Support thread for those with unhappy, bitter, lonely parents.

[code]

Am hoping I'm not alone, would like to hear from others how they manage
and support parents who are unhappy and lonely.

Here's my story:

I'm an only child, my father went off with OW when I was a few months old and mum was in her early twenties. He was a useless and absent parent and I don't see him.

The problem is mum never seemed to get over this. She's late sixties now and never had another partner. She's still very angry at father and doesn't trust men. She has zero hobbies/interests since retiring and has lost most of her friends through being difficult/sulking/argumentative (never her fault of course). She is always right and everyone else is wrong. These character traits are intensifying / becoming more ingrained as she ages.

She loves my DC (she tolerates poor DH and is generally ok towards him) and is helpful and often nice but I'm just finding her such hard work of late. She's overly anxious/worrier and this has worsened now she has so much free time. She projects a lot of this onto us and makes me anxious. She scoffs at people having interests and is above everything. She won't join clubs or do things on her own. She's also always hinting to come on holiday with us, we have tried this several times but she's even harder work on holiday, wanting to control everything and having a go at DH all the time. She now sulks when we say we're going away. She occasionally says things which make me realise she's lonely and prefers company. But she is too difficult to be friends with!

She makes me feel so responsible for her happiness and social life. She has a couple of friends left and 2 siblings. She drives them all potty too and I'm constantly trying to placate her / get her to see the other side to stop her falling out with them and being even more unhappy.

Would be interested to hear the stories of others and how best to manage unhappy people.

I decided long ago that my unhappy parents had made their own bed and would have to lie in it. Suggest you take the same approach to your DM. All the time she has you acting as her social life, she has no incentive to make an effort with other people.

Just a heads-up however. You mention that her character traits are becoming more intense and ingrained. My DM's problems started there a few years ago and, now in her mid-seventies, what started as being difficult/negative/suspicious has now developed into quite a serious dementia. If you think she has undiagnosed depression or something else similar, it could be worth involving her GP

How depressing. Especially since when one of my parents karks it, this will be exactly the scenario I am facing. I expect I am BU to hope that when they go a carcrash wipes them both out simultaneously but after being emotionally blackmailed by them all my life, I suspect a jury would find mitigation easily enough. At the moment, their mutual bitterness and hate of each other keeps the brunt of it from my door.

Thanks Cogito I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I don't see dementia in mum yet but have been wary that it could develop. It's more of a gradual slide into a stubborn way of thinking and behaviour. Interestingly she produces a totally different, bubbly persona when she meets casual acquaintances. I'm jealous they get to see this happy woman when I and those close to her get left with constant moaning and picking. It's so difficult to detach with her living near by and being involved with DC.

That's really sad AnyFucker - do you think the problems stem from their relationship or their characters?

chaseface how did you manage to disengage? Is your mum far away? Do you have siblings who share the burden?

My parents have had a terrible relationship all my life. He is an emotional abuser to both her and his kids. She enables him and didn't protect her children from it.

code I would resist mightily any attempts by your mother to join your family holidays...they are meant to be stress free and for the nuclear family to connect after working/school all year. Introducing stress and another wheel to manage is not conducive to that.

That's a terrible story, sounds as though they more than deserve to be left on their own. Yes we are clear in our own minds- no more holidays! I haven't explicitly told her this as she hasn't asked. But i will if pushed. And I merely ignore the sulking when we do announce a holiday. I do feel sorry for her and we all tiptoe around her moods. Which enables her I know. But she'd rather lose friendships than apologise and as difficult as she can be there is a good side to her.

Have you seen the "Stately Homes" thread ?

Thanks chaseface the guilt you express deeply resonates with me. I think mum secretly resents DH. I always feel like she is waiting for us to split up and DC and I can join her man hating commune.

Yes, I often read 'stately homes' and identify there. I don't feel like my childhood experience is bad enough to discuss there IYSWIM.

code

People should not have to be managed, you need to stop trying to placate her as well.

I doubt very much that your mother actually loves your children in the ways that you think she does; she may well just be using them to make her own self feel good.

It seems that all this actually started when her own father abandoned her. That action of his did a lot of damage and her further low opinion of men was reinforced when her H went off with someone else. That attitude along with her always needing to be right all the time has put people right off her understandably.

It is NOT your fault she is the way she is. You are not responsible for her at all when all is said and done although she likely makes you feel like you are.

I would certainly resist all attempts from her to take her on holiday, her behaviour is guaranteed to give you all a miserable time of it. She is family but you do not have to put up with this (you would not put up with this from a friend) and your own boundaries re her need to be raised an awful lot higher than they currently are.

It is also telling that she can be quite animated and happy when around outsiders who really do not know her at all.

