Please help me get some perspective on this. In laws and DH. Long

[tiredandconfused1]

Hi. I read a lot here but don't post. I really need some advice here I am just so upset and confused at the moment. I don't know if I want to stay in my marriage or continue my relationship with my MIL.

It may seem silly to some but I am actually so upset over this. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws. DH and I haven't been getting on that great at all recently. We have small kids. Anyway DH has hardly spoken to me the last two weeks. He denies this. Very off hand with me, dirty looks, one word answers and no attempts at making conversation. If I ask him what's wrong I get "nothing wrong" in a snappy tone.

It all came to a head on Sunday and we had a row. In laws were around and he spoke to MIL in private. He was quite upset/angry and wouldn't tell me what he said just that he was upset, talked to MIL and that she was now upset and very angry with me. He refused point blank to tell me what he said.

Last night I managed to get out of him that he told her I couldn't cope with the kids. This is not true. I have been stressed the last while over money, DH refusing to learn to drive so that we can move to a more affordable area before kids start school, and DH's overall immaturity and lack of concern for finances or the future. Feel like I am responsible for everything and have no one to share my worries with. I could write another thread on this.

Needless to say I was upset that he said that. I have no problem coping with the kids, it's tough sometimes as they are still small but I'm managing fine.

So today my mother informs me that MIL rang her Sunday night. Went on a big rant about me. Has diagnosed me with PND. Told her several other things. Then told DH and my mother not to tell me about phone call or that they had been sharing/discussing my "issues".

So between my mother and DH I have managed to painstakingly extracted some details of the conversation between DH and MIL on Sunday.

I'll just say that he has painted me in a very bad light. He said a lot of things that make me look bad but conveniently left out important details so that I seem a lot worse and he is the innocent party. Some of the things he said are just not true.

MIL has the biggest mouth in the world and has already repeated everything to the rest of the ILs, to my mother, and probably everyone else she has encountered since Sunday. I am pissed off with her over the phone call, trying to get DH and my DM to keep it all from me, and I am so upset with DH. Because of the things he said and also because he point blank refused to tell me what he said to MIL, which she is now broadcasting to half the town. He didn't tell me until he had to (I already knew a few bits from my DM and bluffed). He is still guarding his phone which makes me think there is more he hasn't told me about. I feel sick wondering what else he has said about me.

We talked and agreed that if he has told me everything we will try and get passed it. But now that I realise he is probably hiding more I don't know if I can. I feel so betrayed.

I don't know what to do or how to make this better. Any advice welcome.

Sorry its so long.

Thanks for reading.

Hm. It looks like some perspective is needed here. Ideas of infidelity, money worries, etc., are rather conjectural!

Clearly, your DH is upset about something. It could be anything, including stress from pressure on him to be a breadwinner and learning to do things that scare him, like driving, or facing up to the fact that he's a grown-up now and has to do grown-up things (seemingly against his instincts!)

The fact that he whinged to his DM and that he wouldn't tell you what he said (because of course he will have exaggerated to get sympathy and is now embarrassed) is just a by-product of the thing that is upsetting him.

Ironically, the thing that's bothering you and causing you to post is all the Chinese whispers between you, your MIL and your DM. All that stuff will blow over. What's important here is what is upsetting your DH. Until you find that out, these sorts of upsets will keep happening.

In order to find out what is upsetting him, you need to talk to him. If you can't get him to open up either on your own or even with your MIL's help (ask her for help?! Am I mad?!) then I strongly advise that you try some sort of couples' counselling such as RELATE. If he won't open to you, he might open up to a professional, or he might be more likely to open up if he sees that you're serious about listening.

Then you can make the decision about whether you want to be there while he works through whatever is upsetting him, or whether you can adjust your behaviour to help him, or whether actually the thing that's upsetting him is just so serious (e.g. OW) that you need to get out of there. Bad feelings and petty family squabbles are not a reason on their own to break up a marriage.

Do you think you can broach the subject of finding out what's upsetting your DH with him?

It sounds very much like you have several frustrations about your DH's lack of help with everything/lack of loyalty to you, together with struggling to understand why his family thinks the sun shines out of his arse so you are the one getting blamed for everything?

I hear you.

