I found his POF profile - I think.

[bofski14]

Been with my partner for two years, mortgage and 10 month old daughter together. Everything going swimmingly. Until I decide to snoop. Backstory is, my father cheated in my mum after 28 years of marriage and it blind sided all of us. I never want to go through that shock again so I occasionally check internet history etc. I never see his phone. It's always locked but he said its because the boys in work go through each other's phones and tease about what they find.

I very occasionally look through the newest members in my area on POF to see if he's on there. He used to use the site quite a lot before we met, so just to check he's still not using it I search his username now and again.

So one day I spot a new profile, no photo but the username is half the company he works for and half his surname so I clicked it. All the stats are him to a T. It says that he's just looking to chat and make friends but has his relationship status as single. I confronted him saying I think he had a profile and he went through he roof, refused to show me his phone and said that obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left. He drove off in a temper despite me and the baby in the street crying and calling him to come back. He convinced me I was wrong and he was offended so I apologised, calmed the situation and we left it at that. I was confused and thought maybe it was just a coincidence.

He is working away at the moment so I checked the profile and it was still active. I made a fake profile contacted him and the style of writing and the spelling was him, I'm sure. He said he didn't know why he was on there and he was leaving the site. Sure enough the profile is now deleted, but not before I noticed that the location was edited to the town he's working in now.

I feel like a paranoid nutter. But It's all too much of a coincidence isn't it?

Have you Rl friends or family you can confide in?

No, my worry is whoever I tell in RL will either resent him and make future contact awkward or his family may take his side. Either way I'm stuffed. If I told my mother she would hate him forever and would make things difficult. If I didn't have my daughter I probably would but we're all intertwined now and forever. I don't have close friends I can confide in. Just acquaintances really from mum and baby group etc. I feel like I'm going mad sometimes. I don't think he will leave. I really don't. He seems so happy and always tells me how proud he is of his family. I think he just wants some illicit messaging to boost his ego.

Yes you will always be your DD's parents but you are not beholden to him "forever and ever" - to allow him to do whatever he likes - come on!

And I hope anyone reading this who's thinking of moving in / marrying / having a baby with a man they hardly know has a good hard think!

I think that's a bit harsh BitOut. My decisions were not mistakes. We were madly in love, desperately wanting a family and I only had a 20% chance of conceiving after several cervical cancer treatments. I wanted a child with a man I loved and I didn't want to wait. Maybe things haven't turned out as I hoped but I knew what I wanted and I went for it.

If you had waited just a bit longer you may have seen his true colours though. Sorry to be blunt OP but you seem to be all ready to roll over and accept what he's doing, all the while begging him for reassurance and allowing him to lie bare-faced to you! You need a wake up call imo

I am delighted for you that you had your longed for baby after what you had been through. I truly am. But do not let that blind you to what he is up to

(I speak as a woman who I was "madly in love with" a man who turned out to be sleaze ball who, among other things, was trawling the net for sex so I know what a horrible shock it is!)

OP, I do feel for you. Can you put this behind you? If you can, do, but do not abandon your own personal development. You were traumatised by your parents' marriage and at the moment you are a bit too isolated for my liking. You need your own outside interests to keep you afloat, you cannot just depend on the love of one man.

For anyone still interested, I had the courage to confront him once more because I knew in my heart it was him. He looked into my eyes and promised and swore on our daughters life it was not him. He even said he'd take a lie detector. He said he goes away to work for one reason and that is to make money for our family. He said he was hurt and so disappointed that I would think he would do such a horrible thing. He cried because he was so upset that I would accuse him of something like that. I obviously felt awful and questioned my own mind. We went on our first family holiday with me apologising that I'd ruined the holiday and made it awkward. Then two days in he cracked and admitted it was him after all. Said he was just looking and hadn't met up with anyone. I packed mine and my daughters bags and checked out of our holiday early. Am now at my mothers considering my options. Thank you all for your input. You were all right.

Oh sweetie. I'm sad and happy for you at the same time. At least you know now and can move on. You deserve better than him. You will be ok and you have whats most important, your self-respect and your DD.

Thank you. That means a lot.

Oh bless you.
I'm so sorry this is the outcome.
But also very proud of you for being so brave and packing up and leaving. That took a lot of strength.

What he said when confronted is the typical 'cheaters script'.
They all swear on their children's lives - feckin' low life scum bags.
They always say how hurt and disappointed they are that you don't trust or believe them.
And the lie detector thing is typical too.

For what it's worth, I think you have done the right thing.
He needs to see proper consequences to his actions.

Get some legal advice to make sure you know where you stand.
CAB can help with that.
Then CSA to see what you'd get in maintenance payments.
Once you have all the info you can make informed decisions.

Take one hour at a time, then one day at a time etc....
Make sure you look after yourself.
Keep yourself hydrated and sugar levels up.
It was sugary tea, ice lollies and soups that helped me.
I just couldn't keep anything solid down.

Take the love and support of your family now to help you through this horrible time.

for you!

I would suggest NC for now. He may beg and plead and make promises to change, etc. and really tug on your heart strings. And you really don't need to be play mind games right now. Life is complicated enough.
Sort your logistics out, be kind to yourself. Cry when you want to (all day, every day for weeks in my case), don't try to 'be strong'. Stay close to people who will support you. Do what is best for you and DD now.
Try not to think about the 'what if's' and 'maybe's'. Guys like this don't change unless they want to, and by the time we catch them out, they have already moved on from us in their heads. Save yourself a lot of emotional angst and decided right from the start that it is over for good, forever. Keep looking forward.