My situation isn't quite as bad, but my parents have always had an unhappy marriage and my mother is generally lonely, often bitter and critical and really can't stand my father. Sometimes she's in a great mood and is good company but it's never consistent. They live 2 hours away so we don't see them all the time which helps.

Your comment about you feeling responsible really struck a chord with me as this is exactly how I used to feel. I had counselling in my 20s to deal with elements of my childhood and it helped me to detach myself from the situation emotionally and not feel controlled or manipulated. Occasionally I have those feelings of wanting to make her happy and not saying or doing anything that might set her off, but by and large, I'm not dragged down by it all. I seem able to box off those feelings and deal with them practically as if it were happening to a friend.

Might counselling for you be a way forward to help you deal with her? Particularly as you live nearby and can't escape her!

code

I would urge you to read the Stately Homes thread and post on it as well.
You would be welcomed.

From the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread:-

"Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's (as you have yourself stated).

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth".

Thanks Attila you are right I shouldn't have to 'manage' her. I feel I have to placate her as the alternative is a big drama- which is always exhausting. Her father didn't leave- he was a good man- so her only bad experience is her husband- so probably even less of a reason to blame all men. I remember in childhood she was always having a go and my grandmother used to tell her to leave me alone. So the critical trait has always been there as far back as I remember. We have to avoid telling her things which we know will set her off, she's so controlling.

OP it's especially hard being an OC and having no one to share the burden with, feeling as though you have to include DM in family holidays, Xmas, Easter etc. In some ways her living close is a blessing as she doesnt need to stay at your house or vice versa. Late 60s isn't old and you could have another 25 years of this.
I think you need to tell her that her negativity is getting you down. Also you need to work on your own feelings, you're not responsible for her happiness and shouldn't feel guilty if she's miserable, that's her choice.
I'd start by not engaging with her when she starts worrying or moaning. You've said what a nice person she is with other people, that suggests that she knows what she's doing and is playing a game with you. I find standing back and not getting involved in the game helps me. It's very difficult, especially if you've been trained as a child to please your mother and put your needs second. You are right to put yourself and your family first.

loveisagirl how does your father cope with your mum? I'm glad counselling helped you to cope and box off your relationship, maybe I would benefit from the same. Really mum should see a counsellor but Hell would freeze over before she admitted she had a problem.

I'm another one in this boat. My mother is endlessly surprised that all 3 of her children don't live in the same country as her. We all took any chance to get away from her, she is very self absorbed and bitter about divorce from dad 20 years ago. He's on wife number three now, but she's never dated for more than a few weeks. Honestly think she actively drives people away so she doesn't have any excuse to move on. endlessly
Dreading her retirement and elderly years as none of us will move home or be willing to have her move to us (even if she was willing).

Thanks Attila, i will get myself over there too. Mum just seems so mild compared to some of the horrors people experienced on there.

Thanks Ifuknow good advice. I try and remain bright and breezy with her and not get dragged into the negative behaviours. Sometimes it's easier than others to ignore. Particularly difficult to get her off subject when she is worrying about someone (which invariably involves bitching about who upset them) or is in an envious and resentful mood.

Of course she won't admit to having a problem, that's part of her problem! I would recommend counselling as it can be very freeing if you find a good therapist.

My father is part of the problem; he was quite neglectful of their marriage from about 7 years in (coincided with my older sister being born). He worked late a lot, had hobbies etc. He always worked hard, never drank, never cheated etc so externally he looked like a great guy. But he had a temper and shouted a LOT when we were younger so I remember a lot of rows in the house. My mum never worked, had a very small social circle which has only decreased as time has gone by and couldn't develop any hobbies as she was the childcare option nearly 100% of the time. And as time went on she resented him more and more for this.

As he's grown older, he hasn't really changed. He still goes out all the time (he's 77 and is involved with loads of senior citizens interest groups etc) so my mother spends a lot of time at home alone. And he's still got a quick temper and can be verbally quite nasty.

So, it's a sorry situation all round. He doesn't really 'cope' with her as he's hardly there, or they have an argument if she says something he doesn't disagree with.

Makes me so happy my relationship is nothing like theirs!

turkeyboots that's so sad that your mum's behaviour has effectively completely isolated her. I bet she has no insight?

I think one of the worst things is DC now see her behaviour and it has some effect on them. Her negativity which is designed put you off doing things, and disparaging remarks about having interests.

Me too loveis i deliberately chose a partner who is laid back and the opposite of both my parents!

When I "chose" my husband, I also "chose" a family that is so far from my own it is unreal.

I think that's much healthier than repeating the cycle. I soon recognised controlling difficult types luckily.