Namechanged and Long Story!
Was with my ex DP for 13 years (not married, no kids) found out he was cheating on me three years ago, he left me that night literally on the floor. It took me six months to get my life back into any sort of order (with the help of counselling and AD's)
He was very cold distant, basically treated me like a stranger, was living with the OW up the road, didnt give a crap how i was coping but wanted money from house etc, tried to bully me into giving him money. Started legal action to get money but failed.
Subsequently split up with OW ( three months after leaving) he sofa surfed for a bit, asked me to come home ( i said no) eventually got his own place. Tried to start making up to me, saw him a few times (3/4) told him i didnt know what i wanted and couldnt trust him (no sex)
Checked his phone on one occasion to find texts from other woman, about organising a first date, of course i had it out with him and he started with the i dont know what i want etc etc
He strarted seeing her ( i didnt see him) and eventually moved in with her and her children, he told me he loved her etc fast forward a couple of years and we are friendly i see him now and again for a drink.
For the last year he has been telling me he is unhappy with this woman and wants to leave, over the last few months he has been asking to come back, he misses me made a mistake etc. I normally keep my guard up but recently i have been considering giving it another go.
I have told him to leave his current partner before we can even consider anything, he says he cant because of housing costs etc
We meet for a drink every week and mainly talk have kissed and held hands but no sex.
He says he wants to come home, and tbh i would love that if it could go back to the way it was but it cant.I question his motives for coming back, i feel that he does love me, but would he feel the same if i had no house and no money and if he and his new partner were getting along.
He moved in with her too quick (within three months) and her two children, she is 33 and has been married twice and i think things are quite compicated for her with exs, my life is quite simple and stress free and i think that is part of the attraction for him.
I have few friends and family and can get very lonely sometimes, even though im always laughing and joking at work, i sometimes feel like Im not worthy of being liked or loved etc i keep a barrier up its like i feel if people knew what i was really like they wouldnt care for me, we broke up 2 and half years ago and im still single and not really interested in looking, I miss love and affection but im afraid of rejection too.
I met with him today and he was polite but looked so disinterested and when i got upset, he said ffs whats wrong now, you need to get over this and move past it, he called me stupid and immature and said i needed to let it go, I got so angry and screamed so hard i thought i would faint, he said i make him feel guilty whenever he sees me. I said some not very nice things too, but surely he should be making every effort to make things better?
I have tried so hard to rise above all the crap and for a long time there was hardly any contact, i have never been abusive or nasty and always try to do the right thing, im so upset this afternoon, he has made me feel a piece of crap, worthy of nothing, why do i keep going back for more?
Why cant i walk away for good? Is been so long...