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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Atmosphere with in laws- how to resolve

76 replies

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 15:18

There are tensions between me and my in laws. There has been no falling out or anything. However, there appears to be mutual antipathy. I feel that over the years they have been quite dismissive/unkind to me. There are several instances I can think of, but it is more just their general attitude towards me.

I've been fairly philosophical about this, but my husband told me today how difficult he finds it. He says they feel I don't like them. This is true, but I feel like this because of how I think they have been with me.

I think I have been quite selfish and not given enough thought to how difficult this must be for my DH. I need to find a way to try to move this situation forward. But I just go d it so difficult to be anything more than polite with them.

In the interests of not drop feeding, we have a 3 year old and a new baby (9 weeks). Things are not going well. The baby is not sleeping well. We are exhausted and I think I might have mild post natal depression.

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 21/09/2014 15:21

Is perhaps now the ideal time to show a bit of vulnerability and ask for their support? Do you trust them enough to do that? Perhaps even just saying 'We are struggling to get time to cook - could we possibly invite ourselves for Sunday lunch?'

hamptoncourt · 21/09/2014 15:25

Can you elaborate on the "dismissive and unkind" bit op?

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 15:32

Sparkle I think this sort of thing would be a great idea. I just don't know if I could trust them.
They are likely to say " oh well x had 25 children and worked 25 hours a day and managed fine. . . ."
I think they think I am a bit spoiled and precious. There is a bit of inverse snobbery here I think.
I'm really struggling with the new baby and do feel quite vulnerable and teary. Not sure how I would feel if something like this happened.

OP posts:

DwellsUndertheSink · 21/09/2014 15:43

Id phone your MIL and and tell her you are sorry if she feels that you dont like her, because you really do, but you are finding number 2 exhausting and stressful. tell her how vulnerable and teary and hormonal you feel.

You may find you suddenly have a fierce protector and a great ally. Everyone loves to be needed.

One of you has to make the first move, it might as well be you.

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 15:43

Hamptoncourt, the sort of things that spring to mind are;

After my first child was born by c section they came to visit. There were no chairs left when I came in the room. They let me sit on the floor. My fil then complained about lack of sugar I his coffee and asked me to get him more. Stupidly I did.

When I was pregnant with the new baby I had a few complications/bleeding. This was around Christmas. They came for Christmas dinner which my DH and I catered for. When we were eating I felt a bit sick and asked my DH to turn the heating Off as i was feeling faitn.Mt fil shouted "god no, don't turn it off, I've got a cold".

When they arrived that day, my mil asked how I was. I told her I had been back in hospial with more bleeding. She raised her eyebrows and walked past me into the other room without a word.

They make barbed comments about my social "class". They think I am posh.

They make barbed comments about me being bossy/controlling of my husband. These can be made in company.

On our wedding day, they made no positive comment to me whatsoever. They didn't even compliment my dress. After the wedding my fil complained many times that he didn't have enough to eat at the evening buffet.

There are others which I'm happy to describe but don't want to bore people!

OP posts:

Oldladyhip · 21/09/2014 15:46

Your problem is not your in laws. It's your husband.

It is not normal to treat your DIL lik that, the mother of your DGCs.

Tell your DH it's tough he feels in the middle, but you've just had a baby and you need him 100%.

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 16:04

Old lady, I sort of feel like this, but I feel really bad for my DH.

And maybe they are like this with me because I've been "off" with them. We got on not badly when we first met. It's hard to say how/when this situation came about.

OP posts:

Cerisier · 21/09/2014 16:10

They sound awful- rude and inconsiderate.

Where was DH when you had to sit on the floor, if he was in the room why didn't he stand up and sort things out?

hamptoncourt · 21/09/2014 16:17

I agree with PP. You do not have a PILS problem you have a DH problem.

How does he react when his parents are treating you so appallingly? Does he just stare at his shoes and then say afterwards "Oh well, you know what they're like?"

Why do you feel badly for DH? If he had stood up for you then his parents would know they could not treat you like this and the situation would have resolved itself.

Bearing in mind how vulnerable you are right now I would say it is absolutely not the right time to be repairing things. You need to concentrate on your own health and well being and let DH sort out any issues with his parents.

When you feel up to it I would be having a very straight conversation with DH about how if he wants you to have any kind of positive relationship with PILS, he needs to man up and tell them every single time they mistreat you. If he is too worried about upsetting his mummy then I guess you know where you stand.

Please see the doctor if you are down.

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 16:18

He was in the room. He did say "mermaid, are you ok sitting on the floor?" But in an attempt to not be seen as precious/making a fuss I was all breezy and " yes, yes, totally fine! I'm great!".

This time I had a planned section. I was determined not to fall into the same trap. I was firmly ensconced on the sofa when they came to visit. When my fil asked how I was, I said I was ok, but had had an infection in my wound so it was a bit painful and slowing my recover, to which he snapped" well, you look all right to me"!

OP posts:

JanineStHubbins · 21/09/2014 16:19

Was your DH sitting down at the time?

hamptoncourt · 21/09/2014 16:24

mermaid this just isn't on. The appropriate response would have been for DH to leap up and offer you his seat and glare at PILS saying "she just had a C section FFS!"

