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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to get over the resentment over lack of "engagement"?

94 replies

ethelb · 23/09/2014 17:08

In May I had a thread on here about a discussion I had with DP about setting a date to get married. He had said that sounded like a good idea. A few nights later I said to him that I wanted to seriously start asking round about what was a good date for our families, but he flipped his lid.

He said that we couldn't afford it (we can afford something small actually and I would be paying) and that it was irresponsible to organise a wedding when we didn't know what was happening with my job. This is true. Long story short I handed in my resignation two months later to run my business full time. I'm a few weeks in and it is going ok. He had just started a new job after two years of uncertainty following an earlier job loss.

He also made a huge big deal about how he didn't have a ring so how was he supposed to propose? I said that I didn't want a big Disney proposal, we have been together for nearly six years, have already discussed getting married at length (ie I kind of realised I wanted to get married about three years ago and him about two years ago). I thought we could just set a date and maybe get a ring if he was game.

He was unhappy with this saying that he wanted to have a story to tell people about our proposal. He also made a big deal over how he "didn't even know what kind of ring" I liked. I said I wasn't bothered but we could go looking if he wanted to. We spent a morning looking at styles a few days later. I settled on a few ideas.

Since then he has obviously, not proposed. And I'm starting to feel he never will. But partly due to his personality rather than not wanting to.

To add insult to injury I was asked when we were getting married FIVE TIMES in the space of a week a while back. I'm sick of just smiling and nodding. There really are very few reasons why we shouldn't be married. I'm getting very resentful of his demand that he proposes when I just can't believe he would ever get round to actually organising and doing it.

For example, we recently had a massive bust-up over the fact that he had said he would book a holiday this November for our 6th anniversairy. I have booked all previous holidays, and told him it was his turn. I would like to point out he took 2.5 years to actually get round to planning on booking this holiday. We sat down, decided on the hotel etc and he said he would book it. I asked him six weeks later if he had booked it, he said no and revealed he hadn't even booked the time off and I'm afraid to say I saw red. I absolutly lost it and had a massive go at him about how he never, ever plans or books anything and how if he can't book a hotel and flights how on earth I can believe that he will ever propose?

He booked the holiday and was very upset that he had upset me and admitted that he does make excuses to avoid doing things (he does), and I feel terrible about that.

However, today I booked some stuff in for his birthday this weekend and I'm so cross about how easy it was and how incredibly easy it would be for him to just fucking propose if he wants to do that so much. I'm resentful that I have organised something nice for him. I'm thinking of cancelling as I can't imagine enjoying it with him as I am so upset about his behaviour. How do I get over that?

OP posts:
MagnificentMaleficent · 23/09/2014 20:43

Don't end up like my friend. Married her cheating horrible manipulative DH after 14 years of begging, when she decided about 3 years in to the relationship she had invested too much time to start again.

Well she has the rest of her marriage to repent now doesn't she.

Although I don't think I need worry as I don't think he will ever marry you. And you should thank him for this. Really.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard · 23/09/2014 20:49

I was with a man like this. He was stingy too. When I finally gave up waiting for a commitment he let me go without so much as a backward glance. I was nice to have around for company and sex. It was very hard to admit to myself I had wasted many precious years of my life. I hear he is quite content. You are young enough to find what you want. If not, at least resentment will no be eating you up-

sunbathe · 23/09/2014 21:01

I spent 3 years of my late twenties living with a boyfriend. He would say things like 'I want to take my future wife to x' etc. Never offered to take me!

Eventually I left him and he accused me of "throwing away something really special'. Yes, 3 years of not being good enough to be his wife. What a waste.

AyMamita · 23/09/2014 21:06

27!!! Get out, get out, get out!!! He doesn't want to marry you, he is stingy, he won't do anything nice for you, he has daddy issues... get out! and did I mention LTB???

Gen35 · 23/09/2014 21:11

Yes really, what's holding you back from moving on? Do you have low self esteem issues? He doesn't sound like much of a catch and you should be having fun, not waiting for some proposal from a stingy bloke that can't organise himself.

