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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I found his POF profile - I think.

103 replies

bofski14 · 23/09/2014 00:51

Been with my partner for two years, mortgage and 10 month old daughter together. Everything going swimmingly. Until I decide to snoop. Backstory is, my father cheated in my mum after 28 years of marriage and it blind sided all of us. I never want to go through that shock again so I occasionally check internet history etc. I never see his phone. It's always locked but he said its because the boys in work go through each other's phones and tease about what they find.

I very occasionally look through the newest members in my area on POF to see if he's on there. He used to use the site quite a lot before we met, so just to check he's still not using it I search his username now and again.

So one day I spot a new profile, no photo but the username is half the company he works for and half his surname so I clicked it. All the stats are him to a T. It says that he's just looking to chat and make friends but has his relationship status as single. I confronted him saying I think he had a profile and he went through he roof, refused to show me his phone and said that obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left. He drove off in a temper despite me and the baby in the street crying and calling him to come back. He convinced me I was wrong and he was offended so I apologised, calmed the situation and we left it at that. I was confused and thought maybe it was just a coincidence.

He is working away at the moment so I checked the profile and it was still active. I made a fake profile contacted him and the style of writing and the spelling was him, I'm sure. He said he didn't know why he was on there and he was leaving the site. Sure enough the profile is now deleted, but not before I noticed that the location was edited to the town he's working in now.

I feel like a paranoid nutter. But It's all too much of a coincidence isn't it?

OP posts:
badbaldingballerina123 · 03/10/2014 18:38

Once someone lies like this you really can't believe anything they say. His response to a straightforward conversation was to abuse you and drive away. He was ANGRY at being busted , not remorseful. You really don't know how long this has been going on for or how far it went . You simply cannot fix things your not aware of. I'd want access to that account but he's probably deleted it now.

Original poster
bofski14 · 03/10/2014 22:27

It's now taken a deeper turn and I'm completely confused. He broke down earlier saying he was a bad person, bad inside and that he cannot be fixed and me and Dd would be better off without him. He has said this any times over the last two years but would never say why or what has made him this way. He then became hysterical and said he was broken. I eventually got out of him that "something" happened to him when he was young. "Something" that he thought was normal but later found out was very wrong. This "something" is a secret that he has never told and he said he must keep it secret because it would rip his family apart if they knew. He said this self loathing and hate for himself is because of what happened and that's why he tries to hurt me and not get close to anyone - so he will be safe in his own little bubble. He's basically heavily implied that he's been abused. I asked if this person is still in his life because if it is what I think I need to know that our daughter is safe. He said we're all safe but would t say if this person is dead or alive. I feel suspicious of everyone now.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 03/10/2014 22:59

Not being nasty but do you believe him or is it just a fabricated story to explain his behavior?
If you do not get full disclosure you have your answer l think

whitsernam · 03/10/2014 23:13

Sounds like someone trying to deflect blame onto something/someone else: I can't help myself, someone damaged me, therefore I have to be this bad person forever. In hopes you'll stay with him (You'll fall for it)

You've apparently seen all this before with him, so it really is up to you to decide what you want here.

Good luck, and do take care of yourself first.

cafesociety · 03/10/2014 23:35

Sounds like he is feeling guilty [and quite rightly so] and crying because he has been caught out. Now trying every trick in the book to blame something else for his behaviour.....and to keep you onside.

He obviously doesn't want to lose his lifestyle of having you [believing everything he says] and his other 'activities'.

Being damaged is probably right....a lot of us are in many respects. But we haven't been underhand and hurt loved ones by being duplicitous and deceitful...and lied repeatedly when challenged. I'm afraid I'd take the story with a pinch of salt.

I am sorry to say the above, but it is how I see it and how it is coming across. Please look after yourself and your child in all this. It's a tough one.

peasandlove · 03/10/2014 23:50

My god none of you have an ounce of sympathy? I think you need to find out more. Especially as your young dd might be around this person. What a bizarre twist.

DollyDreamboat · 04/10/2014 00:07

I think he's making it up to distract you. I'm sorry if I'm wrong. Well, I'm sorry either way Thanks

coppertop · 04/10/2014 00:08

Even if you completely believe every word of his story, it still doesn't mean that you have to stay in a relationship with him.

I've noticed in your posts on this thread that each time you try to talk to him about his behaviour, he spins it around so that he is the wronged party and that the relationship can't/won't/shouldn't continue.

When you first confronted him about the profile you said:

" he went through he roof, refused to show me his phone and said that obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left."

And now here he is with a variant of that same line - he's the victim and the relationship probably shouldn't continue anyway.

This tactic has worked on you before. He's hoping it will work again.

StartinOverTheRainbow · 04/10/2014 07:06

Sweetie, if he says he thinks you and DD would be better off without him, he telling you HE doesn't want to be with you.
Again, whatever reasons he comes up with now to 'justify' why he did this or that are irrelevant. He still has a functioning brain and any decent person knows right from wrong. He did something wrong and now he's being a coward and trying to 'blame' this mysterious incident that could very well be a total fantasy.
This is the 'maybe's' and 'what if's' that I think I mentioned here (maybe another thread though?) that crop up at this stage.
Mine too did similar to this...I got 'Maybe I'm just not cut out to be married. It's not you, it's me. I'm a coward, I know You guys will be better off without me.' It's the 'script'.
Don't get derailed. Remember that vision of a happy life with DD? It doesn't include this drama, does it? Stay true to your feelings and stop focusing on his.

