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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help i just dont know what to do

60 replies

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 17:12

I don't want to be with dh anymore. The problem is, he is seriously mentally ill and I am worried that he would kill himself if I make him leave.

We have an 11 month old dd and I would need to stay in our home with her. He has lied to me again and again, taken away all of the trust. Most recently he has used all of the rent and Bill money for weed behind my back, telling me he had paid everything. He has made me use my bank account for things like food shopping and electric saying he will transfer the money, but spending it on weed the whole time.

I don't even know this man anymore and I just want a fresh start for me and dd. Our home doesn't feel right anymore. I have spent the last few nights at my mums with dd and come back to find he has spent another £45 on weed in two days.

He has told me that making him leave would be a death sentence for him. I told him not to dare put that on me. He is the one who has lied and fucked up again and again. He lies about everything. How can I do this? He would be homeless, seriously mentally ill and has refused to go without our dog. she doesn't deserve that. she deserves a stable home.

I just want to give my little girl a happy home and he is taking that away. He has made Our home stressful and tense.

I have tried for years and years. I begged him to get help and he wouldn't. He's finally starting the process now, but it's too fucking late. Everything we had is gone. I love him but I am done. I have given everything that I can and there's nothing left.

He doesn't do anything with dd anymore. He just sleeps all day. I came back and the poor cat didn't have any food or water. He just sits there with the dog or goes walking for hours.

I feel so alone and I don't know what to do. I just want to be a good mum to dd and this is breaking me down.

Sorry if it's garbled I am all over the place.

OP posts:

gamerchick · 20/09/2014 18:23

He won't go unless you make him.

farendofafart · 20/09/2014 18:27

Of course you care what happens to him - that can't be switched off. But you need to remember that he has made his choices. And you are not responsible for him. Also remember that you have come to this decision because he has driven you to it.

specialsubject · 20/09/2014 18:31

sod the dog! YOU and your CHILD are the important ones in this.

Let him take the dog which is perfectly well equipped to survive on the streets. He probably isn't - so once he's gone and you are safe, call 101 for advice.

being mentally ill (if he is) is not his fault. But refusal to accept help and worsening it with junk IS.

I wish you both luck - but get yourself and your child safe.

LEMmingaround · 20/09/2014 18:39

Can you tell him that you happy to keep yhe dog until he sorts himself somewhere to live. Can he contact the council about emergency accommodation? They do have a small amount of one bed flats. Worth a try.

oldgrandmama · 20/09/2014 18:39

What specialsubject said: ^ He has to go. With the dog if necessary. You and your dear child are far more important.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 18:41

It's so confusing. I'm torn between wanting to hear some bullshit promises to make me feel better and wanting to re decorate.

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 18:42

Lem I have offered that but he has refused. He seems to care more about the dog than his daughter.

OP posts:

LEMmingaround · 20/09/2014 18:46

Well I was thinking of the dog more than him tbh. Does he have a friend/family he can stay with?

Itsfab · 20/09/2014 18:47

I think weed is a depressive so chances are he is drug induced depressed as opposed to be clinically depressed.

Someone who cared more about the pet than my child would immediately lose all love from me. You are a better person to still care.

I have no idea what you do to get him to get - and face up to reality - but can you stay with your mum while he sorts somewhere and moves out?

Vivacia · 20/09/2014 19:05

When do you want him to have left by?

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 19:10

He has no where he could stay. He has an awful family and no real friends.

I think I want him gone by tomorrow. I don't want to Chuck him out at night.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 20/09/2014 19:22

His housing is not your problem, especially the way he spent your rent money. You MUST put your child's needs first.

What is your housing arrangement? If you legally can I'd ask him to be out by midday tomorrow, spend the night at your mum's and return with back-up tomorrow.

startinoveronmyway · 20/09/2014 19:25

Whatever he does or does not do is his responsibility. Not yours. You have to do whats best for your DD and you and being around him does not sound like a healthy environment.

He's a big boy now and can choose what he does as you are not his parent. You don't have to 'fix' this. You can't fix it for him. And to put that responsibility on you is manipulative, cowardly and evasive.

Are you prepared to wait until something really bad or destructive happens to your DD or you to say that your lives are more important than his?

startinoveronmyway · 20/09/2014 19:27

Your DD and you are the first, last and only priority now. He can take care of himself.

Good luck, you are strong enough to do this.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 19:44

I wanted to know before he went if he had cheated with a certain woman. Apparently me asking this is seriously low. Apparently he was going to try to make things right but now He's not.

Wow.

That has just made things easier. I'm angry now. I couldn't give a shit where he goes now.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 20/09/2014 19:56

Apparently me asking this is seriously low. Apparently he was going to try to make things right but now He's not.

In other words, yes he did. No outright denial or shock or even laughter, just putting it on you for daring to ask?

He cheated. Sorry. But this might make things easier.

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 19:58

Do you know what. I don't even care anymore. He has shown me no respect whatsoever. It doesn't even matter anymore.

I'm back to thinking about redecorating.

I have told him he needs to be out tomorrow.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 20/09/2014 20:00

You do realise this is all his own doing don't you? Weed smoking, particularly in your teens, can cause these sort of mental health issues. I know someone who goes around schools telling his story to school children because of the mental health issues they've given him

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 20:01

I have given him everything. I have given and given and given. I feel like such a mug. Not anymore. I am my dds most important female role model. What the hell would I be teaching her by staying with him?! I am going to show her how strong you can be on your own.

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 20:02

I'm sat here with a weird smile on my face.

OP posts:

LIZS · 20/09/2014 20:04

He is being more than disrespectful , he is emotionally abusing you with his threats, empty promises and blackmail let alone financially. Is he a long term drug abuser ? Can you call Women's Aid for support ?

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 20:10

He was a very heavy cannabis user before we had dd and then 'stopped' when we had dd because I forced him to. since then I have caught him out lying about it a few times. Now he's apparently using very heavily again.

I don't need women's aid, I'm strong enough to do this. He won't fight me, he knows that I will have him forceably removed if necessary. On Monday I will apply for all the necessary benefits. I have told him he will need to continue to pay for dds home and food for us etc until I can get things sorted. After I know how much I will be getting I will decide on maintainence.

He won't be having dd alone until he has sorted himself out. no way.

OP posts:

Original poster

flanjabelle · 20/09/2014 20:12

I know I was stupid to have a child with a man on drugs, but i fell pregnant accidentally After being told I was pretty much infertile. Apparently not. we were using condoms and had one split. I didn't worry about emergency contraceptives as it didn't seem necessary.

OP posts:

springydaffs · 20/09/2014 21:14

Wow, she's a miracle then. Wow

Op, he's an addict. Aside from any MH whatevers. He's behaving exactly like an addict eg all the emotional/psychological shit that goes on with an addict. Have a look at FOG - fear, obligation, guilt - addicts swamp everyone with it. Of course you don't want him to die... But that's his choice (and I wouldn't be surprised if they are empty threats. God, addicts are so predictable).

Addicts need to bottom out if there's going to be any recovery and as long as you cover for him, make excuses, make it easy etc etc you're putting off the day he hits bottom. Don't you dare leave that dog!

But it sounds like the spell has broken, by your last few posts - brilliant. Get you and your miracle girl away to lead a healthy and happy life.

springydaffs · 20/09/2014 21:23

IF he does hit bottom, and it's not a given - amazing the lengths addicts go to to keep their no. 1 lover in their lives. As you have seen...

But what he does or doesn't do isn't your concern. Xx

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