Christmas and the In-Laws!

[RegTheMonkey1]

Normally husband spend Christmas and New Year at home with just the two of us. My parents are dead and his parents live about 300 miles away from us. They normally host the grandkids (husband's brother's children) at Christmas anyway and enjoy having them. However, grandkids are now young men with their own partners and will be doing their own thing this year.

Husband has suggested we spend the Christmas week (WEEK!!!) with his parents. His father has had cancer, and is currently having tests to see if it has come back. His mother is losing her sight. They are both very elderly, though still fit and active, apart from these two problem areas.

The problem is - guess what - the mother-in-law. She is very spoiled and entitled and has a strict set of 'rules' that the family has to live by, although when confronted about this, denies it. Just a few examples before I get to my question:

If we go out for lunch and have a hot meal, then only a sandwich will be served at dinner time. If we go out for lunch and have a sandwich, then we are allowed to have a hot meal at home for dinner. Husband is a very active man and has a healthy appetite. He went down last week to visit them and encountered the hot/cold meal thing. So in the evening after a day out walking, he saw they were making tiny wee sandwiches for dinner (because they had a hot lunch!) and he had to ask his mother if it was alright for him to make himself an omelette. On a special birthday visit we were out for the day, going round a small town looking for a suitable lunch place, none would do for the MIL, she kept vetoing everywhere. Eventually husband rebelled, picked a bistro and said 'this will do'. We got in found a table, she had the menu read to her and said 'I don't like this, I want to go.' So everyone trooped out and round the corner was a quaint 'ye olde worlde tea shoppe' tourist trap place where she said everyone could have tea and scones. Husband, by this time reeling from hunger, snapped 'I don't want a scone!' And she said, well we're having the hot birthday meal tonight, so no one should be having a hot lunch anyway'.

One final example: we (husband, me, FIL) wanted to see a particular programme on tv. Normally she controls the tv viewing. When it came on she started saying 'what is this? no one wants to see this, do they?'. FIL was about to cave in and we stepped in and said that we all wanted to see it. Cue much huffing and sighing from MIL, who threw her head back on her chair and shut her eyes, sighing heavily throughout the programme. FIL's only show he gets to see is Dr Who, but because she doesn't like it she makes a huge show about 'having to leave the room and sit upstairs alone in the bedroom' while it is on.

Still with me? So - how THE HELL am I going to put up with this sort of behaviour for the Christmas week? I am going because I feel sorry for FIL who might be due chemo (cue MIL when she heard this 'who's going to nurse him? I can't be around sick') and because husband wants to spend some time with his elderly parents. Advice?

Well, my family doesn't eat two hot cooked meals a day either.
But if we did eat a hot pub meal for e.g., nobody would lay down the law thou shalt not have another hot meal today.

Ok, can I just clarify - the two examples I gave are not pretty horrible, they were just chosen to represent her rather controlling nature - perhaps I should have chosen more wisely. It's not that she won't OFFER two hot meals a day, it's that she tries to prevent guests from having them.

However, let's disregard these, in the grand scheme of things, yes they are not that important.

Other examples are her being angry at not being able to walk in to her newly married son and dil's house at any time of the morning for a cup of tea and a chat. They didn't get a honeymoon and so hoped to hole up in their flat for a few days. MIL went round at 9.00 am each morning, tried to walk in and then told all and sundry how her new DIL 'was unwelcoming' and 'obviously didn't like her'. How on the phone to me she calls new DIL 'common' and 'not my kind of person'.

How FIL was in hospital for a week and she didn't visit him once because she doesn't like 'sick or sick people'.

But you are all right, there are worse things out there, and maybe I'm the one being unreasonable and I should just suck it up and endure my four days. It's only once a year after all. Thanks for all comments.

Reg, as always with these threads, some people get it and some don't. Some people are lucky enough to not have any toxic control freaks or emotional manipulators in their families so can't imagine how very frustrating and difficult to challenge it is.

You have been perfectly clear with your examples and lots of us understand your feelings. No you don't have to suck it up or get a grip, your feelings matter too. Your DP wants to see his parents and you are going with him - that's fair. You don't have to behave like a little nodding dog who gets ordered around and told when and what to eat.

Well said Lottapianos!

Thank you Lottapianos. To OfficerVanHalen I thought the initial post might have demonstrated what I meant, but I had obviously not chosen very apt examples. There was no intention to drip-feed, but I felt that a few more might make the case clearer. Anyway, I think I've gone as far as I can with this, so thanks all.

Glad to see you are trimming down the time.

The under-feeding would really stress me. Take some things that can be whipped up into a decent meal with minimal effort - you can get pouches of risotto that don't need refridgeration that you can keep in your room and microwave if you need more food.

