Partner, porn and escorts

[alongcamespiders]

Hi this seems to be a common issue, I have been seeing my 'partner' for 8 months. We were friends a long time before that and he knew that one of the reasons me and ex h split was because of h's porn habit and lack of interest in me. So new partner says he used to use porn but doesn't anymore.
Something's didn't seem right and one day when he'd left himself logged on I had a snoop , of which I am not proud.
Anyway...I found that he is a frequent porn user. Nothing particularly alarming in it and our sex life is excellent. So I was annoyed about the lie but could live with it but then I delved deeper (curiosity killed the cat) and I found regular searches for local escorts, one in particular was frequently searched for by named and some were very near to his house.
We have split a couple of times after some arguments and during those periods there were lots of escort searches, and to be fair I haven't seen any during the time we were a couple.
My issue is, do I tell him I snooped and tell him how I feel about this and see what he says about it, eg was it just fantasy searches or was he having sex with them? My instinct tells me he was having sex with them, particularly the one he searches for most frequently.
I could just tell him I'm not ready for a relationship and I want to concentrate on my kids and let him have his 'dignity' I'm really upset but have a lot on my plate elsewhere at the moment and don't need another relationship with a porn loser sex addict. I feel like such a dick, loads of the porn he's searched for mirrors exactly what he suggests for us in the bedroom, I love it all especially after the drought that was my marriage and he is uber romantic and thoughtful but to me it seems he's hiding a huge secret and I feel that I should have the right to choose who I spend my time with and am I unreasonable I wanting to know about his proclivities or am I being a complete thought police and need to wind my neck in?

hm, there are a lot of sleazeballs out there and some of them, you can detect pretty quick while others are very good at concealing their nature. This one sounds like he's liked by most people who don't see the effect he has on the ones nearest and should-be-dearest to him.

Those who do see the effect he has, dislike him. Yep, good camoflage this one. At least you detected it at this point and not later in.

You listened to your instincts and checked when something seemed wrong.

Myabe the only thing you need to do is to give yourself a break. As said, there's a lot of sleazeballs out there. The trick is to kick the easily detectable ones to the curb early. The cleverer ones, you just have to chalk up to experience.

abbykins interesting response in direct opposition to most of the other posters! could you just enjoy it knowing your lover has possibly been paying for sex from prostitutes for possibly a considerable amount of time?

I totally disagree abbykins

She can have decent sex with someone who doesn't think it's ok to use women as wank socks.

X - post op!

I don't think any of his behaviour will help your self esteem.

Have my first ever LTB.

whatever you think of porn and / or sex workers, lying and deceiving you - which is what he's done from the start - is a relationship killer.

the spitefulness is extra crap on top. Nope, you deserve way better.

wowserbrowser that's kind of how I feel , at first I thought it's his own private business and we've all done things we might be ashamed or embarrassed about but I know it would never be far from my mind. I have trusted him for years and years never knowing about his secret creepy life.
I loved him as a friend long before our relationship changed.
I can't imagine what I am through his eyes, he's poetic and romantic, so tender and loving but the dark side is so murky, and that's just what I do know about, imagine the stuff I don't know!

Abbykins is advocating something also central to our sexual zeitgeist.

Emotional numbness. Utilitarianism at the cost of emotional authenticity.

She's advising you to be as dysfunctional as the guy you are dumping.

It's the old 'if you can't beat em, join em' mentality.

minkah that's what I did in my marriage! it made me ill. I know plenty of people who stay and numb themselves for the sake of whatever , I can't do it and I would rather be alone and single than pit on a brave face and deceive myself.

Please do dump this guy and fast. That's No. 1
No. 2 - get to your local GUM clinic or GP and get yourself checked for STI's
No. 3 - contact womens aid and get yourself booked onto the Freedom Progamme. If you don't have one you can attend local to you then complete it on-line
No. 4 - see all the red flags early on (after completing Freedom Programme) and don't engage any further with abusive fuckwits.
No. 5 - find nice, kind, loving, respectful man and have a fulfilling relationship.

"I am good at attracting them"

After you've got shot of this man, please do some work on your self-esteem. You're not some kind of magnet for sleazy chancers, and that's how you're currently painting yourself. Getting involved with people romantically is a risky business, you meet all sorts and there are going to be a few rotten apples along the way. They don't advertise themselves, they look like everyone else and the only way you find out what they are really like is by taking a chance.

So it's not your fault if you've been unlucky. Please don't make their bad character your responsibility beyond kicking their sorry backsides to the kerb.

a couple of splits in an 8 month period doesn't bode well anyway. Its too short a time for drama and bickering

Leaving aside any talk about porn or escorts, this was the bit that leapt out at me as well.

Well, the fact that there wasn't any searches whilst you two were together shows he's not a complete dick.
As for the porn, maybe he thought the issue was the fact your ex wasn't showing you any interest due to too much porn use NOT just the porn use on its own? In which case, you said your sexlife is brilliant so maybe he thinks that that's Ok?

Btw, I wouldn't be happy with it either but maybe your partner is genuinely thinking he's not doing anything wrong?

^a couple of splits in an 8 month period doesn't bode well anyway. Its too short a time for drama and bickering

Leaving aside any talk about porn or escorts, this was the bit that leapt out at me as well.^

Agree.

hampshireboy so I'm presuming you're a man? Where do you stand on this subject, if anywhere? What are your thoughts about it and whether I should react of not?

standinginline that's kind of the direction I was leaning towards which is what made me come on here in the first place! I'm sure he does know though, he's super intelligent and paints himself as very new age, intuitive almost feminist and very moralistic when pointing out the faults of others. But getting to know him more he is actually a very damaged character with multiple issues all of which he says he's working on in order to make our relationship last. He is already in counselling.

