husband blames me partly for his heart attack !!

[whatisforteamum]

Ive posted before but cant find other threads,Long story short 28 yrs together.2 teens and lots of external stress as both my parents have incurable cancer.
Dh and i had a row this morning as he had apologized for going golfing so we couldnt have a holiday as mine was at a set time that couldnt be changed (new job) and he kept fobbing me off then still went ahead with a sat golf so i wasted 2 weeks bored silly and upset.
TBH i dont usually go as im not a fan of long journeys but with Dads cancer back i thought a break would be good.
Apparently the golf is exercise for his heart after his heart attack last nov.I pointed out we could both have gone out on those days and money.He then said if i cooked for him so he didnt have ready meals that may have caused his attack !!!
Forget the fact he is quite overweight borderline obese,and when i used to cook healthily he still bought choc bars saying you only have one life and his mum died at 44 from a heart attack and his dad had 2.
Turns out he now has 4 more sessions in sept ( after promising we could go out),I do feel mean for asking him every week why he just does his own thing and i take the blame that ive missed other hols.
I dont take the blame for his ill health though wjhen he has a meal 2 hrs later than the 2 kids and they are all quite fussy.Im just sad that he has become so selfish and different to the man ive known.Also i dread being left just with him when my parents die if he has no thought for me now.BTW im slim and walk evrywhere and no one has ever made me a sandwich though he does keep me some roast left overs when i work week ends.
Sorry for going on thanks for reading.

You need to sit down with him when both of you are calm and talk this out. He is trying to make you responsible for decisions he makes and he is showing little consideration for you. Don't argue but discuss these serious problems and try to come to a compromise. You can go on holiday without him or short city breaks or he could call off the golf if that is possible? I think your family problems are weighing down on you and he is unable to offer the support you need because he is worried about his own health so you have each got locked up in your own worries. Communication may be the solution.

Sorry but i do sense a whiff of male entitlement here. Cant he cook healthy meals for himself or does testosterone explode on contact with saucepans

I had this when DH had his heart attack back in 2006. He blamed me because my DM caused stress by using his illness to try to bully me into staying indoors with him 24/7 saying that i must not go out anywhere as i had to keep an eye on him.

I think hes using the fact that hes had a heart attack to try and control you.
He is making you responsible for his own behaviour and choices.

i agree with you both.thank you for your replies.I think we do both have alot on our plates,and our daughter is looking for a job.
Felinelou i have tried to discuss ( he calls it going on) all summer the possibility of him not going out so much when we could both go somewhere.He took 2 weekdays off with me to go out but had a lie in both days rather than get up ( i am a morning person) and ending up puttting in a fence panel :(
Darkesteyes i dont feel resonsible for him he is 54 and all my years of pleading with him to eat more healthily as i was worried about him with his mum having a fatal heart attack all he ever said was " i will eat what i like you only have one life"!!
His love of burgers,bacon and ice creams is not going to change after the 28 yrs ive known him
i didnt go to the hospital with him in the ambulance either as partly the kids were home and i didnt want to leave them at midnight and i just got home from work also i didnt feel too sorry for him (sounds dreadful).

What are your reasons for staying? What on earth do you get out of this relationship?

He blames you for his poor choices, he has no respect whatsoever for your time, he prioritises golfing over spending any time with you, he sounds like he's been an unsupportive dick about your poor parents, he refuses to take responsibility for himself.

If the only thing keeping you there is the fact that there is a ring on your finger, then you might need to do some thinking.

Did you cause the build up of plaque in his artery?
Did you cause the muscle in his heart to die?
No.
Therefore not your fault.

He sounds pathetic, he can't accept responsibility for his own lifestyle choices so he's blaming you.
The golfing is incredibly selfish if its stopping you from having treats too.

TBH i have tried to change his eating habits and encourage him over the years but in recent times i was told he would do what the f he liked.Sometimes he would say "yum" in a mocking voice when eating a magnum.He knew i was worried about being left with 2 dcs if he passed away like his own mum did when he was 16.He has moobs he is so heavy.I can have treats too but having worked all the last 10yrs on off weekends i thought it would be nice to have fun together.
My reasons for staying kaykayblue are financial and i wanted to get the kids through school now i feel bogged down by ill parents although they would be horrified to think my choices were due to their illnesses.I could weep about how my life is going...all stress no fun :(

if you cant face leaving him (is money ever really worth years of your life wasted?) then just start to live more independently
go on holiday without him for a start

Don't stay. The fact that you didn't feel sorry for him when he was having a heart attack, and the fact that he blames you, says it all = you have no love or respect for each other, and you'll be doing your children no favours by staying together. They'll pick up on the atmosphere. Do you want them to grow up thinking such disdain and hatred for your partner is normal?

Finance isn't enough. You're wasting your life, and as he should be more than aware, it doesn't last long enough as it is.

you have a choice here - if you don't want to leave then you need to start building your own life. get out and start doing things you enjoy. if you want to go and do something and he is playing golf or having a lie in, then go and do them. don't sit downstairs getting angry. go on a city break by yourself, an organised coach tour if you feel nervous going alone.

