I found his POF profile - I think.

[bofski14]

Been with my partner for two years, mortgage and 10 month old daughter together. Everything going swimmingly. Until I decide to snoop. Backstory is, my father cheated in my mum after 28 years of marriage and it blind sided all of us. I never want to go through that shock again so I occasionally check internet history etc. I never see his phone. It's always locked but he said its because the boys in work go through each other's phones and tease about what they find.

I very occasionally look through the newest members in my area on POF to see if he's on there. He used to use the site quite a lot before we met, so just to check he's still not using it I search his username now and again.

So one day I spot a new profile, no photo but the username is half the company he works for and half his surname so I clicked it. All the stats are him to a T. It says that he's just looking to chat and make friends but has his relationship status as single. I confronted him saying I think he had a profile and he went through he roof, refused to show me his phone and said that obviously I didn't trust him so there was no relationship left. He drove off in a temper despite me and the baby in the street crying and calling him to come back. He convinced me I was wrong and he was offended so I apologised, calmed the situation and we left it at that. I was confused and thought maybe it was just a coincidence.

He is working away at the moment so I checked the profile and it was still active. I made a fake profile contacted him and the style of writing and the spelling was him, I'm sure. He said he didn't know why he was on there and he was leaving the site. Sure enough the profile is now deleted, but not before I noticed that the location was edited to the town he's working in now.

I feel like a paranoid nutter. But It's all too much of a coincidence isn't it?

Normally I think trust is vital in a relationship but I do think that OP's partner, if he is innocent, should give her a little leaway because of her experience with her dad.

Some interesting responses here. I didn't confront him with by saying "I know you have a profile". I said that I thought he may have one and could I just put my mind at rest and check. He doesnt know what I've seen. I got scared and left it there when he flew off the handle because I have a lot to lose. We have our daughter, a mortgage and I'm a stay at home mam. I have no evidence to confront him with but I pretty much am certain it is him. I know I shouldn't have gone looking for it but I keep my guard up and I know it's something he used to use a lot before we met.

If I tell him I know that it's him, I will be up the creek. My daughter won't have her dad. I'll have to leave my home. I don't have a lot of family support and I do actually love him. I just wish I was enough.

Would you class this as cheating? I don't know if it's cheating curious browsing or looking with intent.

You poor woman. Now you are blaming yourself ?

Please don't do that.

It would be worse for me, it's not like he's just met someone, hit it off and stupidly fallen for them-he's actually out there on the prowl. He's flicking through profiles and weighing up other women and getting his ego (at the very least) stroked by them.

It really is sad and pathetic.

Unfortunately you are already up the creek because all that's left is a relationship with a liar!

Did you mum leave your dad? Did she handle your father cheating as you would have best wanted for her? Would your daughter want you to live a lie and be miserable by staying with her father? Imagine her when she's 18 saying to you "you shouldn't have done that for me, I would have rather you were happy". You are making a mistake if you chose to stay because of your daughter and importantly you would be teaching her that cheating in a relationship is ok and that you should put yourself last and put up with it. Would you want her to stay with someone who doesn't respect her, joins dating sites and therefore takes a big crap on her?!

Don't go with the easiest option, go with the one that takes you and your daughter out of harms way.

and yes, I would class it as cheating

Yes, my mam stayed with my dad after his long term affair. Totally blamed herself and went into Stepford Wife mode and tried for a year to get things back to how they were. Turns out he had stil been seeing the other woman all along and eventually my mother was driven to a nervous breakdown and he left anyway. Oh god, my parents have really messed me up. I just realised this.

Can you see a potential future for you there ? A pattern repeating itself ?

Don't do what your mother did, fgs

Christ the whole situation sounds bizarre!

Checking a dating site just incase your partner has a profile is very extreme! If my DH asked to see my phone I'd tell him to piss off. It's my private space, which nobody has the right to see! And I'd never dream of demanding access to his phone either.

Whilst I think the profile may well be the DP, I think OP you need to come to terms with your trust issues as you can't spend the rest of your life snooping on your partner. it must be exhausting!