Oh bofski I'm so sorry. I know from very bitter direct experience what a horrible shock that is. You have my sympathies.

Well done on being so brave. You can be proud of yourself and I bet he got the shock of his life when he realised you weren't going to roll over and accept this.

He has shown his true colours now. Do not for one second believe him that he was "just looking". You don't need a profile with pictures to "just look". That bit is just as big a pile of bullshit as the original lies

How are you feeling now?

Whatever happens you will be able to manage if you decide to split. It sounds like he's away a good portion of the time anyway so you're obviously doing a great job on your own already

Hi, I have never posted before but wanted to wish you well, and to stay strong! Don't let him talk you back into going back no matter how bad you feel and how much you just want to sweep it under the carpet and give up because it seems less stress then getting back on your own feet.

Unfortunately he will never change. I wish I had made that move when my DCs were the age of your DD.

I am that shamefully stupid and weak person who put up with it for years. (he never met anyone in person) but thrills of being on, and registering website was what he did. No matter how it hurt me. He would just hide things better, and remorse is only on the surface.
Stay strong make a better life for you and your DD! Or face a similar life as mine...anxiety, depression, happy pills, dh not interested in sex with you anymore, (as being a wanka over websites more fun)
low self asteam. Ending up having an affair yourself as you are so low you just needed love and affection. Hey presto! You're the bad guy and a very messy end.

I know it's hard right now, but well done.
Better off out of there.

Sending to you, OP - it must have taken a lot of guts to keep digging at something you desperately wanted not to be true - and then to take action once you did have the truth.

This man doesn't deserve you, or your little girl. Get as much support as you can from family and friends, and concentrate on building a future for the two of you. x

Oh no...been lurking hoping you'd got it wrong - so sorry OP

Much respect to you love.It must have been hard.Why do all fuckwits seem to think that swearing on their children's lives is ever a good thing. No one in their right mind ever believes them and it makes them look like ..... well fuckwits really.

Oh bloody hell. I hate being right about stuff like this . I am afraid to say it is unlikely you have got the full truth even now. Admit to what you think you can get away with. Well done for not letting it drop and forcing him to tell you what he has, but I think you need to think of it as just a morsel of the whole situation designed to make you STFU about it now.

Thanks all. My head is in bits. I'm alternating wildly between trying to work things out and I keep reminding myself that he hasn't actually slept with anyone and maybe I'm being too rash. Then I think he will never change and I fantasise about a lovely life with my daughter. We are tied in to a joint mortgage together so I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to stay here and plod along so my daughter can have all that she needs even if it means I have to put a brave face one. The other half of me thinks that my home, my safety net, my little world just means nothing now and I should go forward with force on my own.

Only you can make this decision.
It's very hard though.

How do you know he hasn't slept with anyone?
Like AF says, he saying as little as possible. There will be so much more to this.
If you can't trust him then there is no relationship.

And please do NOT burnden your poor DD with you having to have a miserable life. That's just not fair on her. She would not want to know later in life that you have lived a miserable life for years because of her.

You get one shot at life. Make the most of it.

I have said how my life was for me. But this is your life and your decision.

Questions you have to ask yourself:

If you put a 'brave face on' does that mean you will now trust him? Are you willing to never ever drive yourself insane looking for stuff to catch him out? If he does do it again HE will hide it even more. So will take up more off your time and angst trying to catch him out.
Can you be sure his has not had physical contact? (I lived and worked with mine so knew were he was)
If you don't trust him but still go back. Are you willing to turn a blind eye? Live a lie for the next 16 years? Not having someone who loves you enough to respect you?

I know how hard it is for you right now. I wish you were not in this position.
Take care

I keep reminding myself that he hasn't actually slept with anyone and maybe I'm being too rash

I'm sorry, but I think he has. You just haven't found out yet. My ex had an emotional affair. I caught him in a lie and then demanded to see his emails. Stupid git had over 1000 plus emails in his account and divine providence led to me click on the exact page where I found an email from a year ago saying how 'her heart beats wildly just thinking about it and how she couldn't wait for next time! xxxx' Up until then, he denied everything, swore on the life of his kids that there was nothing, no one, no emotional affair. I was stupid enough to deny to myself there was anything physical going on, but now, even though he would never admit it, I know there was. Point is, we will never get the full story! This is a time where you have to trust your instincts, trust yourself. If looking back on what you do know (about the POF profile and all that he said) if it makes you feel violated, hurt and untrusting of him, then that is enough and you don't even need to know more.

Looking back, I didn't trust myself enough to go with my instincts. I wish I had because I then went through a further 2 years of matrimonial hell with him leaving me in the end.

Keep moving forward. Keep that vision of a happy life with your DD in your mind.

Bofski you know he's a liar. He's proved that. He swore on his daughters life that he wasn't on POF. Why would you now believe him when he says he's not met anyone?

Been there done that, three times now I have found a partner to be a cheat using the internet. It's fucking depressing but well done you, you will move forward from this with your little one.
Like others have said,what the cheat admits to is usually only the bare minimum. I think you've heard and seen enough to convince you he's a liar, if you can end it based on this betrayal that is better than sticking around to find out more lied and get more heartbroken than you are now.
I want to say so much more but I don't want to be sexist or making generalisations. So angry for you though and for betrayed people generally. Why are people so fucking selfish and heartless? I can't comprehend it!