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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get over the resentment over lack of "engagement"?

94 replies

ethelb · 23/09/2014 17:08

In May I had a thread on here about a discussion I had with DP about setting a date to get married. He had said that sounded like a good idea. A few nights later I said to him that I wanted to seriously start asking round about what was a good date for our families, but he flipped his lid.

He said that we couldn't afford it (we can afford something small actually and I would be paying) and that it was irresponsible to organise a wedding when we didn't know what was happening with my job. This is true. Long story short I handed in my resignation two months later to run my business full time. I'm a few weeks in and it is going ok. He had just started a new job after two years of uncertainty following an earlier job loss.

He also made a huge big deal about how he didn't have a ring so how was he supposed to propose? I said that I didn't want a big Disney proposal, we have been together for nearly six years, have already discussed getting married at length (ie I kind of realised I wanted to get married about three years ago and him about two years ago). I thought we could just set a date and maybe get a ring if he was game.

He was unhappy with this saying that he wanted to have a story to tell people about our proposal. He also made a big deal over how he "didn't even know what kind of ring" I liked. I said I wasn't bothered but we could go looking if he wanted to. We spent a morning looking at styles a few days later. I settled on a few ideas.

Since then he has obviously, not proposed. And I'm starting to feel he never will. But partly due to his personality rather than not wanting to.

To add insult to injury I was asked when we were getting married FIVE TIMES in the space of a week a while back. I'm sick of just smiling and nodding. There really are very few reasons why we shouldn't be married. I'm getting very resentful of his demand that he proposes when I just can't believe he would ever get round to actually organising and doing it.

For example, we recently had a massive bust-up over the fact that he had said he would book a holiday this November for our 6th anniversairy. I have booked all previous holidays, and told him it was his turn. I would like to point out he took 2.5 years to actually get round to planning on booking this holiday. We sat down, decided on the hotel etc and he said he would book it. I asked him six weeks later if he had booked it, he said no and revealed he hadn't even booked the time off and I'm afraid to say I saw red. I absolutly lost it and had a massive go at him about how he never, ever plans or books anything and how if he can't book a hotel and flights how on earth I can believe that he will ever propose?

He booked the holiday and was very upset that he had upset me and admitted that he does make excuses to avoid doing things (he does), and I feel terrible about that.

However, today I booked some stuff in for his birthday this weekend and I'm so cross about how easy it was and how incredibly easy it would be for him to just fucking propose if he wants to do that so much. I'm resentful that I have organised something nice for him. I'm thinking of cancelling as I can't imagine enjoying it with him as I am so upset about his behaviour. How do I get over that?

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 24/09/2014 15:20

The only waste here is of what is left of your 20s. Been there, bought the tshirt. And burned it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/09/2014 15:58

You do not get over this kind of resentment.
Your wonderful relationship is a facade. He is in control of the foundation and structure of the important things: money, yes /no marriage, and time. This is the power and control of the relationship, he knows it, and he is not going to relinquish those things to you (which may key into his father's dynamic). He would have by now if he was going to, sorry.

It is hard to see beneath the surface/facade while you are in the middle of it and in your twenties.

Please do not settle for this. He is very disrespectful to you in agreeing to x, y, and z and then does nothing as if nothing were ever said. That is contempt. It is rude. And it very clearly tells you your place (as a second class citizen) in his scheme of things. This is the truth and reality of the relationship, and on some level, you know it to be true- thus your resentment.

Let him go. He is not a keeper.

WillowWoods · 24/09/2014 16:50

How embarrassing that he won't buy his round in the pub,he probably thinks that goes unnoticed. Very keen on the grand gesture though. Generosity emerging at birthdays,Christmas and Valentines, when he knows that people will ask what gifts he's given you.
Meanness is the ugliest of traits and I'd get out of this miserable existence,while you can.

Bluestocking · 24/09/2014 17:15

Completely agree with Willow about not buying rounds. There's someone in my extended family who does this - I'm sure he thinks no-one notices, but it's a standing joke with us all, and I know that his colleagues know and resent this too.

Come back, OP, and tell us what you're thinking.