I don't think that there's anything about you OP that's attracting sleazy guys. All women attract sleazy guys - it's just a question of learning to filter them out.

I meant to say he is already in counselling but I think judging from things he says he compartmentalises what he shares with his therapist so it might not be that much use going to counselling.

cogito thank you for reminding me it's not my fault. I still feel partly to blame especially as I've ended it twice already, I feel like I'm really messing with his head but if I hadn't had bad feelings about the real hidden him then we wouldn't have had those splits in the first place.

alongcamespiders - I'm sure HampshireBoy will give his own views, but I'm a man too and basically think that he lied to you (said he doesn't use porn anymore but he does). He's also lied by omission by using escorts. If he knew your views on porn, he must know what your views would be on using escorts as well.

In my opinion it's a bit fucked up that as soon as he split with you he was off looking for escorts. I can see how that must feel to you like he was just using you for sex. I suspect he won't see it this way at all, incidentally, but that doesn't really matter. It does suggest that he doesn't really have much self-control or maturity.

"if I hadn't had bad feelings about the real hidden him ...."

There's no shame in having a few false starts or in doubting your judgement. There's no shame in wanting to give someone a second chance who subsequently proved not to be worth it. It's not 'messing with his head' therefore and how you got to this point is not so relevant. You now have information that paints him in a very bad light and how you deal with it will determine your level of self-respect going forward.

I also think someone who ends a relationship one week and goes hunting for hookers the next has much more serious problems than simply being a 'bad character'

hampshireboy so I'm presuming you're a man? Where do you stand on this subject, if anywhere? What are your thoughts about it and whether I should react of not?

If it was just use of porn, and even escorts, whilst you weren't together I would say that you are on slightly dodgy ground - after all you went snooping to find this info. In his head (possibly) this was something he did when you weren't together. I should say that I've never considered going with an escort, before anyone leaps in. I assume that, if he had sex with them, they would be very careful about STIs.

Plenty of men (and women) use porn as well as having a decent sex life, they see it as relaxation I assume.

I do think you need to understand his issues though, and understand your relationship - why you break up and get back together; understand why you have broken it off before, can you learn to live with the reasons or can the pair of you sort them out. Will you be happy long term with this guy, you have to put yourself and your kids first.

cant see how anyone can be genuinely happy with a spiteful man, hampshire, even laying everythign else on one side. Any time you were cross with him, you'd be opening yourself up for spite. Not something people want to do.

pompodd I have very unclear views on what's normal and what's fucked up where men are concerned! I've had so much of people 'normalising' things that I feel like I must be bring totally unrealistic in my expectations of what a man can legitimately do. Re my ex h I spot to lords if friends and family and it seemed so many people thought I should just grin and bear it because porn is so mainstream now.

He has a lot less self control or maturity than he presents with, he is a completely different person from the one I thought I knew, I was just coming to terms with his 'flaws' and character traits and believed he was trying yo change then I found out about this.

cogito I do need to deal with it don't I? Bloody hell I just want the drama to stop. When we split before he was very tenacious in getting me back despite the interim prostitute use. I know through mutual friends he has painted me as a neurotic who did all the running. I did miss him and therefore reciprocated and gave in quite easily. I know he's very damaged which is probably why I've kept it going for so long. I am kind of scared of his backlash as well though.

hampshireguy thanks for your reply. I agree re the dodgy ground, what I've done was intrusive and we all know that eavesdroppers never hear good of themselves! If a person is driven to snoop I believe it already means that they know something is wrong, maybe just a subconscious sense.

We broke up a couple of times mainly around his weird defensiveness which he says he's working on to improve and admittedly lately he has been much more even tempered. He thinks our communication is the best it's ever been. Also I have huge trust issues from my marriage and regularly feel that he's not being honest with me which I find really unsettling and he hates when I question or doubt him.

He's messaged me a couple of times today from work, romantic, caring, thoughtful messages and I haven't responded because I just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to attack him, I don't want to hurt him and I don't sang an emotional scene, I'm pretty sure I'm going to try and keep quiet about what I've found, more for my own protection than his, I think he has one of the worst personality disorders I've ever seen. He's big on denial and attack as defence and I don't feel strong enough to risk his attack.

meerka he says he's working on that side of himself but I'm always wary waiting for the hammer to fall. I guess without realising it I've started walking on eggshells. The weird thing is that all the issues I think that he has he genuinely thinks are my issues, I've gleaned this from the America snooping session, a lot. His web searches are around me being neurotic, narcissistic, the list is endless.

Not America snooping.weird auto thing going on

When you say that you are going to try and keep quiet about what you've found do you mean that you are going to stay in the relationship (with his personality disorders, denial tendencies, "attack as defence" approach etc)?

Even if you feel that what you did means you are on dodgy ground (and I'm not sure I agree with HampshireBoy that you are anyway - you haven't said why you snooped other than you said something didn't seem right) it doesn't mean that you have to put up with or stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy. Does he ever try to reassure you when you question or doubt him - him just saying he hates it doesn't seem great? If my wife questioned or doubted me about something my first instinct would be to reassure her, not to be defensive and say I hated to be questioned.

If you're unhappy (or not even sure if you are happy) that's a good enough reason in my book! It's almost like you feel that you're not entitled to end a relationship unless you are on the moral high ground. Surely you can end it anytime you like if you're not happy?

I'm so miserable, to think I have been such a mug
No you weren't. You were wary, sensible and found out. Now ditch him and check your health. 'Its not working for me, its over' is enough.
Don't worry about him. He didn't have to use porn or escorts. That was his choice.