Christmas and the In-Laws!

[RegTheMonkey1]

Normally husband spend Christmas and New Year at home with just the two of us. My parents are dead and his parents live about 300 miles away from us. They normally host the grandkids (husband's brother's children) at Christmas anyway and enjoy having them. However, grandkids are now young men with their own partners and will be doing their own thing this year.

Husband has suggested we spend the Christmas week (WEEK!!!) with his parents. His father has had cancer, and is currently having tests to see if it has come back. His mother is losing her sight. They are both very elderly, though still fit and active, apart from these two problem areas.

The problem is - guess what - the mother-in-law. She is very spoiled and entitled and has a strict set of 'rules' that the family has to live by, although when confronted about this, denies it. Just a few examples before I get to my question:

If we go out for lunch and have a hot meal, then only a sandwich will be served at dinner time. If we go out for lunch and have a sandwich, then we are allowed to have a hot meal at home for dinner. Husband is a very active man and has a healthy appetite. He went down last week to visit them and encountered the hot/cold meal thing. So in the evening after a day out walking, he saw they were making tiny wee sandwiches for dinner (because they had a hot lunch!) and he had to ask his mother if it was alright for him to make himself an omelette. On a special birthday visit we were out for the day, going round a small town looking for a suitable lunch place, none would do for the MIL, she kept vetoing everywhere. Eventually husband rebelled, picked a bistro and said 'this will do'. We got in found a table, she had the menu read to her and said 'I don't like this, I want to go.' So everyone trooped out and round the corner was a quaint 'ye olde worlde tea shoppe' tourist trap place where she said everyone could have tea and scones. Husband, by this time reeling from hunger, snapped 'I don't want a scone!' And she said, well we're having the hot birthday meal tonight, so no one should be having a hot lunch anyway'.

One final example: we (husband, me, FIL) wanted to see a particular programme on tv. Normally she controls the tv viewing. When it came on she started saying 'what is this? no one wants to see this, do they?'. FIL was about to cave in and we stepped in and said that we all wanted to see it. Cue much huffing and sighing from MIL, who threw her head back on her chair and shut her eyes, sighing heavily throughout the programme. FIL's only show he gets to see is Dr Who, but because she doesn't like it she makes a huge show about 'having to leave the room and sit upstairs alone in the bedroom' while it is on.

Still with me? So - how THE HELL am I going to put up with this sort of behaviour for the Christmas week? I am going because I feel sorry for FIL who might be due chemo (cue MIL when she heard this 'who's going to nurse him? I can't be around sick') and because husband wants to spend some time with his elderly parents. Advice?

If you must go (I bloody wouldn't) get ways of coping with it right now.

Plan to go out for lunch alone.

Take kindles/iPads/computers with DVDs and iplayer on to watch tv in your room if it's not to your liking.

Take a stack of mince pies/Yule logs for snacking on in your room.

Ignore bad behaviour and GO OUT to the pub - she's a petulant kid
And her behaviours should be ignored and everyone else should get on with what they want to do

Why don't you ask them to your house for Christmas? At the age they are at it's a lot to expect them to have you stay for a week. You could have your set of rules. As she has hosted Christmas for years I'm sure she would love a break from the stress, cooking, shopping etc.

Week is far too long. Go for two or three nights between Christmas and New Year. Regarding her behaviour, I'd say a mix of grinding your teeth and putting your foot down. Luckily it's not just you she affects. So re food, just get DH to tell her that although it's understandable that her appetite is smaller the rest of you need to eat proper meals.

I would suggest that you offer to bring some meals to 'give her a break' and also have a stash of snacks in your room.

It's sounds a bit difficult but no un doable. You can pre record tv at home etc. personally given their age and health I'd be trying very hard to make it a nice visit even if you have to give in to her a bit. They won't be around for ever....

suggest that as they are recovering, you will stay at a local B&B or hotel, and spend time with them but also have some time for yourselves. AT their age, a week is too much and you will all get on far better if you can dash back to the hotel via a nice pub!

Maybe buy FIL a nice TV for Christmas for upstairs!

Gin and a taser for when she does her eye closing head bobbing thingy.Do your best for FIL.Good luck.

Why does your DH want to spend a whole week with his parents at all given his mother's behaviour in particular?. Is he more afraid of them than he is of you?. It seems that he would rather "upset" you than they and I guess he still wants their approval even now (approval that would never be freely given anyway).

