Please help me get some perspective on this. In laws and DH. Long

[tiredandconfused1]

Hi. I read a lot here but don't post. I really need some advice here I am just so upset and confused at the moment. I don't know if I want to stay in my marriage or continue my relationship with my MIL.

It may seem silly to some but I am actually so upset over this. I have always had a good relationship with my in laws. DH and I haven't been getting on that great at all recently. We have small kids. Anyway DH has hardly spoken to me the last two weeks. He denies this. Very off hand with me, dirty looks, one word answers and no attempts at making conversation. If I ask him what's wrong I get "nothing wrong" in a snappy tone.

It all came to a head on Sunday and we had a row. In laws were around and he spoke to MIL in private. He was quite upset/angry and wouldn't tell me what he said just that he was upset, talked to MIL and that she was now upset and very angry with me. He refused point blank to tell me what he said.

Last night I managed to get out of him that he told her I couldn't cope with the kids. This is not true. I have been stressed the last while over money, DH refusing to learn to drive so that we can move to a more affordable area before kids start school, and DH's overall immaturity and lack of concern for finances or the future. Feel like I am responsible for everything and have no one to share my worries with. I could write another thread on this.

Needless to say I was upset that he said that. I have no problem coping with the kids, it's tough sometimes as they are still small but I'm managing fine.

So today my mother informs me that MIL rang her Sunday night. Went on a big rant about me. Has diagnosed me with PND. Told her several other things. Then told DH and my mother not to tell me about phone call or that they had been sharing/discussing my "issues".

So between my mother and DH I have managed to painstakingly extracted some details of the conversation between DH and MIL on Sunday.

I'll just say that he has painted me in a very bad light. He said a lot of things that make me look bad but conveniently left out important details so that I seem a lot worse and he is the innocent party. Some of the things he said are just not true.

MIL has the biggest mouth in the world and has already repeated everything to the rest of the ILs, to my mother, and probably everyone else she has encountered since Sunday. I am pissed off with her over the phone call, trying to get DH and my DM to keep it all from me, and I am so upset with DH. Because of the things he said and also because he point blank refused to tell me what he said to MIL, which she is now broadcasting to half the town. He didn't tell me until he had to (I already knew a few bits from my DM and bluffed). He is still guarding his phone which makes me think there is more he hasn't told me about. I feel sick wondering what else he has said about me.

We talked and agreed that if he has told me everything we will try and get passed it. But now that I realise he is probably hiding more I don't know if I can. I feel so betrayed.

I don't know what to do or how to make this better. Any advice welcome.

Sorry its so long.

Thanks for reading.

I should add that I don't think there is an OW. We are both open, I would use his phone to text off sometimes (he has free texts), and I have no prob with him reading my texts, emails etc. I know some people think it's awful but usually there is nothing to hide and it's not done in a suspicious way, more of a checking emails to see his working hours because it's easier than calling him at work to ask if he's working at the weekend. He has access to all mine too. The phone guarding has only started since this happened.

So he's guarding his phone because of his mother ringing?

Don't know what to do with it now
Just go through it with a fine tooth combe.
He'll be heading home soon to get it when he realises he doesn't have it.
Send anything incriminating to your own phone.
Screen shot what you need to.
Check for weird names in the contacts list as well.
Check what he has been texting his DM!!

Why are you angry at your MIL?

He's the one who's spoken to her, and NOT you, even though he didn't plan it.
He's the one who still won't talk to you about what he said, and his "problems" with you.
He's the one who is checking out on the family.

And I bet now he'll be very happy that you and MIL won't talk, so that he can show them you're unreasonable.
I'd go with him and put it out in the open what he's been saying about you.

Your 'D'H needs to grow up and stop tittle tattling to Mummy every time life doesn't go his way.

Stay strong and try to keep the lines of communication open between you and him. Stand your ground and don't let your MIL come between you (easier said than done, I know).

I'd definitely be going to that family get together and if anyone dared mention any 'problems, I'd do what Castlemilk suggests and let everyone know the truth about his refusal to learn to drive etc.

MIL is acting as a 3rd person in your relationship at the moment. If I was a mother in this position, I would have listened and asked him to think about what he was going to do about it, and bounced him back to his wife.

You both need to do what you can to keep the lines of communication open between you like horsemad says, and repair that.

As for the party, he must not go without you. If you can sort things out between yourselves and present a sufficiently united front, then go together. If not, then don't go and certainly do not let him take the children without you.

If you can get things going, you may find out what is behind this. He obviously has a problem with you because you (ie your existance) are making his life difficult, because he has done something that he does not want to be found out IYSWIM.

Ok MIL rang his phone so I sent a text back saying "sorry can't answer now, are you ok?"

He may well have rang her already to warn her not to text but I don't think I care.

To answer the OPs question, I am angry with my MIL for deciding that I have post natal depression, for ringing my mother and telling her that and other things. I suspect what she said was very nasty as my mother was very offhand with me on Monday. I couldn't figure out why. She asked my mother not to tell me about phone call and for some reason DM agreed. I also feel betrayed by my DM that she took so long to tell me. I now feel I have no one I can talk to which is why I am here. The timing of the call means MIL rang the minute she got in the door. Even if DH was the innocent victim the phone call would not have benefited him in any way. It was meant purely to cause trouble for me with my own family. I think she actually wanted to get them on her "side". She is an extremely childish woman btw. Have seen her pettiness is the past with others.

Go to the do. For a start you can then keep an ear out for what's being said on the quiet and he can't play the perfect Dad taking his children out while dreadful wife stays at home card.
I cry when I get angry, I annoy myself doing it!
Can you practice an aloof smile and have a calming mantra to hand if anyone starts?

