Husband may be cheating?

[aDvice2]

Am I paranoid? DH has started keeping his phone on him at all times. He used to come home from work and put everything from his pockets on top his chest of drawers, but now it's just keys & wallet with mobile in his pocket. He's started only charging it at night as well. He's going out with work colleagues and traveling more than normal.

If he gets home late he sleeps in the spare room to not disturb me (normal) as we have a young child, but always used to leave his phone on charge downstairs - now phone and charger are with him in spare bedroom.

After a very odd weekend of never seeing the phone and him acting aggressive when I asked to borrow it because mine was in the boot, this morning I got up to check it while he was showing and realised he'd taken it into the bathroom with him?!

I just have a horrible feeling something is going on.

Very suspicious- a distinct change in behaviours. I would spend a couple of days getting your cues of all paperwork in order - or originals and leave him with copies- and then confront him with the ultimatum.

I once had an ex I was very suspicious of. I took his phone from his pocket in a pub when he left his jacket on a chair. I went to the loo and went through it, found texts, emails,photos, phone number, dates in his diary. Screen shotted them ad sent them to myself then returned phone. to pocket- he was still playing pool.

A couple of days later, he came home from work and told me outright lies when I asked him and then accused me of not trusting him and then of invading his privacy. Then he cried, said it would never happen again , begged for another chance. I told him his suitcases were in the garage, packed.

Just to be more specific - is there any way to access imessages that have been deleted from an iphone (assuming the iphone has been plugged into a Macbook at some stage).

Emsyj, I expect so, somewhere, in backups perhaps?

Emsyj, start a thread asking how to do it, as I have seen on here before how to do it but not paid any attention.

www.recovery-transfer.com/about/Recover-iPhone-iMessages-on-Mac.html

Thanks everyone. The 'find iPhone' feature was enabled and it's now not. Directly in-line with the suspicious behaviour starting.

When I asked to use his phone we were in the car. He pushed back a few times with excuses (it's in my pocket, no opps hold on other one, am driving etc etc) but I pushed and he gave it to me. I looked at what we were talking about and nothing else. Gave it right back. He was terrified - the suspense in the car was palpable.

Ug this is going to be awful isn't it.

Yes it will - but better in an awful place with your dignity intact and the opportunity to rebuild (with or without him) than where you are now with him humiliating you with his shoddy behaviour.

Upshot is it may not be an OW, but whatever it is it's something he's at great pains to make sure you don't find out about.

Other posters a right about getting your act together re:financials. I just couldn't wait tbh - but then I am a bit impetuous - when I caught ex cheating my first action was to lock myself in the bedroom and cut the buttons of every (v expensive) shirt he owned and leave them in a pile on the bed

Doesn't sound good at all, OP. My DP started acting the same way. One night, he came in late and I asked him if he thought I was a fucking idiot. I demanded to see his phone but he didn't hand it over. He wasn't aggressive, just loads of 'not while you're like this' and 'I'll let you see it when you've calmed down tomorrow'. I never got to see that phone as I convinced myself overnight I was being stupid. I wasn't. Months later I found out about OW.

I was one of those people that thought he'd never do that to me so I managed to convince myself that I was being paranoid at all the warning signs.

We are still together (I feel like I have to keep stating that, like a disclaimer whenever I post on relationships) but I wish I'd been more savvy and took more notice of the signs earlier on. It could have saved a lot of heartache and wasted time.

Upnotdown, what would you do differently?

I wouldn't be so quick to defend him to myself. I'd listen to my gut instinct instead of thinking 'he wouldn't do that to me'. I'd play my cards closer to my chest and instead of demanding to see his phone that night, I would have gone out of my way to get access to it whilst he was asleep...

Sounds sneaky but I'd rather have known then, at that moment, than gone through the months that followed until it all finally came out.

Is he a light sleeper? Does he close the spare room door tight, or is there any chance you could sneak in during the night and get the phone?

Is he a light sleeper? Does he close the spare room door tight, or is there any chance you could sneak in during the night and get the phone?

