My sisters boyfriend coming on to me

[Whatthefucknow]

I'm having a very worrying time with my teenage daughter. My ex is being super difficult. I'm trying to move house. I'm feeling stressed and lonely and struggling to cope.
I was out for dinner with my dsis and her newish boyfriend recently. When she turned away he quickly kissed me on the lips while I was talking to him. I was shocked, made my excuses and left. He has now emailed me a big long email how he couldn't help himself he likes me etc
I'm furious.
I have a tricky relationship with my family. This sister has never had any luck with relationships and everyone is thrilled for her that she has met this guy. She's been on hols brought him to meet my mum etc. he has now dumped her but wants to still be friends with her and is staying in hers when he is in town. She is crazy about him. If the rest of my family find out he kissed me and has emailed me I will get the blame. I know it. I will be in absolute shit with everyone. Do I email him back to FUCK OFF? I don't want to have ever emailed him because then it's like I'm in correspondence with him.
I feel like this is going to end disastrously and I will be in massive trouble. Do I tell my sister? But she will be so angry with me and has really attacked me before and gone crying to the rest of my family who only sort of like me.
I am so pissed off with this donkey. I had just repaired situation with my sister and now I feel so guilty.
And I have too much on my plate to deal with. I just got email this morn.

Keep the email, but maybe block his email address, and just back away from it all.
Don't know how you're in email contact anyway.

What Willow said, how would he even have your address unless someone had given it to him, maybe he got it from your Dsis computer.

Whathte, thanks very much for the flowers for horrible teens and dickhead ex. Ignore them and focus on yourself. One thing I have started to do is not engage. Come up with a stock of answers and just keep repeating them over and over again.

I'm trying that browers. It's not much fun is it?
As to how he had my email address I asked my dsis that and she reckons he must have got it from a circular she sent out regarding an event she was organising. But it's exactly that kind of question that people who might hear about it would ask and makes me feel in such a no win position on this one.
why are you in email contact with him? eh, I'm not. I've never emailed him. He got my address from somewhere. I've never contacted the guy ever and didn't respond to this.
Anyway thanks all. I'm glad I told her no matter what happens.
Going to make a fire now and watch downton abbey

how's things?

I think you have to send her the email. give her the option of reading it or not.

one thing is clear, you have done nothing wrong. if anyone says you have then stuff em! they're wrong!

he's a twat, he's seen that you're vulnerable, and he's targeted you it. he's singled you out as someone he can abuse and you'll keep quiet about it.

he's using your sister and she's letting him. given your difficult ex, and her lack of self esteem, and the fact that you feel sure that you'd get flak from the family, was your upbringing difficult/dysfunctional?

Any normal family would rally round and support you/your sister. not blame and ostracise. the fact that you fear it is very telling.

send the sister the email. tell everyone what this creep has done. if you are attacked for it by anyone, walk away. it'll be better for you in the long run.

you have done nothing wrong. nothing at all.

I'd go with Brownerblues suggestion.

If you tell him to fuck off, he's got the message and if you cc your sister then he can see you've forwarded it on to her.

I think I must be missing something here. I don't get why you told your sister anything.

You must know that the messenger usually gets the blame.

Surely it would have been best to do absolutely nothing.

Personally I would email him back along the lines: how dare you contact me? How did you get my email address? I want nothing to do with you and have not done anything g to make you think otherwise. And don't ever contact me again I will block these emails. Don't acknowledge the kiss. It's your word against his.

I would not tell anyone about the kiss or the email but keep the emails as they are your proof that you didn't invite his attentions just I. Case it ever comes out.

Telling your sis and family will serve no purpose whatsoever. Hopefully the dickhead will also not tell anyone about the kiss or email as it will result in a loss of free accommodation. If you are lucky it will never come out and you can continue to rebuild your life and family relationships.

Forget it, pretend it never happened and hopefully he will disappear from everyone's life. If he ever did throw it in your sis' face deny the kiss and say he sent you an unsolicited email which you replied to in a F off manner and he was only trying to hurt you and her.

She has already told her sister, and rightly so.

Stuff like this is bound to come out sooner or later. Why shouldn't she tell her sister what a slime ball he is? Would you want your sister to be dating someone who made a pass at you? At least her sister knows now and has a choice. Although it sounds like the relationship is over as he wants to be friends?

Just try and detach op. You have done nothing wrong and have the proof with his email. Do not delete it, as if he tries to make out its your fault all you have to do is forward it to your sister. I'd not reply to him either as he doesn't deserve a response and it would be engaging with him which is what he wants.

Sorry OP.

What in the email would be more hurtful than what he's already done?

Thanks for helping me know I've done nothing wrong. I always feel guilty. Years of sexual abuse as a child has left its mark on me and I know in May have overreacted to this in how much it upset me but I did ignore the kiss but then the email was a much further transgression. And then irrationally I feel I'll be in big big trouble if I tell anyone just like when I was a child and I felt guilty for what wasn't my fault. Honestly wonder if I so damaged now I'm beyond repair. But very much appreciate people like Hissy saying I've done nothing wrong.

Anyway, update, my sister met with him last night and got him to show her the email. First he was trying to say I'd got the wrong end of the stick and he was apologising for an impulsive peck that he knew was out of order. However when she read the email she could see it was totally cracking on to me eg would like to explain my feelings in person, I don't regret it etc.
He sobbed crying apparently and told her he was v sorry and it was a clumsy way of trying to make amends and that he loves her
She has broken up with him and sent him packing. I wouldn't be surprised if she sees him again tho. She has a history of looking after the 'needs'of inappropriate men and doing it in secret sometimes (was also subjected to SA)
So far tho I said to her we both still seem to be magnets for arseholes we have managed to catch this one out and trust each other. So yet again thanks mumsnet?? (name changed for this but am a regular poster)

*in May = I may

Glad that your DSis has given him his marching orders. But you may need to prepare yourself for further fall-out if she does end of forgiving him, especially if you're going to see him at family gatherings.

So sorry for what you've been through in the past.

I'm glad it's turned out for the best for you OP. What your sister does from here is her business and is done with full knowledge of how he's behaved towards both her and you. You can't do more than that.

You're right IMO to have levelled with your sister because if you hadn't it would have continually played on your mind upsetting you and if it had come out down the line it would've looked like you had something to hide.
FWIW after the event I also wouldn't reply or respond to him at all because it may have seemed like a big reaction to something that said you hadn't participated in and also because having got an email that's come from you I wouldn't put it past a liar to doctor the content. Definitely best to have no contact with him whatsoever.

With regard to what's right and wrong, you obviously have a clear moral compass and so long as you feel happy in yourself about how you behave, then you have nothing to worry about. From here, please try not to doubt yourself

Great update!

I don't think you are damaged beyond repair though. You and your DSIS have clearly been deeply affected and it's left a lasting mark but self awareness is a great thing and, in this case, you've come through alright! And I think the 'is it me?' response is common in a lot of women generally, which is what makes MN advice so great!!