43percentburnt · 04/10/2014 07:40

I am sorry this is happening to you. You and your lovely daughter don't need this. He swore on his daughters life, what a disgusting thing to do.

If he says he has been abused there are counselling services he can access, they will help him emotionally. You are probably not trained in such areas. I believe he is using this to guilt trip you, I am a bad unloveable person, so you say oh no I love you blah blah blah. Don't fall for it, give him a phone number for counselling. His behaviour will change if you ignore this guilt tripping. Wait for anger and blame if you don't fall for tears.

I also believe he is minimising. It went from 'how dare you spy on me rant rant anger', to 'I swear on dd life, sob sob'. To 'I was on the website'. With more evidence it will go to - I emailed once. We only met up for a coffee. We went to a hotel but I couldn't do anything. We only messed around. We only slept together once. He's not only swearing on his dd life, but he's not even creative enough to come up with a non typical 'explanation'.

You can have a wonderful family still. I had my dd in a previous relationship, with an arse. I now have a wonderful husband, a new baby and my dd is also very happy. Don't sell yourself short. You picked a wrong un, good news is you don't have to stay with him! You deserve better, a lot better.

Tomuchtosay · 04/10/2014 07:57

Keep strong Flowers
I can't add anymore to what people have already said. But yes also had the same line......I'm a bad person, you're better without me, I just want you to be happy blah blah blah.

Original poster
bofski14 · 04/10/2014 08:03

Thanks all. It's just so bizarre! He's told me for a long time that he feels dead inside and unloveable and he doesn't know how to love. I don't think he's made this up as he's said for years that he's broken inside. I went to CAB yesterday and feel more secure about my options now. I've given him the number for a helpline and he said he'd call while he's away because he is leaving tomorrow for another month away. He said he'd come back a new man. Even if he does it could still not be enough because my trust is gone. I do feel massive sympathy for him but I'm not a professional.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/10/2014 08:31

Why/how will he come back a new man? Why are you trying to be in a loving relationship with a man telling you he won't love you?

You're going to continue this with him aren't you Sad ?

jaynebxl · 04/10/2014 08:39

Really hope he calls the helpline and gets some serious help.

InThisTogether · 04/10/2014 09:31

I don't know about the ins and outs but honestly, if you are having to do this, there isn't a good relationship there in the first place. sorry! it's time...

Tomuchtosay · 04/10/2014 09:34

I also hope he gets the help he needs. If he is that damaged he will only damage you too in the process. It won't be sorted in a month, lol
Your last post seemed positive, and now you will have a month to think and sort things out for you and DD. Flowers

Original poster
bofski14 · 04/10/2014 09:34

I was really ready to go. Now I feel so sorry for him. I can't have a relationship because I feel sorry for someone though. His issues are far too much for me to deal with and my daughter has to come first.

OP posts:
LittleDonkeyKong · 04/10/2014 10:09

My STBXH also swore on our daughters life that he hadn't been messaging other women/going on sex sites/cheating on me.............HE HAD!

Tomuchtosay · 04/10/2014 10:30

You are right. You can't be in a relationship with someone just because you pity them. it will have a negative affect on you and your DD. I'm glad you have been to the CAB. As someone else said. Keep picturing that happy future with DD. Smile

badbaldingballerina123 · 04/10/2014 10:33

A few years ago , for obvious reasons , I spent quite some time reading about infidelity on various sites and forums. Swearing on children's or parents lives is a very common thing and from everything I've read nearly all cheaters say this . It usually means there's much more to tell.

Sorry to say the abuse story is just as common and again is often a story designed to gain sympathy , but more importantly a way to offer a REASON which every betrayed person desperately wants. There just so screwed up they can't help it ect. Both genders sometimes claim abuse and when challenged further many will retract this claim. I got both these storys.

Vivacia · 04/10/2014 16:28

I was really ready to go.

Funny how he's found the one thing to make you reconsider. Thing is, you can still support him whilst not being with him.

AnyFucker · 04/10/2014 18:10

You and your dd would be better off without him because he is a bad person ?

That's the first truth he has uttered

Listen to him on this one thing. There is much more you are not aware of. But rest assured, it won't be good

AnyFucker · 04/10/2014 18:12

You and your dd would be better off without him because he is a bad person ?

That's the first truth he has uttered

Listen to him on this one thing. There is much more you are not aware of. But rest assured, it won't be good

Original poster
bofski14 · 05/10/2014 10:17

He has gone away to work now. I feel immense relief. It's so awkward here. I don't know anything about how POF works so I've emailed them asking does POF ever ask you to update info if you're not logged in for a while and does it then make your profile appear under newest users? I think "newest users" is only for brand new sign ups. I asked for some answers this morning. He got upset, said he's done being questioned. It's all a bit raw. I felt really sorry for him when he was saying goodbye to DD and crying and he said he thinks he's going to come to an empty house. It's such a strange feeling. Part of me wants it to go back to the way it was and part of me is excited for a new chapter in my life. It's so confusing. It will be interesting to see what POF respond with. I am pretty certain he is lying again though. I think I will be happier without him.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/10/2014 10:19

He knows you are onto him and will soon hide profiles etc or use other sites....he is lying ....stop tying yourself in knots with it.