Partner, porn and escorts

[alongcamespiders]

Hi this seems to be a common issue, I have been seeing my 'partner' for 8 months. We were friends a long time before that and he knew that one of the reasons me and ex h split was because of h's porn habit and lack of interest in me. So new partner says he used to use porn but doesn't anymore.
Something's didn't seem right and one day when he'd left himself logged on I had a snoop , of which I am not proud.
Anyway...I found that he is a frequent porn user. Nothing particularly alarming in it and our sex life is excellent. So I was annoyed about the lie but could live with it but then I delved deeper (curiosity killed the cat) and I found regular searches for local escorts, one in particular was frequently searched for by named and some were very near to his house.
We have split a couple of times after some arguments and during those periods there were lots of escort searches, and to be fair I haven't seen any during the time we were a couple.
My issue is, do I tell him I snooped and tell him how I feel about this and see what he says about it, eg was it just fantasy searches or was he having sex with them? My instinct tells me he was having sex with them, particularly the one he searches for most frequently.
I could just tell him I'm not ready for a relationship and I want to concentrate on my kids and let him have his 'dignity' I'm really upset but have a lot on my plate elsewhere at the moment and don't need another relationship with a porn loser sex addict. I feel like such a dick, loads of the porn he's searched for mirrors exactly what he suggests for us in the bedroom, I love it all especially after the drought that was my marriage and he is uber romantic and thoughtful but to me it seems he's hiding a huge secret and I feel that I should have the right to choose who I spend my time with and am I unreasonable I wanting to know about his proclivities or am I being a complete thought police and need to wind my neck in?

"When we split before he was very tenacious in getting me back despite the interim prostitute use. I know through mutual friends he has painted me as a neurotic who did all the running"

There are two big red flags here. Tenacity in getting you back probably felt flattering at the time but it often masks someone who has no respect for your decisions. Painting you as a neurotic is manipulative and insulting. If the word 'backlash' is even in your mind, he's probably abusive. A man who uses hookers, don't forget, has no respect for women in general.

I'm sorry you're lonely and that you miss him. If you cut away everything else I think that's the real reason you're still giving him more chances. You lack confidence, you believe he's the best you can do and you fear loneliness.

pompodd I will not stay in the relationship in denial just end it in the ways suggested here. He knows I have a lot on my plate, I have used it as an excuse before and can use it again. I think that the way I found out plus the fact that it's his body time and money means that I have no real right to criticise him apart from the lying. It's so good to be able to come here and talk it through with people.
He does try to reassure me sometimes re recently but sometimes his reassurances are just glossing over what I've said rather than offering explanations.
Thanks humblepiemonster yes it's his issue not mine. I'm finding it really hard to match this porn loving escort using man with the man I thought I knew so well. How can people lead such double lives? I just don't get it.

There are two big red flags here. Tenacity in getting you back probably felt flattering at the time but it often masks someone who has no respect for your decisions. Painting you as a neurotic is manipulative and insulting. If the word 'backlash' is even in your mind, he's probably abusive.

I agree, and TBH I think your posts show that you do as well, I see a big red flag in him painting you as neurotic to others but he is the one that has to have counselling etc.

Hes obviously either very blaz‘e about what he gets up to or just plain fucking stupid, because if I was a porn/escort addict ID make sure my history was wiped, I don't see why you should have to cope with having the sole burden knowing this without confronting him.
The way I see it he has completely blown your trust and you aren't going to be able to go back being just friends, so I would confront him outright about it, let him say whatever hurtful bollocks he wants, it will only be to mask the fact that its him who has royally fucked up...End the relationship/friendship as amicable as you can and be proud of your own intuition, you Had a hunch and you were right

OP you don't stay with someone in order to fix them or because you're worried about a backlash if you leave them. His lovey-dovey messages today are to reel you back in.

Thanks guys, he is obviously wondering what's going on has just messaged me again saying he hopes I'm ok. vivacia he doesn't know that I have found his info so probably doesn't realise that there is reeling in to be done. I actually had a really horrible dream last night about him shagging this escort and them laughing at me, I might just tell him about the dream and say it's bothered me and I obviously still have trust issues and best if I just concentrate on my own stuff...cowardly much?

vivacia it's ridiculous , I'm genuinely worried about the 'backlash' probably more so than actually bring without him, he is psychologically very clever and well read and I have seen first hand how he can 'do a number' on people, because he's much loved and admired he has people eating out of his hands and gushing at him and about him, I always took him with a pinch of salt and never quite got into the hero worship but there's still a part of me that had him elevated to some level above my own.
I definitely have self esteem issues, I didn't really realise it until very recently when I tried to look objectively at all the crap I've put up with!

Oh please, for god's sake don't say that!
You want a round of verbal abuse for thinking that of him?
Own you decision.
It's a very good decision.
You don't have to tell him exactly why, just that he isn't "the one" is enough. Who needs the confrontation?
But don't blame yourself to him.
Partly because you just shouldn't, and partly because that WOULD be a bad reason to dump him and opens you up to his utter shite about you being neurotic!

