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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My sisters boyfriend coming on to me

66 replies

Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 11:05

I'm having a very worrying time with my teenage daughter. My ex is being super difficult. I'm trying to move house. I'm feeling stressed and lonely and struggling to cope.
I was out for dinner with my dsis and her newish boyfriend recently. When she turned away he quickly kissed me on the lips while I was talking to him. I was shocked, made my excuses and left. He has now emailed me a big long email how he couldn't help himself he likes me etc
I'm furious.
I have a tricky relationship with my family. This sister has never had any luck with relationships and everyone is thrilled for her that she has met this guy. She's been on hols brought him to meet my mum etc. he has now dumped her but wants to still be friends with her and is staying in hers when he is in town. She is crazy about him. If the rest of my family find out he kissed me and has emailed me I will get the blame. I know it. I will be in absolute shit with everyone. Do I email him back to FUCK OFF? I don't want to have ever emailed him because then it's like I'm in correspondence with him.
I feel like this is going to end disastrously and I will be in massive trouble. Do I tell my sister? But she will be so angry with me and has really attacked me before and gone crying to the rest of my family who only sort of like me.
I am so pissed off with this donkey. I had just repaired situation with my sister and now I feel so guilty.
And I have too much on my plate to deal with. I just got email this morn.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/09/2014 13:27

Have you forwarded the email? If not, do it immediately and then sit back and refuse to get involved.

Annarose2014 · 21/09/2014 13:28

You HAVE to forward it. Otherwise its just your word against his. And if confronted he can say it was just a "hello" email and you're a nutter.

At least he admits it in the email and concedes you didn't take it well. Thats bloody important.

Quitelikely · 21/09/2014 13:34

Hang on - you said you have proof of this man admitting everything in his email right?

Why you wouldn't forward that is beyond me unless there is other stuff in there that you don't want your sister to see?

Whocansay · 21/09/2014 13:37

Signals? So what if you did?

He was out with his girlfriend and he kissed her sister! He's a sleazy chancer with no boundaries. Explode his little bubble and forward the email.

This is not your fault.

tribpot · 21/09/2014 13:41

Did you say 'hey, sleazy ex-but-sort-of-not-boyfriend of my sister, please kiss me right now'? If not, this has nothing to do with signals you were giving out and everything to do with him being a worthless toad.

And even if you had said 'please kiss me', shouldn't he have then said 'well I would like to but I don't think it's the right thing to do'? He did this - don't second guess yourself. How can you possibly be to blame?!

WalkJumpClimb34 · 21/09/2014 13:47

If you don't forward the email she has no ammunition against the ex boyfriend. Hopefully she will see she is just being used for the 2-3 nughts accommodation a week and will stop all contact with him.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 13:47

I haven't forwarded email. She says now that maybe she doesn't want to see it. It does have stuff in it I don't want her to see. Stuff that I feel would be very hurtful to her. And altho he acknowledges I didn't take it well he insinuates that there is some special feeling between us. Not that I was aware of.

OP posts:
tribpot · 21/09/2014 13:51

You are making it far too easy for him just to say you made the whole thing up if you don't forward the email. I appreciate it will be very hurtful for her, but she needs to get this guy out of her life.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 13:53

Thanks tribpot and all. Can I post the stupid email here?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/09/2014 14:06

By not forwarding the email you are making yourself out to be the troublemaking sister. What was the point in telling her if you won't send it? By not sending it you are making more drama than need be.

Don't post it here. It isn't anything to do with us. Send it to the person to whom it matters.

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 21/09/2014 14:15

he will make up some bullshit story about how you came on to him
This is why I asked about what his email says, if it made it clear that he is the one to blame and he apologizes.

OP you can only control how you behave and what you think about things.
You're not trouble making, if your sister takes it badly she's kidding herself and if she keeps contact with him she's made her own bed.

After what else you've said I possibly wouldn't forward it, but depending on what happens tell her that there are things in it that may hurt her, but that you will copy and paste the relevant bits.

