contact with children after domestic abuse

[turbonerd]

Hoping for some practical advice here. We have 3 children, have lived apart since he got arrested last winter. Since Sept last year the children and I moved to my homecountry in Scandinavia. Now he wants to move here. He has visited and we have spent time together so that he could be with the children. Despite me telling him in no uncertain terms that this was for the Benefit of the children, no reconciliation possible, in fact I have a new partner etc, he still hinted to us getting back together. I Said no, and it looks like he has understood. Should I welcome him moving close to be with the children? The two oldest miss him desperately.

Ignore this if it's not appropriate, but I found I had to adopt a sort of blanket policy of thinking "however I think or react, it's probably the right reaction or thought". Thereby sort of forcing myself to trust my own perceptions and feelings again, IYSWIM.

Keep posting and keep those scales falling from your eyes .

That is a good policy, will go for that one. It seems people quickly pick up on me having too long a fuse. Am being substitute teacher and some of the (quite old) kids are really pushinG it. Very useful in learning to establish my boundaries though, so I dont panic too much.
I am getting angry with how his abuse eroded much of the trust I had inmyself.

Strangling is a massive deal. It's correlated with higher risk. So is sexual abuse.
I know how it feels to have your reactions constantly challenged, until you're scared you're being overdramatic about the whole thing. It's quite a handy tactic of an abuser - stops you challenging stuff. But the feeling that you might be overreacting can hang around, and needs to be challenged so that you can feel ok with yourself for still being upset and unsettled by the things he did to you.
There's a security expert called Gavin de Becker. He wrote The Gift of Fear about how fear works (and how it works for us). And there's an interesting chapter on fear in the context of DV. You can also do a MOSAIC assessment on his website which gives you a rating for how dangerous your situation was/is. If you think this is for you, and you're prepared for what I think would show a high level of risk, it might be useful to you. www.mosaicmethod.com/. I scored my situation in retrospect. It gave me a very high score, which in a funny way is helpful when I'm worried about overreacting, for still needing to work through some of the things that happened to me. I haven't done it for now though .

I can really recommend therapy too.

It's good to hear that you are reconsidering events from other perspectives than the one that beign the ground-down wife gives.

I suspect you're right; your boundaries are very low. It's good you are rediscovering them, or at least the need for them. At a guess you once had good boundaries, he eroded and destroyed them, and it's a journey to see what's happened and to re-erect them.

One day you're going to really be angry at what he's done.

I will look at that site Goldfish. The police and dv unit and witness protection all Said high risk. I researched a lot regarding the strangling, and the other things. It sums up to a total disregard for me. Å fuckdoll, which makes me sick to write. Someone who must Bow, otherwise they are expendable. It really was like that. No justification would ever be enough to say no, for instance. It is disgusting.
Funny how when I get angry I find my big voice and it unsettles people a lot. (I'm å very petite woman).
It goes up an down, but mostly up. This is helping a lot.

Hi turbonerd, how are you doing? You're right, it is a very different process accepting something emotionally, from knowing it intellectually.

As I've said before, with everything you write about this man, the worse he seems. You must have lived with so much fear, it will take a while to process all this.

But you got away. Never minimise the extent of that achievement. Here's to you getting angry!

Things are good. I am very happy we got away. It would not have ended well had we not gotten peace from him.
It is so sad, because the deceit is so profound. I can reading see it when I read the threads of other women experiencing similar. It is the same for all of us in that it is very difficult to accept that someone close to you can be si nasty. Mine is convinced he did nothing to harm me. It was to "help me" and otherwise he was pusher from pillar to post by my contrary behaviour. He fully believes this. And so did I, until he showed no regard for the safety of his child.
It is the case for most of us that it is only when it becomes impossiblevto ignore that it is harming our children is when we finally wake up.
The fear had seeped in everywhere. I had palpitations. I still can wake in the night having dreamt he is there attacking me or us.
Yes, anger is very necessary here. And in all these cases.

You are absolutely right. It's only when yousee it affecting your kids you realise something has to change. Before that it's too easy to explain it away.

Have you read a book called The Gift Of Fear? I think you need to. Also reread Why Does He Do That.

The fear is horrible, but it is apparently also a gift. It tells you what you need to do - keep him far, far away from you and yours.

Again: getting away from him was incredibly brave. You should be so very proud of yourself.

Just saying hello, all quiet from you for a while, hope that means things are still going well.