Andcake · 23/09/2014 21:18

Give him a time frame then leave if he doesn't. However you'll have that doubt in your mind that he only married you because of pestering etc.
I had a dear male friend who spent 2 years being begged by his gf to propose( he did eventually) but as a friend a few times I asked him why he hadn't ( she would basically cry at the end of ny eve etc because he hadntConfused) his response was always he'd wouldn't be 'hand bagged into it'
I am not a fan of marriage can't see the point but if it's important to you you have to follow your dreams.

gildedcage · 23/09/2014 21:18

Personally I told my husband that I wanted to get married and that it was a deal breaker to me. Frankly no one has time to waste we all only have one life. Its his perogative to not get married if he doesn't want to. You say its not as easy as that but it is...unless you've got kids...then its harder but again still fairly straight forward.

I told my dh what I wanted and then didn't mention it again. In my mind I had a date that I could not pass without an engagement, and by that I meant a proposal and booked the church etc and I wasn't prepared to be engaged for more than a year. I didn't give him an ultimatum rather I gave myself one. There was no forcing and I knew he did it because he wanted to.

I have heard loads of stories of friends sticking with people for years and years waiting for a proposal only to break up and him to get engaged within 6 months. If he wanted to marry you he would and no money or ring would stop that. For what it's worth my dh asked me with a ring pull from a can of coke and we chose a ring together.

Believe that your worth more than this and so will he. There are millions of men out there and others who won't have to be forced into marrying you.

Bluestocking · 23/09/2014 21:30

You poor thing, OP, you've been with this dreary stingebag all your adult life - it doesn't have to be like this, you know. Make today the day you realise that the fact that he just isn't that into you is the the best thing he's ever done for you, and make plans to kick his halfhearted mithering (and his motheaten wallet) to the nearest kerb.

Fairenuff · 23/09/2014 21:43

Don't marry him.

He's not the one for you and whilst you are married to him you will miss out on meeting a fantastic man who will love you fully and respect your feelings.

He is doing you a favour by dragging his heels.

He is a) telling you by his actions that he doesn't want to marry you and b) saving you from getting further involved in this unequal partnership.

Go on, get out and start living!

wfielder · 23/09/2014 21:56

OP, I hope you don't feel too overwhelmed by the responses on here, so easy for us to advise you what to do when we don't know him and it's not our life.

Lots of luck with whatever you decide.

AnyFucker · 23/09/2014 22:00

OP must have a hide of teflon, tbh

her partner has been signposting his disrespect for her for a very long time, it has to be said

gildedcage · 23/09/2014 22:07

Its always easy to tell someone what to do, same as its not easy to hear the truth.

Sadly I think OP would jump at the chance to marry this time thief and imagine that she'll stay with him regardless. Only she has to live with her choices. Ultimately though she asked for opinions and opinions she got.

BarbarianMum · 23/09/2014 22:15

I remember your earlier threads.

OP I'm going to be blunt. Whether you drag him on holiday, into marriage or into fatherhood, this man will not make you happy. All relationships need effort to make them work but it really, really shouldn't be this hard.

Love isn't a battle ground. No shame in admitting defeat and walking away.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/09/2014 22:33

This man has no intention of marrying you. He's probably got no intention of marrying at all - at least until he's a lot older and his looks are going and he's running out of time to make his fortune, at which point he will 'permit' his latest (young, dim and desperate) girlfriend to 'tie him down'.

Because what he likes is having a woman around for company, sex and housework PLUS the knowledge that she wants to marry him and therefore will do her best to indulge his every whim as long as he can convince her that sooner or later, marriage will happen. At the same time he wants to have his options open should a younger, richer, prettier or even more dim and desperate woman appear. And most of all, he likes the fact that the woman's craving for The Proposal acts as a dogwhistle. He can offer it or withold it to make her behave the way he wants her to, and that's too big an advantage to give up.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 23/09/2014 23:49