Tell her firmly that you have absolutely no interest in this man, or in anyone else's boyfriend whether current or recently ex and that you did nothing to give him a different impression. She will know that you left unexpectedly.

If she chooses not to believe you then there's nothing you can do, but that would say more about her than it would about you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/09/2014 14:20

Edit the email?
Maybe it will be for the best though, if he was slagging her off in writing, for her to see it: that is the truth of the circumstances with this ass.
It is clearly defining him, not you, wtfn. It is awful to be in a situation to second guess yourself and try to predict what others will say/do.

However, if she is determined to see him as "her Prince has come", then it will be difficult to get her (and parents, others) to look at it from a different perspective.
Give her the email...post it snail mail if you have to. It is true you can not force her to read it, but that is not your problem. Ask her if she'd be ok with you showing your parents the email? That is about all you can do to bat your side in this. I do think you need to be proactive here on your own behalf.

At any rate, you now know to steer clear of him in all circumstances.
Mark his email as spam, do not read anything else from him.
Sorry you are going through this.

neiljames77 · 21/09/2014 15:00

You're probably not going to gain anything from it all though. She'll probably resent you more and even if you show the evidence, he'll say he's not going out with her anyway.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 15:06

Yes thanks Enrique and andtheband. I will steer clear and I've no interest in anyone else's man or any man at all.
She has asked me not to tell anyone because she feels humiliatedSad

OP posts:
Vitalstatistix · 21/09/2014 15:09

If you dont forward it, she will not believe you. What was the point of telling her then not providing the evidence.
look at it from her pov
your boyfriend kissed me and emailed me
give me the email
errrr, well, not sure I want to...

would you believe them? Cos I wouldnt.

you arent protecting her by not giving her the full picture.

Itsfab · 21/09/2014 15:14

By not forwarding the email you look like you wanted him to kiss you.
Forward it and stop being so martyrish.

DistanceCall · 21/09/2014 15:17

Send the email. Otherwise he can lie, and she can make up stories in her head about how you led him on, etc. This way you have proof.

She's going to be hurt? Well, that's what her alleged bf says about her. She SHOULD know.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 15:22

But if she doesn't want to read it then why shove it in her face? I asked her if I should forward and she said I don't think I want to read it...so I haven't. She isn't querying anything I've told her. I feel like it's rubbing her nose in to get her to read it. How am I being a martyr? Genuine question.

OP posts:
neiljames77 · 21/09/2014 15:32

Print it off and keep it then just in case it bites you on the arse in future.
Show it if you're backed into a corner.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 21/09/2014 15:34

Imho, that is why sending it snail mail is an option for you to get it off your desk so to speak. Tell her to expect it and she will know what it is. Tell her she doesn't have to open the envelope and read if she doesn't want to...But her humming and hawing about it will be on her time (at her expense), not yours.

You do not have to accept her denial of the situation, as far as your involvement goes. When you send the email, tell her that you are drawing a line under the event and are setting your boundaries regarding him. You are in control of your choices and actions. Her responses and decisions, reactions are her choices.

sonjadog · 21/09/2014 15:40

You wrote above that she wants you to forward the email. Now you say she doesn't want to read it. Which is true?

DistanceCall · 21/09/2014 16:07

Sonjadog, the sister first asked her to forward the email, then she changed her mind and said that she wasn't sure she wanted to read it.

Original poster
Whatthefucknow · 21/09/2014 16:12

Yes distance caller thats right. I told her he'd sent it and asked her what she wanted me to do she said to forward to her. Shortly after she texted me to say if I hadn't forwarded it yet then maybe not to. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
I think the snail mail idea is a good one. Tbh I'm scared of her reading it. I'm scared because it reads as tho there is real intimacy between us. I've met the guy three timesConfused

OP posts:
sonjadog · 21/09/2014 16:15

If she says she doesn't want to read it now, then I would just let it go. If I were her I'd be annoyed to get it by snail mail. It would seem a bit melodramatic to me.

Keep the email and if she asks to see it later, then send it to her.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 21/09/2014 16:18

Keep the email, but maybe block his email address, and just back away from it all.