Just HOW can people do this?.

[MrsBoldon]

I've been involved in an affair but didn't know I was!. It was a mostly long distance thing and I was convinced he was single.

Well he's not. And not only that, he got married LAST WEEKEND. It's shit when any body cheats but what kind of utter arsehole does it around their wedding?. Surely you're supposed to be happy and in love not looking elsewhere!?.

I now know that on his fucking actual wedding day he sent me an e-mail about how in love with me he is, we're soulmates, wants to marry me one day blah blah puke.

I just find it so disturbing. HOW can you do that to people? How is anyone capable of that level of deceit?. Now I just feel so, so stupid that I could believe someone like that and that I could fall in love with them.

What does that make me? (other than a gullible fool). I can't wrap my head around any of this and just feel sick to my stomach.

Just HOW do they do it?.

If she hasn't replied, it's possible he's controlling her media, especially after you pre-warned him.

Can you access her family? They might have some strong views on what their daughter/sister is getting into.

Be prepared for them to think (and/or be told by twunt) you're just some crazy stalker. Be calm and clear and brief. You're not doing this to get him back. You've been deceived, but are using the knowledge you have to help save somebody else from a life of misery. If you have evidence, say so, but don't provide it all, just say you'll take any questions.

Best of luck.

A friend of mine slept with a guy on a weekend away with the girls. Afterwards he told her he was on his stag do and was getting married the week after!

Many men are opportunists an will take the risk when it comes to sex

The most embarrassing thing is that this happened to me before years ago. I'm obviously some sort of twat magnet that's only good enough to be a bit on the side.

Lightening doesn't strike twice. There must be something wrong with me that I attract (or am attracted to) complete cunts.

It's probably on her other file on Facebook so won't be obvious unless she checks all her folders , not many people do.

I personally think you did the right thing in telling her.

You can't know whether she would prefer to hear about the affair or not. But deliberately keeping the information from her is wrong because:

1. It's almost tacitly approving of what the man did (in my personal view)
2. It denies her the choice of what to do about it. She still has the ability to completely ignore your e-mails or decide that you are lying.
3. She deserves the opportunity to make a decision as important as this with her eyes wide open.
4. I believe in treating others as I would want to be treated. I would really resent someone for having an affair with my partner and not tell me about it. I would resent them much much more for that than for being tricked into it to begin with.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened. Again, you did the right thing. Also, he is a cunt.

I agree that you should tell her so she can get out early!

OP, this is not your fault. There isno magic signal we send that cheating asshats like this one home in on. You believed him (had no reason not to) and when you discovered his lies, you got out. No one could have done more.

And FWIW, my story: when I was seventeen and on my first ever girls-only holiday to Ibiza, one night in the hotel dining room a guy got on one knee and made a big flowery proposal to his GF in front of both their families, all the guests and staff. Cue her ecstatic acceptance, everyone's applause....you can imagine.

My friends and I headed off for our night ou tbut caught up with him again in the early hours next morning: seems the reps had taken him on a celebratory bar crawl while his GF celebrated with her family. We all headed backto the hotel together and I ended up riding up in the elevator with just him (friends had other fish to fry in the lobby).

As soon as the doors shut, he grabbed me and tried to kiss me. I gave him a good hard shove demanded to know what the hell he was doing as he'd just got engaged. Twatface's reply? "That doesn't mean I have to marry her." THEN HE TRIED IT ON AGAIN.

Ugh! I can honestly say that I am less trusting that I would have been had this never happened, but I know his shitty behaviour wasn't my fault; if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else. Some people are just awful.

I've had men on their stag do try it on too. What is wrong with them?.

On his wedding day he sent me an e-mail talking about how he'd 'never wanted anything or anyone' as much as he wanted me. On his WEDDING day. I just feel sick to my stomach.

MrsBoldon, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Some men are s*s. And unfortunately women come accross more than one in our dating life, I know I have. Also despite what we may joke, the twonks sometimes hide it well. You better than that idiot, please don't let him jade your openness to people. I am sure you are lovely.

SweetEdmengarde how awful. Did you do anything about it?