'you just need to put your big girl pants on and put up with it'

How very patronising and unhelpful. You're talking to an adult woman, not a 6 year old. You clearly don't get it Officer. At all. Do you really think that OP's MIL telling other adults what to eat is ok? What MIL eats is her business, but dictating to other adults what they 'should' be eating and when is not on and is seriously controlling. And the huffing and puffing when others wanted to watch a different TV program - does that sound like reasonable adult behaviour to you? Why should anyone be expected to just 'put up' with that sort of crap? The poster whose MIL was flat out refusing to feed her hungry 2 year old granddaughter and wouldnt back down even after a screaming row - sound vaguely reasonable to you?

I don't think anyone on this thread has mentioned going NC or narcissistic personality disorder, you brought those up.

Id just go along with the visit and not just because you don't see much of them anyway and your father in law is unwell.

Take food with you to have when you're hungry and with todays technology there's no need for 4 adults to be arguing over who watches what and when in the TV.

Re the hot meals versus sandwiches - sandwiches are a snack in this house, its what we eat between meals if we're peckish, so I don't have clue about whats reasonable and whats not as everyone is different. I do like hot food though and nothing else satisfies really.

My DH needs 3 v v large meals a day, otherwise he is a freakin' nightmare. Thankfully MIL knows this and caters appropriately. My parents on the other hand don't understand why we go out for so many "walks" when we visit them When we visited one Christmas for a week, we just bought groceries and made our own lunches. They were rather bemused but mostly at the quantity of food that was consumed by DH, I and an 18mo. It would generally have fed 4-6 adults at my parents table. but they like to fill up between meals on a lot of cake

Do what gets you through it in my view. Holidays are to a large extent [in my world at least] centred around the enjoyment of good food and good company. If no-one is hungry and crotchety, and the house is sufficiently clean and warm you can get through anything .

I would like to hear your version of what a 'truly nasty toxic' person would be. Oh no, maybe I wouldn't. When people are describing a stressful and upsetting situation, and you have no experience of anything similiar, sometimes the best thing is to back away rather than telling people to put their 'big girl pants on'

Ahh, food rationing at pils - so glad it's not just me! I always look on a trip to their place as a good kick-start to a diet, and well remember the first Christmas I spent at their house when I lost four pounds in three days (although that could just be because tooth-grinding burns calories)!

'although that could just be because tooth-grinding burns calories'

It sure does. As does screaming loudly inside your head (where no-one else can hear you!), digging your fingernails into your palms and generally rueing the day you ever agreed to this visit/trip

Yup - those too Lottapianos

Did you hear that OP? 'Give over', '4 days is nothing', 'nothing compared to what some people have to put up with'. Bad girl.

Its like Clueless Bingo. I have read many toxic family threads thanks Officer, have even started a few myself, on account of having toxic family members myself. That's toxic, not irritating. I have found most people on these threads to be highly supportive and empathetic. I'm still not sure what you're doing here with your finger-wagging. You have helped no-one.

I really can't be bothered to clarify - yet again - that it is NOT ABOUT THE FOOD!!! That was just given as an example, and it was obviously a very stupid one.
Look I get it, 4 days with boring old people is nothing compared to what other people have to put up with.

Its nothing to do with what others have to put up with but everything to do with 2 elderly and frail people being worth 4 days out of a persons year and not just because in the grand scheme of things there's not really much for you to complain about.

It is more likely that you'd just rather spend it with your family or on your own?

If it were any other four days, that would be a different issue. But this is Christmas. People shouldn't have to subject themselves to an endurance test.

Reg, I think you're doing a good thing in going this Christmas to support your DH & FIL. I'd definitely agree with the suggestions to take your own food & to go out just with DH during those days.

I find my MIL very hard work too - slightly different issues from you, but she's equally set in her ways & unlikely to change -but we do still go & stay, & planning things to do outside the house saves my sanity.

I have to say I agree with OfficerVanHalen that it's just not possible to avoid every fucking irritating person in life. That doesn't mean being a martyr or tolerating truly toxic behaviour: but the key point here isn't exactly how bad Reg's MIL is or isn't, it's that Reg's DH is prepared to stand up to her & put his foot down about some of her controlling tendencies. That does make all the difference, IMO - it would be different if DH insisted on pandering to his mum in every way & left Reg to deal with any problems.

Hope it's not as bad as you're expecting, OP!

I understand about it being Christmas but the fact they are older and not in the best of health means its not something thats going to have to be done for the next 30 years.

Who knows? This could perhaps be the last Christmas for FIL if his cancer has come back.