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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sisters boyfriend coming on to me

66 replies

Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:05

I'm having a very worrying time with my teenage daughter. My ex is being super difficult. I'm trying to move house. I'm feeling stressed and lonely and struggling to cope.
I was out for dinner with my dsis and her newish boyfriend recently. When she turned away he quickly kissed me on the lips while I was talking to him. I was shocked, made my excuses and left. He has now emailed me a big long email how he couldn't help himself he likes me etc
I'm furious.
I have a tricky relationship with my family. This sister has never had any luck with relationships and everyone is thrilled for her that she has met this guy. She's been on hols brought him to meet my mum etc. he has now dumped her but wants to still be friends with her and is staying in hers when he is in town. She is crazy about him. If the rest of my family find out he kissed me and has emailed me I will get the blame. I know it. I will be in absolute shit with everyone. Do I email him back to FUCK OFF? I don't want to have ever emailed him because then it's like I'm in correspondence with him.
I feel like this is going to end disastrously and I will be in massive trouble. Do I tell my sister? But she will be so angry with me and has really attacked me before and gone crying to the rest of my family who only sort of like me.
I am so pissed off with this donkey. I had just repaired situation with my sister and now I feel so guilty.
And I have too much on my plate to deal with. I just got email this morn.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 21/09/2014 11:09

Just tell EVERYONE the truth. Sister and family. If they don't believe you then bollocks to them. You've done nothing wrong so your conscience is clear.

BrowersBlues · 21/09/2014 11:15

Email him back and say fuck off and forward the email correspondence to your sister. You have done nothing wrong. If they find out which they might you will look bad for trying to hide it. If its any consolation to you I am having a dreadful time with my teenager and my EX is also being super difficult. It is shit and I understand what you are going through on that score. You have an awful lot to deal with at the moment and need this like a hole in the head.

Maybe other posters will advise you to say nothing. This could work too. I'm sorry to hear that you think your family only sort of like you. Maybe they are not worth bothering about. I hope it works out for you one way or another.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/09/2014 11:17

I'm annoyed on your behalf OP because this man has put you in a no win position whatever you do.
If you tell your family you say they'll place you in the wrong and if you don't say anything and it comes out later you'll look doubly wrong Sad

Does his email accept total responsibility and make it clear that you didn't encourage him?
I'd print it out and make a note on the back of where this took place, what time and how you left because of it.

I wouldn't engage with him at all, ignore him, but I think I would tell the family. Quite who to approach first if they're all so unsympathetic, I don't really know.

KleineDracheKokosnuss · 21/09/2014 11:24

You tell everyone. You did nothing wrong.

magoria · 21/09/2014 11:26

What would happen if you forwarded his message to your sister, mother & father asking her to tell him to fuck off because he is disgusting and you are uninterested?

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:28

Thanks so much for replies. His email is a kind of apology but also says he couldn't help himself and hasn't felt an urge like that in so long blah blah. He's been going out with my sister ffs! What an arsehole. I do feel like I'm in a no win situation. I really don't want to tell my sister she may listen to me and believe me but it will make her feel resentful of me. Even tho I have a bastard of an ex and am heartbroken over my dd she has never been married or had kids and was so happy with this guy and is still thrilled with him even tho he isn't sleeping with her anymore and is just cocklodging when he needs to be in town for work.
I'm sorry you are also having tough time browersblues. Flowers
How does he even have my email address?

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 21/09/2014 11:32

You'd be doing her a big favour. She probably wouldn't see it like that by the sound of it though.

magoria · 21/09/2014 11:34

I would tell your sister asap. The sooner it is done the sooner any fall out and getting past it.

Leave it to fester and you will worry and may appear guilty when she asks why you didn't tell her earlier if that makes sense.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:36

No she won't see it as a favour. But I think I do need to tell her. I've just reread email he is actually asking to meet up with me to explain in person and says he doesn't regret it just regrets the way I took it. Christ. I can't fucking cope with any more aggro and I'm so disappointed for her as he seems ok and she was so proud of him.
Ok. Wish me luck. Will ring her now Confused

OP posts:
magoria · 21/09/2014 11:44

Sorry you are in this position. It's not fair. My sisters on/off bf who she has several children with propositioned me. Ew

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:45

Well I've told her. She's waiting for him to collect her at airport. She wants me to forward email.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 11:48

You didn't really have another choice. Forward the email - he will make up some bullshit story about how you came on to him, there will be a massive family row but eventually it will blow over. Not least because she's not actually with this loser anyway, is she? He's dumped her?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 21/09/2014 11:54

You've done the right thing and I really hope she can see that.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:55

He's told her he doesn't want a romantic relationship anymore just wants to be friends. Which she is fine with apparently. He stays at hers 2/3 nights a week and she has been great about getting him work etc
She has taken it on the chin but wants to discuss with him and has asked me not to respond to him but she will handle it.
Cut to: it will be all my fault and she never wants to see me again. Anyway what can I fucking do?
I can't forward her the email tho it's awful

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 11:56

I think you have to - this guy is absolutely taking the piss out of her. She needs to see what he really is.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/09/2014 12:01

You need to forward her the email, otherwise he will just turn it on you.

magoria · 21/09/2014 12:02

Well done. Shame if your family blame you.

Have you looked into anything to prevent how they behave affecting you.

Leave them to their own shittiness.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 12:10

Thanks so much for the support. I'm sitting here bawling crying as I know I'm going to be spoken abut badly and I'm so sorry for my sister but I don't trust that she won't somehow twist this around.
I feel so beaten. I'm no contact with my other sister already as her and her dp make me feel crap about myself and my choices and lecture me on everything I'm doing wrong all the time so I don't see them anymore.
I do have good friends who I'm very grateful for but my family are the source of a lot of stress and unhappiness for me and now here we go for a whole lot more.

OP posts:
ByeByeButterfly · 21/09/2014 12:23

Forward the email - you've been completely upfront then and that's all you can do. Fuck her and the rest of them if they blame you just concentrate on the nice people in your life.

eddielizzard · 21/09/2014 12:34

forward the email.

how your sister handles it is beyond your control. it's really tough accepting that your family are basically shit. as they say you can't choose your family, but you've done a good job choosing your friends. your friends are more your family than your family is. a sad situation but true from a lot of people.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 21/09/2014 12:41

I totally agree. Forward the email and then you know you have done the best you could do.

FunkyBoldRibena · 21/09/2014 12:59

Forward the email. Nothing else you can do really.

Whocansay · 21/09/2014 13:10

You sound incredibly anxious about this, but remember YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG!!!

If your sister is such an utter bitch that she would rather blame you than accept the truth, do you really need her in your life?

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 13:20

Oh she really isn't a bitch I just think it's human nature to look for someone to blame when you are bitterly disappointed by someone. She has just told me that he's texting her telling her he's missed her and can't wait to see herConfused
What a two faced mentalist! He doesn't know she knows about email. What the fuck is he playing at tho? What the hell is his objective?
I am vvv anxious about so many things in my life at the mo but I can't do anything about most of my probs. thanks for encouragement to take action over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 13:24

And now I'm questioning myself like did I give off the wrong signals? What the fuck tho. I'm sure I didn't.

OP posts:
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