FWIW, I'm divorcing a man who has used prostitutes throughout our relationship. Don't beat yourself up. I'm attractive, as I'm sure are you. And double life? Even a good friend of mine said "are you SURE?". He's Mr Nice Guy. Except he isn't.

Just drop him, and leave him where he falls.

Wow cabrinha awful that it's happened to you with your husband , it feels like its endemic in our society and I wonder how real or skewed my view is.
Thank you for the pep talk I wish I was stronger I just can't get my head around any of it, this guy is like a complete Jekyll and Hyde. I've never known anybody who has so many sides to them, maybe I just haven't lived, I find it really scary and intimidating not knowing who he really is after I've let him into my heart, I've shared so many secrets with him over the usages and I know that lots of other people have too. Particularly other vulnerable women, because I have been very vulnerable these last few years and he's been privy to everything , he knew all the porn stuff before he even made his move, it's really disturbing me, I feel targeted.

Don't overthink it. Just ditch him and move on.

is his name danny? because he's beginning to sound awfully familiar...

you need to ditch him. move out of his area of influence.

No not Danny! I'm intrigued though!
I haven't done anything yet bar not returning his messages, I'm fookin exhausted and can't dace anymore trauma right now, life sucks sometimes, I really have so much to deal with right now, you wouldn't believe.

Not being able to face any more is a good sign. Keep it up, the trauma avoidance.

Avoid ANTs as well.

(Automatic negative thoughts)

Don't even give em headspace.

If you are apprehensive about him turning nasty use his vanity against him.

Say to this man that you now realise that you have still to work through issues raised by the end of the relationship with your exH. You know that he has probably guessed already what with him being so intuitive and empathic and all but it's not fair to him and you feel it's best you part now as friends.

He might realise he has a golden opportunity to walk away ego intact. It seems important to him to maintain his reputation as great guy so this way around mutual friends he doesn't lose any credibility so no unpleasantness for you.

He knew how strongly you felt about your exH's behaviour but went right ahead and did worse so I don't think you should feel bad about 'snooping'.

I would leave with dignity.
He can think whatever he wants but he won't pull you into his lies. You become in control of the situation.

Thanks donkeys and arsenal I think that's the way to go. I can't just keep ignoring him, we have plans together this weekend plus are meant to be going away together next weekend. It's really sad, we were going to a place that's really special to us both as individuals and now as a pair, it's really beautiful, wild and romantic we had great plans for so many things and were so compatible with our interests and really spark off each other with humour, sex and millions of things, it's so hard to tally that with what I've seen oa computer screen.

Just ditch him. He has problems not you . And you are attracting a lot of sleaze balls because there are an awful lot of them out there ! Nothing you are doing is attracting them . I blame the Internet and the easy access to some truly awful porn and the sense of entitlement that some men have as regards sex the way they want it without any consideration for their partners needs .

4seasons thank you for your reassurances. I do agree about the proliferation of easy access nasty porn online but what I don't get is why it only seems to mess up how men live their lives, largely women don't seem to be so compulsive and obsessive with it, unless you just don't hear about women struggling with porn addiction, I'm sure there are women out there but it seems predominantly men who seem to think they are predisposed, 'more visual' and all the other blah excuses I've ever heard.
Surely the two sexes aren't that different??? Is it just that historically men have always thought of women as objects and there is still that tendency handed down and we just aren't as equal as we like to think we are?

Ok....so I emailed my excuses and ended the relationship last week. I told the truth about why it's the wrong time for me to be in a relationship but I didn't tell him the truth about why I had ended it then.
He was angry but only showed it by a cold email reply and by returning every thing I had ever given him or left at his house, to the point where it became petty, I had no contact with the ex , he just left stuff outside of my house...
Anyway it's been Nearly a week of no contact then tonight he has sent me a huge email basically listing all the ways in which our affair had been beautiful and saying that he is completely confused about how it went from so good to ending.
We were having a particularly romantic time before I found about his likely penchant for sex workers so I can see how it came as a shock.
I'm torn between not replying or letting him know exactly why I ended it just so that he is under no illusions, I know he is painting me as a loon because I know his modus operandi!
Please help me to decide what to do, it's a weird situation and I'm so confused.

Just email him back saying "I agree, it was a lovely relationship, in between your visits to prostitutes..."

Hahaha felicitygubbins short and to the point.

...was our relationship beautiful in so much as it didn't cost you money like your escort sex did? Or because you didn't have to use a search engine to see my body and worry about deleting your browsing history after?...

Yep. I am definitely too soft. Reading your replies makes me think I have too much empathy, I was feeling sorry for him thinking he deserves to know the truth instead of always wondering.
The prevailing thought about him is that I deserved to know the truth before we got together so that I could choose whether I want another addict or not.
He did give me lots of little red flags so in some ways he was telling me the truth through 'leakage' but I just merrily ignored them (pattern emerging here)

You did deserve the truth. You aren't soft, just still coming to terms with things not being what you thought. You can't just switch off feelings, it would be lovely if that was possible. You can however take what you know and save yourself any more hurt. You have been brave ending it.

Thank you mrsminton I guess I have been brave in a way. I'd be feeling a lot worse if I'd found out and stayed with him.