please help i just dont know what to do

[flanjabelle]

I don't want to be with dh anymore. The problem is, he is seriously mentally ill and I am worried that he would kill himself if I make him leave.

We have an 11 month old dd and I would need to stay in our home with her. He has lied to me again and again, taken away all of the trust. Most recently he has used all of the rent and Bill money for weed behind my back, telling me he had paid everything. He has made me use my bank account for things like food shopping and electric saying he will transfer the money, but spending it on weed the whole time.

I don't even know this man anymore and I just want a fresh start for me and dd. Our home doesn't feel right anymore. I have spent the last few nights at my mums with dd and come back to find he has spent another £45 on weed in two days.

He has told me that making him leave would be a death sentence for him. I told him not to dare put that on me. He is the one who has lied and fucked up again and again. He lies about everything. How can I do this? He would be homeless, seriously mentally ill and has refused to go without our dog. she doesn't deserve that. she deserves a stable home.

I just want to give my little girl a happy home and he is taking that away. He has made Our home stressful and tense.

I have tried for years and years. I begged him to get help and he wouldn't. He's finally starting the process now, but it's too fucking late. Everything we had is gone. I love him but I am done. I have given everything that I can and there's nothing left.

He doesn't do anything with dd anymore. He just sleeps all day. I came back and the poor cat didn't have any food or water. He just sits there with the dog or goes walking for hours.

I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I just want to be a good mum to dd and this is breaking me down.

Sorry if it's garbled I am all over the place.

How are you doing OP?

Not so good.

flanja, only just seen this. What's up? Hope you're ok.

I'm pathetically scared of being on my own. I'm scared of missing him so much and how weak that makes me. I desperately want to give it another go even though I know that's the wrong thing to do. I'm fed up of crying on my own and pretending everything is fine the rest of the time. I'm so scared of having to share my dd, she's always with me, I don't want to share her. I don't want to lose my dog. Everything feels so crap and I can't sleep.

Don't take him back, he doesn't deserve you & you know yourself that your DD deserves better too - keep telling yourself that. Being lonely is better than being with a dead weight like him. It is hard being on your own, but it will get better. Believe in yourself, try to keep busy & it's ok to feel crap, it's still early days so be kind to yourself too.

Given the two alternatives I'd rather be alone and scared (because I know the 'scared' will go away after a short time of getting used to being alone) than with him and miserable (because the misery will never go away as long as he's there).

He needs to be gone. Maybe he'll continue his life as a pothead, maybe the shock of being booted out will straighten his sorry ass up. Either way you'll be free to move on in your own life and be the strong, confident woman you know you are inside.

I get it about the dog. They get in your heart, aren't they? It may be that he won't be able to find a place where he can keep the dog. Fingers crossed. But you do have to think of yourself and your DD first.

You do need women's aid, you can't do this on your own. I'm not crowing op, the whole deal with an addict is very complex.

Have a look at CODA (can't link). It is not unusual to be addicted to an addict. Yy difficult to face but it could make sense of your serious nosedive. You're not the only one! Don't think that for a minute. If after reading the CODA bumpf online you get along to a CODA support group you'll meet some lovely people, just like you.

Now, the dog. You can't let an addict have the dog. Call RSPCA and get them onside. You can't leave the dog with him.

By the same token, you can't let an addict have a child. It just isn't going to happen, you have to make sure of that by alerting the relevant authorities.

Keep going, op, this will pass. Hold on until it does. When I left my horror ex I went through what can only be described as withdrawals - shaking, couldn't sleep, the lot. It passed, quicker than I expected. Then I seriously got into CODA - an absolute lifesaver.

Oh Flanja, sorry you're finding it so hard. Only you know the 'whole' situation. If you really do want to be with him, then he needs an ultimatum really. That he has one chance to prove to you that he will get help and stop smoking weed. He can't possibly decipher what the real mental health issue he has if he's stoned all the time. Let alone get some help for it. If he is not bothered about even doing this, then I think staying with him isn't really the answer is it? He's not really 'there' with you and your daughter at the moment so in many ways you probably feel alone now anyway. It must be very hard for you right now. I hope you find the strength to make happen what you want to make happen. What's dh been like the last few days?

How are you OP?

Mentally ill my arse. He is a lazy, selfish, nasty cocklodging bastard who happens to have a penchant for cannabis. In other words, a total oxygen thief.

Remove him from your environment. And if he threatens to do away with himself just say "Aye right". I'll lay you a pound to a thousand that he does no such thing.