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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband may be cheating?

82 replies

aDvice2 · 22/09/2014 15:10

Am I paranoid? DH has started keeping his phone on him at all times. He used to come home from work and put everything from his pockets on top his chest of drawers, but now it's just keys & wallet with mobile in his pocket. He's started only charging it at night as well. He's going out with work colleagues and traveling more than normal.

If he gets home late he sleeps in the spare room to not disturb me (normal) as we have a young child, but always used to leave his phone on charge downstairs - now phone and charger are with him in spare bedroom.

After a very odd weekend of never seeing the phone and him acting aggressive when I asked to borrow it because mine was in the boot, this morning I got up to check it while he was showing and realised he'd taken it into the bathroom with him?!

I just have a horrible feeling something is going on.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 23/09/2014 16:43

onelastflight - your name says it all really, how depressing that people actually think it's a green light to have an affair if you are not getting it at home, after all, men just drop dead don't they.

Jan45 · 23/09/2014 16:44

onelastfling - bloody predictive text lol.

BeCool · 23/09/2014 16:45

onelastfight?

onelastfling · 23/09/2014 16:51

If a partner isn't getting regular sex at home, male or female, and that person sees sex as important, necessary part of the marriage, then it makes them more at risk of being vulnerable to an affair.

I'm only stating facts (as told to me by a marriage counsellor)

onelastfling · 23/09/2014 16:52

onelastfling - your name says it all really,

Actually, my username refers to food.
Onelastfling before going on a diet.

Don't jump to conculsions you say? :)

onelastfling · 23/09/2014 16:54

Lack of sex/affection with spouse + opportunity can sometimes lead to an affair is what meant to say

corkgirlindublin · 23/09/2014 16:57

A successful relationship is based on nourishing all of your partner: emotionally, mentally and physically. Sex is one part of it. OPs dh is, best case scenario, being cagey and dishonest. Maybe the OP should seek an affair with a man that cares for her emotional needs

Fairenuff · 23/09/2014 17:00

There is only one person to blame for cheating and that is the person who is cheating. If he is not happy with his sex life he has plenty of options to do something about it, including ending his relationship.

If he is cheating that is his choice, not OP's. It is entirely his choice, his responsibility, his fault.

Original poster

aDvice2 · 24/09/2014 12:36

Thanks again everyone. Phone went into bathroom with him again this morning. We're out together this evening so I may raise it then, in public so he can't make much of a scene. I know there is a risk he will deny it and go to greater lengths to hide it, but I don't see another way esp with the phone on him at all times there's no way to go 'ninja' as someone earlier put it (v funny). Am scared. I never thought I'd be in this position.

OP posts:

seasavage · 24/09/2014 12:47

OP. Of course, it is an awful situation to be in. A shame we can't arrange for MN ninja's to get the info you need. Strength at you.

Fairenuff · 24/09/2014 16:48

He will deny it. No doubt about that.

Your best bet is to tell him that you want access to his phone, right here, right now and if he tries to resist you will know that he has something to hide.

Even then he will probably refuse and dash of to clear any messages.

Personally, I would play it cool and wait for him to slip up and leave it unattended. Sooner or later that will happen and then you can get all the evidence you want.

BeCool · 24/09/2014 18:21

He will no doubt have his phone password protected so even if you did get hold of it chances are you couldn't access it. Bugger!

You need to do the direct ask I think.

YellowTulips · 25/09/2014 11:39

What he can't deny is that his "protectionism" of his phone is obsessive.

No one normally takes their phone to the loo with them.

So he can't deny he is hiding something.

The only way to resolve this is for him to give you his phone. If he won't then he's basically saying to you that what he is hiding is worth more than your relationship.

At which point, whatever is on his phone ceases to matter because he's basically called time on you as a couple.

Sorry OP

Original poster

aDvice2 · 25/09/2014 15:34

I confronted him last night. Told him he has three options: give me the phone, tell me everything, or pack a suitcase. He denied everything but didn't give me the phone. I left the venue to walk home and 10 minutes later he said he was wrong and I can look at it - definitely thinks I'm an idiot.

OP posts:

Original poster

aDvice2 · 25/09/2014 15:34

He did have the decency to leave though.

OP posts:

Jan45 · 25/09/2014 15:39

So was there no conversation between the two of you?

Original poster

aDvice2 · 25/09/2014 15:42

Not really - he's denying everything and I can't believe he wouldn't show me his phone. I suppose we're taking some time apart.

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2014 15:45

Oh heck. Sprry aDvice - it seems he was banged to rights

How are you?

Original poster

aDvice2 · 25/09/2014 15:46

Shocked? A bit numb actually.

OP posts:

BeCool · 25/09/2014 15:47

Well done for confronting him - that must have been hard.

So he says you can't see the phone, you leave, and then 10 minutes later (after he's had a chance to delete anything incriminating) he says you can see the phone?

Have you looked at it then - or did he just say that? Or did you tell him not to bother as he's had notice to delete everything?

How are you feeling aDvice? Do you think you and he will be able to have an open/frank/honest conversation now? Would you trust him anyway?

You've started to take charge of the situation - don't stop now. What's your next step?

Dowser · 25/09/2014 15:48

Interesting!

Keep strong

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2014 15:53

I st an iphone OP?

If so, you can still put in words into the spotlight search and it will find them

Original poster

aDvice2 · 25/09/2014 15:59

I told him not to bother, that he'd told me everything though his actions. I don't trust anything he says. I need some time away from him.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 25/09/2014 16:20

Told him he has three options: give me the phone, tell me everything, or pack a suitcase.

He chose to pack a suitcase, so yes, it's over.

Sorry OP but he is clearly cheating and is still lying about it so he has really left you no other choice.

Where is he staying tonight, do you know?

BeCool · 25/09/2014 16:23

I told him not to bother, that he'd told me everything though his actions. I don't trust anything he says. I need some time away from him.

Loving all the "I's" in this post OP - I Told ..., I Don't .... I need ....
You sound powerful, focused and not to be messed with, even at this dreadful time.

Keep it up!

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