I feel for you OP Thanks. I'm in a similar situation and it's horrible. I posted on here last week about how DP had said he doesn't want to marry me after years of 'one day'. It came out after I questioned him as he always said exactly what your DP does - that he needs a ring, he wants to propose and that it should be a surprise and HE should be the one to ask me, not the other way around. So after posting about it on here and getting some good responses and advice I talked to him about it again WRT getting legal advice re our finances, etc and he said actually he does want to marry me and spend his life with me but he feels he has nothing to offer at the moment Confused.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, what I'm trying to say is I understand how crap it feels, I'm constantly wondering what I need to do/how to behave to make him want to marry me now. I've spelled it out- don't care about fancy proposals, not fussed about a big white wedding or expensive honeymoon, I just want to be his wife. It hasn't been mentioned since and I'm bubbling over with resentment again as he just carries on as normal and I feel I'm left in limbo. People can say LTB all they like and that you could do better than to waste your time but only you know him here. He's not coming across in a great light but neither is my DP from what I've said but I know he's a wonderful man really and it would be a tough decision to walk away over that.

Scoopmuckdizzy · 23/09/2014 23:55

I'm the same age as you OP, and what seems to make it all seem so much worse is a lot of my friends seem to be getting married at the moment, facebook seems to be full of wedding photos and engagement announcements and people joke about when it's our turn which does hurt. I feel like directing them to DP to see if they can get any clearer answer than I've managed.

ImperialBlether · 23/09/2014 23:55

What's that thing, where you feel you've invested so much into something that to give it up would be wasteful? That's what you're doing OP. You even say it: "I feel I can stay and be a bit resentful or leave. But I feel that would be a waste."

Better a waste than to live like that.

I would be completely embarrassed by a man who has to be persuaded to pay his round in a pub. He's happy to take a drink off others, though, isn't he? Can't you see that everyone talks about him, laughs about him and thinks he's mean? Do you want to live like that?

Also, the thought of you alone paying for your wedding is the saddest thing I've heard. He's mean as hell and still won't agree to get married even though you're paying. He's awful.

rainbowinmyroom · 23/09/2014 23:56

Wonderful people do not cause their partners so much unhappiness.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 24/09/2014 00:12

Honestly OP, you should be happy that this mean, selfish little man hasn't married you. I'm thinking THANK GOD you're not married to him!

savemefromrickets · 24/09/2014 00:39

Don't be the right now girl. I'm pretty sure that's what I am, and it's not fun. Feeling like you're not his priority will eat you up and change you (not for the better).

You are young. You have the time to have kids and a life with someone who really loves you and values you.

gildedcage · 24/09/2014 07:14

OP and scoop why would they marry you? ? They've got what they want, no need to do anything, after all you'll stay (regardless of the resentment etc).

I wonder what would happen if you shook things up? ? Scoop you mentioned lawyers and he got frightened and decided he did want to marry you, let me guess you didn't get things sorted legally?? You're still hanging around waiting for him.

Why don't you think you're worth more than this? Sorry but they don't come across as great...the exact opposite. As I said before time thiefs. No intention of getting married and stringing you along. How much more of your own time will you waste?

Fairenuff · 24/09/2014 07:56

OP did you even realise that he can control your behaviour with the 'carrot' of a promise of proposal? Did you realise that. Or were you just reacting to it?

Think about it.

Hatespiders · 24/09/2014 09:35

Man and woman meet. They fall in love. They each want to make the other happy in every way. They make enormous efforts to please each other and be helpful, supportive, affectionate, kind and generous. Soon the man wants this superb lady as his wife. He can't wait to ask her to marry him. He has already bought the ring. He's thrilled when she accepts with joy. He can't wait for their big day. He can't spend enough to make the ceremony and the honeymoon fantastically magical.
Is this you two? No?
Leave.

OliveGreen · 24/09/2014 11:22

I've just ended a relationship that meant a great deal to me - it's really hard but I found this www.goodtherapy.org/blog/ambivalence-in-relationships/ very helpful to read. It's an exhausting dance to be involved in, OP…good luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/09/2014 11:33

what happened to you, that you would go full pelt after something so utterly shit?

THIS ^^ WITH BELLS ON!!