He sounds pretty horrible to be honest OP, but if you want to spend the rest of your life with this man (and I do realise the grass isn't always greener), maybe plan for what suits you.

Would you like to learn to play golf - seriously it's something my own parents got a lot of pleasure from when they were older, and made lots of joint friends.

Is there anything stopping you going away on your own, or with a friend?

Build your own life, tell him what and why you're doing it, and that he'll have to fit in.

ww.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2161256-Deeply-hurt-and-lost-no-idea-what-to-do-next

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2135664-At-a-crossroad

He is monosyllabic and more recently is given to tell you to STFU. You get no acknowledgement on birthdays or Mother's Day. On other people's threads you have said what a lonely thing marriage can be. What is the good of sticking with a 20+ year marriage when you two fell out of love a very long time ago?

I see you post on Relationships threads and worry you are putting yourself under so much stress. A cold bored H and parents who always had more time for your siblings and their offspring.

Don't get me wrong - I understand that you want to see DD and DS through their schooling and dread the idea of losing the children. They are teens, old enough to recognize a relationship that's dead in the water. And old enough to see you without H's say so, if you separated. Why does it have to be one thing (unhappy marriage and DCs caught in the middle) or nothing?

This is an occasion when I would LTB.

Make him grow up and take responsibility for himself and stop being such a selfish arsehole.

Go out and grab life by the balls, find happiness and love and someone who cherishes you and shares your interests or is at least is willing to do things you like even if they don't because they like to see you enjoying yourself.

Tell your DH that his heart attack has made you realise that we not get one ifs and yours is not spending it with this selfish arse.

Your DCs will respect you a whole lot more for not being a door mat.

Great food for thought ladies.I have selfishly saved a pot of money that i used to refer to as my divorce money,DH doesnt know about it obviously.
I have had my own life in regards to work for ten yrs but i am nervous about meeting new friends and often make excuses to stay in (this will have to change)
you are so right Donkeysdont ride bicycles my parent had my sisters 2 little ones monday so she could work in london and often do.They told me i had chosen to have kids i had made my bed i could lie in it !!so they help their adopted dd and not their 2 own.
I do think his major heart attack has made him think of his needs after working long hrs for yrs,and im sure our DCs dont want to hear the dad being so aggressive or just plain rude.
I always go out if he does but only for a boring window shop or to get kids clothes.
I have told DH no more sleeping downstairs as it is not fair.
I dont have the slightest clue how people split up after so long and with no support in place,i wouldnt know where to begin except legal advice.i think i had almost resigned myself to this way of life.

Well it does happen at this stage and longer. Sometimes you are given no choice. The rug is pulled and your recovery is up to you, however if you still care for this man and you think you still have a future here's a few ideas

Rule number one ...we can't change the other person, only ourselves but by changing ourselves the other person also begins to change.

What are your interests? He goes to play golf. You like walking. How about seeing if there's a rambling association in your area.

I've just started at a jewellery making class last night. I could choose from zumba, Indian cookery, dressmaking and sign language. I know a woman got a whole new career out of learning sign language when her husband upped and left.

Go out and have some fun girl and stop putting all the focus on him! If nothing else you'll meet a great bunch of women, someone to have a laugh with . The days where women had to put up and shut up thankfully are long gone. I did a women's assertiveness course over 25 years ago and never looked back.

There's also companies who offer holidays for people on their own. Special interest holidays for people who like to paint / write etc

When my piece of doo doo started acting up I took myself off to Spain for a week. Had a fab time. Went to Florida with friends, I took up sailing, skiing in other words I lived my life.

He set me free and I had a blast! I met some great people, had some good laughs . I changed the way I behaved and I lived.

Go for it. There's a great big world out there.

( now having a blast with my new man and loving it!)

Inspiring, Dowser.

good for you dowser.

the only thing i would say in his defence OP (even though he sounds like a tonk) is don't go on at him about what he's eating. he's not a child. that would really drive me mad and send me to the magnums!

I dont now tess73 if he wants to eat what he likes and risk the possible heart bypass far be it for me to stop him i just watch him taking 6 pills a day for life now.
Great reply dowser glad you are having a great life now.You are so right about the eve class thing that sounds like a plan (love jewellery,pottery creative things),not sure about expensive hols as i work part time,but im going to start spending a bit of my "escape fund" :)

Fill the freezer with fatty stuff & wait for the life insurance to become payable. Seriously, I'd kill him with kindness. It's the quickest & cheapest way out of this.

Life, as its often said, is very short.

:)

My mums been banging her head against a brick wall with my dad over this for 40 years which is why I have that view point.

Y'know what's nice? Real butter. Marg is sooo 1990's.

Your husband seems selfish and dim. Sorry.

My husband blamed me for his appendicitis. I baked a really rich chocolate cake (huge and in a tray as I was making it shaped as a nintendo ds) for ds1s birthday. He blames ME for baking such a rich cake, not himself for eating 25% of the cake in one sitting! They said his appendix was filled to the rim with chocolatey goo.

Mine must be dim too.