"So everyone trooped out and round the corner was a quaint 'ye olde worlde tea shoppe' tourist trap place where she said everyone could have tea and scones. Husband, by this time reeling from hunger, snapped 'I don't want a scone!' And she said, well we're having the hot birthday meal tonight, so no one should be having a hot lunch anyway'.

What was his response to that comment or did he not say anything?.

I would not attend such a gathering with these people even if they are in poor health and I would also now look into getting them a carers assessment from Social Services. She in particular will make the entire week awful for you and will cause you to have more resentment towards your H for getting you to go along with this in the first place. Your concerns here are valid ones.

Your husband needs to be more outspoken.

Why not offer to make meals while you are there?

If it wasn't for my fil not being treated for cancer, I'd wonder if you were my sil! I have this exact issue with MIL. We cope by a) never, ever in a million years visiting for a week b) sneaking out by ourselves every now and then for an illicit cafe visit, much screaming from mil if she ever finds out though and c) taking a stash of food with us, dried fruit, oatcakes etc that can be kept in our bags. She does have form for confiscating this when found though

Dh has tried putting his foot down and it just results in a row so we just work around it now.

Good lord. Don't go for a week - you will be NC by the end of it! 3 days is plenty. Good luck

Just musing... How long did your BIL and family usually stay with them? Is there precedence for a full week visit?

What Laurie said. Especially the 'don't go' bit. She sounds hideous.

My mother used to be very controlling about her kitchen and no-one was ever allowed to eat anything after 6pm dinner. As adults going back home to visit we just make whatever we want whenever we want. She never objects (probably because she knows her behaviour was unreasonable).

I just roared at "gin and a taser" maras

If she cannot or will not behave decently towards you both she should actually see neither of you. Bad behaviour should not be further rewarded, both your DH and her own H are unable to stand up to her for their own reasons and their inertia in the face of their mother/wife has not helped any. It has shown this woman that behaving badly like she has goes a) unchallenged by all and b) brings rewards because what she says goes.

Works for me bunny

'What Laurie said. Especially the 'don't go' bit'

Agree completely. She sounds utterly dreadful. Loads of sympathy as both DP and I have adults who cannot behave in our own families. We had DP's mother stay for 3 days over the August bank holiday and I honestly thought I would go crazy. I never understood the phrase 'bored to tears' before but I do now. Add plenty of martyrdom and emotional manipulation into the mix and I could cheerfully have murdered her at times.

OP, this is your Christmas too and you are entitled to enjoy at least some of it. A week sounds utterly insane to me. I would compromise at 3 days. But like others said, get out with your husband - pub or walks or shops or whatever you enjoy. Do your own things at lunchtime. Don't just sit there at her beck and call. And if 3 of you want to watch something and she doesn't, that's hard cheese for her. Ignore the sighing and other dramatics as much as you can - although I know how extremely wearing it is. She's behaving like a 2 year old so treat her like one - don't give in. Good luck

I'd invite them over for Christmas Day and Boxing Day only and cook three hot meals a day even if I didn't want to eat them. Poor old FIL!

If you really, REALLY have to go to them then limit the time spent there. And take a Christmas hamper for your room with you. I wouldn't want to stay for a whole week over the Christmas period with anyone, not even my dearest family members or friends.

If she's losing her sight maybe other people can take over the kitchen responsibilities for the duration?

I agree with Attila. Will your Dh' s brother be going (even without the adult grandchildren)? I presume not. So, imho, your ils will be facing a holiday with an empty nest and your dh is feeling guilty about this. It is ok for couples of any age to have holidays 'solo'. Perhaps his parents would enjoy that!

It is an impossible circumstance because you don't want to be rude to your host, but then you don't want to sacrifice every molecule of self-esteem/self-respect by being herded around like a flock of sheep. Personally, I'd be having three hot meals a day.
And a hot snack.
But that indicates the best answer is to stay away.

If you must go, and I endure ils for my dh, so I understand...then have a plan. My strategy is based on the fact that the ils are dh' s family therefore his problem. They have never sought to develop a relationship with me so I have learned to not expect anything from them.
At least one full day, you and dh can have an outing alone. We do the zoo.
I take a "Happy Bag" that contains a sewing project, a book, and my little journal (into which I pour all of my resentment, if needed-written in such a way that makes it near impossible to read) with art pens.
Also my brand of tea and sweetener with my own mug. You could add a portable DVD player and the entire collection of Midsommer Murders.
Exercise...be adamant to keep to your schedule (even if it is a new one )…out the door you go.

