Secondly, it protects you somewhat if things get nasty and either him or his frankly awful family decide to shit stir. And thirdly, it will show him that you are going to be utterly gloves off about protecting and shielding him in any way in the future. He's fucked up, he's on his own, and if he tries any nonsense, he's going straight to the wolves.

He is a despicable little shit, by the way. You are doing the right thing. A crap husband and a crap father.

I agree -please try to get a written record of these malicious accusations. you may just need them in the future

Castle is right. You really do need to take steps to protect yourself. For all you know he may have visited the gp to chat and get advice about your depression. You really don't know just how far this has gone. I suspect he's been running you down to his family for a while .

I would instigate a very calm conversation about this with the simple aim of getting him to admit he told these lies. And I'd record it and send it to someone you trust. Don't ever tell him this. When your husband is faced with the police , or social services at the door , do you think he is going to admit to having made the entire thing up ?

Also consider the advice his family will be giving him. You are abusive , financially and physically. You beat your kids apparently. They are going to tell HIM to protect himself , to take charge of the finances , to divorce you, and the really serious issue , that your kids must be protected from you. You simply cannot state to people that your children are being abused without being expected to take some action.

Thanks everyone. You are all right. I need to start protecting myself.

I feel strong tonight. I was shockingly polite to him all day. Then when we got home we were getting kids ready for bed and I realised he thought he was staying here. Idiot. The look on his face when I casually said he should make sure he has what he needs packed before kids go down. He went into a huff straight away. This only made me happy if I'm honest. Is he trying to show me what I'll be missing or what? Then before he left he came back in to say he was upset to see me looking at my phone today and smiling. Is he for real? I smiled for my son because it was his birthday ffs. I was taking pics of the kids and looking at them. He also said to me "there were more lies from you last night". Apparently I blackmailed him into coming home instead of staying at BILs house the other night. I'm not even going to bore you all with the details of what actually happened because IT DOESN'T MATTER anymore. I need to stop giving a shit what he says now. People know me and they won't believe his lies.

I think I will start packing tomorrow evening. I am in college til 4. H will be calling to see kids at 7 before bed. I need to get out of this house as he thinks he can just come and see them whenever he wants. If he's leaving then he needs to f off out of my life. He can see the kids at an agreed time. If he has a problem with it then tough, he should have thought of this before he wrecked our marriage. He did this himself.

Being on my own will be a doddle compared to putting up with his crap anyway.

He's gas lighting you and probably has been for some time . Your meant to start defending and justifying yourself to him. It's abusive. I would try very hard not to respond to these daft claims that you said or did this or that.

I would do what I could to find hard evidence of his lying (not just on this matter) because if he decides to take this matter of abuse further it will be very difficult to defend. It is not possible to prove a negative, ie that you haven't done something. If he is lying about this, then there will probably be plenty other examples, and this would undermine his credibility.

Goodness knows what happened/he did to spark this off, but it hardly matters now.

In an earlier post you made a point of stating your 'bad points', (which are normal, human feelings and reactions to stress and not bad at all), which makes me think you're a perfect candidate for a guilt trip. Please don't let that happen. Will you take a few minutes out of this nightmare to remind yourself of all your good points? Just to balance the books.

You are doing brilliantly OP.

Go and see a solicitor pronto. Ask your parents if they would be prepared to speak if necessary about the fact that they know he has been lying.

Above all, make sure that you make this very official, very quickly.

Please don't even think about giving him another chance, no matter what pity story he comes up with. The man is a compulsive liar, and told people that you BEAT your CHILDREN.

That is unforgiveable. There is nothing in this world that can ever undo what he did.

I think you need to start keeping a diary setting out everything he's doing, every day. That has evidential value. You also need to write up what he's done so far, and visit your GP and talk about it and your concerns for his mental health, and your concerns about his manipulations and delusions and the impact on the kids.

I agree hard evidence on lies is useful, but I also think you need someone present from now on when you spend time with him, so he can't invent stories without an independent witness to refute them.

His family won't know what to believe, but odds are they will believe him even after realising he is bonkers where they are concerned, because that is what is easiest for them to think, after behaving so badly themselves.

Please don't even think about giving him another chance, no matter what pity story he comes up with. The man is a compulsive liar, and told people that you BEAT your CHILDREN.

This. He is risking you losing your children. They are 1 and 3 and he is saying that you beat them. There is no comeback from that.

It is not possible to prove a negative, ie that you haven't done something.
True, but he would also have to prove that you have done something.
As many women in abusive relationships have found out.

As in for example, if he thought you were such a bad mother, why would he be planning a lads' trip away?

Absolutely, but it can be very uphill.

I know of someone who lies a lot and who resorts to reporting people to the police for abusive language/behaviour/hitting her when none of these things have taken place, but people are powerless whilst investigations take place, and then they just say they cannot find evidence. It is hard. We find the talking to her only with witnesses very good advice. Specific hard evidence is good too. (otherwise, keep out of her radar)

Thanks everyone for the advice. H is up to something. At the moment he is trying to take all the money. Also wants to see receipts for everything I am spending money on.

Once he has all the money I think he is going to turn his attention to taking the kids. I am not going to post on here any more as he knows I look at mumsnet so he might find this. If anyone has any ideas on how I can protect myself and the kids please pm me. He is not stable enough to have our kids but he is a good liar. And his best friend is a solicitor so he will be milking him for free advice. My head is a mess.

Thanks everyone for your support on here over the last week. Over and out.

Do you have joint accounts then?

This is precisely why I'm always amazed that MN sees joint accounts as being desired. I don't!

If anything happened between DH and I then I have my own savings and current accounts that he could drain.

We have always just used his bank account. We agreed one of us would have to stay at home because of the cost of childcare and he was more than happy for it to be me. We agreed to share finances. We agreed I would manage money and get bills paid (because he is shite with money). Now all of a sudden its HIS money and I must show him receipts for anything that's spent. Ds needs new shoes. H is insisting that the ones he got as a gift will do him. Even though last week when we were still together he said those shoes had zero support and he would need new ones. Ds is complaining that his feet hurt. What a great dad.