You should stay home and he take the kids? Really? So he can show once again to his family that you're not coping. I would be concerned that he's up to something longer term. And I wouldn't want the kids there on their own with MIL badmouthing me. I'd send him by himself. And work out whether you actually want to be with this person anymore.

You've got to go to BIL's "Get together", if you don't DH's lies take on even more credibility and you will find it even harder to convince people of the truth. If you don't think you can speak to people then send a letter to everyone who has been told the lie. No doubt they'll read the contents and then discuss it amongst themselves and that's when DH's carefully crafted lies will fall apart. As for DH not wanting you to go, of course he doesn't want you to be in a position to correct his lies. He'll look such a fool when the truth comes out.

Probably he has told massive lies about you and doesn't want to be found out as the source of them.

I disagree that you need to speak to the MIL. Why? She isn't the problem here. Its your DH. Its none of your MIL's business. The gossip she spreads has come from your DH's mouth. Your MIL is not the problem here, its your DH.

So I would not speak to MIL, like I said its none of her business and you don't have to justify anything to her.

Also, I don't see what good can come out of you having your DH's phone and pretending to be him to his mother. This will not work out well for you, and will only add fuel to their belief that you are nuts.

Don't let him take the kids without you. This is a real red flag. Do not allow yourself to be excluded like this as though you have done something wrong. I had terrible in-law problems many years ago and I actually felt they were trying to take my own children from me. One of the ways they did this was by excluding me from events and insisting on having the children without my being present or just my DH as though I no longer existed.

You do need to stand your ground as if you give in on this occasion, more "occasions" will present themselves where you are not "invited" believe me.

"I don't think there is a way back for my relationship with MIL"

You don't have to have a relationship with someone who treats you this badly. If anything then just concentrate on the relationship you have with your husband, if you still think the marriage is worth saving.

I think you DO need to go to the get-together and if anything is said, be blunt about it. The likely-hood is that nothing will be said at all but you need to go there and be strong and face them because it is not you who has done wrong here.

I think you really do need to show your MIL (And your husband) that you can rise above their idiocy and that you are the mature one in all this.

What does your mum think? can you get some strength from her support?

Zippey you are right taking his phone out was a bad idea.

I'm going to go and drop it in to work to him.

I know I should just not care what MIL is saying about me and not care what other people think, but I do, I can't switch it off. She will be saying these things about me to my extended family. They know me and I doubt they will believe it but it is still so upsetting.

Anyway, I thought last night that me and DH could work through it. I don't know today. I want to but it was so disrespectful of him to refuse to tell me what he said about me. He would leave his family and everyone else to believe I'm a monster so we won't have to deal with me being angry and upset about what he said.

I just spoke to my mum. She said she never agreed to keep the phone call a secret but took DH aside and asked him to talk to me and tell me what was said first, which he didn't. Actually he said that MIL, himself and DM had all agreed not to mention it to me.

Message from MIL to DH telling him she is praying for us all. Which makes me think he "defended me" by saying I'm unwell and just need help and support. Though I don't know that.

I just don't know girls. How do you make the decision to end your marriage? The kids would be devastated.

My mother is now being very supportive. I think she was stressed on Monday as she wanted DH to tell me first. I didn't realise this til just now.

Thank you so much everyone, this thread is actually keeping me sane.

How to end your marriage?

Well, I think you could say 'in view of recent events I think it would beneficial for us to have some time apart'.

Sounds a good course of action to me.

It all sounds very conspiratorial, and if he really has concerns he should urge you to get support and talk to you properly about it.

Do you want to split up with him?

If you want to stay together then the problem with the 'time apart' thing is that he will be rushing straight back into the arms of his mother which could cause more damage.

However if you really think all is lost then time out may be a good idea.

Jeez.. he is doing a proper number on you isn't he.

the only way to deal with this is to leave him (or ask him to leave) regardless of you thinking you can work through this your H has planted a seed with his mother and subsequently his family about you, you will forever be wondering what has been said about you.

Any justifications or phone calls proclaiming he is lying will only make you appear to be wrong. The best possible way of dealing withit all is to remain quiet and get rid of him.

You deserve much better treatment than this, and also if you did have PND or any kind of depression the sneaking around talking behind your back would only make you feel even worse within yourself so either perspective he is being an arsehole.

The key point here is also that your MIL was angry with you after he talked to her.
If he was concerned, she would have probably been also concerned. Not angry.
That should show you the tone of his conversation. And why he doesn't want to tell you what it was about.

A further update, my mother told me something else on the phone. MIL said to her that I don't let MIL babysit. This is not true. DH doesn't bother asking her to babysit because she is always so late. Hours late so I don't blame him, but she seems to think it's all me not her precious son. After this I dropped in his phone to work. Asked him if there was anything else he hasn't told me. He said no, that's everything. Never mentioned the babysitting thing. Then said actually he doesn't remember what else he said. He has conveniently forgotten. Great. I said that he'd have to phone his mother back and ask her this evening then. It got a bit heated and he said that he meant everything he said to her anyway.

So I think that might be it for me. I think maybe he actually hates me and just doesn't have the balls to end it. I do still love him. I wish I didn't.

When my mother first suggested talking to the in laws to give a few home truths about their son I refused because I actually felt the need to protect him. His mother openly criticizes him, suggests he is a bit stupid etc quite a lot (she does this to a lot of people, no filter between brain and mouth). It really bothers him and I didn't want to make that worse. I feel so upset that I feel the need to protect him even though he just threw me to the lions and won't do a thing to try and fix it.

I always knew he had his bad points but honestly believed he had my back, would always be there for me and put me and the kids first. This is actually heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry for not replying to posts individually. My head is all over the place but thank you all so much for listening to me ramble on. It helps so much.