It's bloody difficult to deal with family politics when there is so much about your day to day life with your DH which frustrates you. Particularly if he is going to his family and criticising you while he comes out of it all looking like some kind of saint.

However, it's understandable that he might want to sound off to his mum and understandable that she might want to support her son but it's totally out of order for her to start calling around extended family, and your family, to stir things up even more.

He should be supporting you and protecting you against this at the very least.

and what Keptmanskeeper said, counselling might be a good place to start.

We agreed to try counselling last night. I was feeling stronger then though. Right now I don't feel like I can do it. I don't know if I want to try anymore. But breaking up will be such an ordeal too. I just want it all to go away.

Chin up!

A little effort on your part now will make it all better in the long run, whichever way you go.

Doing nothing now will just drain you further later on.

Get some rest. Speak to people who support and strengthen you and then face your DH and say you want to understand and to make it work and that you'll do your best not to judge and to do what you can to help. You giving that little bit could be just the catalyst to getting him to open up and give much more back.

Good luck!
www.relate.org.uk - the link for the relationship counselling service

I agree with keptmanskeeper here.

He does seem to be stressed about something and it has not helped that he has gone to his mother and tried to keep what was said from you. Talking to her does suggest that he has issues about having to drive and doing the more grown up things like you want from him. He may have done something silly a couple of weeks ago that has made this harder (or maybe not) and may have had trouble expressing himself properly when discussing things (you say you have to work round things to prevent sulking) and boxed himself into a situation he is not happy with.

Counselling so you can talk to each other looks the best way, then you can decide what to do with some idea of what is going on.

How would you feel about sending your mil a text saying that you are well aware that your DH had a massive woe is me whinge to her, but that she has no business taking it as gospel and slandering you to all and sundry, and that she needs to grow up, realise her son isn't a little boy who needs mummy to shoo away all the thinks that aren't to his liking and to keep her mouth shut and wind her neck in.

for strength!

Communicate by email or text with MIL. That way she doesn't have to see you upset.

Ask her innocently 'you seem to be upset with me and having lots of conversations with various people about me. Can you explain what the problem is because I have no idea at all and your behaviour doesn't seem rational. Also sadly DH is acting unreasonable/sulking/being uncommunicative which isn't helping'

From your update, I wouldn't be surprised if she mentioned the babysitting issue and he blamed it all on you, plus dropped a few bombshells so that he diverted attention from MIL to you.

Still a twat.

Give counselling a go. I think it's ok.
But he should be able to bloody tell you what on earth he is supposed to be upset about. Maybe it's just that you are actually expecting things from him and he's not prepared to meet them.

Or text her

'Hi MIL, I know DH had a massive whinge to you recently. Obviously, he was in a very bad mood and still is. I'm rather concerned that you are not helping him by having lots of secret discussions with people. You also seem rather off with me. I don't know what ive done to be honest. Can you tell me what the problem is.

With regard to the MIL question, perhaps just contacting her to say that you're hurt by the discussions that are going on about you is the way forward. She doesn't seem the type to realise that other people have feelings, so perhaps reminding her of this and that you really are doing your best and that you'd love to have her as an ally will appeal to her better side.

I think being defensive or abusive to her will just fuel the fire. Perhaps ask her how her relationship with her DH worked/changed when she had her children - see if she can go from gossiper to advice-giver. Everyone loves to feel needed/respected.

You poor thing. It's hard being the one always having to give, give, give. However, keep your heart and mind open and you'll get through this.

Thank you all for the wonderful advice. You are all talking so much sense. I know what you all mean about talking to MIL. It needs to be done. I have spoken to my parents (and I know this sounds childish), they are going to meet with his parents and get my side of the story across. Before the BILs do at the weekend. I just don't think I will be able to hold it together if the going gets tough. I would like to be there myself but I just can't.

It would also appear that DH kept the pity party going after Sunday. I found out Sunday night after row that he is planning a trip away to another country for a weekend with the lads in March. He had a good bit of it arranged before I found out. MIL has offered to pay for some of it. We had another row about this as I would rather see money spent on something we desperately need such as driving lessons for him, money towards a deposit for a house which we are desperately trying to secure (for a house in the cheaper area we would like to live in. MIL was not impressed that I was "not letting him go", said he should go anyway. I can't control what he does. This is what he told me. This changes things a lot. Originally I thought all the nasty things were said about me in a spur of the moment type situation, but he was still ringing her over the next couple of days moaning on about my many bad points/issues/him not getting his lads weekend abroad WHEN WE WERE TRYING TO SORT THINGS OUT and he knew how upset he was about in laws thinking I am a monster. I am starting to think he really does not give a crap about me. He is treating me like a complete fool.