IndiaKnightGarden · 24/09/2014 17:28

In the nicest possible way; I'd take the hint if I were you OP.

AnyFucker · 24/09/2014 17:29

I think people that consistently duck their round are some of the most despised people on this planet

For very good reason

Rafflesway · 24/09/2014 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

savemefromrickets · 25/09/2014 07:44

I've been in my relationship for several years and DP is scared of commitment. He's always saying that 'one day' he'll get over it which has left me hanging on. It's made me sad, frustrated, hurt and now resentful. Please don't do this to yourself.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 25/09/2014 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 25/09/2014 08:05

Quite simply, OP, if a person wants to do something and it is within their power and means, they will do it.

There is only one reason why he hasn't formally proposed and that is because he doesn't want to marry you.

That's it.

He might change his mind later on, who knows, but as it stands he does not see himself married to you.

But this is good news for you because you have come to a crossroads now and can carry on this path with him, or say goodbye, wish him well and go your own way into your own exciting future.

It's up to you. Don't wait for him to change because that probably won't ever happen. People really don't change that much unless there's some driving force and a real desire to change.

Catzeyess · 25/09/2014 08:17

U totally understand how you feel, my DH took 6 years to propose. It's horrible no knowing. For me it wasn't that I wanted to get married right now, it was more wanted to know we def had a future and I wasn't wasting time with him.

He eventually proposed on holiday and threw himself into planning, we got married 6-months later (at his instigation) it's like a switch went off on his head. He started talking about children soon after we got married. It has been lovely, he is a great husband, really commited.

Since we have talked about what took so long and a lot of it was he just wasn't ready to get married to anyone. It wasn't about me at all. He had a year of counselling before he proposed and sorted out some issues in himself

Catzeyess · 25/09/2014 08:21

Although I should say we didn't live together before we got engaged because I didn't want to so that makes it a bit different I think

SolidGoldBrass · 25/09/2014 17:26

I really don't get why some of you are so desperate to be married that you are asking for ways to make these useless, lazy, selfish men propose rather than dumping them and finding something more interesting and important to focus on. There is so much more to life than marriage.

rainbowinmyroom · 25/09/2014 17:28

There is so much more to life, too, than wasting time with stingy, lazy, inconsiderate twats.

The OP won't be back. Still thinking she will be the one to change this selfish twat, poor thing, he had a hard childhood. Boohoo.

Talk about flogging a dead horse.

cerealqueen · 25/09/2014 23:33

totally understand how you feel, my DH took 6 years to propose. It's horrible no knowing.

I could cry. Is it really the case that women are hanging on to a man to decide their future. Get a grip. Grow some balls and make your own decisions about YOUR life, rather than waiting for some tight arsed fucker to decide what happens.

Disengage now and get the fuck out of there.

darkness · 26/09/2014 06:50

Dear partner
Please do not propose.
It has become a massive issue...and I now hate you a little bit.
I don't know what you have been waiting for..but there is nothing..no sunset beautiful enough, no beach white enough, no piece of music romantic enough that I can get over you failing to care how you have knowingly hurt me.
As soon as you start to flex those knees I know I will have won...and lost at the same time.
Whatever you do it will not be romantic..it will be like putting icing on a t**d
How do you not know this? Do you really I think its the sunset I will remember. If you would like a good story to tell.. Let it be "the one that got away" .

NancyCracker · 26/09/2014 07:16

As PP have said, sorry OP he doesn't want to marry you. If he did, he would have proposed by now. You've got money for a holiday, he could easily say he was planning a holiday and use it to buy a ring. You could then set a date for 2 years time once you save up money. But he doesn't, because he doesn't want to.

But he's doing you a favour because you shouldn't be with someone stingy because it will cause rows. What if your kids need something? Or want something? And you've got the money. You have to ask him/explain to him/beg him/argue with him to use the money. What a miserable life that sounds.

LegoSuperstar · 26/09/2014 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gildedcage · 26/09/2014 14:15

Spot on Lego. This does not sound like the makings of a happy marriage. If it's hard work now imagine when you have a mortgage, kids and or illness to deal with.

Getting married should be a natural process because you love the other person.

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