He knows how much this is hurting you from your response to finding out what a terminally duplicitous, fucking shitbag he is. There is no conversation to be had which would lessen the pain you are feeling now. The only answer you need is that he did it because he could and because he wanted to regardless of the risks he was taking. He's beneath contempt. You may not feel it now but you've had a very lucky escape. And so has his wife.

I'll NC after this thread because it's humiliating and because I am usually a very together professional and what I'm about to say just isn't 'together' at all.

I was raped aged 14 and a few people in RL know (and people on MN know because they don't know who I am!). But this. ..and I know my current thinking is irrational and I'll CBT myself tomorrow (MH professional though clearly a shit one as couldn't spot him being a douche) but this situation just makes me think if only for a while that it's ME. I'm only worth a fuck. That's all I've ever been worth since my teens. There is something I do or some signal I give off that confirms that for men. They can see who I really am even if I cover it well the rest of the time. They marry the 'good' ones and I'll never be that.

I just wanted to say that. Can't say it in real life because no-one would believe that I'd think that even for a second. I don't need replies, just wanted to be able to say it somewhere. I'll sort myself out tomorrow but sometimes (very rare, honestly!) these feelings and words are stuck in my throat and I feel like they're choking me.

Thank you for indulging me! X

Years ago I worked with a woman who had been invited to the wedding of an ex boyfriend. She bragged after that she travelled up for the wedding and was the last person he shagged before the wedding ceremony (easy) and the first one he shagged after it (not so easy).
Absolutely fucking despicable behaviour on behalf of both of them!
There is just something missing with some people!

MrsBoldon - so sorry that you've had this experience! Your last post though - you said you're going to "CBT" yourself tomorrow so hopefully that will help you see the fallacy in what you're brain is trying to trick you with - it's really not you, well not in the way you're suggesting. But these bastards do have a "nose" for people who have a vulnerability and they like to prey upon the vulnerable. I used to say it was like having a flashing neon sign above your head, only visible to predatory bastards - but it's not something you've set up yourself (although you can work on changing it).

Re. trying to get answers - don't bother. He has been lying to you solidly for your entire relationship - he's not going to start telling you the truth now, so any "answers" you get won't be worth a bar of soap, and will only make you feel worse.

I hope his wife does tell him to fuck off but she might not - and your contact might be written off as the "work of a deluded ex who has been stalking him" - so don't expect to find out anything in that scenario either.

You've done the right thing to let her know, now just walk away from the situation completely.

(((hugs))) though - it's shit. :(

PedantMarina sadly no. I was seventeen, they were mid/late twenties and had their families with them. I thought she would dismiss me as some silly tart who'd chased him (and he'd probably encourage that to save his own skin), and I'd then have to stay there another week with them all hating me.

So I just avoided them for the rest of the holiday. These days I scare a lot less easily and would just tell her. Like a lot of you, I'd want to know in her place.

MrsBoldon, forgive me if this doesn't come off the way I mean it, but I'm giving you a virtual slap in the face with some wet spaghetti. Stop talking bollocks You are worth so much more than a fuck. >shakes finger sternly<

I've been looking for links without success, but the concept is that whilst a nice, normal non-abusive man will respect your boundaries, the abusive man doesn't. Often, in the early days when things are exciting and you don't know each other well (and he's on his best behaviour, of course) this look like being interested (when nobody else is). But what you don't see because all the flash is right in front of you, is the nice guy who simply didn't intrude where he shouldn't have.

Good luck with CBT tomorrow, and keep in touch.

SweetE - totally feel your pain. The things we put up with when we were wee gels. I wish I could have the figure I had then and the wisdom I have now. Both.

Thanks Thumb (I've seen you on other threads and you're sound btw). That's what is humiliating me the most, that I worked with fucked-up abusive men for years. But if I'm being kind to myself I'd say that in my work I had shit-hot professional boundaries because I knew what I was dealing with and how manipulators would see any way in and capitalise on it.

