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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help i just dont know what to do

60 replies

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:12

I don't want to be with dh anymore. The problem is, he is seriously mentally ill and I am worried that he would kill himself if I make him leave.

We have an 11 month old dd and I would need to stay in our home with her. He has lied to me again and again, taken away all of the trust. Most recently he has used all of the rent and Bill money for weed behind my back, telling me he had paid everything. He has made me use my bank account for things like food shopping and electric saying he will transfer the money, but spending it on weed the whole time.

I don't even know this man anymore and I just want a fresh start for me and dd. Our home doesn't feel right anymore. I have spent the last few nights at my mums with dd and come back to find he has spent another £45 on weed in two days.

He has told me that making him leave would be a death sentence for him. I told him not to dare put that on me. He is the one who has lied and fucked up again and again. He lies about everything. How can I do this? He would be homeless, seriously mentally ill and has refused to go without our dog. she doesn't deserve that. she deserves a stable home.

I just want to give my little girl a happy home and he is taking that away. He has made Our home stressful and tense.

I have tried for years and years. I begged him to get help and he wouldn't. He's finally starting the process now, but it's too fucking late. Everything we had is gone. I love him but I am done. I have given everything that I can and there's nothing left.

He doesn't do anything with dd anymore. He just sleeps all day. I came back and the poor cat didn't have any food or water. He just sits there with the dog or goes walking for hours.

I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I just want to be a good mum to dd and this is breaking me down.

Sorry if it's garbled I am all over the place.

OP posts:

ArsenicFaceCream · 20/09/2014 17:16

You poor thing.

What do you mean by 'seriously mentally ill'? Diagnosed?

He certainly sounds as though he is perma-stoned and in love with the weed. Threatening you with his suicide is just not on. It is a manipulation. Suicidal people don't do that.

Where would he go initially if you asked him to leave?

Oomph · 20/09/2014 17:17

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. This is not your doing not your choice. It is your DH's choice to spend the family money on dope and be as good as non-existent for you and your daughter. Guilt tripping you into letting him stay with threats of suicide is just pathetic.

I say call his bluff: ask him to go, as it is your right, then call 101 to tell them he may attempt suicide.

You are completely right. Your child does not deserve to grow up like this.

Sunna · 20/09/2014 17:18

Tell him he has to go. If he chooses to kill himself it's his choice and no one else is to blame. Don't allow him to emotionally blackmail you.

Just get him out.

petalsandstars · 20/09/2014 17:19

The best thing for you and DD is to kick jim out. Everything he does after that is his choice alone. You have no responsibility for his actions.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 20/09/2014 17:21

You cannot be responsible for his happiness. Only for your own (and while she is young, that of your dd).

He has to make his own choices. Do what is best for you and your dd.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:21

He has no formal diagnosis yet as he is only just starting the process. I think he has bipolar. He is either very depressed or manic out of his head. He either sleeps all the time or doesn't sleep for days.

He has literally no where to go. He would be completely homeless. I think he would sleep in his car. The poor dog doesn't deserve that but he will not leave without her. I think she is the only thing keeping him alive.

OP posts:

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/09/2014 17:23

"He has told me that making him leave would be a death sentence for him."

Fucking despicable blackmailing bastard!

Just get rid of him. What he chooses to do is up to him. If he truly is mentally ill it's not your job to either help him or put up with him and his shit.

He's taken the bread out of the mouths of you and your child. Bloody parasite. Get shot. Now. Today.

ArsenicFaceCream · 20/09/2014 17:24

Spending the rent and bill money on weed will do nothing to help his MH. The weed could be causing or exacerabting many of those issues.

When is his next appointment?

Quitelikely · 20/09/2014 17:27

Is it not the weed causing his mental health issues?

Quitelikely · 20/09/2014 17:30

Sounds like a pretty miserable existence you are living. I'm not sure I could forgive missing the rent - that could affect the roof over your head. He must be smoking a lot of weed to be spending so much money. Obviously he must be addicted to it.

If he leaves and threatens to harm himself whilst gone, please call the police and they can decide if he needs a dr to section him.

sonjadog · 20/09/2014 17:33

Could you remove the dog from the situationwhile you are getting him to leave? Is there anyone you could trust to look after your dog for a few days or weeks until this is done?

YvyB · 20/09/2014 17:33

Why are you feeling more responsible for his welfare than you are for your dd's???

Every day you allow things to stay as they are is another day that you are allowing your dd's welfare and future to be jeopardised by a drug addict. You owe him nothing - he is an adult responsible for his own choices, but your dd is a baby and totally dependent on you to act in her best interest.

I know it's a massive step but you know that you have no option but to end this now, don't you?

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:33

I have just told him. I have just told him there's nothing left. I am scared but it's the truth. One of us needs to be honest. He says he will have to leave then. There's no dramatics. I calmly told him that I have given him chance after chance.

He's just saying ok.

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:35

I really have not put him before dd. I have taken her out of the situation and gone to my mums for the last couple of days. Before that it was crap, but was not affecting her in anyway. this was the final straw. I will not let his problems affect my baby.

OP posts:

CatKisser · 20/09/2014 17:36

He's saying ok now but most likely he will create some massive drama in the near future. He is an emotionally manipulative bastard!

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:40

Now we are just sitting here. He's not doing anything. Do I give him some time? What am I supposed to be doing?

OP posts:

paxtecum · 20/09/2014 17:42

Flanjabelle: the weed is causing his MH problems.

My son in law thought he was bipolar but the GP said it was impossible to diagnose whilst he was smoking weed.
He was either very up or very down.
He will soon be my ex son in law.

I stayed with my XH far too long because I felt sorry for him and I thought I was fulfilling the 'for better, for worse, in sickness and in health' bit of my vows.
Please don't sacrifice yourself for him. I was a mug.

Be strong and get him out.

LEMmingaround · 20/09/2014 17:45

Im sorry but i don't think he is mentally ill. Its the weed that is making him behave like this.

Either way, you are not responsible for his mental health. Indeed, if you go to your gp they will only tell you that he needs to go hi.self. they wont discuss it with you.

Do not be emotionally blackmailed by him.

JetsAndSugar · 20/09/2014 17:52

Give him a deadline?

YvyB · 20/09/2014 17:53

Well done - that was brave :)

I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty about your dd, I just wanted to let you know that you are allowed to 'use' her as the reason to call a halt to things if you didn't feel that your own wellbeing was reason enough.

I have seen so many children whose 'd'ps have ruined the start of their lives. You should be so proud of yourself that your dd won't be one of them.

HeySoulSister · 20/09/2014 17:57

Pack his bags?

Can you take the dog somewhere? Poor thing

Does he work? You need to protect your finances. What's the situation now with rent and landlord? You must be in arrears

Corygal · 20/09/2014 17:57

You poor thing. He's a dope fiend and they ain't pretty to deal with. Of course he'll say anything to keep you, you're his bread and butter.

But he needs to go.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 18:07

He works. I am in a shitty financial situation. He won't use that against me though. underneath it he is a good guy but he is making shitty choices.

Rent is now back up to date using this week's wages, but we now have bugger all for this week. I will have to use my overdraft.

He's not even trying to save things. I think he knows he has pushed me too far.

If I try and stop him taking the dog he will lose it. She is all he has left.

He's still not doing anything. Should I go to my mums again with dd to give him space to sort things out? Or is that a bad idea?

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 18:09

I feel really anxious.

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 18:14

I know I shouldn't care but I am so worried about what he is going to do now. I feel guilty and anxious.

OP posts:

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