husband blames me partly for his heart attack !!

[whatisforteamum]

Ive posted before but cant find other threads,Long story short 28 yrs together.2 teens and lots of external stress as both my parents have incurable cancer.
Dh and i had a row this morning as he had apologized for going golfing so we couldnt have a holiday as mine was at a set time that couldnt be changed (new job) and he kept fobbing me off then still went ahead with a sat golf so i wasted 2 weeks bored silly and upset.
TBH i dont usually go as im not a fan of long journeys but with Dads cancer back i thought a break would be good.
Apparently the golf is exercise for his heart after his heart attack last nov.I pointed out we could both have gone out on those days and money.He then said if i cooked for him so he didnt have ready meals that may have caused his attack !!!
Forget the fact he is quite overweight borderline obese,and when i used to cook healthily he still bought choc bars saying you only have one life and his mum died at 44 from a heart attack and his dad had 2.
Turns out he now has 4 more sessions in sept ( after promising we could go out),I do feel mean for asking him every week why he just does his own thing and i take the blame that ive missed other hols.
I dont take the blame for his ill health though wjhen he has a meal 2 hrs later than the 2 kids and they are all quite fussy.Im just sad that he has become so selfish and different to the man ive known.Also i dread being left just with him when my parents die if he has no thought for me now.BTW im slim and walk evrywhere and no one has ever made me a sandwich though he does keep me some roast left overs when i work week ends.
Sorry for going on thanks for reading.

Even if you dont LTB, it sounds like it's time you both took care of yourselves.

In his case, he has avoided the basics, eating properly and keeping fit, while he allows himself the fun.

In your case, you do all the hard work of basic care, for yourself and others, but are missing out on enjoyment.

You both are living out of balance lives. The DCs are old enough that they arent really a concern anymore. Not in the way of primary school children anyway.

If he wont go to counselling, go yourself. And begin preparing for LTB or widowhood within the next 5 years cause one of those is bound to happen.

Its all very well saying that OP shouldnt remind him that doing this or that is bad for his health but why do you think men do this. Because they know damn well that in our mysogynistic society, women are expected to be the carers. So they know that if they get ill we would be expected to step up to the plate. Reverse the genders when a woman in a couple gets ill and its a different story. DH had a heart attack in 2006 Hes had a few angina attacks since then. I didnt always go with him because i simply couldnt afford the night time taxi fare home from the hospital. The alternative was sitting up at the hospital all night with no sleep to wait for the first morning bus. In Feb 2008 i developed a kidney infection I was in incredible pain had watery diarrheoa and lost conciousness and passed out several times. I was taken to hospital... DH drove to see me the next day and huffed and puffed over having to bring in my meds. Then my OWN FATHER had a go at me asking me why i didnt remember to take my own meds with me to the hospital so that DH wouldnt have to. Its a bit hard to remember to take things with you when you are unconcious. However as i own a vagina and not a penis different rules seem to apply. And some people are only too willing to take advantage of the way it is OP!!!!

I did go to hospital with DH when he had his heart attack but not always the subsequent angina attacks.

Because if i had had to pay the taxi fare home from the hospital and then DH had to pay a taxi fare home after they had stabilized him the council tax wouldnt have got paid because it would have all been spent on taxis.

sorry to here that darkest..the consequences do affect everyone.I wouldve thought losing his mum wouldve made him not repeat it on our dcs,however maybe it caused his love of comfort food.His arteries were 70% and 90% blocked.TBH he did look after me when i lost alot of weight and had panic attacks at 23.
I thinkwe are just having our own problems and he seems to have changed A LOT.
I will have to forge more of my own life so when i watch mum and dad go through the harsh chemo again (or worse) i will have my own outlet for stress.

YY Whatis DHs arteries were 60 to 70% blocked. He eats cream cake and choc biscuits and stuff but he says "well i gave up smoking"

To be fair he did look after me also when i developed gallstones in 2002 after losing a lot of weight.

Im sorry that your parents are ill. Its bloody selfish of him not to take that into account. He must know how much stress you are under.

Why are you staying with him? You surely don't think you are going to joyfully sail into your elder years with him, happy and peaceful? The man's a complainer - and also lazy about his health..far easier to play the blame game than actually do something about it. His health will worsen if he goes on in this way, and if god forbid he has another heart attack there you will be - held hostage by guilt for life. Your parents have incurable cancer so your thoughts must be all over the place - and you have this to deal with too?!

I won't say LTB - just that, there's no point deeming somebody else's life as more important than yours, unless you are their mother.

They can get very manipulative too. When DH was recovering in hospital after the heart attack the staff nurse came up to me as i was leaving and said "He does love you you know in his own way" He must have mentioned something to her about our marriage for him to say that.

for "her" to say that.

Another point of view here, OP. IMHO, with or without your DH, you've got to start building your own life. It is dreadful that if he goes to play golf, you are left with nothing to do.

Your children are virtually grown, why don't you join a club or take evening classes?

Says she who stays at home every night

Buy him a McDonald's gift voucher that'll last him for a year and go out and do your own thing. Why are you wasting your life with this man?

Heh, Darkesteyes - that's code for "even though he's a prick you should suck it up". Yeah, fuck that.