The constant texting and telling you he loves you is the love bombing hysterical shagging part of the script. Trying to assuage any guilt

Never ever cry over a man in the street and beg him to come back. You had a baby very quickly with this man and he has shown you to be the scumbag he is.

Don't repeat your mum's mistakes.

He is sniffing about to see what is around. Not thinking of his baby.

And the location to where he is working away? He fancies an instant sordid shag.

Yes, it is cheating. All he is waiting for is opportunity.

The fear of being on your own far outweighs the reality of it. I know as I am on the other side of it and starting to feel like life will actually be ok without him.

Your DD is young enough not to know what is going on atm, but if you leave it too much longer, she will see the tension/sadness that this situation would bring long term. She will have as much of a relationship with her dad as both he and you allow. It is healthier to have a small amount of quality time (visitations) than to have masses of dysfunctional time (staying in an unhappy relationship day after day).

Basically, you have to ask yourself if this is the best you deserve? And do you want to be your mom?

Well this certainly looks bad on the face of it..... However I'd like to offer my tuppence worth.... I was on POF. Errrr well still am despite being married for 2.5 years. Why? Well initially I couldn't find the "off" button. My husband found the off button for me when I complained that I was getting loads of emails. You could say that there is a lot of trust in our relationship. I then got bored one night and turned my profile back on. I have a perverse sense of humour, and love looking at the appalling grammar and selfies. The women's profiles are the best, I once saw a woman my age (40's) on a hen night, in a dress that looked sprayed to her bratwurst like body. She had added not one, but three photos of herself with a traffic cone on her head at the end of the evening! I swear I have never seen anything so funny in my life. I also made a few friends, both male and female that I chat to occasionally.

What I am trying to say, but taking a circuitous route, is that it may not be what it seems. I would also point out that I think my husband knows my password for everything, and I think I know his. I would never violate his privacy, and he is welcome to violate mine. It would save me reading the crap I am sent!

I would also point out that I have 3 POF accounts. My own, another male and another female. If you are going to try to catch him out, do it properly, and nail his bollocks to the wall. That site is utterly disgrace, but when I am not reading fine literature, I do occasionally read The Sun.

Good Luck!

Hi love, Im so sorry you are going through this. I havent had chance to read all your replies as im just about to go to bed but felt I had to write something.

I have first hand experience of been in this situation not just with exs but like you my father did the same I was about 13 and was an horrible situation for the family to be in think it set me on my mad paranoia phase. I had 2 relationships in which I was obsessed with checking phones etc and drove me to the point of been a wreck, both I had opened upto about my trust issues with my father and to the 2nd one about how much the other had hurt me and I kinda think they both played on it a little, to the brink of it was like they were planting messages there for me to find and making stupid excuses just to mess with my head. I never learnt I gave them both a second chance which I lived to regret, I felt like I was loosing the plot and made to feel like I was the paranoid 1.

Best thing I ever did was been single for 4 years (with the exemption of a few dates and casual stuff) It made me stronger as a person, independant and seeked coucilling. Ive been in my new relationship for around 18 months and things are so different Ive never once been made to feel like I used to, with the others I never had any suspicions to start with I just looked at phones regually to see if there was anything, Ive never had that urge to look at ohs phone at all and I cant see myself ever going back to my old way unless I felt a major suspicion and then that would be it, I know I can cope on my own it would be curtains for him and he knows it.

I think what im trying to say is its only you who can make that decision of what to do next but this relationship is not healthy at all and its not going to get any better you will just drive yourself crazy checking phones and emails etc all the time and its not good for your baby. I do think hes lying about that profile and cant see him admitting it, I understand you dont want another full blown row so how about writing your feelings down for him? I personally think a little break from each other may be a good perspective but not always do able. You need to maybe try and get some councilling for your paranoia and then maybe you maybe strong enough to work on things but while you already have these other issues I dont think you can deal with him, iyswim

Sorry for rambling on and hope ive worded myself properly really bad typer when rushing, good luck op will check back on this thread tomorrow x

Snooping is wrong, but so is being on POF looking for other women when you are in a relationship. One does not cancel out the other. A partner having trust issues doesn't entitle the other to cheat, does it. Whilst snooping is wrong I can understand why OP has trust issues..and why they will probably be even worse now. Id assume since H knows her well enough, he'd have known about her trust issues too, he just thought he wouldn't get caught and is enraged because he has been caught.