But I wasn't thinking that when I met this incredibly handsome man who seemed to know who I was from the get go. I now want to bang my head on a wall because now HE seems clear. But he chased me, I have sky high personal defences and it's rare someone gets past them.

In so many ways it was my fault this happened. I should have seen it. That was my job for years!. But he wasn't too intense from the start, never did or said anything that was a red flag at all. And when I let my defences down he seemed to be everything I'd ever dreamed of and couldn't ever hope would happen to me. But I didn't let HIM know that, I maintained a distance emotionally ( I think I did. I utterly fell in love with him but I tried to not show that).

It's pathetic but I'd wake up in the night and look at him sleeping and think ' you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen and I love you so much and I will never believe I'm good enough for you' . Crying like a twat typing that and that is NOT me!.

I know I won't get any answers from him and I'm sure she'll believe whatever he tells her. I did. I would now if I hadn't have seen the bloody wedding photos, in my heart I'd know whatever he said was bollocks but without the photographic evidence I'd want to believe him if he wanted me. Sad.

Just read my last post and God, it's pathetic!. It's not a good disclaimer but I've had some wine even though it's early and I am being an utter knob.

Listening to Paloma Faiths 'Only love can hurt like this' plus wine plus my twatishness is a baaaaadddd combo. My apologies xx

I think the reason you've been able to see douchebags clearly in your professional life is because you aren't emotionally involved. You absolutely cannot blame yourself for this. He has lied to and deceived you and his wife, and all of his friends and family. If he can fool all of those people, then he's an expert liar and that is not your fault. You aren't a human lie detector.

Oh it's so not your fault.
He was just very clever, and very good at being a lying cheating bastard! And obviously very charming (they kind of have to be, really).

And you know, it's not uncommon for people who work in professional areas to miss the same thing in their personal life, iyswim.
Different scenario entirely but here you are: my niece had a brain tumour when she was 21mo. I sat in with my sister (who has no medical knowledge) while the neurosurgeon was discussing treatment etc. with her, and I was a little irate that she'd been symptomatic for 3m prior to diagnosis but the GP and local hospital had failed time and again to pick it up. Neuro man told me of a colleague of his who was also a paed neurosurgeon, who had missed the symptoms of a brain tumour in his own son. Luckily the boy was diagnosed in time to be saved, but his father thought his persistent headaches etc. were just him trying to get out of going to school.

So my point - again - is that it's MUCH easier to see it in other people than it is to spot it in your own life. Like that old saying "Doctors' wives die young, cobblers' wives go barefoot".

Cry it out though - you need to let all the pain and broken dreams go - but please do stop blaming yourself. (((hugs)))

(and thanks for the kind words! :) )

I don't know what to say except that he has done a dreadful thing to you and his new spouse, and how could you possibly have 'read' a sociopath (or whatever he is)?

And now you have the hard task of saying goodbye to a man who never even existed. But you will get there. And next time - and one day there will be a next time - you will have a whole new and improved 'risk assessment' strategy to carry out for yourself, learned from experience.

Thinking of you

Well, in a way you're right - he did know who you were from the get-go. That kind of guy always does. Everything from the beginning, including and especially not putting up any red flag-behaviour (because he would have known that you know these things, from your profession) was a calculated act.

But it's not your fault. Not by a long mile.

The new bride might believe you (if she even got the message), or she might not. But even if she doesn't now, she'll learn.

MrsB, you're still smarting from this, and it's going to take some time for that to settle. I'll put away the wet spaghetti and give you a non-mumsnetty hug instead.

So sorry to hear such a painful experience.

All I can say is that men like this, with sociopathic behaviour tend to have no empathy whatsoever.

He said the things you wanted to hear, as a way to get the things he wanted. It was all about him. There was nothing you could've done differently. But you found him out, and you acted appropriately. You let her know what was going on. Now step back surround yourself with support and take care of yourself.

I never used to ask for help, but when my husband walked out I told people. There was no way I was normalizing his behaviour, and talking it through out loud makes it real and helps you rationalize.

I'd imagine they are on their honeymoon now, poor poor woman.

What's that William Gibson quotation? "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by assholes."

It's not you, honestly.