Ha ha you have made me smile.Tues was my day off so i duly cleaned the house(he did all the ironing sun when i worked)cooked an evening meal and he was home 730.After he had the bath ate his meal i went to talk to him and got snapped at emmerdale was on.Came upstairs watched tv.He rang his golf man then rang his brother.He talks loudly so i went and asked him if he could talk in the hall as i was watching tv.He purposley made a point of saying FFS so his brother could hear his rude wife.
When he got off the phone he said it was rude to interupt and i did last time i pointed out he virtually shouts and how come he couldnt speak to me but could to others as ive worked all weekend and he goes off before 5am.
Dad is going into hosp in a couple of weeks and mum has her 6 month check(her cancer is set to return quicker than last remision).
It looks increasingly like the marriage is dead in the water.We havent even had sex for 2 months as he has gone off it when he ws previously like a rampant rabbit.
I need to make friends as of now to get some support through the winter.i could cope with being ships in the night before as i thought we were going to do things when the mortgage was paid last yr.How did i end up with this childlike 54 yr old,sulky and sweary then charming as soon as anyone calls but he tries to deny it.
you are so right i need my own life as i was depending on spending time with DH as i thought seperate lives would tear us apart.

YY however "even though hes a prick you should suck it up" because we need the bed

Whatis he is treating you with absolute contempt You deserve so much better you really do. This is all down to society expecting women to be the carer and nurturer in the relationship. Men like your husband KNOW this is expected and WILL take advantage of it.

I wish id been on MN back then I would have seen that nurses comment for the manipulation it was.

If someone ever tried that again i would be putting in a complaint.

yes well we always think it is us Darkesteyes,too needy not caring enough,i learnt my lesson young look after yourself or your body will pay you back i wasted my early 20s to an eating disorder then i sorted myself out.Can i ask is the reason your marriage is sexless to do with the heart attack and meds your DH takes ?

He stopped wanting sex back in 1996 His heart attack was in 2006. There has been no sex and affection during that time. Thats why i find it so hard when i get male attention.
I dont think the meds help but the problems were before the heart attack I was seeing my ex OM around that time.

That is hard to live with Darkest,even the no sex but lots of affection would be tricky,My DH says he lives in fear of another attack.Probably like my parents waiting for their cancer to become active(dads has).You must love him or is it a financial reason for staying.We couldnt afford 2 homes.

Im 41 with no children There are women who were in abusive situations who are now homeless I saw an article which said 4 in 10 women are homeless due to domestic abuse. Women and children are being refused accomodation due to cutbacks. Id stand no chance. Throw in workfare zero hours etc and the chances of finding a job that pays enough are nil. I love my DH like i do my dad and my brother if that makes sense. And i certainly couldnt afford to eat healthily like i have been in the last 14 months losing 3 stone. DH stopped me from going out to work for quite a few years in the late 90s saying i couldnt earn enough. (there was no minimum wage at the time and no tax credits for people without kids like there is now)

Hi Darkest a bit like me then.i have savings but only work part time.i dont think i could cope with fulltime.
Well DH came home thurs later than usual qiute drunk and stuffed with food.Hiccupping on the sofa then went to bed.Today he just went out to watch football after having a go at DD who i had asked to cook a curry.She is 17 and helping out while apprenticeships are being applied for.I tried to call him to see when he is back no answer.All things pointing to a legal separation really.I cant afford a house but this is ridiculous.We already work strange hrs and this bad communication and no sex is just crazy.
Wow on the weight loss Darkest,good for you :).

Thanks whatis Christ almighty whatis hes a ticking time bomb. Hes not helping himself at all and im willing to bet hes expecting you to deal with the fallout DH has had victoria sponge and creamy trifles this week and biscuits. Now we have bodily autonomy in this country and its controlling to tell someone else what to eat and i do get that. But in cases where women are expected to pick up any fallout i think a bit of sexism does come into it here.

Because whatis if it was you and me doing it we would be getting a lot more judgement and people saying "oh you need to think of your husband/kids etc.

Well we had a good talk (well i did most of it) and he said i cant make him feel guilty my Dads cancer has spread!! I only pointed out i wanted to have some fun before dad is very ill again or worse.Surely most people who have lost their parents know how bad this winter could be for me.Having seen them very ill last yr can he not make any effort with me.Unreal.I will have to have driving refresher lessons as i cant drive far.I know what you mean about being irresponsible.I have watched DH eat alot of high calorie food the last few yrs and just let him.If i say anything he just tells me off.I feel sorry that losing his Mum to aheart attack at 16 didnt make him realize it could happen to him.I honestly cant believe who he has turned into.

My dh had a heart attack 15 years ago. Fwiw we haven't had sex since and we are both very happy, loving and contented. We do most things together and when we do do separate things (eg he goes to London for cricket) we do by mutual agreement. We are now aged 78 and 70. Your problems op are more to do with your husband's personality than his health. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this uncaring man?

YY whatis winter is a very bad time for people with certain illnesses. You are not trying to make him feel guilty that your dads cancer has spread.

But save this one in your memory bank OP.

See how he likes it when you say he cant make you feel guilty when/if his illness gets worse.

the grey lady im glad you have had some lovely times since your DH s heart attack.I am still in shock at what a bad effect it has had on him.The last few yrs he has been increasingly beligerent but i put this down to long working hrs and i wasnt alowed to tell him what to do housework wise while i worked.
Darkest i did say it is not my fault he has a love of bacon,burgers sweets etc and not my fault he had a heart attack.He is about 2 or 3 stone overweight ( not hugely) but enough to be a worry.
This is not a life for me and im sure we cant afford to split it just is far removed from the life we spent 28 yrs heading towards.One factor is my job which ive tried frantically to get away from by applying for 8 jobs.