I also agree with pps that a week is too long. We drive 500 miles/11 hours and the longest we stay is three days.

Wow this sounds so familiar.
My ILs are a real team though.
They don't eat at lunchtime, so they don't see why we should. When we ask for food, we get comments about being greedy, "well, WE don't need lunch", on and on, every time.
They then begrudgingly make us something. They won't let us, even when we say no trouble, we'll do it.
FIL controls the kitchen and serves up what he decides which is usually pizza and oven chips, barely defrosted. Uncooked chips cold in the middle, bleh.
If we complain or even dare to ask for them a bit hotter, he blows up, and we're not grateful, he's gone to sooo much trouble.

Xmas at my parents is quite fun. The TV doesn't get a look in, we have a drink and a laugh.
Xmas at ILs is dire. We are forced to sit in silence and watch Inspector Frost repeats from 20 years ago or Dad's Army from 40 years ago!
If we speak, there are huffs and puffs and "for god's sakes" from FIL.
MIL does actually most of the talking.
When we ask to put Dr Who on, FIL huffs and puffs and goes to bed.
Yes - xmas day he goes to bed by himself at 8:00!

OP, don't go for more than one day - don't let them come to your house for more than one day.

This will only be the second time we've spent Christmas with them in the 18 years that we have been married. I have successfully avoided it all this time, and DH is happy to go along with that. However, because of his father's ill-health he would really like to go this year, and of course have me along. They can't come to us, because we live in a very old house with a steep, dark staircase, and the bathroom is downstairs, so MIL would not be able to get up and down for the loo in the night as she does in her own home. Husband and FIL will probably take over the cooking for the Christmas dinner, and we will go out the rest of the time. Another poster above said they finally found out what it meant to be 'bored to tears'. That's another factor. The sheer, overwhelming boredom of it all. The incessant chatter about neighbours and friends and their ailments - people we don't know - and so on.
Normally I would just not go, but as I say, this year I am making an exception because DH is worried about his father, and would like to spend time with him.
I was looking for coping mechanisms, and you've all come up with plenty of handy suggestions. Because they are so far away, we only see them about once a year anyway. DH's brother lives in the same village and pops in each day to use their wifi and their washing machine - but that's a different story. Thanks all.

Make the best of it. If your FIL is potentially seriously ill then he might not be around for next Christmas. Any refusal to go this year will bite you in the backside then.

They have wifi - use it. Just tune out the incessant drone of wittering about the neighbours
Go for a daily walk, preferably with a pub meal in the middle of it
Arrange trips out
Bring your own food so your DH can make a quick pasta or something in the evening.
Go to bed early or have long baths etc

Mostly though - spend the morning or the afternoon out of their company and the rest will be bearable.
A week is quite long - are they miles away? I suspect that your DH will be fed up of the sandwiches rule by 3-4 days so perhaps keep your departure date open ended at the moment.

Treadsoftly - they are 300 miles away, about a 4 to 5 hour drive. I'm going to study the calendar and see how many days I can shave off this proposed week ...

Reg, honestly - 3 days will be plenty. You're meeting your husband halfway with that offer. Maybe 4. But a week will drive you insane. I know he wants to see his parents but honestly you both need some quiet time in your own space as well. Learn from my horrendous Bank Holiday mistake - I was the 'bored to tears' poster!

Why don't you offer to bring the food for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day along with a cake for afternoon snacks? Have you thought that your elderly in-laws may dread the thought of you coming for a week? It's a lot for people in ill health. A week is a long time to have anybody to stay.

Had a phone convo just now - looks like it will be drive down late on the 23rd and leave again on the 27th. So that's 4 nights and 3 days. Phew - much more do-able! Double - OH usually does all the cooking when he visits or we go out, or splits it with FIL. PILs have been very fit and active and walk for miles each day, but now with FIL's health now looking questionable I think we really do have to go this year. MIL has been really excited that we are coming - I did give her the option to just have it just the two of them for once, but she said no, they were dying to see us again, as we only see them once a year.

Maybe look for a nice hotel to overnight in on the way back as a reward !

Oh my.....

I have the manipulative MIL too, and a FIL and DH just programmed to let her have her own way all the time... It drives me madddddddd...... She is rude and tears up and walks away if challenged.... She's always the victim

3 days is more than enough.... And trips to pub, early nights and an ipad!!!