Is he afraid of upsetting them? He needs to be more afraid of upsetting you.

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 16:26

No! That would be really really bad!
He was standing up holding the baby.
We had agreed he would keep hold of her as the in laws smoke and she was only a few days old. He was going to deal with requests to "have a go" of the baby.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 21/09/2014 16:29

Did you sort out about his "friend" yet? Tbh I think he is a bit of a cock who doesn't care about your feelings very much

Badvoc123 · 21/09/2014 16:29

Your problem is your Dh.
What is he thinking saying this to you now of all times when you have. Newborn.
They sound vile.

ihatethecold · 21/09/2014 16:33

Do you have any parents op?
Can you get your much needed support from them?
I personally would want to keep well away from the in laws. They sound horrid.

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 16:38

Hi felicity!
No, I haven't done anything about that yet. I think I spoke too soon when I told you the baby was sleeping better. I'm getting about 3 hours a night. I feel a bit close to the edge to be honest.
I was really upset last night. He did the night for me and had taken the children over to his parents today to let me get a bit of a rest. I asked him not to say to his parents how much I was struggling and he said he wouldn't, but told me he feels caught in the middle of this situation. I think he wanted to talk to his mum about it, but I didn't really feel comfortable with this.
I just want everything to be pleasent and normal. I think this lack of sleep and associated stress is really getting to me.
Thanks for "recognising" me! That's really nice!

OP posts:

Original poster

mermaid101 · 21/09/2014 16:41

My mum is quite helpful, but she can be a bit tricky. I think she has narcissistic traits. I have posted about her on here a few times.

Maybe it's me? It does seem that I have problems with lots of different people??

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2014 16:47

If you think you have PND please speak to your GP asap; do not leave this at all.

Your problem also here is your DH as much as anything else; he is very much a product of their upbringing and parental conditioning accounts for an awful lot. He would dearly like you all to get along so he does not have to do or say anything to his parents!. He should realise now that his primary loyalty is to you, not them.

Your DH would have been better off taking them out instead in the fresh air rather than sit in his parents house.

I think his parents would have acted the same regardless, its not you but them. It is not your fault that they are this way and have such an inferiority complex.

FelicityGubbins · 21/09/2014 16:51

It is possible that you are a "sulker" rather than a "tackler" and that's why you seem to have problems communicating with some people, it's very hard to go against your own nature, but sometimes a good blow out clears the air and gives everyone the chance to start again with better behaviour.
Stop feeling apologetic for being tired for a start, my kids are a lot older than yours and I'm still knackered some days! Just be absolutely honest and at least it will give you an opportunity to sort out some of the more stressful situations

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/09/2014 17:01

Why are you even thinking about resolving this now.

Get medical support for yourself and then tackle the sleep problem (there is a very useful sleep section on here) then and only then should you be thinking about sorting out other adults issues

JammyGeorge · 21/09/2014 17:03

I could of wrote some of your examples, I was treated like that for years. I always took it on the chin and didn't want to cause hassle. I would tell DH when I'd been upset or obviously he'd be there himself but it was always a sort of DH 'right I'm going to tell them' followed by me talking DH down to smooth it over.

Then my mil verbally attacked me at DS1's 1st birthday party in front of a room full of people while i had DS in my arms. Then she hung back at the end of the party to have another go.

Afterwards something in me snapped. I said to DH if you are happy for someone to come into your house on your sons 1st birthday and speak to your wife like that you aren't the man I thought you were and if she does it again I'm throwing her out on her arse. I meant it, and he knew I did.

DH to his credit went round and gave them it both barrels. We weren't spoken to for a couple of months but they soon came crawling back. It was the best thing that ever happened to us, both of us. DH felt free of them in a strange way and was proud of himself.

Sorry I'm rambling on but I think what I'm trying to say is that there will come a point that things come to a head, but I'd leave that particular monster firmly locked away for now. You've enough on your plate with a baby and a toddler.

Also, in my experience keeping pils at arms length is the best plan. Everytime I made an effort they saw it as me showing weakness and an opportunity to walk all over me.

The key to this is your DH.

Cerisier · 21/09/2014 17:07

You need to be less of a doormat, saying things are fine then seething inside isn't on. I did this for many years then decided life was too short to put up with nonsense from family members. I have learned to speak up if I don't think people are behaving reasonably.

Also DH did point out (not unreasonably) that he wasn't a mind reader and if I said I was fine, he believed me. Now if I am not fine I point it out. Loudly.

Phineyj · 21/09/2014 18:50

It is not your fault you have multiple nuisances in your extended family - sounds more like bad luck! Just ignore them completely till you're feeling better. Definitely don't ask for help from people who have shown they are rude and unhelpful. Ask friends who like you and that you feel good when you are with. Stuff feeling guilty on DH's behalf - it's not like you're preventing him from seeing them.

Phineyj · 21/09/2014 18:51

Also, the time to sort out any problem is definitely not when you are hardly sleeping.

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