Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just HOW can people do this?.

59 replies

MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 10:02

I've been involved in an affair but didn't know I was!. It was a mostly long distance thing and I was convinced he was single.

Well he's not. And not only that, he got married LAST WEEKEND. It's shit when any body cheats but what kind of utter arsehole does it around their wedding?. Surely you're supposed to be happy and in love not looking elsewhere!?.

I now know that on his fucking actual wedding day he sent me an e-mail about how in love with me he is, we're soulmates, wants to marry me one day blah blah puke.

I just find it so disturbing. HOW can you do that to people? How is anyone capable of that level of deceit?. Now I just feel so, so stupid that I could believe someone like that and that I could fall in love with them.

What does that make me? (other than a gullible fool). I can't wrap my head around any of this and just feel sick to my stomach.

Just HOW do they do it?.

OP posts:
PenisesAreNotPink · 20/09/2014 10:05

Compartmentalisation.

Plus Twatdom.

{{{{hugs}}}} for you, just be glad you're not the poor lass marrying him.

MrsWones · 20/09/2014 10:11

Mrsbolden, he is a bad bad man and a twonk of the highest order. I have concluded that nice, fair and honest people rarely figure out what makes people like this do what they do. Take some time, dust yourself off, be kind and good to yourself and one day you will find the person who adores you. He is not worth your thoughts or tears. Can you do something with a friend today to give you a nicer focus?
Mumsnet hugs. Thanks Thanks

Finola1step · 20/09/2014 10:22

You will not understand his behaviour because you are a decent person.

Chalk it up to experience. Look after yourself, be nice to yourself. Go out and do the things you enjoy and make you feel better. Spend time with friends, lick your wounds a bit. Then bounce back.

And if you do find yourself weepy, shed a little tear for that poor woman who married him last week. You had the very lucky escape, she is in a horrible situation which will likely to hurt her for a long time. If he's not cheating with you, there will be someone else soon.

Squeegle · 20/09/2014 10:27

I'm sorry. He sounds a self delusional fantasist tw*t. (Think Jeffrey Archer). The others are spot on, no normal person can understand how someone can behave like this. Really sorry you've been through it- thank God you found out. It's him not you, so time to look forward....

Original poster
MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 10:35

Thanks everyone. You're right, I don't think I'll ever understand it. I'm glad I don't really, it's fucked up!.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 20/09/2014 10:40

how did you find out

BOFster · 20/09/2014 10:50

His poor wife! I'd be seriously considering dropping him in it- she deserves to know what sort of man she has shackled herself to.

Original poster
MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 10:52

I'm not on FB and neither is he. Yesterday my friend was on FB on their phone and out of curiosity (nosey if I'm honest) looked up a friend of his (met him once when they were both in the UK working). He has no privacy settings and I saw the wedding pictures. Thought I was going to throw up.

They all live in another Country so he probably thought he'd never be found out.

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 20/09/2014 11:01

I know somebody who was/is a serial cheat. He and his near-adult daughter planned a 25th anniversary vow renewal party as a surprise for his wife and everybody thought this was lovely and romantic.

During the entire time he was planning it, he was still fucking around behind his wife's back, with no fewer than three women.

I boggle. Just - words fail me.

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 20/09/2014 11:24

My ex husband did this. As far as I can tell, the affair started while we were engaged and continued during our entire marriage - apparently he's still seeing her. He was missing for a chunk of time on our wedding day and I never got to the bottom of where he went. Now I suspect either to meet or contact OW. Be glad you are out if it OP you've had a very lucky escape from a user!

Castlemilk · 20/09/2014 11:26

Good God.

I know most won't agree with me on this, but I'd probably try and contact her, forward her the emails etc. She could annul...

I don't think I could move on from it without trying to let her know what a snake she's just married. Poor woman.

LineRunner · 20/09/2014 11:28

There must be something wrong with their brains, is all I can come up with.

I really hope you are ok. You are lucky to find out, though.

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 20/09/2014 11:32

Yes please let her know the truth if you possibly can, don't be silently complicit in her ruin.

PedantMarina · 20/09/2014 11:35

Castlemilk is not going to get a flaming from me. I'm usually in favour of telling the cheated-on party.

Don't know what to recommend in this situation, though.

OP, does the man cheating shit know that you know? If not, you could have a bit of fun in the coming weeks, and we can help. >hopeful-icon

startinoveronmyway · 20/09/2014 11:35

Consider yourself lucky to be free from him!

I am convinced that with some particular d*@kheads out there, they continually are looking for their self-esteem to be validated by fresh p*@$y.

Sorry to be so graphic, I'm a bit jaded as my stbxh did this (and is doing it again).

You are more of a person than what you gave him sexually. He's the broken one, not you. You didn't have the intention of being an OW.

Forgive yourself and place the blame squarely on him where it belongs! His karma is screwed and he will get his comeuppance eventually.

Original poster
MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 11:36

I've already sent her some pictures and screen shots via my friends FB account and told her how desperately sorry I am. I feel devastated so cannot imagine how she will feel.

I feel like I've ruined her life and any memories of her wedding.

OP posts:
startinoveronmyway · 20/09/2014 11:39

No, Mrs you haven't, he has!

I'm glad you told her anyways. I wish my stbxh's suspected OW told me. It would have saved me two years of hell.

Original poster
MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 11:47

I do feel dreadful about it. Maybe she didn't want to know?. I know I would but maybe she'd have preferred to carry on as they were and I've taken that choice away?. Maybe I am just a bitch and did it to hurt him and wasn't thinking about her at all. I don't know.

I included my number when I sent her the message and attachments yesterday and I haven't heard from her. Maybe he's talking his way out of it?. Probably. He's a charmer and obviously very, very good at lying.

Haven't heard from him either.

OP posts:
WorkingGirlJem · 20/09/2014 11:52

This beggers belief OP Sad

Having said that, even I get my eyes opened sometimes . . . .
a couple of months ago I was contacted by a guy wanting to make a booking with me to 'round off his stag night' I refused to do it as I thought it was a truely awful thing to do to your wife to be ( yes, even working girls have principals sometimes)
I found out a week later from a colleague that he had booked with her instead, and she had managed to persuade another SEVEN guys on the stag night to use her services too. All these guys were in their late 20's/early 30's and 6 of them wore wedding rings.

Obviously they have a missing link somewhere. Very sad.

WorkingGirlJem · 20/09/2014 11:54

And as others have said, you are not a bad person, I too would have wanted to know.

Quitelikely · 20/09/2014 11:58

Has he contacted you since?

FiloPasty · 20/09/2014 12:01

That's terrible, glad you told her, she deserves to know :(

Viviennemary · 20/09/2014 12:03

He sounds vile. However, not sure if I agree with exposing him to her.

Original poster
MrsBoldon · 20/09/2014 12:07

No I haven't heard from him since I sent a message yesterday telling him I'd found him out and would be contacting his wife.

I want to send messages about how much this is hurting, ask questions, tell him how I don't deserve this and neither does his wife and how much I have loved him. I'm trying not to do that.

OP posts:
PitchSlapped · 20/09/2014 12:08

She has a right to know what a piece of scum shes married