I'd be as worried about the aggressive behaviour as the cheating - he doesn't sound very nice tbh.

Forget the phone. Forget the apps.

You dont trust your husband therefore you have no relationship.

Quit now before you both get damaged

Trust your instincts, they are rarely wrong :-(

OP - Do you share a computer, or have access to the computer from where your H uses iTunes from where he updates music etc to his iPhone?

There is a very simple way to get access to the messages from the phone, all info (messages, contacts, emails etc are stored on the computer every time the phone is plugged into the computer.) As long as he hasn't turned off a specific setting in iTunes, which I very much doubt he will have done.

Please message me if you want to know how to do this, this will save you having to go Ninja to get the phone. And you can do it when he is not around.

Same sort of thing that my husband was doing. So sorry. I also found stuff on his phone and he was aggressive and wouldn't let me have it. I was too scared to push him. Months later I caught him out cos he had left his Facebook account on the PC.
You can get an app to retrieve deleted iPhone messages. Just google it.
I would feign an emergency to get the phone off him. Or take it and hide it somewhere. Can u hack his mobile account and identify numbers?
I was so in denial of what my husband did I didn't trust my suspicions but crikey I really wish I had!
I bet you can figure out his passwords to fb, emails etc. I managed to. I got his payslips, bank statements along with evidence of the affair, plus screenshots of conversations, texts etc all hidden for a rainy day. I am still with him for now but I am undecided. So make sure you get all this info before you confront him.
I hope you are ok. Men are tossers.

Music?

Has his style of music changed?

Mine went from a genre that took in 70s, 80s classics, rock, rem etc to warbling women like Nellie furtado?

Who!

Exactly!

My daughter was not amused.

Clothing?

He went from wearing anything to black t shirts. I bought him a t shirt and he said oh, I only wear black now!

Oh heck OP - it deosn't sound good

Good luck!

Sorry but this is EXACTLY what my ex was like while he was having an affair.
I knew really. Challenged him. He denied it. We carried on. I found proof eventually and it ended.
I wasted 8+ months though 'trying to find proof'
I wish I'd had MN back then.
This is not a court of law. You do NOT need proof! It helps but you already know really!

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Do you have a close friend you can confide in. A problem shared and all that!!
Look after yourself. Keep hydrated and keep your sugar levels up.
for you.

It's depressing how sad and predictable they are isn't it?

What do they think their partner will do when they start going all secret squirrel with their phone? Not notice?

God could he be any more guilty - yes he's doing something behind your back, classic behaviours there, I don't like he thinks it's ok to get angry and aggressive, again, a good sign of a man in a panic.

You say your husband sleeps in the spare room a lot (because you have a young child)
Well I'm sorry, but if a husband isn't getting regular sex at home then there's a good chance he's going to be looking for it elsewhere.

It's not popular to say this on MN, but if there's a lack of sex, then you are making your partner 'vulnerable' to an affair, if nothing else.

His strange behaviour, plus if it's coupled with a lack of regular sex (just guessing here), then I would say there's a good chance he's having an affair.
Sorry :( Hope I'm wrong.

What a ridiculous post onelastfling. Men are not animals. For lots of reasons stable happy marriages can have dry spells - cosleeping babies, depression, recovery from childbirth etc etc. No decent man looks for it elsewhere if they love and respect you.

A decent man puts his energy into understanding why your sex life is faltering and will try to remedy it, not go look for an affair.

You have a very poor opinion of men.

onelast the OP says this: If he gets home late he sleeps in the spare room to not disturb me

Although she could have possibly said "If he gets home late (from shagging OW) he sleeps in the spare room to not disturb me".

And yet you stride in to say the OP is depriving this poor man of his right to sex, no wonder he is having an affair.

What about the OP need to a good nights sleep? The solution could easily be how about her H gets home earlier and goes to bed with his wife?

But no, you jump on in and blame the OP for not shagging her disgrace of a H more.

Blimey! Have you no awareness of victim blaming at all?