OP if you don't leave him, Id bet he will eventually leave you. He sounds fickle, and shallow. Hardly a recipe for happiness. Find someone who doesn't make you feel the need to snoop as although you've said its due to your parents, I have a mind its to do with your H's behaviour somewhere along the line too

I spoke to him last night as he is still away and said I was feeling a bit vulnerable and he reassured me that he absolutely in no way would ever look at another woman and he loves me and only me forever. I wish I could believe him. I still haven't told him about the profile. I should be enraged and packing his bags but I feel like I don't want him to go. We haven't seen each other fore three weeks as he's been working away. He's home tomorrow and then we are going on our first family holiday and I don't want to spoil it. After holidays he is working away again and will come home one weekend a month up until Xmas. I think I will leave it until after hols to bring up maybe. I just want the air cleared but half of me doesn't want a big blow up on the little bit of family time we have

Oh dear. Your setting yourself up for heart break here.

You are acting desperate (no offence intended) and also he will even know that you know but that you are keeping quiet!

It's a sham, based on lies and deceit. I believe that this is far from the end of the pain this man will inflict upon you but I guess you will have to come to that realisation on your own.

When a profile is viewed do you get a notification ? He may well know you know.

Sounds to me like he has his 'life' and then plays happy families one weekend a month? You do realize just how much you will have to trust him when he is away, and it seems you can't do that now even.

You will be tormented with this situation! Do you really think you and your daughter deserve occasional handouts of 'family time' you think you are having?

He only has to 'pretend' to be the good guy for a very brief time each month, whereas you have to live a lie everyday waiting until he comes back (knowing in your heart of hearts, deep down in your soul, he is not fully committed to you or your DD).

He is not the be all and end of of your universe. He's a bloke who's thinking with his other head, plenty of them out there, I'm afraid.

Be that woman who says she deserves more, but first you have to believe it.

The problem you have is that you hardly knew this man when you got pregnant which will have changed the entire course of your relationship. 5 months isn't long to get to know someone iis it?

Now I suspect you may be seeing his true colours

Yes, that was his profile on POF. You are kidding yourself if you think it's not and his OTT reaction only confirms that.

If he hasn't cheated, he is trying to now. He has plenty of opportunity.

Try and not be ruled by your mom's choices but to learn from them. Get some self-respect and stop kow towing to him. And certainly stop having these big scenes in front of your child.

Start getting your financial and legal ducks in a row and when you next talk to him about it, show him you mean business.

Playing happy families I would find quite hard it this instance.

Do you have access to his emails he would be getting emails from the dating site I imagine.

Don't walk on egg shells.

You know it's him ....trust your gut instinct.

Playing happy families I would find quite hard it this instance

I honestly could not judge whether or not there is a basis for your insecurity re. your husband, but I think maybe you should deal with your own general insecurities first.

1. You can't trust
2. You are afraid of living alone and supporting yourself

Can you possibly get therapy and/or a job and/or find out what benefits you would be entitled to as a single mother?

As I say, I am not passing judgement on your husband or whether or not you should stay or leave, just, if you felt more capable of going it alone, that would help with your insecurities.

If some day you do decide to split up, your daughter will still be able to see and spend time with her dad, probably even more than she does now.

I just called him. Said I needed some reassurance that he hasn't done anything. He promised me he hadn't talked to any other girls, he said he had spoken to me and only me. Which, technically he has without knowing. I think we're at a stalemate where we both know it's each other but neither of us will say. If I confront him, he'll tell me it's not him and I have no real proof that he is. He got a bit exasperated with me and said he shouldn't have to keep reassuring me. All the time I know he's lying. But I'm not strong enough to be on my own yet. I will have to keep living a lie. At least until I've got the strength to call him on this. What a mess.

How sad.

Op with all due respect he's really unlikely to say "yes I've actually got a profile online and its registered in the area where I am working" is he?