Sorry if above paragraph is hard to read or doesn't make sense. I feel angry again. I wonder if MIL told him to tell me to stay at home from BILs do?

I don't think I want to try anymore. We have had a couple of rough patches and the big thing that pulled me through was knowing that he would always be there for me and would always be in my corner. I don't feel that anymore. I feel like he has more or less instigated a hate campaign against me.

I've only read the first few posts so I could be way off the mark, but hey ho, I'll say it anyway.

My reaction to your initial post is that your husband is setting himself up to leave you - probably in circumstances which for the average person will paint him in a bad light (I'm thinking affair) - so he's doing what he can to get people around him on side so that when he leaves, he's able to justify his shitty behaviour towards you.

That would be fairly typical affair behaviour - inability to accept responsibility for own actions, a bit of gaslighting (you're not coping when you know you are) thrown in to make you nervous that your children could be removed from you so he has some kind of calculated upper hand, crappy behaviour in the weeks leading up to leaving because mentally, he's already gone and is just waiting for all his ducks to be lined up in a row.

I would just boot the backstabbing bastard out on his arse tonight, and give them all something genuine to complain about, but then I am a crabby bitch!

Felicity, you just made me laugh for the first time since all this has happened. Thank you. And thank you for the advice. I'm thinking about it.

Fedup, I know it looks that way but still after everything I just can't believe he would do that. This whole thing. This is not who I thought he was. Yes, I know I sound a right fool.

You're welcome I have read a saying on here a good few times and its " when someone tells you who they are, listen to them"…

Agree with Felicity - tell him to sling his hook and get rid. If you really do feel like you don't want to try, then start planning.

Whatever he has said to MIL, he has been careful to cast himself in the role of victim.

What is your relationship with FIL like normally? I would certainly attend this get-together at BIL's, why should you be excluded.

If DH is the sort of partner who gladly takes a back seat and always lets you take the initiative, it must cut to the quick if he has portrayed you as controlling. Him mentioning PND and her extreme reaction and her hurry to contact your DM must have planted a seed in MIL's head you are perhaps acting erratically or even to the point of causing someone (him? DCs?) physical harm.

If this has not been simmering for some time I would hazard a guess at some recent habit, gambling maybe, or something to do with family finances.

Surely if you have PND the last thing he should be doing would be to go on a trip with the lads. And the MIL should support you not being angry with you.
They all sound awful.

I do think there are only so many chances you can give people, and I'd be tempted to have his bags packed and shipped to ILs and locks changed, and a solicitor enrolled by the time he gets back from the trip.

Just noticed it's in March, so that would be the latest.

Well, another update. I spoke to my parents. My mother told me everything that MIL told her on the phone. To sum it up, I am abusive. Financially, emotionally and physically. I am neglectful of my children. Ignore them and leave them and DH without food. There is lots more. It's like an episode of Jeremy Kyle.

I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. I know this sounds dramatic but I don't feel comfortable alone in the house with him. This is not the man I married. I don't know if he is mentally unwell or has a brain tumor or what the fuck. He is a stranger to me. I feel like my life and my future are just crumbling before my eyes. Why does he hate me so much? How can he do this? Does he believe this shit or something? Is he so desperate for sympathy?

If I was MIL I would be seriously pissed with me too after being told all that.

I am going to have a talk with them tomorrow.

I see no future for me and DH. I feel like he is just gone. Ceased to exist.

Three short words - BSM. He needs to learn to drive and man up

Sounds like he's laying groundwork to leave, making everything unbearable at home to justify it. When poverty comes in through the door, love goes out of the window. You could call Jeremy Kyle, I hear he's good. Sadly I work so won't be at home to watch the episode when it airs, I guess I can SkyPlus it

Can you find any better paying work, or get any help from friends and family? The guy sounds as stable as Nigeria IMHO. There could be other issues he is hiding, perhaps work is preparing to sack him, there's money problems, or more likely OW. If you confront him, he may switch on you, so be careful.